I was a disaster and it was embarassing.
"Heart rate and oxygen levels are stable now. Do you still feel lightheaded?"
I looked at the doctor and shook my head.
"Good, rest for a bit, we need you to sign some papers before you go"
I sat up from my bed and immediately saw that it had atleast been two hours since I had lost consciousness. You could say that I had been just sleeping because of overfatigue. I brushed my hands in my face, as someone who was in the medical unit, I cannot believe I had become one of the patients.
"Damn it"
My skin almost jumped out of me when the curtain drawn on my side quickly pulled up and revealed an Annika who looked like a mess. Tears were bubbling up on her eyes and it looked like she was dragged around by someone.
"You stupid, stupid idiot!"
She muttered before pulling me for a hug, her sobs quickly turning into a full blown wailing.
I chuckled and instantly she pulled away and glared at me.
"You think this is funny? If you were tired you should have said so, not fucking hyperventilate right in front of me"
And that was when I realized why Annika had looked like this.
"You had an episode too?"
Before she could even answer, Adrian peeked into the picture with Annika's backpack behind him.
"She hyperventilated right after she saw you having one."
"I was panicking and I thought you were having a heart attack you idiot"
I smiled softly at Annika and gave her a tight hug to which she returned.
"I hope you took my things too"
"Don't worry I got it"
Adrian lifted up the bag that must have been under my bed.
"Although I couldn't find your eyeglass, sorry"
My eyes widened at what he had just said but before I could even say anything a rushing Leonel was right beside us in an instant.
His scent was mixed up by different ones, probably from the people he had helped, and sweat that were beading on his forehead.
His gaze oddly piercing right through me as the first sign of relief invaded his body. He walked weakly towards me until he had sat on my bed, his head bowed down as he held my hands towards his forehead.
"We should check on those papers"
I didn't spared Annika and Adrian another glance as they got up from my bed and pulled the curtains so that no one would see us. All my attention was on Leonel.
On Leonel whose body was now shaking. Either from relief or fear, I didn't know. But he was shaking and I felt him continuously kissing my fingers as he laced them with his.
I stared at him and when he still didn't look at me I put my head right above his, just enough to pat him since he wouldn't let go of my hands.
"Leonel, look at me"
I whispered so low but I knew he heard it. And when I backed away, his face was in full view now. It looked like he was fighting his tears back and I bit my lip from saying anything that might trigger that one.
"Damn it Qian Harriett"
He muttered before he pulled me into a tight hug. His body crashing into mine and I felt every last bit of heat seeping out from it. His body fighting out the tremble that had been there. I hugged him back and I let my hands caressed his back softly.
"Stop scaring me like that Qian. My heart won't be able to take it"
"It wasn't on purpose"
As a response, he let out a heavy sigh before placing a kiss on my temple. Something I never thought he would have done, not with how things had been between us. But I didn't want to comment on it, didn't want this to end.
I want to keep on holding him, to keep on hugging him like this. To keep on acting like everything had been alright between us.
"I tried to search for your eyeglass, I'm sorry, I knew they were a gift from your grandfather"
They were but it was the mere thought of him searching for it that had the butterflies in my stomach running amok once again.
"It's alright, thank you"
And we stayed like that with neither of us wanting to let go. With the words that I wanted to tell him hung in the air as I knew I couldn't bring myself to tell him that now.
The words I never thought would even pass my lips.
I love you.
I wanted to tell him, but the fear of the consequences swallowed me up before I could even think of how to tell him.
And then there was that other thing.
The boyfriend.
The boyfriend who was visibly out of picture right now.
***
"You're breaking up with me?"
I rolled my eyes as I stared down at Bryan, he was wearing his maritime uniform and was visibly shocked at what I had just uttered.
"It wouldn't work between us anyway"
"Is this about last time when you got hospitalized? I told you I couldn't make it because the bus was going to leave"
I felt my head throbbed. After getting home I had learned that my so called boyfriend had rode the first bus home that was why he was M.I.A. during my episode.
But it wasn't because of that.
I had neither cared nor gotten angry at him for it.
"It's not because of that. I simply just don't like you anymore"
I said as I crossed my arms in front of my chest. He was becoming tedious as days had gone by and with the full clarity of how I really felt for Leonel crashing down on me, I don't see any more reasons to keep being in this loveless relationship.
"But Qian people would talk"
I raised an eyebrow at his statement.
"Then let them talk, I could care less about the things they'll say. I'm done Bryan, we're done"
"But—"
"Goodbye!"
I waved at him as I turned my back, not letting him get another word. He was shouting my name calling me back but made no attempt to stop me from walking away. He was a coward in his own way too.
But as the words popped up in my head again I realized we all were cowards.
I let out a sigh and walked back home, shedding some sad part of me along the way.