Chapter 98 - Another Talk About the Inner God
Evangeline told me that my Inner God was a procrastinator. I brushed it off, but what if that really means something? What if she was trying to give me a hidden message within her words? I've come to realize that a lot of the things I've learned were things she hinted at during that simple conversation. That woman wasn't just trying to mess with me… she was giving me answers. So, if she said my Inner God was a procrastinator… does that mean he'll show up later, in a more distant future? God… my head is starting to hurt. I need to remember everything exactly as it was said. Or could it be that crazy woman was actually my Inner God? It's possible… she knew so much about me and even said she'd be watching me. Could it be? Either way, I'll keep her existence to myself. Something tells me it's not safe to go around asking about or mentioning her name. It smells like trouble…
"I don't see why my Inner God would be like that. I've only seen him… once?"
Should I count the time he gave me the scarf? But that wasn't my Inner God, it was the Black Phantom, which was just… I don't even know what that thing is. What does it mean that he's the 'tip of the claw' of my Inner God? So, I don't even know where to classify that thing. The truth is, I've never actually seen that guy.
"From the way you're talking, it seems like not just anyone receives a fragment… otherwise, the example you gave about familiars wouldn't apply."
"Exactly," Alice said. "It has to come from a true friendship forged through mutual understanding. Both need to be in sync, just like with a familiar. You wouldn't expect to pick up a magical animal cub and immediately become best friends to the point where it would risk its life for you, or you for it. That kind of bond develops over time, and I'm talking about the time after a Deviant awakens their powers. After all, through the connection, you can visit your Inner God, and sometimes they might appear to you at certain moments. A Deviant should take advantage of those moments; it's not every day an inner deity decides to stop what they're doing to have a chat."
"But isn't an Inner God something that comes from us? Why would it be treated as a deity that's too busy… wouldn't it make more sense for it to be closer to its human counterpart?"
Or am I thinking about this all wrong?
Alice paused for a moment, considering.
"It goes far beyond that. They are part of us, of our soul… but they are still Gods. Don't forget that. Imagine being born as a God with vast knowledge and being linked to your human. Would you want to waste your time on an ant? You might have originated from the human, but remember that the concept of existence for a god is different from ours. To them, you only exist because of them. After all, you theoretically came from them, and they theoretically came from you. The two of you share this soul bond. Applying our human concept of ownership and limitation to a God doesn't work. I'd even suggest leaving that thought aside—many philosophers have wrestled with this idea. Who came first, the chicken or the egg? You might have a quick answer for that question, but when you apply it to our situation, things change. Who came first, the God or the human? Did humans start to believe in God and thus he came into existence, or did God exist first, and humans arose to believe in him? Don't think about it too much; you'll get stuck in a loop. Just know that the context applies to the God that dwells within us."
I feel my brain melting. What? So, the Inner God is really a God? Like, I know it's in the name and that kind of makes it obvious. But I never really stopped to think about it. Is it really a God? Like, a God? A God that was born from me? Or did I come into being for this God? Did he choose me? Or did I choose him? Which of us is the progenitor?
"Luke!" Anna clapped her hands, snapping me out of it.
"Don't think about it too much, you won't get anywhere. At the academy, we just nod and agree. Many other scholars have studied this for centuries, and the question still hasn't been answered. Just accept the facts and celebrate your progress in your relationship with your God," Anna said.
"Now that you understand there's a servant-master relationship in the concept of these deities... you can see why it's so significant when the relationship between the god and their human deepens. It's something to celebrate; it means the Inner God has descended from their pedestal and recognizes their human as something more than just… a human? Even I'm not sure how they see us," Alice explained.
"But it really is something to celebrate even more, Luke," the small redhead said as she cut a piece of meat and handed it to Luke.
"Anna's right. If we consider that until recently you were just a... worker? Then you haven't been a Deviant for very long. It really is something worth celebrating."
Luke accepted the meat, chewing thoughtfully as he reflected on what they were saying.
"I've only seen my Inner God once since I awakened..." the redhead said, staring into the fire.
"Really, Anna? You made contact with them after your Initiation?" Alice asked, surprised.
"Yes… she spoke to me."
"She? What was she like? Oh… sorry, I know it's personal to talk about your God," Luke corrected himself.
"It's okay, I trust you guys," the small redhead replied.
I won't lie; I'm curious to know what someone else's God is like. Especially Anna's. Don't tell me her God is a giant bow...
Alice stayed silent.
"You don't have to tell us if you don't want to..." Alice murmured.
"But you're curious, aren't you?" Anna teased.
The blonde girl blushed.
"It's your fault. You dropped something like that in the middle of the conversation and then went quiet. Of course, we'd be curious..." Alice said.
Oh, she gets curious? I didn't know the ex-electric robot had such common feelings.
"It was the night I was drugged at the inn..."
Anna said, gazing into the fire. Luke grew a bit serious; remembering that night wasn't something he enjoyed. The girls had tried a few times to probe what had happened, but he always evaded the questions. Just thinking about it, he could almost feel the weight of the malevolence in the air as the dark entities whispered their language. That night had also been a whirlwind of emotions for Luke, feelings he never expected to have for another human being… he thought only that person could deserve such feelings. But even for that person, he still hadn't returned the kind words he had received. The guilt of not reciprocating that love ate away at him; it was one of the reasons driving him to return to Earth.
Luke wanted to go back to that person and try to accept their love, but he didn't know how to feel about it. He knew the weight and the sacrifices that person had made, but he still didn't understand why. He couldn't fully grasp the depth of that person's feelings or what he felt about them. All he knew was that he wanted to see them again, but the words he would say… that was beyond him; even he didn't know what would come out of his mouth when he saw that person again.
What he felt was a mixture of fear, shame, regret, and frustration, but the frustration was with himself. But now, trapped in that world and far from everything… he wanted to return to the embrace he had once refused. He wanted to apologize, but he was ashamed to. He also feared that person might not take him back. Without that person, Luke felt… empty.