'What have I done to earn this, dear gods...!'
Crackle~
Dark clouds rolled in, followed by thunderous lightning. Axel felt like a soggy pancake on a broken plate, the lightning forming a halo of divine judgment behind his head.
He was sprawled out in a bed of grass, his body twisted and bruised like a pretzel after a wrestling match.
He could see the walking bio weapon looking at him, perched atop the drain pipe like a gorilla who swallowed a whole ass gym ball.
'If there's a heaven, just let me die here.'
Crackle~ Druuum~
Another lightning strike, accompanied by a roll of thunder, rumbled across the sky with the enthusiasm of an over-caffeinated drummer.
Screams echoed from inside the house, one of them all too familiar to both Kris and Axel—it was Kris's girlfriend.
At least Axel was glad she was inside the house, or else all these crap and fart attacks he endured would be for nothing.
Pit patter~ pit patter~
Like even the heavens were pitying the poor boy on the ground, the rain began to fall, as if the sky itself was shedding tears for his misfortune.
At first, Axel was thrilled that whatever gross thing had stuck to his face from the drainage pipe would finally get washed away. But when another thunderbolt streaked across the sky, he jumped to his feet like a cat that just had a bucket of ice water dumped on it.
"If it's raining, that thing's bio-weapon is about to leak. I can't have that shit on me!"
He yelled, flailing his arms like he was swatting at a swarm of invisible bees.
Axel quickly gestured for Kris to climb up to the balcony. Not because of some noble brotherly bond Kris might be imagining, but because Axel was picturing a fate worse than being dunked in a vat of hot, rancid chili.
By the time Axel had painstakingly climbed up the drain pipe, Kris had, with great effort, hauled himself onto the balcony, looking like he'd run a marathon through a mud pit.
"Why the fuck is the floor brown, huh?"
Axel asked with a scowl, finally dragging himself over the edge and landing with all the grace of a drunken hippo. The first thing he saw was the splatter of brown across the white tile, and he knew that shit wasn't normal.
"Ah...uh... It must...uh... design...yes, it's the design, and it's not my shit at all."
Kris stammered, his face flushing redder than a tomato in a sauna.
Axel looked at his best buddy with an unsaid statement, his stare sharp enough to cut glass. Kris could practically hear the unspoken words: "Do you really expect me to believe that bullshit?"
"..."
"..."
"... Let's not waste any more tim--"
Prrrr~ sqlueech~ pssshhhhhh~ pluck~ plrrrkkk~
Axel didn't even finish his words as Kris's butt started a war of its own, producing wet fart noises like a disgruntled tuba player in a mud pit. Axel was pretty sure it wasn't just gas at this point; it was straight-up shit.
'Why am I not picking up any smell? Did my nose short-circuit like my brain?'
He wondered, half expecting his nose to start smoking like a busted toaster. Seeing his friend's innocent and embarrassed expression, he didn't have the heart to call him out.
So he took a deep breath, like a scuba diver preparing to plunge into a sea of nonsense, and decided to continue this shit show.
"Ar-are you mad at me? I-I just... I ate too much, okay? I swear it's not intentional, and I know you're uncomfortable--"
Kris stammered, staring at the floor like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. He felt too embarrassed to look up, but when he felt a shaking hand on his shoulder, he glanced up to see Axel grinning like a maniac.
"I would've ditched you earlier if I wanted to, but I'm here, right now. And I'm here because I want to be with you. And it's alright if you're farting and... uh... shitting. You're my friend, and I'll always be with you in times of need."
Axel declared, his voice full of dramatic flair like a cheesy movie hero.
Kris felt his heart melting faster than ice cream on a summer sidewalk. Sure, his girlfriend had probably cheated on him with his best friend, but here was Axel, another friend risking his life to help him confront her.
Kris didn't feel worthy of Axel's friendship at all.
Prrrr~ splutt~ plick~ squelch~ plrrkk~ plup~
A symphony of foul gases erupted from Kris, as if his rear end had declared war on decency.
It seemed like an entire sewage plant was pouring out of him, yet miraculously, not a single turd marred the pristine white tile—they were all safely imprisoned in his pants.
Despite the world turning its back on him, his stepfamily bullying him into a fat fuck, his girlfriend's betrayal, and his best friend's treachery, there was at least one man who stood by his side.
For that, Kris 'Christy' was eternally grateful. He craved a hug, a big, warm hug from his new bestest best friend.
Kris opened his arms wide and took a dramatic sniff before moving forward.
Axel's eyes widened in horror, and he turned paler than a ghost at a horror convention. He saw the approaching biohazard in the shape of his friend, but it was too late.
Kris enveloped him in a bear hug so tight it felt like being crushed between two sumo wrestlers.
Axel's ribs protested with creaks and groans as he was squished by Kris's enthusiastic embrace. It was a hug for the ages, the kind that poets would write about—if they could stop gagging long enough to pen a sonnet.
Squelch~
Axel felt something unpleasant squishing against the right side of his neck, but his face was buried in a thick fold of chubbiness, making it impossible to confirm.
'Just-just kill me already...'
Crackle~ Vroom~
Another lightning bolt streaked across the sky as though the heavens were actually considering Axel's plea. It was followed by another round of lovely screams from inside the house.
'Hopefully, it's grease from the burgers and sauces and his sweat, not poop at all,' Axel thought desperately.
In normal circumstances, even getting a drop of another person's sweat on your body was considered disgusting, but right now, Axel felt that was the best-case scenario. The poor man was suffering like a cat stuck in a room full of rocking chairs.
"B-buddy, let's go inside. We don't want to waste any more time, okay?"
Axel managed to croak from beneath the crushing weight. Kris agreed, and Axel pushed the enormous lump of fat away with a sigh of relief.
"Yes, you're right. We should just confront her and get this over with. Why should I be sad when I have someone like you by my side?"
Kris fisted his palm with determination, his chubby cheeks jiggling like jelly on a roller coaster.
"Cheating girlfriend, betraying best friend, and stepfamily can all go to hell. They'll meet their end at our hands!"
Kris declared, fisting his other palm with the flair of a cartoon superhero.
'Hah...ha...hah,' Axel thought, just wanting to get away from this human marshmallow, preferably alive.
Then, with dramatic flair, Kris turned around and strutted towards the sliding glass door. Something heavy was dangling below his butt, swaying like an oversized pendulum.
Axel's eyebrows shot up in confusion. His breath caught as he realized what the heck was dangling there.
It was like someone had hung a stone block inside Kris's pants or maybe even a cinder block. But no, the reality was much harsher.
'Di-did that thing come crashing on my face!? No, no, no... Fuck!!!!'
The thing that knocked him out of the drainage pipe, the thing that smothered him, was nothing but a monstrous turd. Its consistency and thickness weren't of any human shit Axel had ever encountered.
No, this was something straight out of a horror movie, one that was not at all friendly but a full-on nightmare.
'Oh god...! Oh my god...! Just end this nightmare episode. Just let me wake up in my room.'
Axel desperately hoped this was all a fever dream and that he was back in his penthouse, chilling in his comfy bed, eating his $2000 Wagyu beef steak.
But seeing Kris slide open the door and beckon him to follow with a grin, Axel despaired even more.
His nightmare was far from ending.
Kris stomped brownish footprints all over the floor as he made his way inside from the balcony, oblivious to the trail of horror he left behind.
Axel, resigning himself to the absurdity of it all, decided to follow along.