Chereads / Old Journals of a Millennial. Volume 2. / Chapter 12 - Chapter 11. "For my kid."

Chapter 12 - Chapter 11. "For my kid."

Man, to know that you have a kid on the way changes you.

Well...CAN change you.

I've seen both. 

People who became parents and shifted gears for the better, and the polar opposite of that.

Life is strange.

I did start to change in many subtle ways when I found out that XXXXX was pregnant.

I stopped flirting and seeking attention from other women, even though I wasn't with her. 

I started seeking better, more lucrative employment.

I studied harder in my classes, seeking to better my mind and thus my future. 

And thus my child's future.

It was tumultuous.

It was traumatic.

It was terrifying.

I didn't have my father while I was growing up, you know?

And the stepdad that I did have was not the greatest example for me, as he was as white as powdered sugar, while I was (and still am) quite chocolaty in hue myself lol.

His love was rather...conditional. 

He loved my mother,

She loved us,

Thus he had to love us.

That's how It worked around our house.

Back then I wasn't as emotionally mature yet, and not having my real father around made me perceive my stepdad differently. 

Well...he also treated those of us around the house who weren't half-white quite differently.

In short, I had no real conception of how to be a father when my time came because I was never really given a decent enough example.

I had no idea what to do or expect.

I was not one for being unprepared.

I am just thinking out loud now lol

I'll leave you to what you really came for!

Enjoy.

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January 15th, 2012.

Journal #011.

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I think her emotions are out of whack more than usual due to her being pregnant...I don't know.

I played an amazing several rounds of Halo today. I was invited to an elite group by a chick named XxxxxXxxXxxx lol 

She and her friends were/are awesome.

It was very worth the time.

I can't wait to play with them again. I know I will eventually. 

My only worry is that XXXXX will flip out again...

I really don't see what I'm doing wrong...

She says I don't give her enough attention, but I've given up so much for her and this child that I hope is mine...

But she will never see that...I will always be wrong and lying in her eyes...that's why I feel like we won't work out...

I'll do what I can for my kid but she...

She has her "blackout" family on 16th.

I'm not needed. 

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I couldn't stand that she would go hang out with those people who called themselves the "Black-out Family." 

They did nothing all day but game and smoke and drink and party.

None of those things are inherently negative things, you know?

But she was very pregnant...and they couldn't have cared less.

They weren't the best environment for a woman who is with child is all, I wouldn't venture to judge them as people.

Who am I to do so?

I did feel unneeded in her life at that point, and the crazier part is, I had a sick and sinking feeling that something more was wrong about her being around them...

But hey, more journal entries, more answers.

I think?

I may have burned some of those parts...lbvs.

See you soon folks. 

-Redd.