At this point, don't even ask why I'm up at 2 AM. You already know—creative people, we got that crack head energy. We be up all hours of the night, thinking, plotting, dreaming, and sometimes creating.
Tonight, though, I'm back home in New York for a few days because, well, I can. My mom's asleep, and I'm lying in bed, wide awake. I've got "Castle & Castle" on Netflix, thanks to Cindy for putting me on to that one. That show's got me hooked. But in the middle of an episode, I pause it, stare at the blank walls of my room, and then do what anyone else would do—start scrolling Instagram.
Somewhere between liking photos and mindlessly scrolling, my phone slips out of my hand, and that's when it hits me. This deep thought just comes crashing in, uninvited. One of the hardest truths I've had to face this year is realizing I meant nothing to people who once meant the fuckin' world to me. And honestly, that shit hurts harder than the cramp in my hand from writing all this shit down. It's like a punch to the gut, but there's no getting around it.
But then, in that moment, I also realize something else: as my circle got smaller, I started evolving. Like, really evolving into a new version of myself. God's been cutting people off, but not just to leave me alone—He's kept the ones who truly matter. The ones who support me, the ones who motivate me, the ones who show up for me even when I piss them off and they piss me off right back.
Maybe, just maybe, my circle had to get smaller so it could grow again, but this time with people who will help me elevate. People I can grow with. That thought... it's what gets me through the night.
So, I start thinking about my friends. Cindy, she's the one I talk to damn near every day. If we're not on the phone, we're texting, but it's one of those things where I know I can hit her up 24/7, and she can do the same with me.
One thing about Cindy? She doesn't just see things from my side—she sees shit from all sides. I definitely admire that about her. I've been slowly trying to take a page out of her book to better myself... but only a couple of pages, let's be real. She's a homebody, and as we all fuckin' know, I can't stay in one place too long. We're total opposites like that. But I say all this because I've thrown some of my crazy-ass ideas at her, especially these 2 AM thoughts. And no matter how out there I get, she'll still try and steer me in the right direction—even if I don't always listen.
So, this one night, I hit her up with a wild idea: "What if I just disappeared for like a month? Nobody would know where I was—just me, the car, hotel-hopping, maybe Airbnbs." At that point, I was starting to feel like nobody gave a fuck about me, and I just wanted to reset.
She was half-asleep, but even then, she reassured me. Told me there are people out there who love me, even if they don't always show it—or maybe they just have a shitty way of showing it. She's good like that, always coming through with the realness, even at 2 AM. But yeah, I did wake her up, so I told her I'd talk to her later about all the stuff running through my head.
I tried to go back to watching "Castle & Castle", but I couldn't focus anymore. Ended up closing my laptop, calling it a night. Funny thing, the TV in my room decided to stop working, too, so I didn't even have that white noise to fall asleep to. Just me, my thoughts, and the quiet.
As I'm trying to fall asleep, my phone starts buzzing. It's now 2:45 AM. Great. I didn't wanna talk to anyone, honestly—just wanted to sit in my thoughts and finally crash. But I saw it was Daniel, one of my old friends from high school, so I picked up. Dude didn't even say hi, just started ranting about his problems.
Alright, pause. Let me introduce these fuckheads. These are my high school friends, the ones I'm still connected with, despite moving away first out of the group.
First, there's Daniel. He's the oldest of us but acts like a fuckin' man-child half the time. Recently, in the summer of 2023, he decided to move to Philly. That move? A fuckin' movie on its own.
Then you have Ronnell. Me and him go way back—he's the one I've known the longest. We met at this piece of shit school called Pathways in Technology Early College High School, or P-Tech NYC. The school itself was garbage, but it had some perks, like this program called Pre-Bridge. It was an after-school thing for 8th graders to prep for high school and get ready for the Regents exams. That's where we met, and since then, we've been inseparable. Ronnell is like a brother to me—though not as much as Nathan—but still, he's always there when I need him.
Next up is Charles. Now, I can't stand Charles for the fuckin' life of me, but I tolerate him because of the guys. He's one of those people you deal with just because they're part of the crew.
Then there's Brandon. Brandon's a nerd, but I gotta admit, he's a decent friend. The kind of guy who'll know random facts about everything, but he's good to have around.
Jessica—she was my best friend in high school, but we've kinda drifted apart since then. Still, she knows she can hit me up anytime if she needs anything. Then there's Jade... fuckin' Jade. She and Charles? They could have their own book or movie with all the drama between them. They were never a couple, but God, they're both a handful.
So yeah, that's the high school crew, the ones I still stay in touch with. I guess it's hard to completely disconnect from the people who were around during those formative years. But man, sometimes I wonder why I even pick up these late-night calls.
So, Daniel calls me at 2:45 AM, ranting about some chick at his job who's apparently pissing him off. Honestly, me and Ronnell both think they like each other but are too scared to admit it. They hang out all the time and do couple shit. Either she's your best friend or your girlfriend, bro—pick one. But, of course, Daniel's in denial. Swears up and down it's neither, and I'm just sitting here like, "Bro, just admit it."
I tried telling him, "Look, I'm tired, and I'm not really in the mood to be your unpaid therapist right now." Did that stop him? Nope. He kept going, so at this point, I'm just like, fuck it. I sit up, grab my laptop, and start editing some photos while listening to his bullshit. Might as well get something productive done.
An hour passes, and he finally finishes his rant. I give him my advice, which was probably just some generic shit because I'm honestly half out of it by now. I close my laptop, tuck myself in, and try to fall asleep.
He's still on the phone, talking about how he's gotta work at 11 AM. Bruh, if you've got work in a few hours, why the hell are we doing this? Anyway, I start dozing off, and next thing I know, he's saying, "Right man, I got work at 11. I need some sleep."
I jumped up so fast, hung up on him before he could keep talking. He called back, but nah, I didn't pick up this time. I was done.
At this point, I'm just fucking over everything. Literally. And then this thought pops into my head: "You grow through what you go through." Honestly, it's totally fucking true. Like, P-Tech was a shit show of a school. I went through hell there. Mr. Davis, the principal, had this delightful gem of a prediction: that my business would never succeed, and I'd end up flipping burgers or dropping fries at McDonald's. All because I got held back in 12th grade over one fucking regents exam. And let's be real, I'm not the best test-taker, but that deserves its own episode.
As I'm sitting there, mulling over all this, I realize that every figurative battle scar we collect makes us stronger. It's something I've had to come to terms with, no matter how much I hated it.
So, I didn't get the 4 AM wake-up call I was expecting. Instead, my body decided it needed to pee just as I was finally getting comfortable. So now it's 4:20 in the morning. I just fall asleep, and now I'm up again, lost in thought.
I'm standing in the bathroom, making some homemade lemonade, and just staring at the hair products on the shelf over the toilet. My mom has this hairspray called "Wow Color" and another one called "Shine n' Jam," both sitting right next to each other. Not sure if it's my mom or some cosmic sign from God, but it feels like a message: make people say "wow" when they look at you and shine while you're at it.