Bitterness started to seep out from within my mouth. I knelt down and tightly gripped the debris that came from the collapsed buildings. I desired to scream at the top of my voice, but I couldn't. How did my face look back then? Did I break at that moment? All I knew was that, this will become a scar in my heart for as long as I live.
I was completely in a trance that I had no idea I'd been taken to the hospital. I wasn't hurt physically, but I was still taken to a hospital for checkup just in case... That was what I was told, but I knew that the primary purpose of that, was to examine whether I'd gone insane from being a survivor of the catastrophe.
Haha, bold of them to assume I would lose my mind after I've undergone so much mental training under the strict Kapel. I just knew I wasn't...
As a Commander, it was my duty to understand my subordinates' condition, so I requested to meet with them. I hoped they were coping well, but how would I ever understand their pain and suffering? I didn't even have even a strand of hair cut off, how would I ever understand what losing a limb would be like?
I couldn't bring myself to witness "that" again... "Do I even have the right to face them?" These words kept recurring in my mind for as long as I can remember.
As a Commander, keeping my cool was of utmost importance. Of course, I'd expect the same to apply for my subordinates, so I trained and trained them to be more mentally capable, just like how Kapel trained me, with various cataclysmic scenarios that one could imagine as drills... But a cataclysm of that scale, was completely unfathomable and unprecedented. I mean, even I couldn't let it sink in well, even now...
But still, I held onto the last thread of hope. "They're gonna be fine, they went through the same training regimen as me. I've paved the way for them to become strong". Something along those lines came into my mind.
However, reality didn't go the way I desire.
Yes, that was when another nightmare began.
Upon hearing my request, the doctor overseeing me flinched. She just stared at her computer's monitor, and wasn't typing with her fingers anymore.
'Ha, what a weird reaction! Why's she acting like that when they're just fine?'
So I repeated my question. Oh of course, that question was just to attest to my assumption that couldn't have been wrong!
She replied with the word "confidential".
'Argh! 'Confidential'?! It's not like I'm using my subordinates' personal information to blackmail them or anything! It's requisite! Just tell me already!'
I then impatiently solicited the same thing using my authority as a commander as I grabbed the collar of the doctor's white coat... That was clearly being abusive with my power, even I, who seemed to have lost my mind at that time, could even sense how unreasonable I was being. But at that moment, I just couldn't care less. Heck, I even said that I'd be held fully liable for any consequences.
No, surely I hadn't lost my mind there...
Seeing my blatantly pitiable state, she gave her acquiescence. She only murmured one word, but that alone, was enough to shatter any hope I've held up till that moment. Every last bit of it.
That very word was, "asylum".
'What? But they clearly weren't refugees... No, wait...'
Something about that word came into my mind.
I reflexively stood up. My mind was frozen, or was it spinning? Crumbling? I didn't care, I simply dashed out of the room without turning to look at the doctor's face. I bet she must've found my behavior laughable, unbecoming of a Commander, ha...
There was only one asylum in the vicinity, it wasn't certain whether they've all been transferred there, but I didn't bother finding out, at all.
It was about 3 kilometers run from the hospital, I scurried there as if I was racing against a race-car. My shortness of breath only caught up to me after I'd arrived at the reception within the asylum.
I asked the receptionists the same thing I did the doctor, with the exception that I resorted to the collar grabbing right from the get-go.
I bet I looked like one of the escaped patients that somehow came back on his own after a leisurely walk. Nevertheless, I'd already cast my image as a Commander aside.
According to the receptionists, my subordinates were put in wards on the 7th floor which was heavily guarded.
I promptly dashed upstairs and opened the heavy door with a loud bang. And it was as they said, guards welcomed me... No, they neither welcomed me, nor tried to fend me off. As soon as they saw me in my ragged state, they showed downcast eyes, and couldn't even look at me.
I attempted to enter the closest ward without second thought... The door was locked. I urged the guards to open it, but they kept telling me they couldn't, or they didn't have the card, or whatever.
"I DON'T CARE! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!!!"
I yelled my lungs out, making an unreasonable request. Well... I'd been doing that for the past hour actually, haha...
'I'd accept all the reprimanding, just let me look at them... please...'
It was hurting my throat, so I had no choice but to stop for a second. And during that very second, some words coming from behind that locked door pierced my ears.
"Kill me, I'm begging you! Anyone! I don't want to have to look at something like that anymore! Please... JUST KILL ME!!!"
Yes, that was what I heard. A voice that contained no hope. What is he talking about? That won't do! I need to correct his mindset... But who am I to do that... I have no right to call myself their leader anymore...
I busted through the door by repeatedly banging against it with my body. My shoulder hurt, my arm hurt... My heart hurt...
The one awaited me inside was Darotr, one of the most promising soldiers in the unit, with his limbs strapped tightly on the bed... Or more precisely, his remaining arm and leg strapped tightly on the bed.
He, who used to be so gallant and pretty much a sub-leader in the unit, was a commander in the making. He was only one year younger than me. But at that moment... that part of him that was well acknowledged, had been tossed out of existence, sinking into the abyss, as my heart was also suffering the same fate. This promising individual was Darotr.
He was like a freshly captured animal, struggling to set itself free. It didn't matter that he only had one arm and one leg left, he was restrained on the bed just like that. He didn't deserve such a treatment!
"HE'S A VICTIM!!!"
As I was about to shout out those exact words to whoever would be so kind to listen to me plea, he noticed me who was frozen in place. That was when I saw those eyes... The look of despair, hopelessness, the look of someone who was completely broken not only on the outside, but also on the inside...
The look that was implicitly telling me to end it all for him. He'd given up on everything...