As soon as the brute dropped me, and my porcelain appendage flashed with magical energy, the room seemed to collectively hold its breath. Then, just like that, chaos erupted. Adventurers who had been watching the "lecture" on dragon-drinking contests and shirtless fighting turned to look at the commotion. Some were intrigued by the magical glow, while others were simply looking for an excuse to start a fight.
The brute, now red in the face with anger and embarrassment, glared at me as he cracked his knuckles. "You think you can flash your little toilet tricks at me and get away with it? No one disrespects me in front of my boys!"
I tried to roll back, but before I could say anything, another adventurer threw the first punch, a wild, sloppy swing that, unsurprisingly, missed me entirely and hit one of the other adventurers in the face. That was all it took for the entire guild hall to erupt into an all-out brawl.
"Oh, come on!" I shouted, trying to dodge the fists, chairs, and tankards that were now flying in every direction.
Nixie and Ursha, who had been watching from the back of the room, finally noticed the chaos and quickly jumped into action. Nixie, her face a mix of exasperation and amusement, darted through the crowd toward me.
"Jake, what did you do this time?" she yelled as she dodged a flying chair.
"Nothing!" I protested. "I just tried to leave, and this meathead decided to start something!"
Ursha, already swinging her axe to clear a path through the brawling adventurers, joined us with an annoyed look on her face. "Of course, it turns into a fight. Why am I not surprised?"
"This wasn't my fault!" I shouted as I rolled out of the way of another flying punch.
Before I knew it, I was caught in the middle of the brawl, adventurers clashing all around me. I tried to keep my distance, but the crowd was closing in fast. More and more adventurers joined the fight, each one swinging wildly at anyone within reach, and soon enough, I was dodging fists, swords, and the occasional mug of ale being thrown in my direction.
"We need to get out of here!" I called to Nixie and Ursha, who were both fending off their own attackers.
Nixie, ever quick on her feet, flicked her fingers and summoned a burst of magic. With a smirk, she transformed one adventurer's sword into a giant sausage. The confused warrior blinked down at his now-useless weapon, before being promptly knocked out by one of his own companions.
"Nice one!" I shouted, still trying to maneuver out of the chaos.
Ursha, meanwhile, was doing what she did best, smashing her way through the brawl with brute strength. Her axe swung in wide arcs, sending adventurers flying as they tried (and failed) to get the upper hand on her. "If anyone else wants a taste of this axe, step up!" she growled, and the few adventurers within earshot wisely backed away.
Despite their best efforts, the fight was getting out of control. The entire guild hall was now a battlefield, with tables overturned and adventurers wrestling each other to the ground. More than a few were knocked unconscious by flying tankards or wayward punches, and it was clear that this wasn't going to end anytime soon.
Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I felt another surge of magical energy building up inside me. The brawl, the chaos, the sheer absurdity of it all, it was pushing me to my limit. My porcelain penis began to glow brighter, and I knew that I was about to release another flush of magical power.
"Oh no… not again," I muttered, feeling the pressure build.
Before I could stop it, I unleashed a powerful flush that sent several adventurers flying across the room. The magical water surged through the hall, knocking over tables and washing away the brawlers in its path.
"Whoa!" Nixie shouted, narrowly avoiding the torrent of water. **"Jake, a little warning next time!"
"Sorry!" I called back, watching as the adventurers scrambled to avoid the magical flood.
The force of the flush sent the brute who had started the fight crashing into the far wall, knocking him out cold. Several other adventurers were caught in the wave, swept away by the sheer power of the flush.
For a moment, there was silence. The brawlers, bruised and soaked, began to pick themselves up, looking around in confusion. Some of them were still groggy from the fight, while others were clearly rethinking their life choices.
"Is it over?" I asked, cautiously rolling forward.
As the last of the adventurers staggered to their feet, the guild hall began to calm down. The tables were overturned, chairs were broken, and puddles of water (both magical and non-magical) covered the floor. It was a mess, but at least the fight was over.
Nixie, her hair still slightly wet from the magical flush, shook her head and gave me a look. **"Well, that was one way to clear a room."
Ursha wiped her axe on the sleeve of one of the unconscious adventurers and grunted. **"Next time, let's just leave before the idiots start a fight."
I sighed, my porcelain frame still glowing faintly from the magical release. **"You think they'll let us back in here after this?"
Nixie snorted. **"Not a chance."
As we made our way out of the guild hall, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of accomplishment. Sure, we'd just survived a massive brawl, but at least we came out of it in one piece.
As we walked out of the now-ruined guild hall, the sounds of groaning adventurers and the clatter of broken chairs faded behind us. The cool evening air was a welcome relief after the chaos inside. Nixie and Ursha, both looking surprisingly refreshed after the fight, exchanged glances.
"Well, that was something," Nixie said, running a hand through her damp hair. **"I don't think we'll be getting invited to any more adventurer conferences anytime soon."
"Good," Ursha muttered, slinging her axe over her shoulder. **"That was a waste of time anyway. Bare-chested fighting? Dragon drinking contests? Give me a break."
I sighed, feeling the weight of the day settling in. **"I just wanted to leave. Why do these things always turn into a fight?"
Nixie laughed and nudged me with her elbow. **"Jake, you've got to admit, you've got a talent for attracting trouble. Whether it's horny ghosts or muscle-brained adventurers, you're like a magnet for chaos."
I rolled along beside them, my porcelain frame still pulsing faintly with residual magic from the brawl. **"Yeah, well, I'd like to attract a little less trouble and a little more peace and quiet for once."
"Good luck with that," Ursha said with a smirk. **"You've got a succubus on your tail who wants to marry you, remember? I'm betting she's not done with you yet."
The mention of the succubus sent a shiver down my porcelain tank. I still couldn't believe what had just happened, she'd drained me of my magical sperm and then discovered I had an infinite supply. Now, she was obsessed with me. The idea of her showing up again sent a wave of discomfort through me.
"Let's not talk about that," I muttered, trying to shake the image from my mind. **"I'd rather forget the whole thing."
Just as I said that, the unmistakable scent of sulfur filled the air, and I froze.
"Oh no," I whispered. **"Not again."
Sure enough, the air shimmered, and with a burst of smoke, the succubus appeared in front of us, her eyes gleaming with determination. She was dressed even more seductively than before, this time in a revealing black dress with thigh-high stockings, her long hair cascading over her shoulders.
"Jake," she said, her voice dripping with desire. **"I told you… I'll never love another. You are mine."
Nixie groaned audibly. **"For the love of, how does she keep finding us?"
Ursha stepped forward, her hand gripping her axe. **"Back off, succubus. He's not interested."
The succubus smiled, completely ignoring Ursha's warning. "You can't keep me from him," she purred. "We belong together. He gave me his power, and now… I want all of him."
Before anyone could react, she stepped closer to me, her hands once again caressing my porcelain surface. I could feel the familiar surge of magical energy building inside me, and despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop it.
"Oh no," I groaned. **"Not again…"
Nixie, clearly done with the situation, raised her hands and shot a burst of magic at the succubus, sending her stumbling back. **"You've got to stop doing that, lady. He's not into you!"
The succubus, her eyes narrowing in frustration, glanced between me and Nixie. "You're the one keeping us apart," she hissed. **"If it weren't for you, he'd be mine by now."
Ursha stepped forward, her axe gleaming in the moonlight. "Enough," she growled. **"Leave now, or you're going to regret it."
The succubus glared at her, but after a tense moment, she relented. With a dramatic sigh, she stepped back and flicked her hair over her shoulder. **"Fine. I'll go… for now. But remember, Jake… I will return. And when I do, you'll be mine."
With one last sultry wink, she vanished in another puff of smoke, leaving us in the quiet street.
The silence that followed was almost deafening. I let out a long sigh of relief, my porcelain frame finally settling after the surge of magical energy.
"She's not going to stop, is she?" I muttered, feeling exhausted by the entire ordeal.
Nixie patted me on the lid, grinning. **"Probably not. But don't worry, we've got your back. No succubus is going to get between us."
Ursha nodded, still gripping her axe tightly. **"Next time, I won't give her a chance to escape."
I managed a weak chuckle, despite the absurdity of my life. **"You two are the best. What would I do without you?"
"Probably be married to a succubus by now," Nixie quipped, winking at me.
We walked back toward the inn, the chaos of the day finally behind us. As we entered the quiet building and headed toward our rooms, I couldn't help but think about everything that had happened, the brawl, the terrible advice at the conference, and of course, the persistent succubus who wouldn't leave me alone.
Just as I was about to settle in for the night, Nixie turned to me, a mischievous grin on her face.
"So, Jake," she said, her voice dripping with amusement. **"Do you think you'll ever get that succubus off your back, or are we stuck fighting her forever?"
I groaned, sinking lower into my spot. **"Let's just get through tonight without another surprise visit, okay?"
Ursha smirked, shaking her head. **"With your luck, Jake? I wouldn't count on it."