A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Sorry, I had to do it. Damn, so I guess we're starting this, huh?

Well, my name's Spike Dogtooth, and if you didn't read the synopsis (which I don't blame you for; even I didn't read it, to be honest), I'm a wannabe mob boss. I'm sure you're wondering, "Hey, Spike! Why are you the one narrating? Where's the narrator?"

Well, enough already, okay? Sheesh, can't a guy narrate his own story here? Anyway, he and I (him and I? I can't remember) had a little uh...chat, and uh, let's just say he "let" me do his job.

Besides, it's a win-win! I get to tell my awesome story of how I, well, did the most impossible thing in the universe, while he gets to do other stuff narrators do when they're not, uh...narrating, I guess. What do those guys even do when they're not watching everything we do like a bunch of creeps? Oh, whatever, let's get this ball rolling, shall we? (Ooh, I love me some balls!)

It all begins on a normal island where something not-so-normal's going on. What do I mean by not-so-normal, you may ask? Well, I mean a Neanderthal dressed in tribal garb, a loon, is running like a madman from a T-Rex with arms so muscular they make the Rock look like a pebble—kind of "not so normal."

It seems this loony Neanderthal's trying to get back to his village, but the T-Rex has other plans—plans involving Neanderthal-flavored steak, medium rare! (Mmm, I could go for some of that, actually!) As the towering beast gets closer, the caveman clown begins to think he's not gonna make it in time.

He won't see his clan or his family again. It's all over for him, and, my faithless audience, you're all probably wondering how I know what he's thinking. Well, the answer to that is simple...Spike Dogtooth does what he does 'cause he wants to!

But seriously, though, I'm the main narrator, so while I know what people are thinking as I narrate, my counterpart in the story has no idea and is just going by instinct.

You cool with that? Good!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, it seems I wasn't the only one who could read the mind of the caveman, as the T-Rex stopped the chase and asked the caveman a question. "Do you have a family?" it said, exposing its array of man-eating teeth. And before you ask, "Why is it talking?" tell me how many actual bodybuilding T-Rexes you've seen, then I'll get back to you.

The caveman responded yes, and upon doing so, the T-Rex shouted, "Yes, this changes everything!"

The caveman was confused and was soon horrified at what the T-Rex told him next. "How about I spare your life in exchange for your family?" Of course, the caveman, being a dumbass, refused and shouted, "There's no way in hell I'll let you eat my family! I'd rather die alone than ever live with the fact that I sacrificed my own people, you reptilian bastard!"

The T-Rex was immediately and understandably enraged and proceeded to eat the caveman, but luckily the caveman, being a dumbass despite his pretty good vocabulary, had one saving grace that kept him from the literal jaws of death.

I actually like dumbasses.

I watched the scene play out on top of a nearby mountain and decided to help this particular dumbass out. Not because he was gonna get eaten—no, no, no, my audience, I couldn't give two shits about him.

It was because I'll do anything to protect anyone willing to protect their loved ones, even die for them. That was my code, and I swore to live by it.

I didn't know why I had that code, but as the story continues, you'll find out soon enough.

I leapt from the mountain with the Herculean strength of my feet, and when the T-Rex noticed me, it decided to clash my soon-to-be-incoming fist with his.

"No! Why are you here?" it shouted, angry yet utterly terrified at my presence since I was kind of a big name on this island among the monsters.

"Because my code won't let you hurt such a brave dumbass!" I shouted back. It then brought its fist forward, and our attacks met, shaking the whole island to its core and even causing tidal waves to sweep across the beaches nearby.

Soon, I turned the tides by using my secret ability and overpowered the muscular dinosaur with ease, killing it with one powerful move.

Now, throughout this story, several figures are gonna pull out some crazy moves with bizarre names. Including me. Now, let's take a look at one of my personal favorites...

(I agree, the name needs work, though...)

The caveman looked at me with buckets of sweat dripping down his face. He'd heard legends of the giant half-dog, half-man prowling the island but never believed them.

Boy, was he wrong.

He knew I was an unpredictable asshole, which, I'm not gonna lie, was pretty true, so he got on his knees and began thanking me in hopes that I wouldn't hurt him.

However, his little gesture did nothing but infuriate me. I gave him a little knock on the head. Okay, maybe not so little, since it was enough to send him crashing deep into the ground, but still...

"Aaargh!! Why did you do that?! First, you save me, then you send me crashing to the ground! I know you, you're...you're that dog-man, the strongest monster on Monster Island...Spike Dogtooth!! I...I thought maybe getting on my knees would appease you!"

"Oh, it seems I'm famous! That's pretty flattering!"

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be killing a giant monster instead of saving a useless caveman like me?"

"Ah, well, I was on my way to leaving the island and heard your screaming not far from here and decided to check it out. Once I got close enough, I saw the T-Rex chasing you and decided to watch and get a good laugh out of seeing it gobble you up!"

"W...well, why did you save me if you wanted to see me get eaten? Could it be that you..."

"Hey now, you little shit for brains! Don't go making any stupid assumptions about me! I only did it because of how you refused to let that T-Rex kill your family! It shows you ain't no coward, and I like that! Don't get any stupid ideas."

"Oh, okay, that makes sense considering all the rumors I've heard about you. But wait a minute, I just heard you say you were leaving the island! Why? You'd rather leave the safety of this island to face a galaxy filled with alien horrors and...and worst of all, humans?!! I admit this land may have some dangerous monsters running around, but you'd rather pick facing aliens, and worse, humans? Are you insane?!"

"Of course, I am! Guess you haven't heard enough rumors. I'm leaving this dinosaur-infested shithole to face the biggest shithole of all—the entire galaxy! Universe, even! To achieve my dream of one day becoming a mob boss!"

"Okay, I get it, you really are insane. Leaving the island isn't enough, so you decided to get an outlandish dream like that! Why? Don't you know criminals are hated all over the universe?! You'd be an enemy of the humans and every other race ruling the cosmos! Not to mention the Galactic Order, who eat young dreamers like you for breakfast! Face it, man, the world is filled with dangers! Just give up!"

"Pfft! Where you see danger, I see fun! Well, I didn't pick this dream because it would be easy! I love a good challenge, and my dream is the best one of all!"

"W...wow. (This guy is a complete idiot, but I can't help but admire him.)"

"But anywho, I'll be going then."

So, after parting ways with the caveman, I headed to my ship at the beach of the island and hopped inside, but then, just when I was about to leave, I saw a sight which made my bones boil! It was the caveman and his entire village, all saying goodbye and thanks to me! Pfft! Like I need his thanks! Hmmm, how about I go out there and teach this fool a lesson about me?

However, once my foot touched the ground, I noticed instead of sandy, it felt warm and...sticky. Then I looked at the caveman and noticed he wasn't saying goodbye; he was saying...

"Spike, look out!"

But it was too late, as what I was standing in was the mouth of a giant blue whale wearing...headphones? The whale closed its mouth and gobbled me and my entire ship up and left to sea.

W...will the dog-guy be alright, Dad?" the caveman's daughter asked, horrified at the sight.

"I d...don't know, dear. I just don't know." And with that, the caveman and his village headed back home with their same old mindset...never venture into the outside world.

And so ends the story of Spike Dogtooth...or does it?

THE END...FOR NOW!?