We had finished showering, and I helped her dry her hair. I had to put my pants back on because there were no men's clothes here. While with her, we just kept talking, joking, and being affectionate. It felt so beautiful until I suddenly remembered that the steak I made hadn't been eaten yet.
Still shirtless and only wearing pants, I quickly went to the kitchen and tried to reheat the steak, then placed it on a white plate and set it on the dining table. Coincidentally, I had also bought a bottle of wine, so I poured it into two pretty glasses, placed them next to the steak, and then grabbed the gift I had prepared, which was in a small black box stored in the pantry drawer.
"I hope she likes it."
"Wow... I thought we weren't having dinner," her voice from the door distracted me.
I smiled shyly as I watched her slowly approach me, her smile making me so nervous. Yes, of course. She would taste my cooking, and I would give her the gift, though I wasn't sure if she would accept it.
"Steak that is cooked too long will be tough," she said, looking at the steak on the plate.
"Um..." I didn't know what to say and quickly pulled out a chair for her. "I don't know... But if it doesn't taste good, we can eat out instead." I said, then awkwardly looked at her.
She just smiled and immediately sat down.
I exhaled roughly, trying to relax and quickly sat across from her, placing both arms on the table while watching her begin to cut the steak. Honestly, my heart was pounding, like a chef waiting for the judges to comment on my dish.
"Why are you so tense?" she asked with her sweet smile, then took a bite of the steak with a fork.
"Nothing..." I shook my head. "I just..."
"This isn't bad," she said before I could finish speaking. "I don't remember the last time I had steak... So, this tastes delicious. I really like it!"
"Really?" I couldn't hide my happy smile.
"Yes... This is the best steak for a very hungry stomach!"
"Oh... Honey..." I grew even more nervous, remembering how we made love passionately, several rounds, even though I knew she hadn't eaten and was exhausted. "I'm sorry... Next time, I'll control myself..."
"We won't do it again." She stopped me, and that made my heart race and left me speechless. "I... I'm still not ready to be a mother," she clarified, then continued eating slowly, and the situation turned somewhat tense.
I could only remain silent, not knowing what else to say. I didn't expect her to want us to stop when the atmosphere had felt so warm and affectionate. What was making her doubt? Why didn't she understand that this was all because of love? How long would she keep feeling like this? Was she insecure just because I was younger than her? And what about her dream of becoming a mother? If we don't start now, when will we?
She looked at me again and reached for my hand. "I don't regret what happened tonight, it was beautiful... You satisfied my curiosity..."
"But that doesn't make you sure that I'm right for you," I interrupted, unable to lie about my feelings, looking at her with disappointment. "Why do you always act like this? Can't you get rid of that insecurity? Aren't you sure about committing..."
"Logan, it's not like that..." She shook her head.
"Then why?"
"I..." She was nervous, unable to explain, pulled her hand back, sighed, and stared at me in silence, as if thinking.
"What?"
"This is too fast to think about," she said, furrowing her brows. "I know you're good, you have good intentions... But our relationship is still so new... I don't want to rush into making decisions about having a child with you just because time is pressing..."
"Do you expect to have a child with another man? Do you expect to have a relationship with another man, or maybe one much older than me?" I asked, unable to hide my disappointment. My chest felt tight, and emotions started to overwhelm me.
"How can you think like that?" she asked, looking at me in disbelief.
"Because you said you're not ready to have a child with me, that means you expect to have a child with another man!" I asserted, then immediately stood up, clenching my fists. "How could you say that when I'm offering the best for us? Don't you trust my love? Just because I'm younger than you... Just because my world is different from yours!"
I slapped my chest, feeling so tight, unable to speak anymore. Even seeing her beautiful face made me imagine her being affectionate with another man, and then I would just become her past. It was so painful, I couldn't... I didn't want that to happen.
"Logan..." She stood up, staring at me with a furrowed brow. "Why are you angry... I just need time, I didn't mean..."
"You said it, Shasha!" I insisted. "The way you speak makes it seem like our relationship doesn't have deep meaning... Not serious... What's wrong with me? Is it because I'm young that you look down on me?"
"It's not like that..."
"You plan to leave me!"
"No... I never planned that, it never crossed my mind!" she emphasized, but for some reason, this disappointment couldn't be held back anymore.
I felt like I wanted to run to her, force her to be mine forever, but that would only hurt her, make her hate me.
"Please, understand..."
"Sorry, I have to go!" I immediately left the dining room before she finished speaking.
I quickly went back to the room, grabbed my clothes and phone, then headed out.
"Logan, where are you going?" she stopped me at the door.
I stayed silent, kept walking while putting on my clothes. It was so hard to control myself, and I didn't want to hurt her.
"Logan..."
"Stop!" I stopped, staring at her. She froze, fear clearly in her eyes, making me feel guilty. I sighed, held her shoulders anxiously, remembering our sweet moments together.
"Trust me," she whispered, her eyes red. "I never thought about loving or being with another man... Only you dared to make me take this step, even after I was so scared... It's because I have big hopes for you... You have to believe me," she continued, her eyes glistening with tears.
I didn't know what to say, but her gaze seemed to show that she didn't want me to be angry or leave, yet I was so tired of her constant insecurity about our relationship, about her age.
"You can go, but please never doubt me," she whispered again, her soft fingers caressing my cheek. "I love you..."
"If you want me to believe you, don't go to work tomorrow," I said, suddenly thinking of something to resolve this issue.
She furrowed her brow.
"Tomorrow, I have no schedule. Come to me y place," I added.
"Why?" She looked hesitant and afraid.
I sighed and pushed her hair behind her ear. "This is the best... If you want me to believe you, then you have to learn to trust me. I won't put you in a difficult situation," I said, then kissed her lips for a moment before leaving.
There was no response from her, not even an attempt to stop or chase me as I kept walking. Ugh, somehow, this felt so painful, completely unexpected. I really wanted her to chase me and ask me to stay, but that didn't happen. Maybe tonight, we each need our own space, and that means I'll plan to make her trust me and change her mind.