20 minutes before the attack on the coffee shop. Raiden.
I sat on the chair inside of my secret room, my feet kicked up onto the table. I was leaning back in the chair, and there was a cigarette in my mouth. I believe it was my 5th. The ashtray in front of me was telling me that I was definitely underestimating that number. My eyes remained glued to the ceiling, and the rest of my body was unmoving. I had been like this for the past fifteen minutes. The only thing on my mind was my last conversation with Kami. Her frustration. Her anger. Her words. They bounced around my mind like walls of my head were a trampoline.
I exhaled deeply, allowing smoke to be blown into the air. From my position, the smoke in front of my face blurred my vision slightly, and the blue lights of the room resembled that of a sea of eyes looking at me. I closed my eyes.
"Listen, as long as I keep you safe, and in the best standing possible, who cares what happens to me? I'm the only one affected by my actions, and if I'm the only one who will face the consequences, then if I can handle it, It's okay, right?"
"And what about me? Huh?"
"Just like at the house yesterday, you don't get it! Even if you don't care about being left behind about suffering, what makes you think that I want to see that? That I want to look back and see my brother, holding himself to a sub-human standard?"
"You're exaggerating i-"
"Oh really? Exaggerating? I don't think so. You've just become a sort of slave to that damned mission given to you by father!"
I replayed the part of the conversation in my head. Especially that last sentence from Kami. I had been agonizing it over this entire time. it had been affecting, more than I wanted to believe. Was I really acting like some sort of slave. At the time, her words stung a bit. But looking back at it, she might have been right. During every single thing I had done since our first day of school, I had kept the same thought in the back of my mind.
Don't lose sight of your mission.
I clung unto those words, used them as a shield, as an excuse. Every time something came up, and opportunity, a chance to try something new, I would hide behind those same words. Like with the student council. I thought, if I were to join, that would be indulging far too much into myself. I would eventually lose sight of my mission to protect Kami. So, I rejected Suijin's offer. I said it was for my mission.
When Kami confronted me about it after school, I hid behind the same excuse.
"So exactly how mad are you at me?"
"How mad do you think I am?"
"Listen, you of all people know why I had to declin-"
"Know? What exactly do I know?"
"My mission was laid out to me before I came here. Joining the student council doesn't align with that mission."
"Listen, I don't want you to do that again, okay? Doing thing on my behalf. I'm perfectly fine with fading away into the background. I only have one job."
"Nonsense."
"You're perfectly fine with being left behind? Don't give me that crap. And don't do things on your behalf? If I don't vouch for you, who will?"
Another one of our previous conversations passed through my mind. Once again, I began to see the meaning in Kami's words. She was trying to say that she hated the way I disregarded myself, my own identity, for this mission. Especially because I kept repeating, like a broken record, that it was all for my mission to protect her. Unknowingly, I saddled her with a guilt that she was the reason I refused to set my own identity, that it was her fault that I was a slave to words from years ago.
I gritted my teeth at my own stupidity.
What kind of brother are you? Forcing your little sister to vouch for you, forcing her to be the one to get you to break out of your shell. Hiding behind the same cowardly excuse that it was for your mission. For her. Why did I even follow those words so closely?
A memory returned to my mind. An imposing man, with a serious expression in a black suit was standing over me. At the time I was a child. When his mouth open and he spoke, I shrunk back at the commanding tone in his voice.
"Raiden. Never forget. Never lose sight of the mission you have been giving. Your only purpose is to protect the princess. Protect Kami. That is, it. Don't ever lose sight of that goal. Because should you ever do, you will lose sight of the only reason for your pitiful existence."
Little me turned his eyes in a downcast expression. "Father..." He murmured under his breath.
"Father?" He repeated the words, seemingly disgusted that they had even came out of my mouth. "Don't ever use such a term of endearment with me ever again." His words were severely cold, his gaze even harsher. "With everything that has happened, you can only be likened to a defect, a parasite. And yet you have the audacity, you possess the greed, the nerve to refer to me as your father? Compared to your sister, you are nothing but trash."
I froze, remembering the words of my own father.
"But Kami." I muttered under my breath. Kami's want for me to be my own person, and my father's outright rejection of that ideal clashed inside of my head for precedent. I was being torn apart. The ideals that had so long held root inside of my mind were slowly being questioned. Maybe Kami was right. "I should, I should try to change." I muttered weakly to myself. If the way I currently was, meant I was being a burden to my sister, then the only option was to change.
"So, you've finally understood the meaning behind what me and Kami have been trying to tell you?" A voice said. I look down. The screen had come to life, and Yuki appeared in front of me. She was dressed the same as she always was. Her eyes seemed to pierce into my soul. She frowned when she notices the ashtray on the table, and the cigarette in my mouth.
"Raiden! What did I tell you about smoking?" She shouted at me, her voice almost seeming parental. Not like I would know what it means for a parent to be worried about me. I removed the cigarette from my lips, tossing it into the ash tray. I watched as it slowly began to burn away.
"How long have you been listening in?" I asked, my voice cracking as I spoke.
"For a while know. However, I decided to remain silent, seeing as how you clearly were in some deep contemplation." She smiled. "However, I've seen that you've finally come to understand what Kami has been trying to say?"
I sat in silence for a few seconds. I glanced at the corner of the room, where my wand was leaning against the wall. I took note of the bright pink heart that was inscribed on the top. My master seemed to notice it too. Her smile grew warmer. "Whoever did that clearly is a very smart girl. You should consider asking her out."
I couldn't even bring myself to respond to her joke, to ask her how she knew that I wasn't the one who made that modification, how she knew that the person who did, was a girl. I was too busy thinking. Remembering. Thinking. About all the words that people had said to me. When Erika had suggested that I add a lightning bolt to my wand to make it more badass. Kami, calling me a slave, yelling at me in anger for not being selfish enough. Nova, explaining her goals. Yuki telling me to finally enjoy myself. And finally, Suijin telling me to follow my heart. They were all pushing against the dam that was my own fears. My own misconceptions. The person that was holding that dam together...
An image of my father reappeared in my mind. Calling my greedy. Selfish. Likening me to trash. There was no way none of his words didn't hold at least the smallest bits of truth. I leaned my head down, holding it in my hands. At any moment, I felt as if my emotions were going to spill over. I felt like the dam was going to explode, and the water would drown me. Yuki noticed this. She began to speak in a soothing voice.
"Don't let objects of the past, words of the past hold you back now."
I gritted my teeth in frustration at the weak state that I was currently in. I had never felt this weak since... That time in the rain, with Kami, when we were little... "Master, is, is it really, okay?" My voice was on the verge of breaking.
She nodded. I could almost feel her arms come to wrap around my body. "It's okay." At that moment, I could her the front door open. Yuki's voice dropped to a whisper, as if she was right there in the room with me, holding me tight. Like a mother would their child. "Go, go set things right." At that moment, the cigarette began to burn brighter than ever. I stood up, a new sense of motivation taking hold in my body. I walked up the steps, more motivated than I had probably been in my entire life. I opened the door, being met with the bright light of the sun.
And then, all of my motivation was suddenly crushed by the image in front of me. The fire inside of me was put out. All of the positive thoughts that had motivated me, pushed me to go and reconcile with Kami, to try and change my own ways. They were all snuffed out as easy as one would blow a birthday candle. The sight in front of me did that in under a second.
Kami was standing by the front door, a bruise on her left eye, and tears running down her face. She looked scared, more scared and terrified then she had ever been in her entire life.
In the basement, the flame of the burning cigarette went out.