"Because if I did, I wouldn't have been able to send Jin Wuya to hold hands with you for several minutes," Wu Ling said. "And because I hurt her when I accidentally bewitched everyone the first night you saw me like this," he confessed. "I'm sorry, Brother Zhang, if I've hurt you in the process as well."
"You haven't hurt me," Zhang Buyan quickly said. "But you have confused me. I thought I had come to understand you well enough to advise you. I thought we were becoming good friends. Now, I feel like I've barely come to know you at all. You must think that I've been arrogant to offer so much advice when I barely know the burdens you've carried or the way you live your life."
"That's not true at all," Wu Ling said, standing up to approach Zhang Buyan and resting a hand gently on the burly man's muscular shoulder. "I've always appreciated Brother Zhang's advice. Aren't I following it now? Wasn't it Brother Zhang who said I should find an opportunity for myself on this trip?"
"But you've turned that right back around," the bearded man protested. "You're serving everyone but yourself, making these totems for everyone to strengthen us further. I haven't seen you making anything for yourself or even talking about such. As soon as you broke through, you went right back to helping others above yourself."
"Is it… is it because this is what people expect of you as a woman?" Zhang Buyan forced himself to ask. "Is this what your sect taught you? You know, Brother Fang's mother spent some time at one of the branches of the Bamboo Silk House before she married his father. His father has even mentioned sending his young sister there to 'learn womanly arts' before he arranges her marriage."
"I learned more of those things at the mortal school I attended while my mother and I were exiled," Wu Ling said. "Does it bother you?"
"Yes, it does bother me." Zhang Buyan said firmly, looking into Wu Ling's silver eyes with deep concern. "My sect has long believed that, as cultivators, women can hold just as much power as men can. To deny them the opportunity to find their own strength is to deny ourselves the support of the strongest of partners on the field of battle and off it," he explained.
"Si-sister Hua," Zhang Buyan continued, increasingly uncomfortable addressing his friend as such. "I don't want you to be diminished in any way. I'm worried that this, this disguise of yours is one that diminishes you rather than empowering you. If you've been trapped in it, if you're being forced, then tell me and I'll fight by your side to free you. I, I do not wish to see someone I consider a friend being oppressed."
"It's not that simple, Brother Zhang," Wu Ling said, stepping away to pick up one of the ring-shaped bones he was working on. "I absorbed a bit of power from the Blood Moon myself on that night. I could probably use these bones to make a totem for myself as well, but I have yet to decide what the purpose of such a totem would be. In all likelihood, I'll wait until I feel strong enough to use the bones of the Wolf King before I make anything for myself."
"Right now, I'm still being very selfish," he admitted. "I'm practicing and all of you are receiving my crude, first works. That you value them so much touches me, but please, don't think that I'm not benefiting from making things for you."
"As to being oppressed," Wu Ling shook his head with a sad smile. "Brother Zhang, Whether I'm Brother Wu or Sister Hua, I'm oppressed by those who are stronger than me. I'm oppressed by Brother Dahuo's sect, by my own Hall Master, by a dozen other circumstances that aren't easy to escape."
"This version of me that you see," Wu Ling continued. "She has some freedom that I don't have as 'Brother Wu.' I've found that I missed that freedom. That's not to say that I don't miss elements of being 'Brother Wu' either. The way you hold your distance from me right now, you're not the only one doing it. You were never so stiff when I was a brother and not a sister."
"That's," Zhang Buyan began, only to pause halfway. "How can I treat you the same way when you have changed so much?"
"Did I really change though?" Wu Ling asked. "Aren't I still sitting here, making things for everyone, working on my arts? Didn't I still help my friend come closer to the woman who has captured his heart? You know, as a sister, she was far more willing to share her thoughts and feelings with me," Wu Ling added.
"You are the same and you're also different," Zhang Buyan said, frustrated at his inability to articulate his feelings about Wu Ling's alternate identity. Wu Ling felt, to him, like a little brother who needed a bit of shelter and help to face the storm together. Hua Qianhu felt like someone he should block the storm from ever touching, someone who stood on a level he hadn't yet reached but aspired to one day. The feelings she inspired in him were very different from the ones Wu Ling inspired in his other form.
"I understand," Wu Ling said, observing the complex ripple of colors playing through Zhang Buyan's aura. He truly had confused the other man, but he felt that only time would allow things to settle back down. "How about this," Wu Ling said to change the topic. "Set aside my matters for a moment, let's talk about you and Sister Jin for a few minutes."
"I told you that she was more free with me as a 'sister' than as a 'brother,'" Wu Ling began. "Yesterday, we talked about her connection to the sun and flames, but it revealed many things about her heart. Sister Jin wants to burn like the sun, she wants to shine brightly, high in the sky."
"She already does," Zhang Buyan said wistfully. "She is the brightest light in a stormy sea. No matter where she goes, she'll always shine brighter than anyone around her."
"Are you okay with that?" Wu Ling asked. "The sun is alone in the sky. It shines so bright and burns so hot, that nothing can easily approach it. If she needed to be alone to shine her brightest, is that what you'd want?"
"The sun might shine the brightest in the day, but it must rest eventually," Zhang Buyan said. "When it does, the moon and all the stars take up a bit of its burden, lighting the way at night. If I can give her some time to rest, a place where she doesn't have to expend all of her energy to light the world, then that would make me very happy. I just don't know if that will make her happy."
"You're a rare man, Brother Zhang," Wu Ling said with a smile. "I don't think Fang Lin or his father could ever say what you just did, and many, many men are like them. The moon might eternally chase the sun but sometimes, it's able to draw close enough to share the sky during the day, and sometimes, it even manages to catch the sun, creating a sight that's truly brilliant."
"What I mean to say, Brother Zhang, is that if you are committed in your heart to helping her shine her brightest, and if your heart holds no fear of her shining brighter than you, then I think you can be not only the moon who shines in the dark when she needs rest, and not only the moon in the day that chases her but the moon that helps her create the most brilliant of sights."
"I've long known Junior Sister Jin to be more extraordinary than myself," Zhang Buyan said. "I have no doubt that she'll surpass me in the near future. That's why, things like the totem you're making are true treasures to me. They'll help me keep up with her as she burns brighter and brighter, ever higher in the sky."
"Well then, treat this first totem as a foundation," Wu Ling said. "But, after we return to Silver Sword City, I will keep working on a new one using the bones of the Wolf King, a totem that's split between the two of you. I don't have the confidence to make it until I'm at least a late-stage Understudy, maybe even a Trusted Artist. But one day, I'll find a way for you to add your strength to hers, so you can be the tide that lifts her higher."
"I'd like that, Sister Hua," Zhang Buyan said, a hint of moisture collecting in his eyes. Listening to the way she spoke, it didn't feel that different from when Wu Ling had joined him at the Golden Tide Martial sect and had first helped him approach Jin Wuya to invite her on this trip. Perhaps Sister Hua Qianhu was a bit different than Brother Wu Ling. But in the ways that mattered the most, it seemed like there was no difference at all.