"I'm pretty sure Leonel's dating that Psych student"
"Huh? But weren't he and Pia together?"
"That's what I know. Pia and him had been together for more than eight months now"
"Then was the other one a side chick?"
"Damn he really does have it in him"
I should be sitting at my classroom listening to one of the most boring lectures and probably converse with my friends in between classes. Instead I find myself standing outside the student's hall of the pharmacy department. My hand clutching tightly on the food that I made for Leonel.
I took deep heavy breaths as I urged myself to walk away from the student's hall. No, I would never listen to anyone when it comes to Leonel, because he would never lie to me.
For all the time that I had known him, not once did he lie. But it would be a different thing if he had kept something from me.
I fished out my phone and entered a short message asking him to meet me at the park in front of the University.
I could feel my heart stiffening as I make my way towards the park. My head was bursting with so much thoughts that I had to organize them. Had to practice what I should ask and say. The right questions to get the right answers out from him.
But when I saw him sitting on one of the benches underneath the shade of a tree, all the thoughts vanished. And all I could do was cry.
"Qian?"
He called and his stride was large and fast. In a matter of seconds, he was right in front of me, holding my cheeks as his worried expression dawned on me.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying? What happened? Who hurt you?"
I choked down a sob as I felt my heart aching so much I thought it wasn't possible anymore for it to hurt more. But it did.
"You"
I muttered in a small voice and I saw how his expression changed from worried to confused.
"What?"
I bit down on my lower lip to stifle another incoming sob as I forced myself to ask.
"Who's Pia?"
And his expression was all the answer I needed to know. His eyes widened and fear started to stain his face as he cleared his throat.
"Qian"
"Don't lie to me please, I don't care if you hurt me but don't ever lie to me. Not you, please"
Another set of tears stained down my face as Leonel's hands on my cheeks falter until they completely fell from my face. It took him a while to answer but when he did I felt my whole world crashing down.
"Girlfriend"
I choked down another sob as I inhaled a heavy breath. As if trying to breath would have eased the ache in my heart.
"And me? I'm the side chick?"
"No, Qian no you're not. It's just—"
Leonel's voice trembled as his fingers fumbled with my hand. As his own tears betrayed him and some of it fell from his eyes. But all I could feel was the ache in my own heart. The pain that was blossoming into something ugly. Something he must have seen in my expression because he hurriedly said.
"Please let me explain Qian"
I should've let him, should've stayed right there and let him talk. Should have not let my anger and pain take over. But I did.
"Don't ever talk to me again, and don't ever show your face to me anymore"
I muttered, failing to recognize my own voice as I walk away from the very first person I fell in love with. I walked away eventhough he was trying to hold on, begging and crying for me to listen.
But my anger and sadness was too much. It consumed me and everything that I am as I left Leonel right there and never looked back.
A month later
They say time will eventually heal everything. But without proper closure how can it be healed? And how can something so broken be fixed once more?
It had been a month since I walked away. Since I had cut off everything that had to do with Leonel. It was hard of course, especially since we were in the same school. But my classes were in my favor and somehow without even realizing it, a month had gone by.
But even so, my heart still ached and it broke me so much that I cannot tell anyone about it. I had to act alright in front of everyone because no one knew what we really were. Not our friends, our classmates, our family, not even us.
And maybe what made it harder was that I never really got to tell him that I love him.
Maybe that's why after a month, I finally had the courage to pick up the phone, unblock him and answer his call that was finally getting through.
"Hello?"
Deep heavy breaths followed by another one before his voice finally cut through the line.
"Hey, how are you?"
I hugged my knees and buried my face into them.
"I'm okay, you?"
I had contemplated telling him that I missed him but it seemed like he wasn't doing the same.
"Not okay"
I let out a sad smile.
"Leon–"
"Qian please listen, I beg you just listen to me, just once is enough please"
He was crying, again. Maybe out of desperation, maybe out of fear or pain or maybe just out of anger. But Leonel was crying again. I was making him cry again.
"I'm listening"
I muttered silently as i heard him take deep heavy breaths.
"I miss you…"
I bit my knuckles as his voice trembled but I stopped myself from saying it back.
"And I'm sorry, I was stupid and a jerk. I had dated Pia back when I heard how you were dating Bryan. It was out of spite, I was wrong with that but I couldn't take it that you were dating someone else other than me. But when things between us got better again…"
"Don't lie Leonel"
I cut him off. I knew that he would somehow make some sort of alibi and that would only make me hate him more.
There were seconds of silence before his voice rang on the other line again.
"I couldn't let Pia go, I couldn't break up with her because I want her as my back up. On the account that you don't want me, I don't want to be left all alone. I'm sorry"
Honesty hurts like hell but it's what I wanted to hear the most and for that a part of me forgave him.
"I forgive you and I do miss you too…"
I welcomed the silence once more before I spoke again cutting Leonel off from whatever he wanted to tell me.
"But I am hurt and in pain and you had lost all the trust that I had given you before. And I don't know how to give you that anymore"
And that was the whole truth, I do still love him but if I cannot trust him anymore, what else was I supposed to do? I haven't loved anyone other than him before but I know that if there isn't any trust anymore, the love can never be right again.
"You know me, you know how easily I give my trust to people but once they broke that I don't know how to give it to them anymore. And that's what happened between us"
"I'm breaking up with Pia"
I blinked twice, thrice just to see if what I had just heard was true. I even pulled the phone away from my ear to see if the caller ID was still him.
"What?"
"I'm breaking up with her and I'm going to court you properly. No back ups, no reserves, just you"
And from the sound of his voice, I knew he wasn't joking, wasn't even lying about it.
"You sure? Just to be clear"
Leonel chuckled on the other end of the line and it made my heart ache a little bit.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore Qian, I'll do it properly this time even if it takes a long while. So, will you please let me have another shot?"
I smiled secretly as I hummed a yes. I know I would never be able to fully trust him yet but I would like to see where time will take us. Because I know in myself that I would love him no matter what happens.
But, fate had a different ending for us.
Because the next time Leonel and I talked, I didn't know that it would also be the last time. That things between us would end that night. That a simple argument about whether he should go on a long ride on his birthday or not would be the last thing we talk about.
Because we never met again.
Because he left me again, and this time he would never come back.