I slumped into my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling as the dim glow of my laptop cast a soft, eerie light across the room. Fatigue and guilt clung to me, pulling me down.
"Why did I have to hurt her?" I whispered, my voice barely breaking the silence.
Rena's tearful face kept flashing in my mind—her disappointed expression lingering. I couldn't shake the feeling of selfishness, like I had prioritized my own feelings without thinking about hers.
Am I doing the right thing? The doubt gnawed at me.
As I lay there, another face crept into my thoughts—Lilia. I hadn't thought of her in a while, but the memory of her crying in front of me felt too familiar now. Her eyes, red and brimming with tears, her face twisted in pain. The guilt stabbed deeper.
"Why do I always end up hurting the people I care about?" My chest tightened, the weight of regret settling in.
Suddenly, my phone buzzed, breaking the silence. It was a text from Tsula:
"Good morning."
I sighed, typing out a quick response.
"Good morning."
Her reply came almost instantly.
"You replied quickly today."
I hesitated, trying to sound casual.
"Yeah, I was online."
"How was your day?" she asked next.
I paused, unsure of how much to share.
"It was good." I kept it vague, not wanting to let my emotions slip through.
Tsula didn't seem to notice, her messages kept flowing easily, and I played along, masking my inner turmoil behind the small talk. I wished I could be as carefree as I sounded.
But as the night wore on, the exhaustion deepened. Sleep wouldn't come though—my thoughts kept circling back to Rena.
Would she distance herself from me now? The idea of losing her, even as a friend, struck a painful chord in me.
I tossed and turned, my sheets twisted around me as I tried to find some peace. But the questions kept swirling: Had I made a mistake by rejecting her?
Time dragged on, the ticking clock marking each second like a taunt. Eventually, my eyelids grew too heavy to keep open, and I drifted into a restless sleep, haunted by everything left unsaid.
I woke up late, the morning light streaming through my window, highlighting the dark circles under my eyes. As I swung my legs over the side of the bed, my thoughts instantly returned to Rena. How would she react today? The uncertainty gnawed at me. Would our friendship still be the same?
Rubbing my tired eyes, I braced myself for whatever the day had in store.
When I finally stumbled into class, running on fumes, my eyelids drooped, ready to give in. Just as I was about to lose the battle with sleep, Rena's voice cut through the fog.
"Hey, morning!" she greeted me, her tone unnervingly cheerful.
I blinked in surprise. "Morning," I mumbled, trying to mirror her energy, though my mind was reeling. Hadn't I hurt her yesterday? Why was she acting like everything was normal?
Before I could dwell on it, the practical session started. My exhaustion took over, and I drifted off halfway through the class.
A gentle nudge pulled me back from the edge of sleep. "Ashan, wake up! The teacher's about to come," Rena whispered, a mix of concern and light scolding in her voice.
I rubbed my eyes, trying to make sense of things. Why was she still being so kind? Her behavior baffled me.
As class ended, we slipped into our usual routine, working on our classwork together. Rena chatted easily, while I barely managed to keep up, distracted by the questions swirling in my mind.
Then, out of nowhere, she asked, "Hey, are you okay? You've been acting weird since morning."
Her question threw me off. Did she really not know, or was she pretending?
I hesitated, searching for the right words. "Yeah, I'm fine," I lied, hoping my voice sounded convincing.
Rena studied me, her gaze narrowing slightly. "You sure? You seem a bit… off."
I shrugged, trying to brush it off. "Just didn't get enough sleep, that's all."
She nodded, though I could see the concern still lingering in her eyes.
We returned to our project, the silence between us now tinged with an unspoken tension. I could feel it—Rena was waiting for me to say something, to open up. But I wasn't ready. Not yet.
After a while, I glanced over at her, curiosity getting the better of me. "Hey, are you okay?" I asked softly.
Rena's expression faltered for a moment, confusion crossing her face. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, after yesterday…," I trailed off, struggling to find the right words.
Her eyes widened slightly as realization dawned. "You thought I'd be upset?" she asked, her voice soft and understanding.
I nodded, feeling a strange mix of guilt and relief. "Yeah, I did. And honestly, I'm surprised you're being… so normal."
Rena's smile softened, and she held my gaze. "I did confess yesterday, and I meant every word, Ahsan. But it's also true that I cherish our bond, our friendship. Now that I've admitted those feelings, I feel… lighter. Freer."
Her words caught me off guard, but in a comforting way. "So, you're not upset?" I asked cautiously.
She shook her head, her ponytail swaying slightly. "Not anymore. I was, yesterday. But seeing you today, talking to you… it made me realize our friendship is more important than any unreturned feelings."
A wave of relief washed over me, my chest loosening. "Rena, I—"
She gently placed a hand on my arm, her touch warm. "You don't have to say anything, Ahsan. I just needed to be honest with you and myself. Can we please move forward, together?"
Her words felt like a balm, easing the guilt that had been weighing me down.
Then, Rena's eyes sparkled mischievously. "But do you remember that you said I could ask you anything?"
I nodded, intrigued. "Yeah, I remember."
Her smile widened. "Can I ask you something, then?"
"Anything," I replied, curious to hear her question.
Rena leaned in slightly, her eyes alight with curiosity. "Tell me more about yourself, Ahsan. I realize I don't know much about you beyond what we share as friends."
I frowned, confused. "What do you mean?"
Rena waved her hands enthusiastically. "I mean, I know your favorite foods and hobbies, but there's so much more to you—your past, your dreams, your fears. I want to know every side of you, the good and the bad."
"Everything?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in amusement.
Rena nodded, her gaze steady. "Yes."
I hesitated, feeling a flutter in my chest. "But… if you get to know me more, you might start to hate me. I'm not exactly the person you think I am."
Her expression softened, and her voice turned gentle. "I want to know, Ahsan. The good, the bad—everything. I want to understand you."
A small smile tugged at my lips, a sense of relief beginning to settle in. "Alright… I promise I won't hide anything about my life from you."
Rena's face lit up with a radiant smile, her eyes shining. "Thank you, Ahsan."
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself for the vulnerability I was about to share. "Where do I even start?"
Rena's eyes sparkled with curiosity, her voice soft yet eager. "From the beginning," she urged.
I took a deep breath, memories flooding my mind. "I don't have many childhood memories, but I can tell you about who I used to be." My voice trailed off, lost in thought.
Rena's encouraging nod spurred me on. "I used to be incredibly introverted, trusting no one and caring even less. Life felt hollow, like it had no meaning. The only people who mattered were my family; everyone else was just background noise."
Rena's eyes never left mine, her interest palpable. "What changed you?" she asked softly.
"Tsula," I said, a faint smile tugging at my lips. "The girl I told you about yesterday. Her tough childhood, the unfairness she experienced... it stirred something in me. I couldn't just stand by anymore. I felt like I needed to support her, protect her. That's when I started to care, and through her, I began to see the world differently."
Rena's expression turned tender, her tone warm. "She helped you reconnect with your emotions, with life itself."
I nodded. "Exactly. She made me remember what it meant to live, to feel again. As I grew closer to her, I started to change—slowly, but surely. That's the person you see in front of you today."
Rena's gaze turned inquisitive. "Do you love her, Ahsan?"
I hesitated, unsure. "I care about her deeply, but I don't know if it's love. I've never really thought about it like that. Our bond... it's always been enough."
Rena's eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "You're not conflicted; you just haven't explored that possibility."
I shook my head slightly. "It's more complicated. I worry that she's grown too attached to me. And I fear for her future. If I'm not around one day, I want her to have someone she can rely on—someone who can truly be there for her."
Rena nodded slowly, processing my words. "But before Tsula, you said you didn't care or trust people. Did something happen in the past that made you feel that way?"
My voice faltered, growing hesitant as I wrestled with the weight of my past. "There's something... something I've never told anyone. It's a part of me that I'm ashamed of, and I'm afraid that once you know, you might hate me for it."
Rena's expression softened, her eyes filled with compassion. "I promised to listen without judgment. Whatever it is, tell me."
Her reassurance opened the floodgates, and I began to share the secrets I'd kept buried for so long.