I have always been an introspective person...
I am pretty quiet despite what I may give off through these rambling monologues of mine lol.
I think a lot, and I talk very little.
I have always been both an open book and a sealed tomb all at once.
Weird, I know.
Me posting these old journals of mine online is proof enough of that though, yeah? lol.
I suppose I only let slip what I want when I want, to whom I want, and in that way, I can maintain my enigmatic status...
I am a huge believer in the whole "knowledge is power." thing, and I refuse to give some people more power over me than they or I have need of.
To be vulnerable is tough, you know?
But alas, here we are lol.
Well, here I am.
You all are just watching me wall around naked.
So to speak.
Enjoy?
-----
January 26th. 1012.
Journal #016.
-----
So I had an epiphany today.
I (for some reason) keep "realizing" how old I am, and it's driving me crazy!!
People fail to realize that I can do a lot.
I can and I will stand on my own two feet!
I'm going to finish school, I'm going to get my own place, and I'm going to show the world that I can be better.
I will be better this year and every year to come, I'm going to be and do better!
I really look up to many of my friends.
Like *XXXXX.
He is strong, he has a good job, a kid, a nice place.
Of course, It's not all about the material things, but they are a show of ability of accomplishment.
A show that I don't have.
Mayhap it's because I was kicked out of the nest early?
I don't know, but I'll do with what I have, what I can.
And what will be, will be.
-----
It -in fact- was not an epiphany lol
I just kept thinking about it because I have terrible existential anxiety lbvs.
It persists till this day, you know?
It is honestly something about me that I have never told anyone outside of one person, but now all of YOU know as well, so there's that lbvs...
This is strangely therapeutic for me, this whole journey with all...I don't know...Maybe 1000 of you? I wouldn't dare imagine that I have more Readers than that!
I am glad that you all have hung around this long.
I think I said it before, but thank you.
Young me would have really appreciated it.
I struggled with my confidence and self-esteem for some time between 15 and 25 years of age.
A lot of ups and downs.
A lot of things that made me feel as if I wasn't enough.
I didn't have the best examples and role models coming up, so I had to learn everything on my own, and most of it the hard way.
Foster care sucked major monkey dick back in 2002...
Anyway!
That new *XXXXX was an old best friend of mine...
One that I had so much love for that it hurts me to this day to think of how we don't talk anymore.
To keep it short. he was not a bad guy, just had a few bad habits.
For which I never judged him.
Ever.
Until he turned those bad habits towards me...
Another story for another time.
See you soon folks.
-Redd.