The expression that should have been mine alone was mine no longer...
it was being directed at Lady Mercè instead.
I realized that I was gritting my teeth at that fact.
And yet... the two did not notice my dumbfounded gaze, and in the end things were decided in Lady Mercè's favor.
—Ah...
Should I have felt relieved that the pledge had been forced from him?
Lady Mercè flashed a complacent smile.
...
That grin, somewhere in which I could see the conviction "I can get him to agree," probably knew that he wore that expression when he was willing to humor the whims of others.
—But that... that was supposed to be my secret...!
A real secret just for me.
I hadn't even told father or mother...
No, not even El himself, or his parents.
Lady Mercè probably knew it too.
That alone was enough to make a queasy feeling well up in the region of my stomach, and I renewed my grip on the handkerchief.
Before me as I stood like that, Lady Mercè released El and departed in high spirits.
Even now, her practically-skipping figure looked very glad, and... and... very... very...—
—...How could I be... jealous...?
By all rights, I should have been standing in the same position as Lady Mercè.
And yet... when I beheld that scene, a jealousy so intense it couldn't be expressed in words passed through my breast.
My breast cried out as if it were about to be crushed by that jealousy, which seemed to make me realize that what I desired was out of my reach, and even to resign myself to it.
—No... Not this... No...!!
Sickened by my own envy of others, I reflexively made to flee.
But, as I suppose I should have expected, El noticed me.
Before I could turn on my heels, his gaze shot through me.
"Oh..."
—But... it wasn't what I had hoped for...
It wasn't the gaze of a childhood friend rejoicing at a reunion.
It was a gaze that merely emphasized the awkwardness of the moment.
That too was... surely natural.
He had, after all, been seen entwined in Lady Mercè's arms.
That must have been embarrassing for a man.
—That's it... It has to be... Otherwise, I...!
El might not be rejoicing at our reunion. I didn't want to let that hypothesis surface in my mind.
I mean... it might have completely negated who I had been until now.
The me who had kept on wishing to be reunited with him... the me who had lived supported by memories of him... might break, and end up dying.
—It wasn't true... was it? El wasn't... that... that sort of person, was he...?
In order to make sure of that, I needed to speak.
And... my words mustn't be those of a "Hero," but those of his childhood friend "Wilmarina."
It would be difficult to draw out those words, which I had not spoken in so long, but... unlike when we had met at the ceremony, I now had El's handkerchief.
It might take some time, but... as long as I had that, then surely... our relationship would go back to...—
"Lady... Wilmarina."
—...Huh...?
But El spoke before me, as I tried so desperately to move my lips.
The content of his words was... something I didn't want to acknowledge.
I mean... I mean, he had never addressed me like that.
Not even once.
It had always been "Mary"... El should have called me by the pet name only he and Fran used.
—Why...? Why... like that... like I was a stranger...?
"Are you looking for the commander? In that case, she just went over..."
"Ngh!!"
—Why...? Why won't he say anything to me...?
We'd finally... finally been able to see each other again, but... why was he speaking as if we were meeting for the first time... as if our past had never been?
My heart wailed, uncomprehending. But that anguish didn't show on my face.
My mental defenses sprung into action to keep me as I had been until now, and my cheeks silently formed the shape of a smile.
"Yes; this document is for Lady Mercè. There's no hurry, so would you pass it on to her later for me?"
—Those were the words of a "Hero," not at all inferior to his in propriety.
A model "Hero," who didn't give special treatment to anyone in particular.
A being who loved everyone equally, and therefore did not form specific relationships.
El's expression stiffened for a moment at my mask-like words, and yet he refused to say anything.
He took the proffered documents without challenging me for such conduct.
"...Under... stood."
"...Thank you very much. Well then... I'll be on my way."
—I turned on my heels and walked off like that... and El wouldn't stop me.
No, surely I was the one who ought to stop. I mean...
I mean, I was a "Hero," after all.
It would be much less awkward for me to go to him than for him, a common soldier, to call out to me.
But... still, if... if he called me "Lady Wilmarina" again...
—No... Anything but that...!
I felt as if my heart would go to pieces if he addressed me like a stranger even one more time.
If he did it again...
I really might break. The pain and anguish raging inside me were that terrible.
Before I knew it, I was dashing along the corridor, as if to escape from that pain.
Several people stared at my discomposure, but in my current state I could not bring myself to care.
After all... distracting myself even a little from the pain in my chest was much more important.
"Haa... haa..."
Having run all the way to my office like that, I leaned my back against the door and forced my chest to heave up and down.
Of course I, who had received the divine protection of the Chief God, shouldn't have been breathing so heavily.