I left a note for Jamie letting him know that I was gone and then I hit the pavement. I love running, I had joined various running clubs over the years but my preference is to run solo now. Nothing can beat sticking some earphones in and switching off. It always helps clear my mind. I hit play on my playlist and get going while I try to sift through my thoughts.
In the two days since it happened Jaime and I haven't spoken much, and I don't give more than short, cold answers when we do. He hasn't made any attempt to apologise. He stopped apologising a long time ago really. I guess we've both come to accept his temper as a part of him.
Jamie and I have been together for nearly four years. I met him the night of my twenty second birthday. It wasn't fireworks and hearts colliding and all of that. It was me drunkenly tripping over his feet on my way to the bathroom. Us flirting and dancing. Cute dates and stolen kisses. Flowers and amazing sex. He won me over. We moved in together after a year, and I guess that's when I really started to know him.
I had an idea before I agreed to move in that he was kind of the jealous type, but not in a way that I ever thought I'd have to worry about. I thought it was cute if I'm honest. If a guy tried to talk to me when we were out he would pout his bottom lip out and give some sad puppy dog eyes. I'd usually kiss him and remind him that I was his. Forever his. It always did the trick. And then later we'd go back to his place and have sex until the sun came up. It was all part of love in my eyes, so the first time he hit me, it really took me by surprise.
I was studying to become a music teacher, it's all I've ever wanted to do. My love for music began when my grandfather started to teach me to play the violin, I was only three years old. I didn't realise how impressive that fact was until I started interacting with other musicians.
He taught me other instruments too but I always gravitated back to the violin. I would have played it every day if I he let me. He was once a music teacher himself, so I was attempting to follow in his footsteps so to speak.
My grandfather adored everything about me, and I adored everything about him. My Pop Pop, thats what Sarah and I called him. He was absolutely my first love. He started the fire within me for music that only became more intense as time wore on, and I really wanted to make him proud.
I had secured a training position in a local school while getting my degree, it was part of the course requirement, and I was working under an amazing teacher, Zachary Keller. He was a master of his craft. More importantly, he could literally reach into the souls of his students and pull amazing pieces from them. I could only dream that I would be able to do this with my own students when the time came. I wanted to be him one day.
He wasn't unattractive to look at, I could see why the girls in his classes blushed when he complimented their work. He was a little shorter than Jamie, but still hovered above my 5'3 build. He was fit, and wore those thick rimmed glasses that had become popular again, they made him look like Clark Kent.
I wasn't into him at all, not in that way. He was at least twelve years older than me, maybe more. I saw him in more of a father figure role more than anything, even though he was too young to possibly be my father.
Zach and I never really discussed much of our personal lives, other than the general 'how was your weekend' chit chat. So when he messaged me about some upcoming music exams that we needed to organise, I didn't think it would be a big deal to Jamie.
I don't know, maybe I had gushed about how amazing Zach was too much, or I gave the training position too much of my attention. Either way something switched inside of Jamie when he saw Zachs name pop up on my phone screen while I was dishing up our dinner.
He picked my phone up off the table and examined it like he didn't quite know what it was. "Why is he texting you?," he questioned as his eyes bore through me. I was thrown by his reaction, he knew he had nothing to worry about where Zach was concerned, or anybody for that matter.
"We're organising the exams," I explained, "it's hard to get it all done when there's so much on during the day."
I attempted to move past him to put our bowls of pasta onto the table, but the next thing I knew I was pinned up against the fridge while the bowls and their contents lay in pieces on the floor. Jamies hands were gripping my upper arms, his fingers digging in, bound to leave small fingerprint sized welts.
"You're lying to me!," he yelled. I'd never seen him look so angry before, it was like he was posessed.
"Ow! You're hurting my arms Jamie, let go!"
"Don't ever think you can mess around on me Izzy, I'll ruin your fucking life!"
He pounded his fist onto the fridge beside me, rocking it with the force.
"I'm not," I insisted, "I swear, it's just for work, read the text if you want!"
Wriggling my shoulders, I tried to break free of his grip. He dropped his hands from my arms and took a step back, keeping his eyes locked to mine. I watched him in disbelief, it was so unlike him. My arms ached from his hold, I rubbed at my shoulder, the confusion of what had just happened taking over.
"Jamie, that was so stupid, I'd never -"
Suddenly, I was silenced by the back of Jamies hand striking me across the face. I was so in shock that I just stood there holding my cheek as it burned.
Jamie took some steps back, griping his hair with both hands. He began pacing the floor, the pieces from our broken bowls crunching under his feet.
"Why would you make me do that Izzy?," he said.
My body slid down the fridge that I had just been pinned against, forming a crumpled mess on the floor as I began to cry.
Jamie stopped his pacing long enough to notice me sitting there on the ground, terrified. Reality hit him like a ton of bricks, he rushed to me, squatting down in front of me.
"Oh my god Izzy... I- I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that. I was just so mad, I'm sorry, please..."
I pushed back on my hands, trying to get away from him, but only meeting the cold metal of the refrigerator. There was nowhere to go. He reached for me, offering to help.
"Don't!" I spat "Don't you touch me!"
Gripping the counter beside me, I pulled myself to my feet, grabbing my phone and keys and getting myself the hell out of there.
Sometimes I wish I had left that night and never went back, others I'm so in love with him that I could forget every single thing that he's ever done. Theres rarely an inbetween.
I stayed in a hotel for a few days. Jamie love bombed me like crazy. He sent roses to the school, there were countless texts and voicemails from him apologising, chocolates arrived at the hotel, and bottles of champagne were sent to my room.
He turned up on the third night, tears in his eyes and apologies on his tongue. I forgave him of course. And the next time, and the next, and every other time after that too.
I forgave him so much, that he soon stopped apologising at all.
A couple weeks after he hit me for the first time, my car was in getting some new brakes, so I asked Jamie to pick me up from work.
I bumped into Zach on the way out to the parking lot, he walked with me, chatting about the lesson plan we were working on. I couldn't concentrate because I knew Jamie would see us. I tried to finish up our conversation as quickly as I could before there was any trouble, but it was too late.
I could feel Jamie's eyes on us. Even though I had nothing to hide, I was worried about what he was going to do. A panicked heat began to spread up the back of my neck as I saw him climb out of his car. It felt like slow motion as he approached us.
Zach didn't see it coming. Jamie's fist cut through the space between them, connecting with his jaw and sending him flying backwards onto the pebbled ground of the parking lot. I ran in front of Jamie, pushing him back and begging him to stop before he could do anymore damage.
"You stay away from her!," he yelled, pointing down at Zach as he looked up at him in total bewilderment. "I'll fucking kill you! You hear me?"
I kept apologising to Zach while trying to keep Jamie back. He grabbed my elbow and began to pull me towards his car, leaving Zach on the ground watching us in total confusion.
Jamie pulled open his passenger door and pushed me inside. In my panic I stretched my hand out and held the door, trying to keep it open. His eyes met mine, I could see all of the rage in him.
"What are you gonna' do Izzy huh? Run? Try it, I dare you to, because I swear to god, if you step so much as a foot outside this car right now I'll roll it over you and won't think twice about it. Now let go of that fucking door."
I dropped my hand back inside the car as quickly as I could, believing he'd make good on that threat if I didn't, he slammed the door and rounded the front of the car, his eyes latched to mine the whole time.
I sat in the car both silent and terrified all the way home. At one point Jamie actually laughed at me as he drove. Laughed. He had done what he really wanted to do I guess, because the next day I lost my training position with the school.
Zach agreed that he wouldnt press charges against Jamie if I went without a fuss. I was devastated, and in my anger about it all I told Sarah what had happened after we shared a bottle of wine at her place a few days later. I conveniently omitted Jamies violence and threats against me though.
She was pissed for me, and wanted to confront him, but I convinced her not to. I didn't need it made any worse. That was the last time that I drank around her too, just incase I stupidly told her any more secrets.
I found it impossible to find another training placement that late in the school year, I fell behind in college, and rent, although Jamie could more than pay for things. He held a great position at his dad's tech company, but I wanted to have my own money, so I dropped out of college. I figured I'd go back and finish my classroom training when the timing was better.
I got a job at a music instrument store about thirty minutes from the apartment. A world away from what I wanted, and what my grandfather had wanted for me, but things can't work out for everyone I guess. Maybe teaching wasn't meant for me. I had Jamie, I was sure that was the more important thing.
After running for a few miles, I'm now sweating all over. I need to get to work by ten, so I hastily make my way back to the apartment and head straight for the en-suite to shower. In the bedroom, I pass by one of Jamies new shirts that I picked up, just as promised. It's ironed, hanging and waiting for him, like always.
The hot water hits my back and instantly soothes my muscles. I lean back into the spray, soaking my hair. I wonder if Jamie is at the gym downstairs. Hopefully he takes a shower down there afterward too so that I can take a long one and avoid making him late.
Just as the thought runs through my mind, there's a soft knock on the bathroom door. No such luck.
"Iz?," Jamie calls. "Can I come in?"
Without waiting for an answer he lets himself in, his wavy brown hair instantly beginning to lose volume under the hot steam.
I stand and face him, he's seen me naked a million times, there's nothing to hide here. He leans against the marble sink, wearing only a pair of navy sweat pants that hang low on his hips, his hands casually sitting in the pockets.
My eyes wonder over his chiseled torso, following the little trail of light coloured hair that disappears below his waistband. I feel a familiar burn in the pit of my stomach. Damn him and damn those sweatpants.
He breaks first, interrupting the silence between us.
"I know you're mad at me Iz," he says. "I know I fucked up."
He straightens himself up off the sink and looks around the bathroom as if he's never seen parts of it before. The handtowels suddenly become interesting, anything to avoid eye contact.
I shake my head in annoyance, fucked up is one way to put it. I move myself back under the stream of water, turning away from him.
As I let the warm spray fall back over me, I hear the sound of clothing ruffling, followed by the shower door opening and closing behind me.
Jamie slowly approaches me before running his hand down my spine, moving his body closer to mine. I feel his chest against my back as he brings his mouth to my ear.
"I want to make you feel better," he whispers, brushing my hair back off my shoulder.
That's not an apology.
"You know I never want to hurt you."
That's not an apology either.
"Let me show you how much I regret what I did."
Still, not an apology.
Jamies hand reaches around to my front, cupping one of my breasts as his other hand grazes down my side, moving to rest just under my belly button. He holds himself there for a moment, pulling me closer to him.
I can feel him, every bit of him. I know exactly what he wants. If I let it happen, he believes he's forgiven and I lose this little stand off. If I refuse him, he picks a fight and I lose there too. We've danced this dance before, he always wins.
His fingers creep down my body, slipping between my legs as he slowly slides one linside of me, like an artist wetting his brush. He draws it back up my centre until he finds the bundle of nerves he's searching for. I drop my head back onto his chest and exhale.
For someone who can make me feel so bad, he knows exactly how to make me feel just as good.
His fingers work in a soft circle as my breath catches in my throat. He leans down and traces kisses on my neck as the water from the shower sprays from overhead.
"Tell me how good it feels Iz." he whispers into my ear. My eyes roll.
"It feels amazing."
"Do you want me to stop?"
"No... don't."
A low wimper escapes my throat I reach my hand up and grip the back of his neck. "Please don't stop."
His fingers pick up pace, moving with ease from the wet heat hes created.
"Tell me you love me," he says.
"I love you."
I feel the build up take over my body as my feet start to go numb and my legs begin to feel heavy, I wish I could say I dont want him like this, but I do. I want all the good he has to offer.
His teeth graze my neck as he pulls my nipple between his fingers.
"Fuck, Iz you feel so ready for it."
My breathing becomes heavier as I begin to feel my body tense with anticipation.
"Let go Izzy... I want to hear you beg for me."
Jamie moves his fingers over the spot he's been circling, it's all it takes, I collapse my weight back onto him as I moan and wither under his touch, letting the pleasure crash over me in waves.
"Oh god, please," I plead with him as he continues working me through my high.
My chest heaves as I level out and come down off that mountain.
Jamie reaches through the shower spray, finding the knob and turning off the water. He slowly turns me around to face him, every inch of my skin sizzling under his touch. His piercing blue eyes rake over me as he takes in every detail of my body before kissing me, opening my mouth so he can trace his tongue against mine.
Walking me backward with his kiss, my shoulderblades meet the chill of the tiled wall behind me. I break away, looking down to see that he is both ready and eager to continue.
"I need you," he tells me, pressing his forehead to mine as drips of water fall from his hair and roll down his face.
I meet his eyes as they search mine, he wants to fix this, he wants to make it better. Swallowing down any anger I have left, I nod my head. "Okay."
That's all the permission he needs, he lifts me, wrapping my legs around his waist and pressing my back to the tiles as he steadies himself before gentle entering me.
"Oh...christ," he whispers, letting his eyelids flutter closed as he starts to pump himself in and out, finding his rhythm.
"I love you, I love you so damn much Iz."
His thrusts begin to quicken, as feel him fill every inch of me. We both begin to steadily climb that peak again, panting and moaning along the way.
Jamies hand reaches up and grips my hair, pulling my head back ever so slightly. As much as I hate when he's rough with me elsewhere, I love it here.
I groan in response, it's everything he needs, "Jesus... oh... god Izzy... I'm about to..."
I'm already there with him, my hands grip his shoulders as we both ride it out. I feel Jamies whole body tense and begin to spasm as he leaves traces of himself inside of me.
As Jamie lets out a sigh, it sounds as if he's been holding it in for days. He drops my feet back to the floor, before kissing my nose and forehead. "You're amazing Iz," he says.
I smile up at him, sweat coating my skin all over again. "I'm going to need another shower after that."
He kisses me one more time before reaching out and turning back on the water.
All is forgiven…