As the pack members rushed to call an ambulance, the room quickly filled with people. The the news spread that Linus had been killed. And the chaos that insued was suffocating. In shock, Saoirse barely noticed this as gentle hands carefully loaded her onto a stretcher. The world around her had become a dull blur.
Tuning out the voices of anger, grief of her brother's death, and the blaming accusations directed at her husband, she looked at the two pink lines. It was proof that she could create life. Something she had barely, ever even dared to dream of. She had been afraid she would never be a mother because her life had been so miserable; and Sirius, though so close, had always been so out of reach. And now this, it was a glimmer of hope-now dashed to pieces- as the words that the man had said hit her hard.
Was her baby now in trouble? Before she had even known about it, was there a possibility that it had been harmed?
Tears welled up in her eyes at the possibility, and emotions surged within her. Anger at Sirius for leaving. Anger at herself for not checking the test again. Then grief of the loss of her brother. She could only deal with one heartache so great at a time.
Sirius chased after her with Lachlan in his arms, angrily demanding he be allowed into the ambulance, but they hadn't let him go. Without Linus there to stand up for him, he didn't belong. She would normally defend him, but right now, it was the least of her concerns.
They shut the doors and the sirens wailed as the world rushed past her, and yet she just kept staring at those two pink lines, ignoring it all.
She turned to the side and vomited again. Her body seemed like it was mad a her, all of the retching she had done this past week, people had only known the half of it. She had been vomiting like this at least ten times a day, but the tests had come back negative, so she just kept it to herself.
She let out a sob and cupped her face in her stinky, vomited hands, not bothering to care anymore about any of it. This life wasn't fair. "It isn't fair!" She cried out, hoping Sirius could hear. Hoping Linus could hear. Hoping the Gods could hear; they were the ones she was mad at the most.
She lay down on her side on the bed and felt the cold engulf her as her frosty ability crept up the walls and chilled the air like a refrigerator. Her breath came out in a puff and for a minute she felt transported back to the night she had laid there in the snow at the bottom of the cliff dying.
Beside her on the bed, suddenly, she felt the presence of the rabbit. She blinked, wondering if it was just a trick of her imagination. That the wicked thing would return the moment that she thought about it."You've returned rabbit, why?" She asked with closed eyes. Her breath swirling in the air with each word.
The rabbit didn't answer her, it seemed too stunned to speak.
"It doesn't matter now, if you're my messenger of death, I already know I won't get to be a mother so just take it and leave me alone." She said coldly. She turned away from the rabbit and faced the other way.
It put its soft paws on her arm near the elbow, and then she felt the weight of its soft head. "I'm not here for that anymore." It said. "It's not my job anymore."
She turned and got quiet, looking at her killer in the eyes, waiting to know why the rabbit was here then.
"I'm just here to be with you." It said. I've always been with you, whatever happens, I will be." It said.
She placed the pregnancy test next to the rabbit and sighed, "Then tell the Gods that I want to be a mother ok? Me and my husband. They've made life too hard for us."
The rabbit shook her head sadly, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that. I'm not a Fylgia anymore. My powers to summon the other realms are gone. They can call me if they want me, but…nobody wants me around." The rabbit admitted.
Saoirse considered the rabbit's words for a moment. "Then prove yourself," she said quietly. "Prove that you're better now. What you did to me… it hurt me. It nearly ruined my life. But…" She sighed, her voice softening. "But I wouldn't have Sirius if it hadn't happened. So maybe…maybe there's still hope for you too, just…you need to remember that the ends don't always justify the means."
The rabbit didn't respond, she just kept her head rested on her arm. Saoirse turned back, cradling the pregnancy test in her hands as the ambulance came to a halt.
The back doors opened, and Saoirse was wheeled into the hospital. The lights inside the building were harsh, in contrast with the cool night air, and the emergency room was thick with the smells of antiseptic, but the potency of the smell helped to ease a bit of Saoirse's nausea, so she didn't complain.
Minutes later, Sirius burst into the room, his chest heaving, his hair disheveled. He grasped her hand, his grip firm, his eyes searching hers for any sign of reassurance.
She clutched the pregnancy test tighter, tears pooling in her eyes. "Sirius," she whispered, her voice breaking. "I… I don't know what's going to happen."
He pressed his forehead against hers. "I…I'm so sorry Saoirse. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have gone…"
"Please…" Saoirse said with a sigh, "Please don't talk about that right now, I'm hurting a lot right now. I don't blame you, but.. please don't ask me for more, ok?"
Sirius had never been silenced by his wife in that way before. He looked into her grief stricken eyes and realized he was about to ask for her forgiveness, and that would have been hard to give. This was his sweetheart, in pain right now and he couldn't make it about himself, as much as he was hurting. He nodded, "Alright."
(I hopped onto the bed next to them, but it seemed as if they couldn't see me again because Saoirse didn't acknowledge me anymore. "Am I going to be ok?" I wondered, "Mom, I'm so sorry to make you worry. I can't think of a funny remark to make right now as I'm telling all of you about this moment, because at the time, in this moment, all anyone could do was hold their breath, and I think I held my breath the most. If I missed this chance at life, I may never get it back, or perhaps I would, but I wouldn't be a part of this family anymore. It was the thing I was the most worried about in that moment.)
In that moment, Sirius closed his eyes to pray and he was pulled into a vision where things had happened differently.
An alternate reality where instead of Linus showing up to save him, Madeleine had been the one who said the line, "I consider Saoirse to be my sister, please just go back to her and keep her safe. Live to fight another day."