Voices that were hoping for an end were reverberating from the other wards nearby... tormenting my already sunken heart... I could't possibly endure this. That was why I chose to run away, there was no way in hell I could ever face something so cruel and brutal...
'I just can't... take it...'
I'd been shutting myself in my own house for months... No, I don't remember how long, but it felt like an eternity. Disheartened, I secluded myself from everything, including my own family. I knew not of the state of my mentally fallen subordinates. My mind was so disorderly. I'd been contemplating about what I'd done wrong, how it turned out like that.
My wife, son and two daughters, as well as Kapel and other colleagues, had been coming to console me, but I just didn't want anything associated with anyone anymore. All I heard when they talked to me, was just a bunch of indecipherable noises. So annoying...
No, I was scared. My whole body was trembling.
Even so, I just couldn't come up with what I'd done wrong. What a disgraceful Commander I am! Haha!
This just seemed to continue without an end, until the news of Darotr having returned to normal reached my ears.
My spirit rekindled. With my body that had lacked training for who knows how long, I rushed to open the door of my room, and grabbed the shoulders of my teen daughter who told me that news. I had to reassure what I heard wasn't a hallucination. It wasn't, right?!
My daughter flinched, but then she showed a faint smile.
"Mhm. That's why, Dad, you gotta go see him in your bestest state!"
She's right. I couldn't possibly make him concerned with how I'm looking now. So I shaved my beard that had been left to grow for so long, took a long shower, put on my camo suit, and set out.
I was so full of anticipation, but at the same time, my guilt that had been building up was pulling me back. After all, I hadn't resolved myself to see him for the past... I had no idea how long. Still, I'd been evading the big obstacle that was facing my subordinates that'd been traumatized.
Frankly, the only reason I wasn't traumatized was only because I didn't witness the second that blood splashed out. I'm sure a bed would've been reserved for me too if I had, even with all that mental training.
That's why, being able to recover just a teensy bit from that, was no ordinary feat. For now though, I could only yearn for the recovery of other soldiers.
It felt like a long trek. And somehow the sun seemed brighter and hotter than usual, even though it was dusk. The more I moved forward, the heavier my steps became. Will Darotr be greeting me like how he used to? Or will he... despise me for being so incompetent? Should I ask him what I'd done wrong as a Commander?
With guards accompanying me as soon as half of my foot entered the asylum, I arrived at the door that had shown me a transfixing sight after I'd forcefully opened it. Inadvertently, I was shuddering. What if what my daughter said wasn't true? What if the sight of me would remind him of the incident? Various thoughts popped up. No mental preparation or rehearsal was enough to bestow upon me the courage to open the once broken door.
I felt like the air was getting thinner. My hand was on the door knob, but turning it was just too strenuous. I could feel sweat on my palms. I could feel my heart fluttering as if it was about to jump out. I had to keep telling myself to calm down and maintain my composure.
"Commander Maladin, is that you?"
A familiar voice came from behind the door. It sounded like a normal person in attempt to strike a conversation in a typical daily life.
'Has... Darotr recovered? He has, right?!'
My eyes was getting soaked. Words couldn't express how elated I was. Never had I imagined that just a simple inquiry about my identity was adequate to sweep me off my feet.
I reflexively turned the knob and pushed the only obstacle standing between the both of us aside.
Unlike what entered my eyes last time, this time was a subordinate with a well-built body, sitting on the side of the bed without any trace of the straps. He showed a perplexed and stupefied look.
... However, something about him didn't change from the last time I saw him... He was still missing an arm and a leg.
"You look a lot skinnier than before. Have you been eating properly?"
That look of his turned into a wry and soft smile right after. I went ahead and grabbed his shoulders, pinched his face, ruffled his hair to assure myself that it wasn't a dream. It was real... It was all real. Darotr that others revered has returned.
Drops of tears were spilling out. As unbelievable as it was, the truth was that he managed to recover from all that trauma. Still, I knew one couldn't just completely do so even after living a full life, I was well aware of that fact.
Darotr was a strong man. Not just physically, but also mentally. I could never imagine myself recovering even a bit if I were in his shoes...
I tried not to mention anything that was related to the "Telestrophe"... Then what should I talk about? I was nonplussed and stared blankly at Darotr. I was speechless. Mixed emotions welled up within me.
"Commander Maladin... It's alright. I know how much you've been worried about all of us. But hey, you're not acting like your usual self!" He said jokingly with a beaming smile.
Somehow, that smile... seemed out of place. I know, he was just covering his stress with a sheet of feigned calmness, but that sheet was way too thin to enclose that stress. One poke, and it could get shredded into pieces.
I went along with his act, he was trying so hard for my sake, it'd be dumb to slice through that veil like an idiot.
He said "all of us"...
'That must mean that more of my subordinates were recovering like him, right?'
We had a chit chat like we were friends with endless nostalgia. The strict persona I had put on before was hidden within the deepest part of my heart as I acted as cordially as I could.
Even though he was the one victimized, he kept wholeheartedly encouraging me with words, like "believing in our Commander" and "I know you will do the right thing". I was honestly touched and ashamed of myself. That was when I swore that I couldn't run away anymore. I ought to face it head on.
After long, it came to an end. We both showed our most hearty smile as he saw me off.
As soon as the door was closed after I exited the ward, I asked about the conditions of the other subordinates. I held my fists tightly and waited with anticipation... What was I anticipating anyway? Darotr's case was one in a billion... trillion. It was fortunate that he managed to regain his self... and I couldn't say the same about the others. I've got to be reasonable...
Their conditions might've been told, but I just didn't want to hear it, but as a Commander, it was my duty to see this through, to make sure they could rest well.
'I want to run away. I want to run away. I want to run away...'
"Proxer..." Father appeared right behind me. It didn't startle me, he'd always been like that, appearing out of nowhere.
It looked like he'd be the one to talk to me about my subordinates' conditions.