Father, with a deep, solemn voice, gave the answer I'd longed for, yet couldn't bear to ask myself until now.
Ah, as expected, some of them couldn't make it. According to him, some of them were still in a coma, while some didn't make it... and some went mad. I knew about the last one when I was in Darotr's ward. I mean, I heard another familiar voice yelling gibberish and loud "clinks" just in the next room.
I tried my hardest to omit that, and ended up being comforted by Darotr. Great guy, no wonder a bright future awaited him...
'Maybe I should bequeath my position to him as soon as he's discharged.'
I gazed at the door that I just closed. Without asking how the those didn't make it... passed, I had an inkling. Yes, not everyone is as strong as Darotr. Not everyone can overcome such a trauma within such a short period. That was why, I, as a Commander, needed to make things right.
Darotr mentioned that I wasn't acting like my usual self at the beginning... So did that mean I ought to keep my distance between them and me, like how I'd always been? But wasn't that the wrong approach?
'That's right. I can't impose my benevolence on them. My sudden expression of concern would surely be reminding them that... I don't know! I'd never done this! Not even with my mother before 'that'!'
'Ah, mother. Maybe it's my chance for repentance? I'll make it up to you by doing it right this time...'
Hence, I acted just as I did before the "Telestrophe" took place. Kapel's way had to right. That was my answer to how I should actually interact with my subordinates. Of course, showing a tiny bit of care couldn't be avoided, but that was natural, right?
I went to visit Darotr daily, while checking on the other soldiers' conditions. No improvement at all. Of course I was disheartened, but I couldn't coop myself up anymore, no way was I gonna make any of them worry because of me!
Because of Darotr's encouraging words, I managed to become more optimistic.
Of course, I still needed to keep my distance. It'd been keeping Darotr free from worries regarding me. Kapel's methods worked wonders.
Still, something felt amiss. I knew the reason - our conversation topics had been repetitive. It was always about my work, how well he'd been doing, what he wanted to do after he was discharged. It was like being played day after day on a radio. Deep down, I knew, it can't go on like this.
'I should talk about my... yes, my family, and perhaps, we can face our fears together, bit by bit. Maybe Kapel's ways weren't absolute! Heck, I could also buy him a little gift!'
I felt rejuvenated. As a Commander, it might not be a good idea to close distance with a subordinate, but this is a special case, so it's fine right?
'Mother, I might've found a way.'
After having picked a small pot of cactus, I set off from the flower shop.
I arrived and opened the door expectantly. Today's the day we can get on better terms! But...
There's a saying in Zuta, "not everything can be smooth sailing". Or something along those lines.
I thought all was going well for Darotr, so what I saw when I opened the door drove my mind to a plateau of emptiness.
There stood a familiar man, on one leg and with a crutch, with an iron bar in his only hand. Looking around him, there lied one of the psychiatrists... He was still breathing, fortunately.
'Wait, why is the psychiatrist lying on the floor? How did he get that iron bar?'
Upon longer inspection, I figured out where it came from: the bed. With one of its legs bent and snapped into two, the bed was somehow stable...
'NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I SHOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT RIGHT NOW!'
Those eyes looked milder than when I first saw him in the ward after the "Telestrophe", but it still carried the same derangement. I froze, neither my body nor mind could function.
"Commander~ I thought if anyone, you would be the one to understand my desire~ Haven't I told you when you visited me here the first time? I don't want to keep going!! I tried and tried and tried and tried and TRIED to keep reminding you every time... Yet you kept coming to me AAAAND talking about the same things over and over~ Yeah~~"
'Wh-what is he talking about?! He was normal just yesterday!'
"Tell me, commander~ I even went and put on an act just so I could get through to you, but NO! I know what I am to you, you kept calling me, ALL OF US subordinates! We are just pawns right~ Hahahaha I know~ I understand, yes I do, you need to maintain your image right? But I still respected you cos you're so strong~ I guess to you, weak people don't deserve to have their desires granted... THEN I'LL DO IT MYSELF! I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE TO LIVE SO FREELY WHEN EVERYONE ELSE...!"
'No, no no no, what's going on? It's not supposed to be like this.'
Him recovering, was nothing but a facade to get me to kill him? And instead of talking him out of it, I rejected him... without even realizing it. But that wasn't not a wish anyone should have at all!
Survivor's guilt. It wasn't just the trauma that he was suffering from. And I was too fixated on that to notice it, and so many other things... Now he'd finally lost it.
Ah, now I finally figured out the meaning behind those "encouraging words". He'd been implying his desire to die... this whole time. That was what he meant by "doing the right thing".
His powerful arm broke the bed's leg and turned it into a weapon... for suicide.
Those eyes have lost all hope, but somehow, it seemed to be still clinging onto a speck of yearning, to break free from the curse that was the "Telestrophe".
What if I had attentively listened and understood the implicit meaning behind his words? Would I have prevented this from happening?
I had erred yet again.
He was scared, of his last wish being deprived of, afraid of being left in a desolate land and he couldn't reach out to anyone. I was supposed to be the oasis... That's why he is so desperately trying to fulfill his dying wish himself.
'Killing my subor... my... comrade... NO WAY CAN I EVER DO THAT!! They're all a part of the unit, they're my second family! Only someone out of their minds would do something as heinous as this!!'
"You can't say anything? Well, whatever~ It's my turn now, my fellow friends~ No more of this cruel, ominous world!!!"
And in the next second, the iron bar with sharp edges... impaled Darotr's neck and the man whom I thought was on the path of recovery collapsed next to the unconscious psychiatrist. This time, blood started to spread on the floor...
I couldn't do anything, because he was right... I'd been treating them as soldiers needing my guidance, but not as a fellow Zutan, a fellow family member.
I'd always been fulfilling my duties by adhering to Kapel's teachings, but now it backfired. It killed a promising man with a bright future, and my spirit. If I'd treated him as an equal, and chatted with my open self, this would've never happened...
'Why... Mother, I've failed once again.'
I kneeled down and blankly gazed at Darotr who had his necked dyed in red lying on the floor, immobile.
It lasted until some guards came back to look for the missing psychiatrist.
My knee cap hurt, but not as much as my heart. Some of them helped me up, but my legs have lost their strength. So I was put on a couch in a private resting area for working staff... Or something like that, I didn't care. I was still in disbelief.
But...
'Am I just going back to secluding myself? No, I can't do that anymore, I need to make an effort to change my entirety.'
Astonishingly, instead of getting depressed, I felt motivated. You can call me crazy, but I just wanted to change myself. Because of my negligence, innocent lives were lost right before my eyes. I couldn't possibly let this happen again... This was the conclusion I had after ignoring others talking to and yelling at me.
This is the only way to prevent me from completely breaking down after all.
What a failure of a Commander I am. Still, change. I need to change. I must change!
... And today's me, was born from all that.
... And your arrival, is as if the gods have given me another chance to repent.