Logan's POV
It was finished, but I didn't feel relieved but was haunted by guilt when I saw blood stains on the bedcover, and she didn't move at all, not because she fainted, but like she was tired and in pain.
Confused, how could this happen. It was clear that it was not menstrual blood, but because she was still a virgin.
I felt stupid, I should have done it gently or at least had long foreplay so she wouldn't be in pain. Now I don't know what to do, this is really beyond my expectations.
"Shasha... I'm so sorry, I really didn't expect..."
"It's okay," she whispered before I finished speaking, she still curled up with her back to me. "I was wrong, I was the one who wasn't honest with you from the start. You must have thought I was used to sex because I was a married woman... It's not your fault," she explained, sounding so sad, it made me feel even more guilty.
I sighed, then pulled the blanket over our bodies and hugged her gently from behind, kissing her slightly messy hair.
I didn't know what to say, just remained silent in shock, and didn't want to ask too many questions even though there were so many things I wanted to ask about how she was still a virgin even though she had been married, and she was already thirty, how she went through adolescence, her twenties withoutwant to try sex? Or could it be that she is very religious? She has a principle to have sex only after marriage? But why didn't she do that with her ex-husband?
"Chris is gay," she whispered, making me immediately frown. "He married me just to cover his identity as gay... He wanted to be seen as a normal man by his family, his friends... Whoever it was... By marrying me... He thought they would not suspect his sexual orientation," he continued.
I took a deep breath, so breathless and sad imagining her situation.
"He said love, proposed to me so romantically... I was swept away, I thought it would be a big change in my life after several years of suffering and loneliness... But everything changed in an instant... He brought his boyfriend to our room.. . Even though he knew I had been waiting for him for our first night. He didn't even hesitate to kiss the man in front of me... It really made me feel disgusted, ridiculous... Disgusted. And ... Like it or not, I had to hide this fact from his family for several months and finally we divorced." She turned to face me after the explanation, then stroked my cheek with our eyes looking into each other, so deep, I could clearly see the sadness there.
Swallowing hard, taking a breath that felt so tight, her explanation was enough for me to imagine the pain she had been experiencing all this time. Losing both my parents then carrying out responsibilities as an older sister, working hard, then getting hurt. It's no wonder she finds it so hard to believe in love again, and thinks it's impossible to have children.
"Logan..."
"Trust me," I whispered before she finished speaking. I caressed her soft cheeks and continued to look into her green eyes. "I won't be like that bastard in your past. I will be the best for you... Throw away your doubts..."
I moved to hold her right hand, gripping her fingers tightly.
"Let me be your first and last... Have baby with me..."
"Hey!" She suddenly withdrew her hand and grinned. "What do you mean?"
"Shasha…" I whispered, noticing the uncertainty on her beautiful face. "I know you want to be a mother, but you're not sure because you don't believe a man loves you. Now that you found me as a man who loves you, you have to believe me. I don't want to say that you're old, okay... But..."
I sighed, looking at her with doubts but I have to say this even though it sounds crazy but father and mother's advice and also her wishes suddenly haunted me.
I held her right hand again.
"If you don't start having babies now, then your chances will be even narrower... You're already thirty... Ok," I said worriedly, raising my eyebrows, while she frowned. "We can start the pregnancy program... now... and if it works, then in the next two years you can do another pregnancy program again... At least we will have more than one child until you are thirty five." I tried to explain carefully, and she just smiled faintly, shaking her head.
"You... You're crazy!" She even pushed me. "You can't decide to have children with me just because you know I'm thirty and really want to be a mother. It's not that simple!" She confirmed then sat down.
I immediately sat down, looking at him confused.
"Having children means having responsibility, being ready for everything, make sure they don't suffer in this world," she said again.
"Of course... I know that," I said. "I didn't think about making my children suffer at all... Of course not!"
"Logan..." She looked back at me while grabbing the blanket covering the front of her body. "You can think so... That's natural. But sometimes situations can change... Now you are in love, feel sure... But...."
"But what?"
"In every relationship, there will definitely be times for differences of opinion, ultimately fights or misunderstandings... The contents of all this can change our feelings and can even lead to separation," she explained, then sighed and bowed. "And ... I feel like there's a lot of possibility for something like that to happen to our relationship because..."
"Because I'm much younger than you and you're just an ordinary woman, not a model, not an artist." I guessed, looking at her disappointedly.
She was silent, but that was enough for me to understand that my guess was correct. Now what should I do? How to convince her that this problem is something that cannot be changed, fate, destiny that I am younger than her.
"Logan... I know you're good, you fell in love with me," she said softly, sadness visible in her eyes. "But I'm not sure yet. I'm worried that you feel ready to have children with me just because you feel sorry for me... Just because you're impressed by what just happened. I don't want you to make a rash decision... Moreover, our relationship is still very new. "You need to think, there's a lot to consider... Especially regarding your career and your family," she continued and then moved towards the edge of the bed.
I sighed, looking at her sadly. I don't know why now I really want to make her dream come true, to make her the mother of my children, and that's also a way so she can't leave me. Yes... I know this is weird and too soon, but this is what I want.
I want her to be mine forever, because I don't think about trying to have a relationship with any other woman besides her... Even the image of her having a baby with me comes to my mind, so beautiful, I'm sure she will be a good mother.
"Awh…" she groaned as she tried to stand up.
I immediately crawled to the edge of the bed, while she sat back down.
"Are you OK?"
"Yeah... I just..." She looked down with a grimace as if in pain.
I quickly got out of bed, put on trousers while looking at her, thinking about the right solution to make her comfortable now.
Yes, I think she is in pain because she has lost her virginity, it must have wounds. Maybe a warm bath would be good for her, and she should get some rest.
"I want to go to the wash room." She tried to stand up again.
"Oh wait!" I immediately grabbed her arm, then embraced her cute body. "I'm with you, okay?" I assure you.
Instead she looked at me and slowly smiled.
"What?" I'm confused. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"No..." She shook her head. "But... You care so much."
"Of course I care!" I confirmed with a smile. "This all happened because of me. If I could have been gentler, maybe you wouldn't have been in so much pain. I've made your first moment feel so bad... I'm so sorry, Honey, I..."
"I'm fine," she whispered before I finished speaking. "Don't blame yourself anymore, OK."
I nodded, looking back at her in awe.
"Now... Just help me to go to the bathroom."
"Sure..." I immediately carried her bridal style, while she immediately held on to my shoulder while laughing. "Why laugh? Do you think I can't carry you? You're so small in my eyes... Age is just a number!" I walked towards the bathroom, occasionally glancing at her who kept laughing.
"But still... You're young. I feel like I'm dating a younger sibling," he said, then touched my cheek. "You're even younger than Stella."
"I don't care!"
"You're so stubborn..."
"This is not stubbornness, but this is tough love!" I put him down near the empty bathtub. "Wait... I'll fill the water..."
I immediately turned on the water heater, while she stood behind me. While waiting for the water in the bathtub to fill, I took the bathrobe and liquid soap which was in the small glass cupboard, then also the shampoo and placed it on the edge of the bathtub wall.
"Do you think I need to wash my hair?" Her question distracted me.
I turned back to face her, saw her smile so beautiful, seductive, suddenly wanted it again.
"You..."
"I love you!" I quickly bent down and kissed her lips.
She just kept quiet, returned my kiss and her hands immediately wrapped around my neck. Um, very warm and soft, arousing passion, but the sound of gurgling water made me realize again that she needed a warm bath to relieve the pain.
"Sorry..." I ended our kiss. "I..."
"I want to bathe with you," he said, making me very surprised.
"What? What do you mean? You want to..."
Suddenly she caressed my chest.
"This is the moment I've been waiting for," she whispered, looking at my chest, as if admiring my body. "Being an old virgin is not something fun. I saw a lot of things on the internet... About sex... About first sex which was romantic and full of tenderness. It made me experiment to do it…" she looked back into my eyes.
"And it turned out to be with you," she whispered.
I smiled, looking at her cute face, imagining how she was waiting for this moment.
"I guarantee you won't regret it," I said.
"Prove it!" She suddenly pinched my stomach.
"Ouch" I stepped back reflexively.
"The water!" She chuckled.
I immediately looked back and found the bathtub already filled with warm water. I immediately took off my trousers, then picked her up again, invited her to go into the water together and sit down slowly.
"Um... Too much water," she said with a chuckle as the water splashed onto the floor.
I felt confused but also happy, sitting her on my lap, I could feel her buttocks touching my manhood which was probably already erect again.
"Do you want to fuck me again?" She turned to me.
I smiled and shook my head.
"You're in pain," I whispered.
"But I want..."
"No honey.. we'll do it next week., I don't want you in pain anymore."
"But... I think it will be easier if I start getting used to it..." She looked worried. "Or... Maybe I'm addicted. I really want to feel it again. I mean... It hurts but it's also so good."
I couldn't help but laugh when I noticed the confusion on her face, it was so cute that I reflexively hugged her, and she immediately leaned her head on my chest.
"Now believe me... Age is just a number. Now I'm like a senior here," I said, caressing her breasts glistening with water. "I'll do whatever you want... Just like your expectations, from what you've seen."
She chuckled and turned to me. "That's true... I think you have the upper hand on this one."
I just smiled, lowered my head and kissed her lips so softly while stroking her body.