I couldn't form words. I couldn't stand the sight. But I couldn't take my eyes away. Standing in front of me, was my sister. My lovely sister Kami, who I had sworn to protect. My sister who was beautiful, and always smiling. And yet standing in front of me, was none of those qualities. Her beautiful face was marred by the bruise around her eye, the expression on her face was one very far from smiling. In fact, it wouldn't be crazy to say that she looked as if she would never smile again. And the tears. The tears that slowly trailed down her face. W-when was the last time I had seen Kami cry?
"Who." Was all I could get out. It was more of a statement, a declaration of sorts, then an actually question. My brain still couldn't process what my eyes were showing me. I wanted to reject the image in front of me, to have it scraped out of my brain with a cheese grater. That would be less painful than looking at my sisters hurt face.
Kami took a step forward, and nearly collapsed onto the floor. I immediately rushed in to catch her, allowing her to lay her weight on me. I could hear her soft and trembling voice murmur, "Raiden..." That froze me completely. Finally, my brain made a decision. The image in front of me was something that I had never wanted to see, never thought that I'd ever see in my lifetime. Whoever did this... Whoever did this to Kami.... I couldn't even voice my thoughts. I clenched my fists in anger.
Kami seemed to sense my displeasure, because she reached out, grabbing the sleave of my white shirt. She squeezed hard, as if she was trying to stop me from leaving. "NO, I-its over..."
"It's over? What the h-" I was just about to start, to let out my anger in the form of words, but Kami stopped me once again, pointing towards the table.
"Just, let me explain, please."
***
I helped Kami into her seat at one head of the table, before taking a seat right next to her. I offered to get her something to drink, or to get her an ice pack or something, but she declined. Saying that she wanted to get everything out first.
"After we parted ways, I had left to the coffee shop in the mall with two of my friends. When, out of the blue, terrorists attacked. They claimed to the judges. The executioners. They claimed to be justice." Kami's set the scene of everything that had happened. I listened closely, waiting for her to get to the part of who exactly had gave her this bruise. What had happened for her to come back crying.
So, you can do what? Get revenge?
My father's mocking voice entered my head now. Almost as if sensing the state I was in, sensing the fact that I had completely lost my resolve, lost all of my determination that I had built up.
Shut up!
She's already hurt. You failed your mission.
Shut up!
I redirected my attention to Kami's story, which didn't give much respite from the voices. Her story was only adding on to the guilt that I felt.
"They shot someone, took a girl hostage, and went on an entire rant about justice, and how everything that happened in that store was our fault. Because we were magicians." Her voice was extremely small during that last sentence. She was scared.
You caused this. My father's voice returned.
It was like someone had put another spear in my heart. The walls of the dam that I had just managed to break were slowly being built up, all done by my father's figurative hands.
"They had a barrier, a dome around the place. We managed to destroy the barrier and take them out but-" Her voice broke, sobs threatening to overtake her speech. I paused for a few seconds, surprised at the turn in the story. If the terrorist hadn't done this-
Kami continued to speak. This part seemed to be the hardest, as she took a deep breath before she spoke, trying to keep the tears at bay. "And there was the little girl. The one who was held hostage... I spoke to her, I told her that she was strong, that despite the tears she was strong... I held out my hand for her, to help her up, to help her come back..." At this point the tears began to fall, streaming down her face, and she began to sob uncontrollably.
The sight of my sister breaking down, of her crying, it made me want to break. My anger had begun to wash away. It was not replaced with guilt. Guilt of being stupid enough, weak enough, dumb enough to let my sister get hurt like this. In the corner of my eyes, I noticed the painting of Kami, the one that encapsulated her beauty, when my eyes returned to her currently bruised and tear strained face. I couldn't believe myself.
What did I tell you. I tried to warn you. I tried to help you, Raiden. My father's voice took on a low tone, almost as if he was trying to empathize with me.
You are despicable trash, not only for forgetting your mission, but also for letting Kami get hurt. For letting Kami cry. For letting the same thing that happened all those years ago happen again! The one thing that you vowed to stop! The one thing that you promised you would never, ever see again!
At some point, my father's voice faded, and it became mine. I was screaming at myself, unable to handle the guilt, the worthlessness that I felt.
"But I was meet with hate. They hated me, they called me trash, compared me to a disease!" Kami had finally reached what was making her feel so torn up, what was making her cry. "They all scorned me! And I began to cry, and I felt weak! Everything that I said that little girl, they were all lies! I was being a hypocrite, a damned hypocrite! I lied to her, and she thanked me with all her heart!" Kami began to shout and cry at the same time. She breathed heavily for a few seconds, before finally lowering her voice. "This bruise, it came from the police who were trying to interview me. They took any chance they could to hurt us." She stopped speaking. She was hurt, scared, in need of comfort. In need of someone to try and help her.
And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't think of any words to say, and even if I could, I would never be able to phrase them correctly in the first place. I sat in front of Kami, being utterly useless. I couldn't help her through her suffering.
Don't you see it now? The depth of you utters worthlessness. My own inner voice and my father's voice mixed together as they ruthless citizen me. Just a few minutes ago, you were going on about trying to break away from your mission, trying to be more selfish. Now, do you not see the consequences of your sins? Of your sloth. Of your greed. Even now, you can't rectify anything. Even if you did speak, not a single word you could muster would be a reassurance. You see that yourself. Which is why you can't even look her in the eyes anymore.
Everything the voices were saying was spot on. I had turned my gaze to the floor, too ashamed to even look my sister in the eyes anymore. Despite being enveloped in her own tears, she still was able to notice the change in my demeanor. She reached out slowly, before suddenly grabbing the sleeve of my shirt once again. She pulled me close, speaking frantically.
"No no no no no. Don't do this right now Raiden." Immediately she began to wipe away her tears. "Don't try and take the blame, this isn't your fault! Look my in the eyes. Raiden please, look me in the eyes!" Her voice grew more panicked and frantic. She had noticed my expression, and now she was trying to hide her tears, hide her fears, in order to make me feel better. I couldn't look her in the eyes. I was unworthy.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Has the idea of shame been completely removed from you? How the hell can you, who claims to be her older brother, be sitting her pathetically, as she tries to console you? Who the hell are you to put your concerns over those of the princess! My father's voice returned, louder, and harsher than ever. They bounced off of the walls of my brain, reverberating through every bone in my body.
If you can't help her mentally, if you can't even help her sort through her own thoughts, then do the only thing you can do. Forget yourself, forget your selfish desires. Lay down your body and your life in her defense. Do it for the princess. Because that's the only value that your worthless existence serves any more. Thats the only thing you can do. Because in everything else, you are completely, utterly, useless.
"Kami." I spoke. She perked up. I looked her in the eyes. Her scared face, her tear strained face. For a moment, her eyes were filled with hope. But my next words shattered that hope. Ground it to dust. They weren't the words of endearment that I should have given. They were cold words. A promise that came out of love, but probably did nothing more than put a stamp of hate in her heart. I did it on purpose. I knew that if I said these words, she would have no choice but to hate me. To recognize my incompetence. Even if she didn't hate me at the moment, when she thought back to this moment, this time where her so called older brother was unable to do anything to mend her suffering, she would surely look back at this moment with hate in her heart.
"I am going to fulfill my mission now. And never again will I abandon it. That, I can promise you."