"But..."
—And like that, he used the handkerchief to gently wipe my tears away.
The gentle way he used his hands filled me with an incomparable feeling of relief. But at the same time... I also realized that it would leave me. The loneliness of knowing that the warmth I wanted always to be touched by would vanish caused me to resume my weeping.
"And anyway, it's not as though we'll never be able to see each other again."
"You're... probably right,... but..."
—But it would be difficult.
My family—the Noscrim family—was among the most distinguished in all of Lescatié. I didn't think I was anyone special, but those around me certainly disagreed. There must be those who opposed members of distinguished noble families spending their lives like commoners, who weren't even servants. Not to mention that, recently—ever since I'd come home from that flower garden—my free time had almost gone. It was not until today that I had been able to find time in my schedule, which had become even more overcrowded than usual, to meet with him. Under those circumstances, I had no confidence that I would be able to make an opportunity to see El again.
"It's alright. I'm sure we'll manage somehow. We'll be able to see each other again."
—And yet, El's words were melting my chest.
Like magic words, they dissolved the unease within me, and brought forth a baseless self-confidence. If he said so... I was sure we'd be able to meet again. No. I would make sure of it, at any cost. The moment I decided that in my heart, I heard a voice calling El in my hears.
"...Sorry. I have to go now."
"...Alright."
I wanted to cling to El's retreating figure. I wanted to cry and scream "don't go!" But even if I cried and screamed, father's decision wouldn't change. On the contrary, my doing so would likely make more trouble for El and his parents. So... all that I... powerless child that I was... could do was to believe in his words when he told me that we could meet again.
"Oh... your handkerchief... I need to clean it for you..."
"It's fine; it's just tears."
"But..."
—Even so, it had certainly gotten dirty.
I felt happy that he was willing to take the handkerchief soaked with my tears, but on the other hand a little embarrassed. And... to tell the truth, I wanted the pretext of "returning the thing I was looking after for him." So that I would never forget him... No, so that I would always be thinking of him.
—But there was no way he would let me keep it for him when we didn't know when we would be able to see each other again.
My thoughts wavered in the gap between my feelings and my rational judgment. Should I keep it or not? As I was vacillating between the two, the events of the flower garden came to my mind. Those events, in which I had exchanged something of my own, gave me an idea, and I put a hand into my right pocket.
"Then... here. Exchange it for this."
"Huh...?"
—I withdrew a frilly handkerchief from my pocket.
That elegant, embroidered handkerchief was one father had bought for me. It must have been quite valuable in and of itself, and yet I wanted his simple handkerchief more. Even just a promise would be fine. I wanted to feel that I was still tied to El.
"I'll lend you that, El... until I return your handkerchief. So... an exchange."
—El looked dumbfounded by my words.
He stayed like that for a few seconds, and then he showed an indescribable expression. Still with that glad, embarrassed expression on his face, El's shoulders slumped.
Judging by that movement, which I recognized... he must have thought my willfulness had shown itself. And yet... I was incomparably more serious than usual.
"...I guess so. Let's... make an exchange, then."
"...Right!"
Had my intention gotten across, or was it just because it wasn't a bad proposal for him, either? El accepted my handkerchief, and handed me his own in exchange. Holding that in both hands, as if to embrace it, I turned back to face him. He was facing towards me again, too. But... there were no longer any words to be exchanged between us, who no longer had anything to do. Only silence ruled that place.
"Well... until next time... okay?"
"...Okay."
As we exchanged these brief words, El was already walking off to where his parents were. While he allowed his steps to falter and looked as if he were about to turn back several times, he did not stop.
I continued to watch his back, wanting him to turn back... wanting him to stop.
—El, who had been waiting before the gate just like that, merged...
His parents, noticing me, quietly bowed their heads.
But I was the one who needed to do that.
I was the one who needed to make a heartfelt apology to that family, who had been driven out by my father's whim.
As if charmed by those feelings, I bowed my head very deeply.
—By the time I raised my head, El and his parents had already gone out the gate.
The family's backs slowly receded as they walked down the road paved so that carriages could pass easily along it.
Even if I had tried to pursue them, the iron grill of the gate would have prevented me.
I felt as though my heart would be crushed by that gate, which seemed to insist that we would live in different worlds from now on.
But the person who would have protected me from that feeling was no longer at my side.
El, who had guided and protected me was... no longer at my side.
—The moment I thought that, something warm spilled from my eyes.
"... Huh...? How strange..."
I muttered at the tears brimming from my eyes in large drops. But... it should be fine.