I groaned for the tenth time that night. It was one of the slower days in town which meant I had nothing to distract me from my mind. So, it kept playing last night on repeat.
"For fuck sake Ramirez, what the hell is wrong with you?" Chief Tony Rolf asked.
"What?" I demanded defensively.
"All you've done today is sigh and stare off into space, every now and then you slap your cheeks. Either cut it out or tell us what's wrong," he demanded.
Juan, the other officer on duty, nodded his head and moved over to my desk with Chief Rolf. I stared at them and wondered if I should say anything.
"Well, I might have done something stupid or epic last night but I don't know which it is."
"What do you mean?" Juan asked.
"You mean, what you did could change something for better or worse but you have no idea which it could be?" Chief summarised.
I nodded and groaned once again.
"I'm guessing this involved someone else, someone you are close to?"
Again I nodded, this was getting complicated, even Juan looked confused.
"My advice is this, the only way you will know if what you did was a good or bad thing is if you talk to the other party."
I was afraid he'd suggest that. Of course, I knew he was right, I knew I needed to speak to Pax but I was afraid. Though I'd suggested it in the note I didn't want to see him angry at me.
Ever since I found him in that car I've wanted him. At first, it was just an attraction. Since I'd grown up here, I'd pretty much dated and fucked everyone available.
I'd known I was bi since high school, lusting after my fellow footballers in the locker room. Though back then, no one knew I liked guys too. That wouldn't have gone down well. When I went away to college, I had let that side out for a bit.
When I returned, and started my career as an officer, I chose not to hide it but I couldn't exactly flirt or fuck with my high school buddies. So when he arrived I was excited.
When I learned he was alone, I felt I had to visit him and give him someone to know. The more time I spent with him the more confused I was.
I had no idea if he was gay or bi like me, he never indicated it. So, I never acted on it, I didn't want to lose the great friendship we were forming.
'No one, at least not here. A couple of boyfriends in college but that's it. I use that bottle when I jerk myself to images of you fucking me senseless.'
I guess now I know why I never saw him with anyone else but what if he said that in the heat of the moment. After all, he was drunk, really drunk.
"You listening?" Chief asked with a smirk.
"Yeah, yeah, I heard you," I motioned, shooing them away.
---
"You are an idiot!" I chastised myself in the bathroom mirror for the millionth time within the past two weeks.
Despite what the Chief suggested every time I met or saw Pax my heart would freeze and I'd run off or make some excuse to leave. I knew I was being a dick but I couldn't help it.
"Blake! You there!"
Eli was shouting for me so I left my bathroom to find him sitting on my bed. He looked excited.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I won a photography exhibition and I have a show in Baltimore!" he practically screamed.
"Oh my god! That's amazing!" I laughed pulling him in a hug. "When is it?"
"In a few days! Can you come?" he smiled.
"What! Why are you just telling me now?" I laughed.
He looked sheepish, "It's been kind of a whirlwind. When I found out I had won they wanted more photos to exhibit so I've been doing that in preparation."
"Wait a minute," I smirked. "That's what you've been doing with Cam all this time. Taking pictures? What kind of show are you having?"
His blush told me everything I needed to know.
"Damn!" I chuckled. "Let me call my boss and see if I can get time off."
An hour later I was knocking on Eli's studio.
"Come in! … Oh hey, what's up? Did you get the time off? Can you come?" he asked eagerly.
"Yeah I can, Chief has sorted it. Who else is coming? Cam, I assume," I asked.
Eli nodded and blushed and I smirked inwardly. It looked like Cam didn't have to worry about anything, Eli was almost on the same page as him.
"Of course, Cam is coming, Pax as well. I would have liked Ma and Pa to come as well but …"
"But you're showing naked pictures of your boyfriend in all his glory, I assume, and don't think you could handle them seeing that."
Eli blushed but didn't correct me. I laughed as I left him but my laughter died the moment I was alone. Pax was coming, I guess I couldn't hide anymore.
---
Several days later I was crammed in a tin can flying to Baltimore sat next to Pax. I could tell he was pissed and hurt and I didn't blame him.
When we arrived at the hotel I was eager to not be alone with Pax.
"So Eli, you and me in a room, yeah?" I smiled.
"Hell no!" Eli laughed.
'What the hell?' I thought as I silently begged Eli to take the hint.
"Last time I shared a room, or even a bed with you I wanted to kick you in the nuts. You hog the bed," Eli laughed.
"I'll share with you Blake, let the love birds have their own room," Pax suggested in a clipped tone no one else noticed, but I did.
I knew I was blushing, I could feel the heat in my cheeks but I couldn't exactly argue. Though to be fair I never thought he would want to share with me. I should ask for my own room, right?
We headed to our room and the room turned cold the moment I shut the door. Pax sat on the bed and sighed heavily.
"In a minute I am going to go down and ask for my own room," he sounded so lost.
"You don't need to do that," I started. "I mean, I can get a new room if you want or we can share, I don't mind."
I was just thinking about getting my own room but hearing Pax suggest the same thing made my heart freeze.
"I don't think it's a good idea to share with you," he whispered.
Pax stood and went to move past me but I stopped him. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and pulled him flush against me.
"I'm sorry Pax, I'm so sorry! I messed up."
I could feel him shaking but I didn't let go.
"Please Blake …"
I didn't know what he was asking for but I would give him anything.
"I need to get over you!" he whispered.
'Wait, what? Get over me?' I thought before turning him around.
Pax's eyes were watery and he looked so broken. I guided him to the bed and sat him down.
"What do you mean by getting over me?" I urged.
At first, I thought he wasn't going to say anything. I wondered if I should tell him what I felt. I was about to say something but then he turned to me, a determined look in his eyes.
"I've been in love with you for years, almost since we first met. No one has ever taken care of me the way you did, not since my mum passed away. You know everything about me and never judged me, never blamed me like others did."
My heartache for him. It had taken a few months before he opened up about his family, about his dad.
"Anyway, you've only ever seen me as a friend. I've tried hinting, being obvious but I guess you weren't interested in me like that. Then that night, I'd become frustrated so I got drunk and took it out on you."
I took his hand and squeezed it urging him to continue.
"I wanted you to see me, to be with me, but you never did. When I woke up I felt so guilty, I'd made you have sex with a man. I forced you, yet you still cooked me breakfast and got me painkillers."
"I figured that we would talk later, I would apologise and everything would go back to normal with us. I figured it would be what I needed to finally get over you but …"
"But I avoided you," I finished for him and he nodded.
"Yeah, you did but I think I avoided you too. These past two weeks made it obvious you regretted that night. So, for us to be friends again I need to get over you, but to do that I need to spend some time away from you."
Pax made to stand but I stopped him, gripped his hand and cupped his cheek.
"What if that's not what I want," I told him.
His wide eyes searched mine as I smiled.
"I've been in love with you just as long as you've been in love with me, it seems," I chuckled.
His gasp let me know he had no idea.
"I'm bi, Pax. I've known it for years. In high school I only dated girls, as Eli found out, this place wasn't so welcoming to gay people. In college, I got the chance to experiment a little. When I came back here I decided not to hide who I was, fuck whoever had a problem. However, things had progressed while I was away. A few old friends and old people couldn't handle it but for the most part, it was fine."
"Though, since I'd grown up here no one sparked my interest. The guys that were my age or close enough were my friends, all who were as straight as they came. For the women, I had already dated or fucked them, so I didn't want to repeat. Then you showed up here. From the day I found you, I wanted you, even with you bruised and bloodied."
Pax chuckled a little and I could feel him relax.
"Like you, I thought you only saw me as a friend. You never seem to give anything away, that I noticed, nothing to say you were gay or bi so I resigned myself to just being your friend. Until that night."