COMMENTS
daughter_of_dentists: Harry, I know exactly what that letter is, but I can't tell you over the web. If you'd reach out to me, we can meet in person so I can tell you what's happening. Also, I'm going to ask my parents to report your relatives, because putting someone in a cupboard is not okay.
Lady, you're a little bit obsessed with that cupboard, aren't you? It's not a big deal; it's not like they beat me. Aren't there, like, starving children in Africa or whatever the cliché is? Yeah, go focus on them.
Also, I'm not daft enough to meet a random stranger I met on the web who may or may not have knowledge of a conspiracy against me. Maybe you're a nice person who wants to help, and if so, I'm kind of sorry, but I'm going to pass on that just in case you're a crazed axe murderer or a Russian spy or a crazed Russian spy who murders people with axes. Which is not all that implausible since wasn't Trotsky killed with an ice axe?
chemtrailsarereal: I DO NOT NEED THERAPY! YOU NEED THERAPY! I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THAT! I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU! YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE!
I'm blocking and reporting you. I also might pass along word to the police, so, you know, be prepared for that.
......
FROM THE EMAIL ACCOUNT OF SIR ANDREW FELIX EDDINGTON
Frederick,
I say, old bean, smashing news: Potter just got his Hogwarts letter. Granted, the Dursleys took it from him, but I'm sure Operative Echidna will make sure Potter gets the letter eventually.
But something very concerning has arisen: Potter seems to know we've been watching him! I cannot understand how this might be. We've been nothing but subtle in our surveillance efforts. Is it possible Potter is just toying with us?
Andy
.......
FROM THE EMAIL ACCOUNT OF FREDERICK ANTON ISLINGTON-LENNOX
Andy,
Don't be daft. The boy's just tossing random theories out there; he's not serious. Stay the course. Potter is the key to everything. He can get us all the information Operative Echidna can't, all the tiny pieces of the puzzle necessary to commence Operation Enoch. By the time we're done, magical Britain will be no more.
Prime Minister Islington-Lennox
.......
Dear Mum and Dad,
I'm sorry to have to trouble you on your dentistry conference on the Isle of Skye, but a potentially time sensitive issue has come up. You recall what I mentioned about Harry Potter, the boy who vanquished that dark wizard? Well, I've been following his blog and I'm very concerned he's being abused at home. I'm passing along the pertinent entries from his blog. I offered to speak to him, but he refused, quite sensibly, I suppose, since I'm a total stranger. I hope when I get to the Hogwarts Express, I'll be able to talk to him in person and sort things out.
Could you please make sure something is done about this? The last time I called child services, it turned out to be a false alarm and now I'm rather afraid I'm known as the girl who cried wolf there.
Your loving daughter,
Hermione
........
Sweetling,
There's nothing that can't be put aside in the name of helping our daughter, not even a life threatening surgery. Your happiness is our first priority. We wish you were here, but you'd find the Isle to be frightfully boring. Make sure you're behaving well for your babysitter. And, yes, you are still young enough to need one; we aren't budging, darling.
With regards to your friend, of course we'll pass along the message to the proper authorities. Back in the old country – BY WHICH WE MEAN WALES OF COURSE – things like this would never have been allowed. It's a sad state of affairs. It makes me wish we were back in Moscow – Cardiff. Apologies. Neither of us have had our morning vodka. Uh, tea.
Long live the king,
Your loving parents
........
Dear Mum and Dad,
Oh, thank you so much. And don't worry about the errors – I sometimes get so confused in the morning I mix up Hegelian dialectics and dialectical naturalism! But don't tell anyone; I'd simply be utterly humiliated.
Love,
Hermione
.......
[The following is a transcript of a conversation between FSB agents Katarina Lesic and Eduard Renat Hamm, aliases Drs. Emmet and Danielle Granger, recorded by CIA agent Samuel Peter Yarrow.]
LESIC: So this letter we got from Hermione…you think it's serious or just another one of her crusades?
HAMM: Hermione's learned her lesson from last time. If I know her, she's gotten second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth opinions. This boy…he could be in credible danger. We will send in the report.
LESIC: Perhaps we should kill these Dursleys then, if our daughter has her heart set on this boy.
HAMM: Kat, have I taught you nothing? Obviously we will kill them if we believe they are an immediate concern, but Hermione must kill them herself for the gift to mean anything. I still remember when you killed my parents.
LESIC: We ate their still beating hearts, I know. You tell me this all the time.
HAMM: It was the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me. And now I get to be here, with you, my beloved wife, in the field, viciously torturing enemies of the state to death for the good of Glorious Mother Russia. There's nothing I like better.
LESIC: I worry about her, you know. Going off to this school…it's still not too late to send her to Durmstrang.
HAMM: Durmstrang is not a safe place for Muggleborns like Hermione. She's a tough girl. She can handle being away from home! I mean, it's not like a troll's going to try to kill her or anything.
LESIC: You're right, dear, I'm just being silly. Now where did I put that polonium…