I could feel a shiver running down my spine as Paulo's lips continuously graze on mine. As I felt his hand cupping down my ass and his member seemingly rubbing on my core.
I knew I had to push him away, to stop him from whatever this madness was. But something was making me freeze in place, something ugly that had simmered right deep down since that day someone had started to avoid me.
This was wrong, in every possible way. So why? Why did I kissed him back? Why did I let him do whatever he wanted with my body when I should've reserved it for someone I only like?
"You are so pretty"
He breathed as his lips lowered on my neck and his kisses that were burning my lips went to my skin. His hands went underneath my shirt as he pulled my bra down and cupped my bare breasts. His fingertips moving too swiftly as he pinched the nip of my mounds. I gritted my teeth not letting the sound of pleasure escape from my lips.
Especially not when his fingers went inside my shorts and inserted it inside my core in one swift move.
I knew what we were doing. I wasn't naive and I had been here before.
Been in this position where someone else's fingers were inside of me thrusting inside and out. Where someone else's lips and hands were all over my body, marking it like it had belonged to them.
"Wai— stop!"
I tried to push Paulo away as his fingers dig faster inside of me. His lips were on mine again as I try to push him away.
Instantly my vision were clouded by the image of her. Of the person that had violated my innocence at the age of 8. I felt tears swelling up in my eyes, filling the rim of it with them. I need to stop this. I need to stop this from happening again. I didn't want this. No, I never did.
"PAULO I SAID STOP!"
I finally gathered enough strength to push him away and shout. My hands instantly flying to fix the clothes that he had almost shredded from my body. I felt the tears running down from my eyes as I swept them all away and choked back a sob.
But Paulo looked feral, he looked as if he was dissatisfied. Like he had wanted more from me. So when he took another step towards me, I immediately glared at him and pointed outside.
"Get out of my house"
His eyebrows furrowed in the middle as his lips formed into a thin line.
"What? We were having fun, why stop there?"
"Stop! Get out right now or I'll tell everyone that you had violated me"
A low snicker escaped Paulo's face as he brushed his hair up.
"You wouldn't because you couldn't"
A part of me wanted to strangle him, to choke the life out of him. Because for that part he was correct. I was a coward, and I could never tell anyone the kinds of violation that my body had been through. Atleast not yet.
"I don't care, get out and never talk to me ever again"
"I thought we had an understanding Qian. I know you like me too"
My eyebrows furrowed and instantly that anger bubbled up again as I felt every inch of me heating up like I was being put in flame. I gritted my teeth and let out the most nasty tone I could mutter.
"You're stupid, just because I was nice to you didn't mean I liked you"
Instantly his eyes widened as the realization hit him like a bucket of water in his face.
"Don't tell me you were using me for Leonel"
"He had nothing to do with this"
"Oh please Qian, everyone knew that you two had something going on but no one knew what you two were really were. But I knew, I had been watching you since day one and I could tell from the gazes you steal from each other. You liked each other"
I felt a shiver run down my spine again. It wasn't because of the fact that Leonel's gaze had always steered on me but on the fact that Paulo had been watching me since the beginning.
"Get out"
I said one last time through gritted teeth. He shook his head and walked away only to stop when he was at the door.
"You used me Qian, I'll make sure to pay you back for that"
"I didn't used you, and if you do anything to me, I will report you for what you had done to me today"
I said as I glare at him but he only snickered and walked out of the house. I finally felt my knees weakened as I slumped down the couch. And finally the tears that I had been holding back ran freely. I sobbed as I replay what had just happened.
As memories of before started flooding again.
I cried and cried as the notebook played its devastating story in the background.
***
"I have some bad news for everyone, apparently Paulo had dropped out of the school, so that would be one less boy in this company"
I lifted my head up to stare at Leonel as he delivered the news and instantly found him staring right at my direction. I immediately turned away from his gaze and tried to converse with Annika.
It had been a week since the incident with Paulo had happened and amidst his threat, he was rather quiet. Until this news reached me of course.
I gave Annika another smile as she tried to tell me some kind of story that I couldn't quite understand. I should be happy that Paulo was out of the picture. I should be happy that whatever he had did would never be out of the open.
But I couldn't.
Not when I could still feel his hands, his fingers, his whole body crashing into mine and his lips burning through my skin making me feel disgusted.
I awake at night with nightmares of what could have happened if I had left things the way it was. And I didn't like any of them.
"Qian wait for me here, I'll just go buy something"
Annika said as we reached the cafeteria where she had left me on the table that we hogged for ourselves. I braced myself as the familiar scent hit my nose.
I knew he had been eyeing me since earlier when he had delivered the news about Paulo. But I thought he was busy avoiding me to confront me about it, apparently he wasn't.
"I guess you miss your boyfriend"
My teeth instantly ground unto each other as I faced Leonel's glare.
"He is not my boyfriend and I am glad that he's gone"
And on the sound of my own voice always breaking into a sob, I saw his gaze soften and replaced by worry. Panic started seeping right through me at the idea that he might touch me so I drew back my hands from the table and shoved them inside my pockets.
I knew Leonel saw this as his eyebrows furrowed in the middle.
"What's wrong? What happened? He did something did he?"
This is why I was starting to hate him. He could tell by my body language if something was wrong, and his intuition was almost scary.
"Nothing's wrong"
"Qian"
He called softly, the first time since the weeks that he had been avoiding me and I could almost break down right there but I didn't.
"Stay out of my business from now on. I don't need you."
I said a matter of factly as I eyed Annika walking towards us. I saw how Leonel's eyes widened, how he stood up stiffly and how his lips formed a thin line as he walked away not even gazing at Annika who had took his former seat.
"You two should really stop fighting"
"Don't worry about it. I'll buy my food now, wait for me okay"
Before Annika could even answer, I stood up and walked towards one of the stores that had lined up inside the cafeteria.
Although I doubt I'll be able to even properly digest any food. Not with how I know things would never be the same between me and Leonel.