Throughout the entire school day, I never left Homura and Ren's side. During homeroom, which I shared with both of them, we sat together. No words were shared. We still needed time to process everything that had happened yesterday. All around us, Students were gossiping and talking about the terrorist attack at the mall. The general reaction was a mix of shock, fear, and anger. In the front of the class, I could hear two students having a conversation.
"Just who do they think they are? How can they have the audacity to commit such heinous acts, and then blame it on magicians? No way people actually believed that bullshit!"
The boy sitting next to her nodded in agreement. "They must think that people are dumb or something. If they were going to direct their hate at anyone, of course it would be the terrorist who held them hostage in the first place!"
I chuckled cynically as I heard their conversation. If only they knew...
Next to me, Homura looked over, startled by my sudden chuckle. She reached out a hand to touch mine, which was resting on the table. The warmth of her hand on mine calmed me down, even if it was only a little bit. I looked at her appreciatively, and she gave off a weak smile.
It was a small reassurance, and in truth, it probably didn't have value, and yet it still means something to me. It helped to uplift my mood. It had been the fact that Homura had tried, not the fact that she had did a good job.
If only Raiden could understand that....
When my thoughts turned to Raiden, I couldn't help but remember the events of yesterday. Everything. The terrorist attack, my conversation with the little girl, the hatred from the people. And most importantly, the part that hurt the most: My conversation with Raiden. When I came, I had been seeking some sort of comfort, but Raiden couldn't provide it. Instead, he brushed everything off and fell back upon the excuse that I hated so very much.
"I am going to fulfill my mission now. And never again will I abandon it. That, I can promise you."
That declaration stung. That sting was only made worse by the fact that Raiden had nearly broken away from the restrictions of this mission. His mission to protect me. When I had arrived home, and Raiden had burst out from the basement, he bore a cathartic expression on his face. His eyes held hope. But that was crushed as soon as he laid eyes on my weak figure.
Weak.
That was what I was.
Homura gripped my arm tighter, able to sense my distress, but unable to actually form any meaningful words to help me. Beside her, Ren was just tapping his finger on the table, looking at a wall in the class. His eyes were distant. As I looked over at him, I wanted to reach out and say something, to try and pull my friend out of this hole he was in, but I couldn't.
Could this have been what Raiden felt yesterday? Was he this torn up by his own guilt...Because of my weakness?
***
Once that that thought had entered my brain, it never left. Throughout lunch. Throughout training, throughout classes. I could only think about whether it was my fault that Raiden ended up returning to his mission.
Homura noticed my attitude, and she was glaring into the back of my head the entire day, as if to say,
"Whatever you're thinking about, stop. It's wrong."
I wish I could stop, but it wasn't that easy.
Things were never that easy.
Even back to when I was young.
***
I was still unable to break away from the Jail that was my thoughts, even all the way after school, when we arrived at the student council room. The discussion picked off from where we had left of last time. The problem of how exactly we would be able to get the castle of dreams completely built and set up within a week, while involving as few students as possible proved to be one with no easy solution.
Back and forth, the student council members gave and shot down ideas. Things from attempting to use magic that could hide the decorations in sight, to renting out multiple different buildings in order to store every last one of the decorations and pieces until the time to set it up came; these ideas were brought up, and subsequently brought down. This had gone on for a decent amount of time, and I had remained silent throughout.
My silence didn't go unnoticed. Maybe to the student council members, who still had yet to adjust to the fact that I was a member, they could forget about my prescence. However, Suijin could not be fooled. From time to time, I could feel her gaze turning towards me. After Ichijo had his suggestion shot down, a period of silence began. That silence was quickly broken however, by Raiden of all people. However, he was not presenting an idea or anything. Instead, he seemed to have been talking to himself.
"Maybe, it's all just superficial."
Those five words drew the gaze of me and Suijin. Raiden seemed to have realize that he had spoken these words aloud, because he looked up, noticing both me and Suijin looking at him. When me and Raiden locked eyes, he was quick to look away. That hurt. It's probably-
However, before I could finish that self-deprecating thought, Suijin's sweet voice sounded out, snapping my attention to her.
"Well then, let's hear from the two people we haven't heard from yet." She clapped her hands together and gave us a warm to smile, to show that this wasn't a callout, but instead an attempt to push us into the conversation.
Realizing that they were probably expecting me to speak, I opened my mouth to begin, but Raiden spoke first.
"Do you think that it would be possible to get everything set up in a week, with the few amounts of people that you plan to involve in this mission?"
Suijin took a second to ponder. "I believe, that within a week, we could probably just barely get everything set up. But that possibility isn't realistic, considering how we have to also keep up with other tasks like preparing the defense of the culture festival."
Raiden nodded. "Then, seeing as how that task isn't too intertwined with the actual Castle of Dreams itself, couldn't have some other students collaborate together with Yuri to figure it out?" Raiden suggested a solution to the dilemma.
"I have to say, it isn't exactly the worst idea. Seeing as how the layout will be pretty much identical with that of the actual school, we could have a group of students plan out the defense without having to worry about anything getting out." Surprisingly, Genji was the one to support Raiden's idea.
"And for the actual selection of students, leave it to me. I am the Chairman of extracurricular's for a reason." Ichijo pitched in.
Suijin considered for a few seconds. It wasn't the worst idea, but she seemed, hesitant.
The one to give her the push, was surprisingly, Raiden.
"I think you should take it. it'd be a way for you to.... lighten the load." He emphasized the last part of his sentence, and it seemed to work, because Suijin's eyes widen as she turned to cast Raiden a glance. She then smiled at him before turning back to face the rest of the cancel.
"Then, I approve of the idea."
The problem had found a solution, and the slightly tense air in the room had been alleviated. From everyone except for me. I felt a bit, weird inside. A slight bit jealous, that Raiden could find the words to help Suijin, but not me. it was a selfish thought, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking it.
"Seeing as how we achieved what we set out to do, how about we end this meeting early?" Suijin then raised her finger into the air before saying, "Meeting Adjourned!" After which, we all stood up and prepared to leave.
"Kami, could you stay for a bit? I wanted to talk to you, in private of possible." Raiden froze for a few seconds, before reluctantly taking a step out of the room. When the large doors closed behind him, I turned to face Suijin. I was prepared for her to chew me out, for her to ask me about why I was so silent. But I should have known that that was never going to happen. Suijin wasn't that type of person.
She stood up from her seat, and her tall and slender frame was framed nicley by the sun. She then waked over to me, before slowly, grabbing my hand. At first, I couldn't understand what exactly she was trying to do, and my entire body remained tense. However, her hand was warm. And her gaze was warm. She then put her other hand on my head, patting it for a few seconds. I still stood in absolute bewilderment at what she was doing.
She then leaned in close and began to speak. "Don't let your confidence fall."
Again, five words. Five words that made me want to collapse. And I nearly did. However, Suijin's strong arms did not let me fall. She held me close and began stroking my hair, as she let me bury my face in her dress.
"It's alright. It's okay to cry."
As she began to speak, I couldn't help but notice that she was reiterating the same words that I had spoken to that little girl what felt like ages ago.
She contined to stroke my hair and hold me closely. Tears were about to fall from my eyes.
"Being able to show your emotions, and be vulnerable, is strong. It takes much more strength to do that, then it does to bottle everything up and push everybody away."
However, coming from Suijin, these words held actually meaning.
But still, just like the little girl had, I shook my head. How could this display of wretched weakness possibly be strong?
"Kami. You won't understand it now. But with the help of others, and with the help of your friends, you'll be able to see it soon. How strong you really are. So, for now, don't let your confidence fall. Don't let go of those around you. And most importantly...
She leaned in close before saying these last words.
"Don't give up on those who are closest to you."
And the only thing I could do, was break down into tears.