"So here's the plan.."
-6am, the next morning.
"Wake up ifan!" He's getting us late.
"I'm ready" Ayat walks in, she has her scarf on her head, she's wearing tiny jhumkas, with a long skirt and a full sleeved white top, that has a circle neck.
"Did you get an inch taller?" I tease her, she rolls her deep brown almond shaped eyes, deep enough to forget the world and beyond. "You're so funny Sam" she fake laughs and stands besides me."wake up." She shakes Ifan. "We need to leave now!" She says softly, I come in between. "Wait let me handle" I grab a water bottle that was on his side-table and splash water on him. He flinches.
"I'm awoke." Problem solved. Rule one when you're trying to escape, kick the heavy sleepers.
We slowly turn the handle of our hallway door, wincing as the old floor creaked beneath our feet. As we sneak further crossing half way through the hall, our- their uncle, he's laying on the sofa, half on it and half slipping off the floor drunkenly.
We pause to listen any sign of movement, the house is quiet, except for the distant hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. We move forward keeping our footsteps steady and careful until Ayat trips over and to balance her legs again she places her hand on to the bookshelf but her hand slips making the little snow globe fall down shattering into pieces. All three of us gasp under our breaths. We froze, holding our breaths in, as the sound echoed, my heart raced with fear.
Uncle switches his side.
He's gonna wake up! He mumbles in his sleep and falls asleep again. We sigh in relief, somehow we make it through the main door.
I thought once we leave the house, my heart would stop racing so fast, turns out it got filled with even more anxiety.
We take a taxi to the train station. For some reason the taxi takes a lot longer than it normally should, my leg is panickly shaking, Ifan puts his hand on my thigh to calm me down "Cut him some slack he's an old man." He whispers.
After what felt like a four hour drive we arrive at the train station, I buy tickets while Ifan bought some snacks Ayat requested for.
I show them our tickets.
We get on the train, people are rushing through us, Ifan and I, cup Ayat in between us so that she doesn't get hit.
Finally we get to sit down. We take our seats, the train blocks are small, Congested, and the roof feels like it'll fall down on us. Ayat opens the window as soon as she sits. "How many hours till we reach?"
"Ayat, we've just sat" Ifan laughs.
"Still, I should know right, I can revise."
"Maxium 2 hours" I tell her.
"Good!" She unzips her bag and takes out her books. Ifan takes out a gum out of his pocket.
"Nah you better not, you chew so loud." Ayat snatches gum out of Ifan's hand.
"But I get car sick" Ifan fawns.
"I can bring chai before the train starts moving" I offer.
"No its okay" Ifan flayar's his hand.
"What happened to your feet" I see His ankle is getting a little purplish, When he sat comfortably. He's wearing a khaki sets of pants with a black T-shirt under a green button up shirt. I Noticed he had a hard time walking up the train, So I assumed something had happened to his feet.
"Nothing to worry about." Ifan moves his leg back. "You're having a rough time walking" I say because he'll never admit.
"Maybe because I'm tried, let's not make a big deal about it, I just feel a bit sick, I'll be fine after a little nap, wake me till." he tilts his head back and rests his eyes. I look over at Ayat. "He probably didn't got enough sleep" Ayat whispers to me.
"Yeah right, so grumpy, he acts like a fourty year old." I say to what Ayat giggles, I never knew she scrunches up her nose when she smiles.
It's kinda cute.
"I can still hear you guys" Ifan mumbles in his sleep, we both laugh out loud.
Minutes after Minutes, mountains after one and another. Ayat for sometime reads then she starts looking outside through the window, her gaze stays on trees and clouds. mine at her. It's clear how she feels, how its terrifying and so much more, to leave behind everything what once was ours, having to build something from the very beginning takes courage. I feel like she has it, more than Ifan and I could ever have. Her tolerance, Her aims. She manages it all, sometimes even us. She laughs when she's nervous and cries over nothing, one time she cried because she felt like she raised her voice at Ifan, she did but it wasn't that huge of a deal. I wish we could provide her all the things a kid deserves, she had to grow up way too early.
Her arms has burises from when her Aunt Abused her when she was a burden to handle. Burises that she covers with long sleeves. I wish I could erase them from ever existing.
I want her to know that her scars are beautiful and that the world will be awfully harsh about it.
"Can I tell you something." I say politely.
"Me?"
"Yeah." I know we don't talk much, And I know I can't say this out loud, to her face. It'll be Brutal of me to remind her that I know what she's been through. it's a sensitive discussion to have, that most children can't cope with. I don't want her to see me as someone who pities her, even though I would never make her feel like that, but telling someone about your deepest wounds can create a misguided space between them, I know for a fact that nothing could ever make me look at her differently, but I'm not too sure about her. What she thinks. I can never know for sure. Only the person who goes through it, can be sure.
All this time she has hidden them from us for a reason. I don't want to take that away from her. I'll try to word my intentions correctly.
"You know, some people will be insensitive to things what might be a deep deal for us to handle." I say, I try being as soft as petal and lethal.
"Why are you telling me this?" She asks.
Because I want her to know that she has been through way worse to care about what other may think or say.
"What I'm saying is- that we can't let anyone else decide whether we should be comfortable in our body or not."
"Our worst enemy could be ourselves you know." Her voice seems like a punch in the gut. I know some say scars are meant to remember all the bad things that has ever happend to us, But I don't believe that bullshit.
Scars in reality are a sign of how strong we've become and how far we've come.
"Scars aren't the end to a story." I say.
"I know." She says "don't worry dad" she mocks me. I laugh.
Something about her tells me, she'll be alright.
That's the thing about scars, they heal through time and so can we, we deserve to. as far as I know, they're beautiful because she's beautiful.
She smiles and I smile back at her. We hear Snoring coming from Ifan, we both laugh but this time holding our laugher.
After two hours that felt like a lot longer because the tension kept building up in the room, it's now or never, and the thought of needing to be at Faisal's next Friday hits me straight in the head like a brick.
We took a bus after our stop at the train station. "Woah" Ayat gasps. "I know right" Ifan winks. "You're going to be living here." Ayat hides her shy cheeks. "So where do we begin" Ifan puts his hand on his waist.
"First we get Ayat to her examination hall" I say.
"Ooo fancy Ayat" Ifan teases her. It might be something common for many people but it's a big deal for us. With my research and with the help of some strangers we make it to the business University.
"What If we get caught" Ayat stops at the main enternce. "We'll rather not If you don't keep on reminding them and us that we will." I say.
We register her, showed her ID card and all the Necessary things that are required,
I feel old. they let her in the examination hall and we stay outside. This is the most tensed we've ever been. "She's a smart girl she'll make it through" Ifan nods his head.
"I know, I'm sure she will" I'm not sure, I lied, I feel like we're gonna have to get her somewhere else, but where. "You don't have to lie." Ifan frowns his eyebrows.
"how do you always- I wasn't" I clear my throat.
"Yeah yeah sure"
While in the meantime we had snacks from the tuck shop, many lecturers gave us a concerning look. We're here with all the Dads and Moms, Uncles and Aunt, cousins and whatever there is to a family. We even threw cheese balls onto each other and tried to catch it with our mouths, parents typically thought we were uneducated, which we are no doubt but what's there to do when you have to wait for so long, it isn't that long to be very honest but I just like to brag things and make them a big deal when they aren't, and when something is to worry about I just don't make it seem like its that awful, I should probably stop yapping.
After a hour and a half of waiting, girls are Bustling outside, with each girl crosses by we're tend to find Ayat in between them. I'm not sure if even Ayat do get into this university, can she adjust in these girls. they're all like nighteen to twenty. Ayat's brain isn't even fully made, or maybe I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. "Where is she" Ifan stomps his feet. "Hold on, she'll be here" as we wait, a tall girl looks at me and winks. Is she flirting? Am I hot in the City life? Woah, I fix my shirt.
"There she is" Ifan yells to which I flinch.
"Bro you're so loud."
"I don't care, Ayat we're here!" Yells even louder, Ayat shows up with a pouty face and stressed. "How did it go?" I ask, she looks up at me and ignores my question as she tells Ifan how it went, what did I do? Funny thing it might seem weird when I tell you about this because I've never said anything about it before but I used to climb up to her room when I was twelve or thirteen, that fade away quick when I first got beaten up for it. My first time getting busted and I never spoke to her again, not because I was scared of getting thrown out, I would move mountains for her, I did it so that she wouldn't get thrown out. The trauma wasn't my wounds, it was hers. It was better that she wouldn't bleed because of me, I wouldn't be able to live with that. With me being responsible for her scars. I don't know if she understands that or no, but I did it for her. And plus when she gets hurt, Ifan gets hurt and when Ifan gets hurt I get hurt, it's a full on train chain we've got going on here.
"It went awful" she says to Ifan.
"Uh- it's okay, you did your best."
"I'm just messing! it went great" I knew it, classic prankster Ayat. They both hug it out.
"When will the results be posted?" Ayat asks.
"I don't know, Sam does" Ifan points at me
"Yeah, it'll be posted in about 30 hours."
I say calmly. "What?" They're both in sync.
"What? don't look at me like that, it's not like I made the rules here." I justify myself before they start clinging on me.
"What are we going to do till then, we can't go back home" Ifan struggles carrying Ayat's bags. "We'll stay here" I smile.
"The whole night?" Ayat's tone gets even pitcher.
"What else." I throw my arms in the air. The look on both their faces is as if they're about to cry. "I'll book a room or something, fine?" I suggest.
"You think?" Ayat's sarcasm annoys me way more than it normally should, besides I'm the one whom she learnt it from.
"We're not letting you sleep sweetheart, it'll be only for the two of us, you'll be sleeping outside on the door met like a dog." I say back. "Why!?" She throws tantrums to her brother. "He's just messing with you" Ifan throws Ayat's bag on his back. "Let's move" He leaves us behind, I stick my tongue out to provoke her even more. She puts her hands on her ears and wiggles her fingers scrunching up her nose.
"You have a huge nose" I say.
"Your eyes are in the wrong direction" she argues back.
"You're 5 foot tall" I gesture her length.
"Are you guys coming or not?" Ifan calls us.
"Coming!" Ayat runs behind him.
We hang here and there on our feet for quite some while, the streets of city life are way too busy all the time, we walked almost everywhere when we started getting hungry.
"I'm starving" Ifan groans.
"There's a food fest happening right across the street, lets head there, the food's at reasonable price there." I say.
"How do you know there's a food fest?" Ayat walk across us. "I just know, I've been here before."
"When?" And suddenly she's a detective.
"I'm not telling you when" I mimic her, she fake gasps. "With your girlfriend?" Haha she thinks she's soo funny. "You're so annoying! leave me alone" I ignore her and move passed her, Ifan starts laughing at the both of us, Ayat jump runs and shows up infront of me again.
"You're not denying it though?"
"Ayat leave me alone" I playfully push her aside. I won't tell her even if it's true, it's weird, why would I share my past girlfriends with her.
"Ifan Tell me" she annoyingly insists ifan, I raise my eyebrow at him to not tell her anything. "He has never dated anyone" traitor!
"You traitor" I place my hand to my heart dramaticly, He just laughs, Ayat starts laughing like a horse.
"Bro what is wrong with you!?" She didn't respond to me, she's just laughing.
"Whatever. it isn't that deep" I roll my eyes.
"You're a loser" Ayat shoves her arm to me while laughing. "You've never even been near a boy" I say in my defence.
"That's because I wasn't allowed to, but you were." Her horse laugh brusts out again.
"Ifan please take her away from me She's so- awful"
He laughs.
We ate food, Ramen to be more specific, she tried it for the first time, and Ifan and I made fun of her for not being able to eat right, Ifan taught her and she learnt quick. She's always been the smart one.
"Aah there's cotton candy" Ayat runs to get it, I go following her. "buy me one, and when I start my own business, I'll pay you back." She smiles, a smile so warm that I can't even deny her what she wants. I take out my wallet only to see there's no money left, just a big note for our hotel room for tonight. "One please." I order, she's amazed by how they make cotton candy, while I find a way to take out the man's wallet who's standing next to us, I sweep my hand in his back pocket and make it fall down, then I simply get on my knee to pick it up, while I Get down I grab a 20 and a 50 cash. "Excuse me sir, you dropped this" I get up and hand over his wallet to him. "Thankyou boy." The man moves aside and I pay for Ayat's candy. I'm quite an expert at shop lifting and stealing. Been there, done that. I'm not ashamed, I'll do anything to see that warm, pretty smile again, either it's on her or Ifan.
Stop lying to yourself Sam.
As long as it doesn't fade, I'm okay with being the bad guy. My heart belongs to them.
Does it?
Even if that means being sinful. Though I've never been religious anyways. I believe we have to do what we can do to survive, selfishness is all what is left for people like us who grew up as slaves and shit. It's arduous- but I just don't care enough to think what others might say or do, if others get hurt or not, because I've been-
There it is.
They've been hurt enough to push their wants more. I don't only want them to need stuff, I want them to want stuff. If that makes sense.
"Wow I didn't thought you'd get me one." Ayat takes a bite out of her cotton candy.
"What did you expect idiot." I leaned in to take a bite out of her candy, we both felt an unexpected tension. "Ew don't do that." She frowns.
We ate, laughed, and went to a karaoke bar where Ifan even sang a song.
"He's so not good at singing" Ayat covers her ears, but that didn't stop Ifan, he kept on singing while everyone looked at each other wanting him to stop, it was hilarious.
"Look there's a photobooth" Ifan yells pointing at it, we're walking out of the bar.
"We should do it!" Ifan grabs my arm and pulls me. All three of us get inside and took many random pictures.
One where we all grin wide.
One where we make funny faces,
And one where we're fighting over who gets in the middle.
"Let's see how they turned out." Ayat says excitedly.
They're all so ugly. But we don't care, we laugh and move on.
And just like that our day went by and we're now here at our motel room.
Ayat's sleeping on the bed and Ifan and I are sharing the mattress.
"What if I don't get in." Ayat says. "Then we'll have to go back right?" Her voice is low.
"We won't. Don't worry." Ifan tells her.
"Then we'll get you to apply somewhere else." I reassure them.
"Goodnight" I say.
-The next morning.
Ayat is freaking out, she's stomping back and forth, without telling us what's bothering her.
"I'm going to fail!" She yells.
We reach the university just in time of result announcements, My heart is pounding.
I'm here, sitting in the admission office of the University.
He hands me her results.
My hands are shaking as I take them from him. He's smiling, which means-
"She's a eligible student and we hope to see her here."
Bingo!
I take care of all the enrolment fees and structure.
"Thankyou sir" I respectfully shake hands with him and leave.
But I'm not going to break the news to them that easily.
I come outside with a frown on my face.
"What happend?" Ifan's sweating. Its funny actually.
"She won't be-" I smack my lips. "Living in that shithole anymore!"
"Really!" Ifan hugs Ayat and I hug both of them, it's a group hug filled with spirit.
Everything happend so quickly, that it's overwhelming.
I get a text from chad and as soon as I open it up, I get literal chills down my spine.
"We should go now."
"What? That soon?" She's upset.
"We still need to take care of some other things."
"Wait here-" Ifan tells Ayat and pulls me to the side. "What's wrong?" He asks.
"Uncle is going insane, we need to hurry back before he can follow us." I say. Because If he does follows us, he'll find out where we're hiding Ayat, and our escape would be meaningless.
He nods agreeingly and walks to Ayat.
"After we settle you in your dorm room, we're leaving."
Ayat is mature enough to understand our hurry without us actually telling her why.
We settle her in.
We buy her some necessary things.
And we head back home.
"I feel awful leaving her behind." Ifan looks over at me. We're sitting side by side in the train. "It's for her best." I force a smile.
She'll be fine.
Even if we drift apart.
At least she'll be happy.
"We'll get fucked up once we reach home." I don't usually cuss. But it is true.
What a weird human nature we have, Calling a place home despite it never having us feel welcomed or the warmth of love.
We escape regions, humans, and perhaps situations as well.
But can we really break free from ourselves that were made to be Escaped?
Are we really meant to evade forever?
How long can we run?
We can End a lifetime of misery, but can we End what has been thrust apon us as sorcery?
We're Fucked.