FROM THE DESK OF KATHERINE DELEON, MEMBER OF THE DEPARTMENT OF STATUTE OF SECRECY ADMINISTRATION
To: Derek Arnold Fitzrovia-Tottenham, Director of the Department of Statute of Secrecy Administration
From: Katherine Deleon
Subject: Harry Potter's blog
Sir,
We have identified a social media account in the Muggle world that seems to be that of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. He has mentioned a case of accidental magic and his writings seem to indicate that his living situation is a potentially unsafe one and almost certainly an unsuitable one. I strongly request that you take immediate decisive action.
Yours very sincerely,
Katherine Isabelle Nicolette Deleon
....
FROM THE DESK OF DOLORES UMBRIDGE, UNDERSECRETARY TO THE MINISTER OF MAGIC
Oh, Katie, you must not have heard! The Department of Statute of Secrecy Administration is now under the direct control of the Undersecretary's Office. As such, all such complaints should be addressed to me. You are hereby dismissed from the Ministry of Magic due to such a flagrant breach of protocol.
With regards to your message, if you are insinuating the Muggles are advanced enough to create anything even remotely similar to our glorious ministry's social media initiative Magebook, I'm afraid you've quite lost your mind. Harry Potter is safely ensconced in the loving care of a magical family. Surely, no one would be dumb enough to send him to those animals masquerading as human beings. Thus, this message has been forwarded to St. Mungo's with instructions to have you institutionalized as quickly as possible.
Wishing you nothing but the best,
Dolores Jane Umbridge
....
From: Sir Andrew Felix Eddington, mi6director at .uk
To: Frederick Anton Islington-Lennox, primeminister at .uk
Subject: Harry Potter
Mr. Prime Minister, we have found Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. And, no, it is not a false alarm like the last time that ended up with one of our agents firing a rocket launcher at the Greek embassy. That was…a very awkward situation and honestly, I still can't look at a gyro stand without shuddering. But this time, it's the truth. We have found his blog and for some reason, the wizards have not yet taken it down. He definitively exhibited signs of accidental magic and I believe contact is imminent. Should we ready an extraction?
......
From: Frederick Anton Islington-Lennox, primeminister at .uk
To: Sir Andrew Felix Eddington, mi6directorsafe at .uk
Absolutely not. Stay the course. Thwart any and all attempts to shut his blog down. Potter's blog will potentially the biggest source of information we have into the magical society and we will not be denied such a useful asset. They cannot disappear him like all the other Muggleborns we have tried to recruit. If all goes well, we can finally bring this wretched society under our heel and end their unchecked use of magic against innocent civilians once and for all.
Activate our sleeper agent at Hogwarts. Tell him to use any means at his disposal to ensure Harry Potter's safety.
.....
[The following is a message sent via owl to the agent known only by the codename of Echidna.]
The time has come to talk of many things. Of shoes and ships and also how you need to get off your arse and make sure Harry gets his Hogwarts letter. If any harm comes to him, you're a dead man walking, Echidna!
..........
Howdy, ladles, jelly spoons, et al.! Harry's back! Did you miss me? Probably not. I mean, maybe chemtrail dude missed me, but that dude needs a life stat. (And I mean that in the nicest possible way, mate. Therapy works wonders. Actually, I'm not sure, but the Dursleys think it's wishy-washy namby-pamby mumbo-jumbo, so that's definitely a point in its favor.) I have been, tragically, stuck under the cupboard under the stairs again, punished for somehow letting that snake savage Dudley even though a) I did no such thing and b) it didn't even touch him.
But I'm back, benches, and I'm back with another strange going on. Is the apocalypse drawing near? Am I losing my mind? Well, first of all, I don't see any reason why these concepts have to be mutually exclusive at all. But enough musing, let's get to the deets, am I right? (Sorry if I sound totally cringe, but since I have no friends, all I know about youth slang comes from fanfic.)
It was yet another boring day at Dursley World, WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE! Oh, no, wait, that's Disney World. Dursley World is where dreams go to die. Back to it, something truly astonishing happened. Something that's never happened to me.
I got a letter in the mail.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, so what? People get letters all the time. It's probably just some junk mail that got mislabeled. But first of all, the letter was addressed to my cupboard. None of you wonderful readers knew I was in the cupboard at the time the letter was sent out. So how did they know? Are they spying on me? Are there surveillance cameras in my cupboard? Because if so, that is totally creepy and probably illegal and definitely all kinds of messed up.
And let me tell you dudes, this is a posh letter. Not junk mail at all. In fact, I had the presence of mine to take a picture of it.
[Image description: {AN: Just pretend Harry's describing his Hogwarts letter here. Later, I'll have actual descriptions for stuff, but we know what the Hogwarts letter looks like and it's unnecessary to put it in again.}]
Unfortunately, I wasn't smart enough to open it before Dudley could bring it to Uncle Vernon's attention. And he and Aunt Petunia went nuts. They acted like it was personally damning them to hell. They were terrified. Ah, but surely you're exaggerating, Harry, you say! Well, let me tell you something, hypothetical argumentative reader: they didn't let Dudley read it either when he asked. Dudley is a spoiled brat who has never heard the word no out of his parents' mouths in his entire life. For the first and only time in my entire life, they are refusing to listen to him.
After I got kicked out, I listened a little at the door and the Dursleys think they're being spied on too! Which serves them right. Then Uncle Vernon bribed me with the second bedroom. You know, the one I'm already living in. When I pointed that out, he just stormed out of the room.
Look, people, I can only come to one logical conclusion: I was born in a secret government laboratory like in Stranger Things, given superpowers, and the government put me at the Dursleys to test to see how berserk I'd go after all those years of mistreatment. And now they want me back to use against their enemies.
To which I say, dudes, I'm up for it, as long as I can run a fish and chips shop near MI6 headquarters. Seriously, I am uber flexible. Totally cool with being a government assassin if you want. Just, you know, fish and chips shop. It's my dream; I will never give up on it.
Later!