Five minutes later...
Axel was getting an unwanted glimpse into the deepest, darkest, most treacherous, and diabolical corners of his friend's mind as Kris urged him to climb the drainage pipe that clung to the upper floor of the double-story house like a desperate ivy vine.
"Are you crazy?" Axel asked, staring incredulously at his friend and the precarious pipe. "Even if I managed to climb the damn thing, how are you gonna do it, huh? Fly over like a bloated pigeon?"
Axel regretted asking the question even before he finished it, as Kris broke into his signature cheeky grin, the kind of grin a toddler would wear after successfully smearing spaghetti all over the walls.
"If I show you I can climb the pipe, would you come with me? Just because I'm built like a human globe doesn't mean I can't climb this pipe. Just watch your best buddy shimmy up this thing like a pole dancer on steroids."
'A freaking pole dancer is not 500 freaking kilos.'
Axel thought but swallowed the words like Kris swallowed burritos – whole and without hesitation.
"Don't do it," Axel warned as Kris grasped the pipe, bracing himself like a sumo wrestler about to grapple.
To his surprise, despite a few creaks and groans here and there, the drainpipe didn't even flinch under Kris's 500+ kilos.
Kris had more or less stuck to his word, defying gravity and common sense.
Axel watched dumbly, knowing he was about to witness the shit show of the century unfold right before his eyes.
The movement was slow, but the bastard clung to the pipe with his signature goofy smile and the determination of a war veteran charging into battle.
Axel had to give his friend credit—climbing up with that chubby weight was nothing short of a miracle, like watching a hippo try to climb a flagpole.
After what felt like an hour but was really only 15 minutes, Kris was finally a couple of meters up, hugging the pipe with sheer willpower.
His massive body blocked out the light bulb on the roof, but Axel could still see the asshole's smirk peeking through like the Cheshire Cat.
"Come on! It's easier than it looks... prrrrrr~"
Another foul gas erupted from Kris's rear, a deadly combo of stink and sound, making it seem like an alien or an intergalactic message trying to contact Axel.
'I regret not climbing first, I truly do,' Axel thought, swallowing hard.
He wanted to climb, but knowing there was a literal shit bomb that could explode at any moment made the task harder than navigating a minefield made entirely of turds.
He hesitated, but his friend just waited patiently, as if blissfully unaware of the biological warfare he was waging.
"Just take it slow and hug it with your entire weight," Kris said, mistaking Axel's hesitation for fear of heights rather than, "I don't wanna get shit bombed."
After a bit more convincing, Axel knew there was no way out. Kris would pester him until the end of time.
Resigned, he began his climb. Much to his frustration, holding the drainpipe with his entire body felt like he was clutching a skinny dick, making the whole situation awkward. But Axel knew it was the only way forward.
He braced his nose in anticipation of the bomb and started to ascend, feeling like a reluctant hero in a very smelly fairy tale.
Seeing this, Kris smiled and resumed his climb with occasional farting, each burst sounding like a trumpet announcing the arrival of doom.
Axel, for a moment, thought the farts acted like thrusters, propelling Kris forward like a budget rocket.
But something made him stop in his tracks. Something foul, smelling like rotten eggs. He looked up. Kris was way up there, and there was no way Axel could still be smelling a fart after so many minutes in an open area.
Unless, of course, Kris had crapped his pants, and the stench Axel was getting was the smell of that mess being dragged and smothered by the drainage pipe inside Kris's pants.
'There's no way, right? No way in hell he crapped his pants,' Axel thought, scrunching his nose.
He moved closer to the pipe, needing just a little whiff to confirm his suspicion. But the closer he got, the fouler the smell became. Axel thought better of it and decided not to investigate further.
'I just want to get this over with.'
He thought, considering calling it quits and letting Kris deal with his own mess. But remembering that this fart-propelled idiot only had him, Axel decided to end this quickly.
"Buddy, how are you doing down there? It's simple, just don't look down... just look up at your goal," Kris whispered from above, his voice barely audible over the toxic cloud surrounding him.
Honestly, Axel would rather die here than endure this smelly bomb any longer.
'Look up? Look up at what? Your smelly ass that could leak anytime!'
Axel wanted to scream, but he held it in. He endured and climbed with all his might, racing toward his 'goal' like a bat out of hell.
After a frantic few minutes of climbing, Axel was within reach of the balcony. Kris was just a head above him, and the goal was only a hand away. But no matter how determined, there's a limit to how long a man can hold his breath.
When Axel finally released his breath and took in the next batch of air, he was assaulted by a stench so foul it could only be described as the excrement of a man who hadn't pooped in two weeks and subsisted solely on rotten eggs, spoiled milk, and a sprinkle of garlic for flavor.
Axel's poor nose was under attack, and the smell was so intense he briefly considered letting go and plummeting to the ground just to escape the olfactory onslaught. But he held on, fighting the urge to gag, thinking,
'This must be what climbing through hell smells like.'
Axel's breath became staggered; he knew his brain was on the verge of shutting down from the overwhelming odor that seemed like it came straight from the pits of hell.
It felt like inhaling this stench would doom him to an eternity of nasal torment. Desperately clinging to a nearby drain pipe, he leaned forward, trying to escape the noxious fumes—
"Prrr~"
Another bio-bomb detonated, filled with gases that seemed potent enough to melt flesh on contact. Axel felt dizzy, pressing his entire body against the drain to avoid collapsing.
Squelch~
As his face made contact with the grimy pipe, he felt something mushy and squishy pressing against his cheek. A single tear escaped his eye and dripped to the ground. At least the tear was free from this biological warfare.
He didn't need to swipe his hand on the mushy substance to know what it was. The truth was, he didn't want to taint his hands.
He could already imagine his face becoming a tragic canvas of filth.
'B-but I want to know... I-I want to know...'
Axel decided that the best course of action was to sniff the damn pipe and confirm that the smell was just good old rusty metal and not Kris's biological warfare.
Deep down, he knew there was no hope, not for the pipe, and certainly not for his face.
Taking a gulp, Axel closed his eyes, exhaled the breath he had been holding, and leaned forward to take a deep whiff. Just as he was about to inhale the remnants of the pipe, the source of the bio weapon came crashing into his face.
Axel, eyes closed and nose tilted up, didn't see Kris slipping down. The moment Axel inhaled, Kris's crap-plated ass cheeks landed squarely on his face, squashing his nose, his cheek, and even his lips between the mushy mess.
Axel felt like he was being smushed into a grotesque pancake, his worst nightmare unfolding in real-time. His sniffing mission was abruptly aborted as his brain short-circuited from the sensory overload.
His last coherent thought was a desperate wish for a memory wipe before he toppled down the four-meter climb, the world spinning around him like a cruel merry-go-round.