This span of my life was full of drama and turbulence.
I was in pre-med school and feeling like I did not belong at all...
I had a kid on the way that I wanted but was terrified of having with the person I was having it with...
My best friend had deployed overseas to Iran (or Iraq, I honestly can't recall which.) so I was his emotional support and I didn't dare bother him with my crap...
My living situation was becoming shittier by the week and the love triangle with it was becoming so intense for me emotionally that I knew that it was about time for me to make my own way.
Looking back now, I was a mess...
Some things are self-imposed.
Others?
Man...
Enjoy.
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January 11th, 2012.
Journal #010.
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This lifestyle is starting to get annoying as shit.
All of it.
I just want to work and save so I can get my own fucking place...it's annoying...
XXXXX and all of her constant drama...
XXXXX and his stupid love shit...
XXXXX and her opinion...
And now, XXXXX...15 years is a VERY long time...
Why are people so stupid?
I -am- so irritated that I can hardly write...
I need to get my own shit together...this is supposed to be a good year, and I'm tired of dealing with everyone's shit already...
I just hope I can get more hours so I can leave this damned school.
I do want to finish, but I feel so out of place there.
So like I just don't belong...
Do please, send me a sign of some sort...
And answer, what should I do?
I guess only time will tell...
I'll make the best out of what I get.
Don't I always?
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I burned several of my older journals that year 2012- and unfortunately that included the one that came before this one.
I had a really bad habit of not wanting or caring to look back at the past...a log of it just hurt too much, you know?
I had a habit of writing on the worst possible days of my life...the worst of the worst.
The days when I needed someone to talk to the most but I just couldn't or there was simply no one that I felt that I could trust with whatever it was.
How I wish I hadn't burned them now.
To be able to look back and see all of those things again, to relive the moments...
But hey, everything happens for a reason, yeah?
The first XXXXX about was the young lady who was pregnant with my child at the time.
She was so dramatic and emotional and everything...Lort have merbies.
I didn't have it in me to deal with it. I knew she was pregnant and that this fact played a big role in her daily state of mind, but she had been that way before the pregnancy, so now it just seemed to be overly exaggerated lol.
I was also 22...
And I had a strange feeling that that kid wasn't mine at the time, with more than enough reason mind you.
The second XXXXX was my then-best friend. He had a habit of romancing more than one lady at a time, then fumbling the juggling process.
I was always the more "monotonous" one between the two of us lbvs.
I may have had sex 1000 times, but it was with 10 people.
He may have had sex 1000 times, but it was with 100 people.
This isn't to judge him or anything, I was just more inclined to relationships whereas he didn't mind a quicker, more salacious encounter, where I was looking for love and some deeper connection.
Our third XXXXX was my old crush and the person who I was renting a room from at the time.
I had fallen on hard times, and ironically I had moved out of a shared place that I had with the young lady who was carrying my child, only to have her move into where I was staying once I found out that she was pregnant...
What a shit show.
Those two being together did me absolutely no good.
I am sure that a good number of these entries are wrapped around that section of my existence.
I needed so badly to get out of that place...
And I would, but now how I thought I would.
Sheesh.
Lastly, the final XXXXX was one of my brothers.
Man...
I had thrown a house party and invited him over.
He showed up near the end and we sat and talked for a while.
He wasn't doing too well financially and had decided to get a job and straighten up his life since he had a new child on the way.
I was proud of him.
He then told me that he would "Do one more quick lick." and then he would be done for good.
...
...
...
We have all seen the movies, yeah?
So you know how this worked out?
He got caught up with robbery charges and the like and was arrested the very next day...
He was gone for nearly a decade.
Choices folks...
They can and will change so much, and so so quickly.
His new daughter didn't know him when he got out, and his other children were significantly older and had very little recollection of who he was.
On another note!
I never fully felt at place in that school...
For many reasons.
One young lady had the nerve to tell me that I irritated her because I sounded "white" since I speak proper English lol...
Yeah, it was that sort of place.
But I digress.
I have come to the conclusion that I am the problem, not the world.
The world is normal.
Society is normal just the way it is.
I am but another anomaly.
I am the weird, strange, abnormal one.
And I embrace it.
I did end up getting the answer that I asked for as well.
Keep reading lol.
See you soon folks.
-Redd.