After all, he had told me we would be able to meet again. I could rely on that promise. The handkerchief in my hand was the proof of that. El had never broken a promise, so... he would definitely keep this one.
—Still... in spite of that... for some reason...
"They won't stop. Now that El's gone... the tears... the tears... won't stop..."
"... I can't sleep..."
—That murmur echoed futilely in the moonlit corridor.
After that, I had stood before the gate and cried myself out for a long time, until my tutor brought me back inside. My tutor, who at first had been angry at me for slipping out on my own, had perhaps been beaten down by my persistent crying, and had given me the day to rest. Thanks to that, I had cried my heart out in my room until I tired myself out and fell asleep...—
—...And I guess wouldn't make a funny story that I had ended up unable to sleep at night because of it...
Even as self-derision rose in my heart, it remained a fact that I wasn't getting sleepy at all. And I hadn't even had dinner, so my stomach was empty. Continuing to endure the hunger until morning seemed impossible, so perhaps I should go down to the kitchens and pilfer some bread. So thinking, I walked along the nighttime corridors.
—Still... the corridors at night were eerier than I'd thought...
There was not a single light in the usually candlelit corridors. The moon's pale light shone from the furnished windows, so it wasn't really dark, but I could not deny that there was a peculiar atmosphere, almost as if a ghost would jump out the moment I turned the corner.
—... Oo... Thinking about that sort of thing frightened me more than it should...
As if to defend myself from the sudden chill running along my spine, I thrust a hand into the pocket of my nightgown. In it was the little handkerchief I was holding onto for him. Just grasping it tightly was enough to clear away my unease and fear at once.
—Hee hee... Just like a charm...
No, that handkerchief was more than that to me. At any rate, it calmed my heart far more than any charm of dubious efficacy. To me, that small cloth which encouraged me might as well have been a part of El.
—That's right... isn't it? ...I'm not crying much, so...
Or perhaps it was because I had cried until I grew tired and fell asleep. I had a feeling that my heart had grown more positive even before sleep took me. ...No, that wasn't it. It hadn't grown more positive... it had just returned to the way it was when El was at my side. It was probably just that I was projecting his form onto the handkerchief, and somehow supporting myself by relying on it. I flashed a derisive smile at my own confused heart.
—But... I couldn't see it as a bad thing.
"Be an exemplary follower of the gods..." That was father's favorite phrase. One who believes in the supremacy of the Chief God, and slays monsters to show the Chief God's power—that was what my father meant by an exemplary follower of the gods. My days of studying and swinging a sword so much that my free time was all but gone were for that. Of course, I understood that father wasn't doing such things out of a desire to torment me, but... but... still... even though the Chief God was the reason I had had my play time snatched away, it wasn't the Chief God I could rely on, but—
—... Huh?
The instant I thought that, I could see the light of a fire illuminating the pale corridor. When I turned my gaze in its direction, a very slightly open door entered my view. A light was still burning in father's study; that meant father was probably still working.
—... Father was trying his best too, but...
I was awful, thinking only of my own problems.
I hated myself.
I put all my strength into my hand, not caring that the handkerchief would get crumpled.
Still, the blackness gushing forth from the depths of my heart simply refused to stop.
Hoping to shake it off, I approached the door.
The moment I stretched out my hand to extinguish that light, which seemed to illuminate my own awfulness, conversing voices reached my ears.
"You certainly seem to be in a good mood."
"Quite so. After all, I was able to drive those rats out at last."
—... Rats?
Father's voice sounded as if he were in a better mood than I had ever heard him in. When, intrigued by that, I quietly peered through the gap in the door, the figure of father seated on a couch met my eyes. Reclining and emptying the glass in his hand, his massive figure was more slovenly than I had ever seen it. The man who told me to "be an exemplary follower of the gods" wasn't there, was drowned in the momentary pleasure called wine—and what father called a traitor was there in his place.
"Rats... you say? An awful way to speak of a family that served you for many years."
"What's that you say? Surely it's only natural for the commoners to serve us. On the contrary, they should want to thank me for the favor of using them until today."
"As you say."
—...!
A nervousness ran along my spine at father's cold words. Judging from the contents of their conversation... the "rats" father spoke of must be El's parents.
But... I couldn't possibly acknowledge those words. After all... El's parents were such kind, warm people. If the two of them and El hadn't been there, I probably wouldn't be who I was now.
—But... there was no way I could ever assert that...
As I was, I could do no more than peep in.
To put it more plainly and comprehensibly, I was a "bad child."