It was supposed to be a normal night at the local tavern. After our last misadventure involving a haunted outhouse and a particularly horny ghost, I was more than ready for a quiet evening, maybe even one without any supernatural nonsense. But, as usual in Lavatoria, peace was a fleeting concept.
I was relaxing, or, as close to relaxing as a sentient toilet can get, near the fire, with Ursha grumbling about something and Nixie gleefully recounting our latest exploits to a group of intrigued villagers. Just as I was beginning to think maybe, just maybe, tonight would be normal, the tavern door slammed open.
In stumbled a middle-aged man wearing the distinctive uniform of a town official. He was drenched in what looked like sewer water, his face pale and eyes wide with panic.
"Someone, help!" he gasped, staggering toward us. "It's the toilets! The toilets have gone mad!"
I raised an eyebrow (or I would have, if I had one), glancing at Nixie. "Do you think he means, "
"Absolutely," Nixie cut me off, already grinning from ear to ear. "This sounds like our kind of job."
The man collapsed into a chair, still shaking. "Please, you have to help! Our toilets… they're haunted! Every bathroom in town is overflowing with ghosts! Faucets are spewing ectoplasm, mirrors are showing faces… and the toilets, they're… they're alive!"
Ursha, who had been sipping her drink calmly, set it down and sighed. "Here we go again."
I couldn't help but groan. "Seriously? Haunted toilets? That's a new low, even for Lavatoria."
"Not just any toilets!" the official said, shaking his head violently. "These are toilet ghosts. They're everywhere! And no one can stop them. We've tried everything. The plumbers can't do anything, and the exorcists… well, let's just say they're in over their heads."
Nixie's eyes lit up at the word "ghosts." "Ghosts, huh? Sounds like fun! So, where do we come in?"
"We need you to take care of it," the man said, wiping his brow. "We'll pay whatever it takes. Just… do something before the entire town is flooded with ghostly sewage!"
I sighed again, louder this time. "Flooded with ghostly sewage. That sounds like exactly how I want to spend my night."
Nixie, however, was practically bouncing in her seat. "This is going to be awesome! Toilets, ghosts, and adventure! We're going to be famous!"
Before I could argue, the door to the tavern opened again, and in marched three figures dressed in what could only be described as plumber jumpsuits, except these plumbers had a unique twist. Each one had a plunger strapped to their back, along with what looked like a customized ghost-hunting backpack, complete with tubes, buttons, and blinking lights. One of them even had a custom hat shaped like a toilet seat.
The leader of the trio, a tall man with a wide grin and far too much enthusiasm, stepped forward. "You folks must be the ones we're teaming up with!" he declared, his voice booming through the room. "I'm Plungey Pete, leader of the Flushbusters! We've been dealing with haunted plumbing for years, and this? This is the big one!"
Nixie's eyes went wide with excitement. "The Flushbusters? Oh, this just keeps getting better!"
I stared at the three of them, utterly confused. "Wait… you're real? I thought the Flushbusters were just an urban legend."
Plungey Pete laughed, his hands on his hips. "Oh, we're real, all right! Real as the ghosts clogging up your town's toilets! And we're here to take care of business!"
Behind Pete were his two companions. One was a wiry man who looked like he hadn't slept in days, with greasy hair and large, circular glasses. He had a bunch of wires and tools hanging from his belt, and he was frantically typing something into a small device attached to his wrist.
"That's Drain Dan," Pete said, motioning to the wiry man. "He's our tech genius. If it can be plunged, drained, or rewired, he can handle it."
Dan gave a quick, awkward wave before going back to his typing.
"And this here is Bidet Brenda," Pete continued, pointing to a tall, stone-faced woman with short-cropped hair and an intense glare. "She's the muscle of the group. If a toilet ghost gives us trouble, she's the one who handles it."
Brenda gave a curt nod but didn't say a word.
"Together," Pete continued, "we're the Flushbusters, and we're here to rid your town of every last toilet ghost!"
I looked over at Nixie, who was practically glowing with excitement. "This is going to be ridiculous, isn't it?" I muttered.
"Oh, absolutely," Nixie said with a grin. "But isn't that the best part?"
Ursha, meanwhile, was already standing, her axe slung over her shoulder. "Let's just get this over with. If I have to fight ghosts, they'd better not be toilet-themed."
Pete clapped his hands together, grinning even wider. "Great! Let's get moving! We've got a whole lot of haunted plumbing to deal with, and Lady Lavatora herself might be behind it all."
"Lady Lavatora?" I asked, dreading the answer.
Pete's grin faltered slightly. "She's… well, let's just say she's the queen of toilet ghosts. If she's involved, we're dealing with something big. Real big."
I groaned. "Of course. There's always a queen of the toilet ghosts."
"No worries!" Pete said, clapping me on the back, which made my porcelain body rattle slightly. "We'll handle it, partner! Let's bust some ghosts!"
With that, the Flushbusters led the way, and I couldn't help but feel that this night was about to get a lot weirder.
The town's sewers were exactly as gross and eerie as you'd imagine. The air was thick with the stench of stagnant water, mildew, and, of course, sewage. It was pitch black except for the glow of our torches, and every step echoed through the tunnels, mixing with the constant sound of dripping water.
"I'm starting to regret my life choices," I muttered as I rolled along behind the Flushbusters, the wheels of my porcelain frame squeaking with every turn.
"Oh, come on, Jake!" Nixie said, bouncing ahead of us with her usual enthusiasm. "This is going to be fun! It's not every day we get to team up with ghost-hunting plumbers to take down haunted toilets."
Ursha, who was walking beside me with her axe at the ready, grunted. "As long as it doesn't involve more seductive spirits trying to get Jake's magical sperm, I'm fine with it."
"You had to jinx it," I muttered, my porcelain tank tightening at the thought of another spirit with ulterior motives.
"All right, team! Eyes sharp, plungers ready!" Plungey Pete announced ahead of us, his voice echoing through the sewers. "We're deep in ghost territory now. These toilet spirits are known for their mischief, and they're not afraid to get messy!"
Pete's optimism was grating, but the guy clearly loved his job. Behind him, Drain Dan was fiddling with his wrist-mounted device, muttering something about ghost levels and spectral signatures, while Bidet Brenda marched silently, her eyes scanning the tunnels like a predator hunting prey.
Suddenly, there was a loud gurgling sound ahead, followed by what I could only describe as an unholy toilet flush. The ground trembled slightly, and from the darkness of the tunnel, several ghostly figures emerged, their forms shimmering with an ethereal glow. They looked like twisted versions of bathroom fixtures, one had the head of a toilet, while another looked like a sink with ghostly hands emerging from the drain.
"Toilet ghosts!" Pete yelled with way too much enthusiasm. "Flushbusters, it's time to bust some spirits!"
"Seriously, they even look like toilets," Nixie said, trying to suppress her laughter.
"Let's just get this over with," Ursha grumbled, already swinging her axe toward one of the ghostly fixtures.
The Flushbusters sprang into action, pulling out their plunger-powered proton packs and aiming them at the spirits. Pete fired first, and the plunger shot out with surprising force, hitting the toilet-headed ghost square in the chest. Instead of being sucked in or trapped, however, the ghost let out an ear-splitting flush and exploded into a cloud of ectoplasmic water, drenching us all.
"I thought you guys were professionals!" I shouted, shaking off the ghostly sludge.
"It's all part of the process!" Pete yelled back, not at all bothered by the slime. "Sometimes you've got to get a little wet to bust a ghost!"
"Please never say that again," Nixie said, wiping ectoplasm from her face. "But seriously, I thought these things were supposed to be easy to trap?"
Dan, still typing frantically on his wrist device, finally spoke up. "The spectral signatures are all over the place! These ghosts are supercharged, probably because of Lady Lavatora's influence. It's going to take more than plungers to bring them down."
"Of course it is," I muttered, rolling forward as another ghost, this one with the body of a shower head and arms made of pipes, lunged at me. "When is it ever easy?"
I summoned my flush powers and fired a stream of magical water at the ghost. The water hit its mark, knocking the spirit back, but it quickly recovered, laughing as it zipped around the tunnel, spraying ghostly water everywhere.
Nixie grinned, her hands crackling with magic. "Leave it to me! Time for some magic!"
She flicked her fingers, sending a burst of magical energy toward the shower ghost. The ghost was hit mid-flight, exploding into a mist of ectoplasmic steam. Nixie fist-pumped the air triumphantly. "Boom! Ghost toast!"
"Nice work!" Pete shouted, dodging another ghostly toilet that tried to hit him with a spray of ectoplasm. "But we've still got a whole sewer full of these things! Keep it up!"
The battle continued as we made our way deeper into the tunnels. More toilet ghosts appeared from the shadows, each one more ridiculous than the last. There were haunted bidets that shot jets of ghostly water, possessed urinals that screeched like banshees, and even a spirit that looked like a giant toilet paper roll, spinning through the air and tangling up anyone in its path.
At one point, Brenda managed to trap one of the ghosts using a modified drain snake, whipping it around like a lasso and pulling the ghost toward her proton pack. She slammed a plunger onto the ghost's head, and with a loud whoosh, it was sucked into her trap.
"One down," she said coolly, wiping ectoplasm from her hands. "A few dozen more to go."
Despite the chaos, we were holding our own. The Flushbusters might have been eccentric, but they knew their stuff. Slowly but surely, we pushed forward, busting ghosts left and right, until finally, we reached a large, circular chamber at the heart of the sewer system.
"This is it," Pete said, his voice suddenly serious. "We're getting close to Lady Lavatora. I can feel it."
The chamber was massive, with pipes running along the walls and water trickling from the ceiling. In the center of the room was a large, ornate toilet throne, glowing with an eerie, spectral light. Surrounding the throne were more ghosts, dozens of them, all bowing as if in reverence.
And there, sitting on the throne, was the most powerful spirit I had ever seen.
"Behold!" Pete declared, his eyes wide with awe. "Lady Lavatora, Queen of the Toilet Spirits!"
Lavatora was a towering figure, her body made of swirling ectoplasm and water, her long, flowing gown made of ghostly mist. Her eyes glowed a bright, unnatural blue, and her voice echoed through the chamber like the flush of a thousand toilets.
"Foolish mortals," she said, her voice dripping with arrogance. "You dare enter my domain? You dare challenge the Queen of the Flush?"
I could feel the hairs on my non-existent neck standing on end. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought.