"Ach, my head..."
I lift it slowly, trying to get a grip on my surroundings, but all I see is absolute darkness—like someone flipped a switch and plunged me into pitch blackness. It's the kind of darkness where you can't even catch a glimpse of your own shadow. Great. Just my luck.
"Where am I?"
As I attempt to stand, I realize I'm on all fours, resembling a newborn chikd trying to figure out how to walk. Charming. My limbs feel awkward and wobbly, like they're not entirely sure who's in charge.
"Was I knocked out?....was i kidnapped Why can't I stand up? Wait—why do my hands feel so weird?"
I finally manage to bring my hands into view, and what I see makes my brain short-circuit like a toaster in a bathtub after watching happy couples on instagram.
"..... -___- ..."
Huh... HUHHHHHHH... where the hell are my hands? I've got what can only be described as satanic claws! Seriously, these don't even resemble hands; they look more like demonic feet, complete with long, curving talons. Did I take a wrong turn at the afterlife? Hello God?
"Wait, my neck wasn't this long before... and why does my skin feel like a desert in July? Am I in a drought, or just in desperate need of moisturizer?"
In my panicked state, I finally notice that every time I move, the ground trembles beneath me like I'm some kind of geological disaster in drive through. I must be the world's most terrifying toddler, stomping around like I'm practicing for Big momma 5 the grand Buffay heist
"There's got to be an explanation for this. There must be! I mean, I can't just wake up in a void with freaky claws and a neck that could double as a giraffe's! Where's the manual for this?"
With that thought, I feel a twinge of dread. Is there a cosmic guidebook out there, or am I destined to fumble my way through this nightmare?
Just as I'm about to lose my mind completely, a flicker of light catches my attention. It's dim at first, like a candle trying its hardest not to go out. I squint "i should've gotten contact lenses suddenly, a shimmering window materializes in front of me, floating like a holographic nightmare.
My heart races. "Finally! Some answers!"
But then I notice the text filling the window, and my heart sinks. It's all in ancient Chinese. Of course it is. Just my luck to end up in a bizarre situation where the only language is alien text
"Are you kidding me?" I shout into the void. "I wake up with claws, a neck that would make a giraffe jealous, and now I have to decipher ancient scrolls? Can't I just get a simple 'Welcome to the Void' message in plain English?"
The window keeps flickering, the characters dancing mockingly before my eyes. I can almost hear them snickering. "This is some cruel joke, right? Where's the punchline? Kevin hart pop your head " I look around, half-expecting someone to pop out and say, "Gotcha!" but nothing.
"Hello? Is anyone out there?" I call out, waving my claws in frustration. "I demand answers! Is there a translator in this void? Or at least a 'How to Survive Being a Demon Baby' guide?"
Silence. Just me and my existential dread.
The light flickers again, and the ancient characters seem to shift, but it's still gibberish to me. "Oh great, now it's teasing me!" I huff, throwing my head back dramatically. "Why does this feel like I'm stuck in a bad video game?"
I try to focus, squinting at the text as if sheer willpower could translate it. "If only I had a pocket dictionary... or a time machine to go back and pay for a Chinese course"
But the window remains unhelpful, floating there with its cryptic symbols. I'm left in a void, with no idea how I got here, what I'm supposed to do, or how to even scratch an itch with these ridiculous claws.
"Come on, universe! Throw me a bone here! Anything! I promise I'll be more grateful if you just explain what's happening!" I shout, my voice echoing into the endless darkness.
But the only response is the faint flicker of the light, taunting me like an unhelpful ghost. Fantastic.
Suddenly, the system window crackles, and a voice fills the void, speaking in rapid-fire ancient Chinese.
"Wait, what?" I freeze, staring at the flickering text. "You've got to be kidding me! I'm in a dark void, waking up with claws and a giraffe neck, and the only thing I get is a lecture in a language I don't understand?"
As the voice continues, I can feel my frustration bubbling over. It sounds almost cheerful, as if it's enjoying my confusion.
"Seriously?" -___-, I'm being mocked by a glitchy cosmic entity. "You're just going to read me the equivalent of a Swedish's Ikea manual, and I can't even translate it?
The system seems to chime in with an almost playful tone, and I can almost picture it smirking. I cross my arms, feeling like a wronged child. "Great, now I'm arguing with a computer that probably thinks this is all a game"
I watch the characters shift and swirl, and it feels like they're taunting me, a joke playing out right before my eyes.
"Come on, give me a break! You couldn't throw in a 'Welcome to your new life' in a language I speak? What's next, a pop quiz on ancient greek philosophy?"
The voice continues its cheerful monologue, and I can't help but roll my eyes. "Do I look like I have the time or patience for this?"
I take a deep breath, trying to rein in my frustration. "Okay, okay... calm down. Maybe if I stare at it long enough, it'll magically turn into English. Or better yet, give me a summation in a language for dummies!"
But the system seems relentless, churning out its incomprehensible speech as if it's enjoying the spectacle of my bewilderment. I can almost hear it laughing, the sound echoing mockingly through the void.
"Fine!" I shout, throwing my claws up in exasperation. "You want to talk ancient Chinese? Let's see how far that gets you when I'm stuck here forever! Enjoy the show while I'm stuck with these ridiculous claws and a neck that screams 'dry eel!'"
In response, the light flickers again, and the voice continues, as cheerful as ever.
"Yeah, this is just great," I mutter, feeling like the universe is laughing at my expense. "Just me and my new best friend, the confused guide What a life!"