"What is love?" A question that seemed to have been stuck in the back of my mind resurfaced. Probably because Kaede asks me that sometimes.
A special person, well I could only call one that, asked me about it once. Too bad for them I was the wrong person to ask..
"Your name.." A male's voice came from the direction of my right ear. "Onagawa Hibiki right?"
"Oh."
"Oh?" It's a boy with an ear piercing. He has light blonde colored hair, but black roots and he's wearing a gray cardigan over our school uniform.
His seemingly confused look made me remember a character from a game.
"Cute."
"Cute?" Even more confused, he pulled out a chair and sat in front of me. "Thanks for the compliment," He said while smiling.
The way he talks sounds so cold and uncaring, but his face didn't fit his voice at all. It was so full of life.. emotions.
"Why are you here alone? Looks like your classmates have already gone home," He keeps looking at me intently, as if he's observing everything I do.
"Why are you here? This isn't your class," I asked him back, pressing deeply on the word you.
"I just happened to pass by and saw you alone."
What an interesting guy. Not really normal to just enter a random classroom to talk to a stranger.
"Haru! Let's go already!" A voice of a girl called out just outside the classroom while passing by.
"I'm being called out now. I'm Haru, Yamamoto Haru. Call me whatever you'd like," He said as he waves his right hand goodbye. The way he talks and acts surely does leave quite an impression on anyone that he comes across.
That was the first person, Haru, that's about my age to talk to me besides Kaede. Speaking of Kaede, we won't be able to go home together today. He said he has a job to do today.
⁰-⁰
"Wakey-wakey," A cold, but calming voice called out as I felt my head being tapped.
"Haru," I slowly opened my eyes, just to see his face close to mine. He's here again huh?
"Aw, I was hoping that you'd give me a nickname," He said as he pointed at the classroom's wall clock. Looks like I slept while in class again.
"Sorry."
"Don't worry about it," Haru replied. The empty classroom's suddenly filled with silence, while Haru's just there, sitting in front of me. Staring..
"Why don't you ever smile?" He asked with visible curiosity despite his emotionless face and deep dark eyes.
The sudden question made me think about how to explain it to someone. Since I never needed to explain it to Kaede, we just grew up together so he already understands.
"Think of it like having a body with no soul. I can move, decide and control what I do but I can't seem to feel purpose with what I do because I can't exactly feel," Talking this much with someone I barely know feels uncomfortable. I feel like he'd be bored if I kept on talking about myself.
I look back at him to see why he's so silent just to see him smiling while staring at me.
"I see. Well, I guess you took my interest," He said, still smiling as he looked into the distance.
"Are you okay?" I asked. I didn't ask that for no reason. It's just that he looks like he's tired and gloomy even though he acts all happy and smiley. I guess I was proven right when he dodged the question.
"Haha of course I am. Anyway who's that Kaede guy you're with?"
"You know him?"
"Yeah, I kinda saw you guys on the train a day ago. I knew about him because you called his name," He said while taking out a sandwich and offering it to me.
"We've been friends since we were children," I replied right after taking a bite. His face that was smiling turned serious for a moment, but he smiled again. Wait, most importantly. How did he know that I like to eat?
"Close then?"
"Hm."
After a few seconds of silence someone suddenly opened the classroom's door. It's Kaede. He's breathing heavily and sweat is already dripping from his chin. Oh and he's also carrying a box of donuts on his left hand.
"Hello," I greeted him.
"Where were you? And who's he?" He asked as he glared at Haru. Bad first impression I see. He walked towards us.
"Kaede, he's Yamamoto. Haru, he's well.. Yamato Kaede," I replied while looking at them both back and forth. Interestingly, their last names are identical.
"Knowing you, I thought you've already been kidnapped. Didn't know you finally made a new friend. I guess I just overreacted," He said while laughing. "Nice to meet you."
What a fake smile. I can sense that he really doesn't like Haru, but I guess that's just how he is to people that talk to me. He holds out his hand to him.
"Nice to meet you too," Haru kindly replied, accepting his handshake. Wow, they're definitely not hiding that they don't like each other. Their hands are almost turning red out of squishing each other's. A few seconds passed and they're still not done with the handshake. I don't have a choice but to push both their hands away.
"Well, I should go now," Haru said right after he wore his bag. "See you next time, Hibiki."
He patted my head as he said goodbye. Why do people pat my head? I'd rather pat theirs instead..
"What was that?" Kaede asks right after the door closes. He puts the box of donuts in front of me. "He patted your head."
"You do too."
"But we're close. You just met him and you're already close?" He asked while I basically ravaged the donuts. "Nevermind."
"I see. Well I can let you pat me longer. Since we're close and all," I said to calm him down since he seemed annoyed. Well, that introduction could've been worse.
⁰-⁰
Another afternoon, another Haru. Here he is again, sitting in front of me, listening to the random things I have to say. After talking with each other a bit more. I realized that I was only the one talking to myself.
As weird as that is since I never felt the need to talk about myself. I asked him questions about him instead.
"Do you have a job? Kaede does too but only quick one time's," I asked as I drank the chocolate milk we both bought.
"Well, I do have a job," He said, after hesitating for a few seconds. "Lots in fact, because I have a debt. Although it wasn't actually my debt I still need to repay it, all because of my parents. I guess the only thing that they passed on to me now was this debt," He said in a tired voice but he still tried to laugh it off.
He continued to play with my hair. I don't really mind since Kaede does too.
"I don't even know anymore. I think I'll quit school soon who knows," His face hinted a pint of sadness and his eyes turned darker.
"I'm sorry," I replied. "Would you like to go home together? Wait here I'll just go get something quickly."
I was about to continue walking down the hallway but I checked on him again, no reason really, but I did. I peeked to check on him and saw Haru still sitting there but.. a tear was rolling down his left cheek.
It was probably my fault. I didn't even consider his feelings when I asked those questions. I was being insensitive and look at what I did. All the smiles he showed me were all in fact an act, although it was obvious. Even a child would question themselves why a person with suffocating problems like his would act this happy. What a bad move.
⁰-⁰
Well.. It's the only time we're able to talk with each other since he's always busy, after classes. He always visits me in my classroom knowing that I'd be there and it's been months since we talked to each other everyday. Most of the time Kaede comes to take me while we talk though. But this time, his mood seemed different..
"I like you," His usual husky voice conveyed those words, filled to the brim with emotions. His words echoed again and again through my mind.
"Huh?"
"I like you."
"Come again?"
"I like you," He said again as he looked directly in my eyes. I didn't know what to do, especially because his nervous look from when he first said it turned serious.
"You do understand that I don't have the capacity to love you," I replied while I tried to avoid his gaze.
"I don't need you to love me. Just let me love you," He assured me while offering another ham sandwich.
In a short span of a few months of knowing each other. We ended up with this. I didn't know why someone would love a person who can't love them back, I still can't. But back then, I thought that it wouldn't hurt to try. Since I'm not really bothered with the idea of being in a relationship, it would make him happy too.
He already has a lot of problems though, I don't want to just be an addition to that.
On the same day, we ended up at the beach near my place. I never really came here since I didn't feel like going here has a purpose.
"Why are we here?" I asked Haru. We already took off our shoes and here we are, walking barefoot in the sand while the small waves touch my feet.
"I brought you here to make a promise," He replied in a gentle voice.
"A promise that as long as these waves crash into the shore here, I'll always love you. I'll always be with you," He looked at me with such gentle eyes, that even his deep dark eyes sparkled under the moonlight.
"I don't deserve someone like you," I replied in a monotone voice like I always do. "Thank you, for making me feel complete right now." His reaction suddenly changed from a soft smile to a shocked face.
"You smiled!" I guess it was the first time that I smiled not because I was acting. It was genuine. I actually smiled.
⁰-⁰
"When the Sakura trees bloom in full again, it's a reminder that we'll meet again under their pink colored leaves," Haru's last promise crossed my mind as I woke up from my nap. It seems like it's the first time that he'd be breaking a promise he made.
As I opened my eyes, the trees, already fully bloomed greeted me. I really thought that the next time I see the Sakura, it would be with him but. Here I am all alone.
"Hibiki.. you woke up," Oh actually. Kaede's here.
"Sorry."
I quickly sat upright after I realized that I've been leaning on his shoulder too long.
"It's fine. I took a nap too," He gave me a smile. "It's getting late. Let's clean up," I replied by nodding.
Kaede patted the ground, signalling at me to sit beside him. The sun's already setting, the sky, colored like gold.
"You know, you're really pretty," He randomly said as I sat down. His voice sounds serious. I replied by tilting my head in confusion.
"You already got yourself a good person in your life to be with you, Yamamoto that is, but how about me? Every time I try I also get hurt. So tell me, is it even worth a shot to try again?" He asked with such enigmatic eyes. "I'm sorry, that was really rando-"
"You're asking the wrong person about that.. but. Yes, yes you should. But only if you're ready," I replied as he continued on staring at my face. It was probably another confession and now he's being moody. The girl from before, that is. I can understand him though, I'm sure it can be tiring.
He can't and hasn't learned to love anyone. The problem with him is that he enters relationships with no actual feelings for that person. Too reckless with his feelings and the other person. And that's coming from someone who can't even feel a thing.
I patted his head while giving a smile. Even though this smile's just an act, I'm sure it could make him feel better.