I feel hot, so hot.
Parched, I am walking around; I can't take it anymore and strip myself of my clothes.
I can't see; the sun is blinding me; I just hear a sound I can't identify. It doesn't come from humans, cars, or machines.
Walking naked doesn't help at all, my skin heating up, the sun grilling me. Not even sweat is granted me as I stumble along, falling.
My body crashes in the burning sand.
Where am I?
I don't want to stand up; I just want to finally pass out; let the flames devour me so that this torture ends.
The sound is getting louder and louder, reverberant in my ears.
What is this damn sound?
The sand burns into my skin, forcing me to stand up and walk further.
Suddenly, my whole body halts, as I blindly raise my head, turning it. I can feel a breeze tickling me, coming from a distinctive direction, a previously unattainable salvation.
I am on fire when I walk; my ears are ringing, but it doesn't matter anymore as I put one foot ahead of the other, the breeze getting stronger. So, I continue to walk in the soaring heat, in the burning sand.
Amidst the loud noise, I can perceive the presence of someone further away, the wind coming from that direction, hitting me and cooling my fire. I hurry my steps and reach out.
My fingers touch a body, a woman.
One of my flings?
Just at the right time. I pull her near me forcefully, and besides the sun that blinds me and my ears that hear nothing beside this undefinable noise, I find coolness on her skin.
Touching her face, her neck, cleavage, and her breast before sliding my hands to her lower back and ass.
Not enough, not enough.
I am pressing her body against mine, gasping at the sudden coolness, my temperature going down, before being set ablaze again.
This feeling... I remember. If sinking into freezing water, it burns the skin as fire would, not giving away its true temperature.
The cold fire spreads as I lift her up, getting closer and closer; the noise is getting louder—roaring.
I freeze and burn simultaneously as I enter her; the overlap of hot and cold nearly killing me.
Moving inside her, I can't even say who I am or what I am doing anymore; I just want to push and pull, ignite and douse, only fan the blue flames until they reduce us both to ashes.
The sound is still penetrating me as I penetrate her.
What is this noise?
I feel like drowning when I bite her throat, her neck, and her mouth.
But I like it, I want it;
Drown me, kill me, take me with you; just don't take the blue flames from me; don't let them diminish. Let me further freeze and burn, unable to tell the difference; everything is better than this parching, dry heat that ignites everything around me with the slightest touch.
I move harder, forcefully, faster, until I am falling back into the dry, hot sand, my back—my flesh aflame.
The noise drowns me as well; fuck, everything is drowning me; I don't care. Come, come all of you, everyone; come and drown the burning man; come and end my agony.
Her hands grip my neck, and when I think she had heard my prayers, instead of strangling me, she moves on her own, sitting on me, as if she uses my fire to heat her freezing coldness.
I am disoriented, not understanding what is happening to me as her cold fingers wrap around my throat, ready to take my life at any given moment, but not doing so.
"Hahah" I laugh or wail; I don't know; maybe I'm just gasping for air.
The cool palms and fingertips never adjusting their force, tightly holding me in place, neither killing me nor letting me live, but instead binding me so that I can do nothing apart from offering myself.
I let her lead me, the coolness further dousing me; the blue flames instead increasingly rising and devouring me.
When I am on the brink of delirium, I perceive not only agony and liberation, but also a frenzy of pleasure. The noise is so overwhelming that I am unsure if it hasn't always been there, for as long as I could think. Almost like the deafening silence, constantly present but only hurting when directing the focus on it.
With one final push, her body falls on me and yet turns into water when coming into contact with my skin, fully drenching me.
Ah, I finally recognize the sound— the noise constantly echoing through the desert.
It's the sounds of waves crashing against the rocky shore, reaching out for the dry sand along with the sharp stones, pulling them back into the ocean with it.
*****
I woke up in my bed with a start; my whole body jolted as I reached for the woman that should lay beside me, only to end up empty-handed.
While still breathing heavily, I was feeling lost, not comprehending what had just happened. Placing a hand on my speedily rising and falling chest, I felt my heartbeat hammering against my rib cage.
I have never been one to dream, and if I had, it was not in a scope that got me drenched in sweat. Although I didn't remember the content clearly, the feeling from the dream remained in my body distinctively.
The feeling to drown willingly and purposefully.
"Haa." Sighing, I brushed my hands through my hair, before standing up and going for a shower.
Opening my palm, I watched the water stream pouring on it. I tried to catch the cold droplets, only to fail.
Last night was the first time I had ever slept in the same bed with a girl, not only to wake up from a nightmare, but also to be left alone.
Laughing, I opened my mouth to let the water enter, trying to mimic the feeling I had in my dream, only for my body to cough instinctively.
From rasping to laughing, the mind willing but the body stubborn, it seemed that drowning myself wasn't the solution to archive my long-sought-after salvation.
Or, was it?