"Roelle, I have something to confess to you."
Not again.
"I have kept this feeling since we were on the same project team.."
Then you should still keep it.
"I really like you. Roelle."
"...I can't...I'm sorry..."
It's time to find another job again. Whenever it's going well, it's always something like this. But it's fine, I'm used to it. I can't say yes because I don't have the same feelings as the opposite one does toward me. And every time I deny or reject them, they change. They treat me like some kind of bad person. One time, the team leader confessed his feelings, gave me gifts, and supported me in every project. After I rejected him, he treated me like shit, scolded me, and harassed me both verbally and physically. And I have to quit. In another place, my co-worker started to develop his feelings toward me, so I kept my distance from him, but one day, he did something disgusting to me, so I went to the police station, but they didn't do anything, and after that co-worker know that I went to the station he secretly waited for me on my way home.
'Do you still want to keep doing this?'
Doing what?
'Running away'
I'm not running away…It's better... because they can't handle the truth.
'Don't you want to try to find love?'
You know me…
'Well, because of me?'
You are me... so...
'Want to go to the gym? Have some fun?'
Yeah...*Sigh. Let's go.
I did not run away from love; it's just that I don't feel any love from them. They are the ones who do not accept this fact, and they blame me for it. Why do I have to be in that place and continue to have those kinds of situations again? But I admit I am bored of these circumstances.
I'm on my way to the gym, which is my friend's gym. The gym was her family business, and they passed it on to her brother after they passed away. The gym is like a second house to me. Well, it is their house. They live there, but the first floor is for their business. I mostly go to the gym after sunset or after work, when I want to relax and my frustrated thoughts at night.
"!!!"
I notice a group of people surrounding something, and they are all making loud sounds. I'm walking past them and just observing the situation from afar. It must be an accident. Then, the siren of an ambulance sounds louder and louder in my direction.
"..."
I notice the black shadow on the ground getting bigger and bigger, expanding all around the concrete street. It starts to form the black, intangible but visible to my eyes, into a shape like a human body but more significant, like sunlight shining through a thing and creating a shadow behind. But this one is not stopping. It's spreading to the building, and I start to see the head form opening its mouth.
That...
And it quickly jumps into the middle of the group of people.
"He's not breathing. He's not breathing!!!"
And someone screams out.
And that shadow quickly slides its body away through the street, and it's gone from my sight. Then, I turn my face in my own direction and walk away.
Today is the second time.
'It rapidly happens these days.'
You're not going to eat me, right?
'How can I?'
Just like that, open your mouth and...nyum.
'Are you trying to provoke me?'
No
'Yes, you are.'
Have you ever thought about it..?
'…'
You have!? Oh, my goodness.
'I haven't!'
Hmpt... I might test good.
'…maybe…you're teasing me again. Can you stop?'
The Gym
No one is here since it's 10:25 p.m., and the gym is about to close in 5 minutes. It's a normal gym, not different from others in the city. But here, there's a big stage ring at the center of the room for boxing and training, fights, or mini-matches for only the members.
I walk past the office that has the glass window only half up.
"I thought you're not coming."
The gym owner is my friend's brother, Aven, who is walking out of the office.
"Hi, Aven."
I greet him, and I see the woman beside him holding his hand and glancing at me.
"..."
I bow my head a little to greet the woman next to him, who is his girlfriend, but I don't wait for her response since she never does that with me.
Then, I walk ahead to the changing room. I take off my pants and wear shorts, leaving my white crop t-shirt on. I put my jeans and a coat in the locker, pull out my earphones from the bag and get ready to get out.
I am about to put my earphones in both ears.
"Take your time...Can you lock after leaving?"
He tells me.
"Yes, thank you."
I answer him.
Then, I put my earphones in and get in the stage ring.
"Light on, light off?"
He asks before going upstairs.
"Only…"
I tell him and point over my head.
And they leave me with the light that turns on.
The light over my head flashes and gives me light to see the surroundings. I take my eyes to look down at my feet. My shadow is under them, lying on the floor, expanding away from where I stand, and it's forming its body and appearing before me while my feet still connect with it.
I look up, way up. And it smiles at me.
Shadows normally occur when light hits us and produces a black area following our shape on the surface. But my shadow is a little bit different.
Mine has been getting bigger since I was a kid. And it has been following me everywhere, even in the dark. I couldn't get rid of it. How far I ran from it, it ran after me as fast as my speed, and even if it was at night, how many light bulbs I turned off, the curtains that I completely closed and stitched up. Even my eyes closed. I could still feel the heavy figure under my feet and under my bed.
One day, I witnessed an accident right across my house. I saw the dark shadow of the woman. It was about to cover her body as she stood near the traffic light. The green light changed to a red light. And then, she crossed the street while the car was driving chaotically. She didn't stop, and suddenly, the car hung at her. She called herself to look at the car. And she was just standing there waiting for that car to run at her.
And her body flew away to the sky and dropped to the concrete ground.
After that, the mysterious accident happened repeatedly, whether right in front of my eyes or on the news on television.
Time after time, I observed my shadow, wondering why it grew, how it could get bigger, and why some others didn't have one. I learned to know that the shadow is created by ourselves. It appears to us when our mind is in a dark place. People who have traumas, depression, and anxiety that accumulate at a young age or even when they are old.
Whenever or whatever bad situation occurs in our lives, we can not escape from our pasts or our own thoughts, which increase rapidly. It becomes our shadows, accumulates, and is formulated in shape. Eventually, if you are still addicted to that
'You're mind is out where.'
Ha? Yeah. I have to find another job soon.
'I know.'
This year, I changed it about 3 times already.
'Maybe it's not really your thing.'
What thing?
'The offices, the stores, the baristas…what else?'
Servers.
'Yeah, you served chicken...another thing... What is it? that you get the money by putting stuff in the bag.'
Cashier?
'Yes! That's it. I don't think it's your thing.'
Do you mean the cashier?
'All of it.'
I'm running out of jobs.
'The people...they aren't like you.'
…
'Maybe you should find some jobs that it's your people.'
Hmpt, and what is that? my people?
'I don't know. That's why I said finddd.'
If you mean my people who have the shadow just like us, then you're dreaming, smart ass. Have you met them so far? Some are devastated, and some are just... dead.
'Hmm, then, don't work.'
Wow, easy. I need money!
I raise my fist to punch his face. Since I know that I can't touch him (sometimes I can, only he forms himself to it) So, I can throw punches at him, as many as I want and as fast as I want, and I totally give it my full energy. He can move by his own will. He can throw a fist at me, too, but it passes through me. I can go high and go low, swing and curl my body around him, and he can do more precisely than me. Well, he's a shadow. He can get through anything.
We relax our thoughts by this method. The first time I started to learn how to defend myself was by taking mixed martial arts and defensive arts classes when I was around 14 years old due to the modern society, which upgraded and advanced the citizen living, the buildings, the transportation, the technology that can help and support them during the emergency. However, not some areas or groups of people could access it. I was one of them. The help and support I could get then was from myself, my knowledge, and my shadow. If I hadn't decided to learn to fight, I would probably have had my own funeral or would have been the perverted strangers' doll toy for them to play with or fuck with.
And I quit after I graduated high school and moved out of my city. I focused on the university and how to make my own income. Hence, I didn't have time for other activities, except this one, which was more like exercise therapy, and I could also get fit from it. I believe that a strong body can create a strong mindset, which I don't know the real meaning of. I just think that if I can live my life without thinking too much about stuff and just have fun with it even though I'm not that entirely happy, at least I still want to keep on staying alive, that's enough for me.
Honestly, it's fun, and he also loves it.
"Oh my… I'm so fucking tired…ha…ha."
I say it out and pant so loud.
I think I can't walk anymore…
'You can't, or you don't want to…'
I crawl myself out of the ring to get to the floor.
After cleaning myself and changing clothes, I double-checked that all the equipment was correctly in its place. Then, I turned off the lights and locked the door inside before I got out and closed it.
"Clank!"
I'm making sure it's locked by pulling the door again.
Before I turn my body to leave, I notice the black shadow on the ground facing toward me.
I glance a little to see it. It's huge, and something is floating like a cloud of smoke but clearer around the figure on the surface surrounding its body. Its head is under my feet.
Calm, Calm. Just act like nothing.
Xin…
'I know.'
Don't eat my legs. Don't eat my legs.
I hold my breath, step my foot under its head, and walk ahead ignorantly. But the strange shadow creeps in near the back of my feet with each step I take, almost on top of Xin, my shadow. He will be angry.
Act normal, act normal.
"Excuse me,"
A person who is behind me, the owner of the strange shadow, calls me.
Shit.
"…"
I can't hear anything.
I pretend I can't hear him and walk away.
"I know you can hear me… can see my shadow too."
He tells me.
Yes, I see his, and he also sees mine because only people with baggage can see others' shadows.
Xin..
"I saw you at the gym…"
He continues talking.
I continue walking.
"I want to offer you a job."
"…"
Then I stop.
'Roelle, be careful.'
I turn my body to see the face of the owner of the strange shadow. He's tall and practical, with a medium-sized fit body, and he's wearing a suit. At this hour?
He's stepping closer to where I stand. I don't move or step back. Even if I'm pretty scared of what's underneath him, I want to see the person directly in the face.
He wears glasses and has light hair, and he is even taller when he approaches me.
"What job?"
"...It's better if you..."
"No, thank you."
I hurriedly refuse the offer. Then, turn around and walk away.
"I'm not an imposter or anything."
Xin.
'He's following. Do you want me to handle it?'
No, just lead me when it's time.
'I can handle it.'
"Wait,.."
The person is trying to touch my shoulder.
Don't Xin…Go!
'Fine!'
And then Xin moves his figure ahead of me, sprinting his way while I run toward and follow him as fast as I can. He shifts left and right through the alley, passing the fire escapes and glass elevator outside the buildings covered with vines and plants. The automatic lights turn on and off while my body passes them.
Suddenly, I trip a medium-sized public trash bin.
"Don't hit me. Don't hit me."
And the robot's voice speaks loudly and clearly from the machine attached to the trash bin.
Geez.
Xin navigates me on the fast, complicated route to escape that man and his shadow.
Xin, are…we fine now?… I'm tired.
'Wait here…Yes.'
"Ha…ha…who the hell is that guy?"
I say it out loud.
Then, I leave my body on the floor and lean my back against the wall behind me.
"Now, I'm totally starving…"
'If you just let me handle it.'
How? It's okay. I don't want to be in the headline news tomorrow.
I try to stand up by using my hand to support the concrete slick wall.
"*Sigh..."
I exhale the air out.
Carry me.
'You said you don't want to be in the news.'
No one is gonna see it. It's almost midnight.
'…'
"Wahh…Uwahhhh…"
I pretend to cry out loud and open both my arms wide and begging eyes to Xin.
'Hop in.'
"Hehe."
I chuckle.
Then, I put my arms over his back, the invisible shadow of his forming into a tangible body in his body form, and he puts his hands under my thighs and carries me up on his back.