-Is this how I acted back in my homeland? What did she mean by that... Of course, it is. I've always been like this.
This is not a lie.
This is how he's always been.
Decisions.
Choices.
Selections.
Seventeen years of life and he has not figured out how to make them.
Life has always found its way to beat him down. To make him stop wanting to choose and decide. To make him stop wanting to do anything.
He's convinced himself he doesn't matter. That nothing matters.
Nihilist ideals stemming from deep-rooted memories and trials. Experiences and challenges the world has thrown in succeeding attempts to break him down. Making all thought of choice erase from his abilities.
August 6th, 2009
Age 3
Memories these old are left in scraps. Worn and tethered to the point of obscurity. Are any recollections from these days even real? Are they simply dreams mistaken for reality?
For one of these memories, he knows its certainty is true.
Saiph and Lance. Mother and Father.
Existing within his realm of recollection is not a single moment of them together. Except one.
The basement is flooding. Sweeping rain pounds against the shaky windows. Storms have always terrified him; this one is no different. The wind howls manically as if taunting his little boy heart.
But above all the noise. Above even the deafening storm. Is screams.
Back and forth, his parent's shouting overshadows the shrieking storm. It is more terrifying than anything he's heard before. His fears of thunder shrink to the size of an ant.
As a little boy, he looked up to these two figures more than anyone else. They were invincible, awe-inspiring, superhuman.
In his isolated world, the thought of it being destructed had never come to mind. Youthful wishes that nothing would ever change, that their happy life as a family would last for eternity.
What is marriage anyway? It's just mom and dad. They were here from the beginning, why would they drift apart?
In his oblivion, he abandons the fetal position on his bed and drags his blanket across the floor. He enters the hallway and peeks between the stair's railings. The dimly lit setting is exploding in vibrant words.
"#*%&#%*#&*%#!"
"%#*#&%*%#&!"
What are they even saying? What are these words?
He doesn't understand. The only thing he knows is that they are upset.
Why is mommy crying?
Why does daddy look like that?
Young Sirius decides to head down the steps.
"#%*%&#%!"
"&##%*&#%*#!"
His tiny head tilts in confusion. What are they talking about? Why-
smack
His father's hand strikes his mother's cheek. The noise resounds throughout the house like thunder. All other noise goes white. All thoughts go white.
She looks horrified. Like someone died in front of her.
Tears pour out and seep into the carpet.
It all erupts.
"%*&#%*#%&*#%*&!"
"&#*%#&*%#&!"
#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%*&...
"Wh#t a%*ut t&e b#by?!"
His mother holds her sprouting stomach and weeps. Weeps and weeps and makes a storm sound soothing.
Her weeping eyes catch the shape of her son.
He stands there with his blanket in his hands, clutching it with all his might for the slightest amount of comfort. Pooling tears run down his cheeks.
"Sirius..."
His father is furious. He gazes into the young boy's soul and then some. Thunder cracks and rattles the once-called home.
"Who would you rather live with?" Kneeling down, he places his hand on his son's shoulder. "Me or your mother?"
...
"Huh?"
The boy doesn't understand. How could he? He is too scared. Why would daddy ask that? What is he saying?
In his fright, he wraps himself around his mother's leg. His father's face distorts, and his arm drops to his side.
"What are you thinking?! How could you ask something like that?!" She's shouting again, it's so loud. "He's three years old! Don't make him decide something like that!"
"&#%*&#%#*#%*&!"
"&*#%&*#&%#!"
The little boy cowers into his mother. He wants it to end. But it won't.
"Sirius," his mother bends down, bringing her wet face close to his. "Don't think about that. You don't have to choose anything, okay?"
Despite her relentless tears, she maintains a smile in front of him.
All the boy can do is whimper helplessly. His mother brings him into her arms. A mother's warmth swallowing him whole, he stuffs his face in her shoulder and cries. She whispers once more before the memory comes to a halt.
"You don't have to decide anything."
And so, he didn't. And when it came to his parents...
He never decided again.
Whatever they wanted, he complied. Through hatred and annoyance, he complied. It made them happy.
What would have happened if he had chosen? How would his life have been different? Would he have come to enjoy his life? Would he have been brought to this world?
Too many questions. None that have answers.
June 27th, 2013
Age 8
Leaning against the bark of a great willow, the shade cools his warm skin.
A lump of dry grass is plopped on top of the boy's shaved head. His brother giggles and runs away. Seeking revenge, a young Sirius rips out blades of grass and pursues his assailant.
Neighborhood friends join the war. They throw grass like snowballs and battle until the sun begins to fall below the horizon. They roll down the hill, covering their clothes in green stains. Laughter fills the summer evening until the cicadas start to sing.
With night creeping closer, they hop onto their bikes and ride through the firefly's light. They bid farewell to the friends they've had for years. The two brothers race home, and Sirius wins by a good margin. Canopus is frustrated per usual, but it is thankfully short-lived.
The two chat about their plans for the night, with no school tomorrow the night belongs to them. They grab popsicles from the sweltering garage and head into the air-conditioned home. Childlike laughter comes to a halt as the brothers stumble into the living room.
Their mother is crying. No noise or anguish is prominent, the only evidence is the tears running down her cheeks.
"Hi, my little stars," she sounds normal. "Can we talk for a moment?"
The brothers quietly sit down, giving each other concerned looks.
What follows next shatters their happy summer.
"I know this may be scary-"
"I don't want to move! I like living here!" Canopus cries. Being as young as he is, he can hardly grasp what is happening.
"I know honey, but mommy doesn't have enough money to stay here. I know you'll make more friends; you both are so smart and funny... Maybe you'll even like it better than here."
"No, I won't! I hate you, mommy!" Canopus runs upstairs and slams the door to his bedroom.
Tears run down their mother's face. She tries to wipe them away, but they are too quick.
Sirius sits sunken in his chair. He doesn't say a word. He only watches his mother cry before him.
His mind wanders into visions of his neighbors, his schoolmates, and the people he calls friends. Sirius grows saddened and curls into a tight ball.
His mother gets up and approaches the young boy. She sits down beside him and pulls him close.
"Do you want to stay here, Sirius?"
His mother's question adds more confusion. She just told him they were leaving forever. Now she asks him if he wishes to stay.
He enjoys his life here. He has met people who he enjoys being around.
But he also loves his mother. He doesn't want to trouble her by making them stay. Money is an issue; he's known that for a while now. If he decides to stay, she will only become more upset. But if they move, the two brothers will leave everything behind.
"...I don't know."
She pulls him in closer.
"That's okay. You don't need to know. I'll figure something about..." her tears pour down. Sadness swallows the mother and child.
The outcome of this night results in the family moving to another town, further from their friends and closer to the boy's father.
A series of similar events occur throughout the following years. Meet people, move away. No money, move away. The relationship of the brothers dwindles and dissolves over the years. Again and again, until Sirius decides...
Not to make friends.
January 13th, 2020
Age 13
Eighth grade.
Midway through the year, Sirius moves to the school he'll reside in until death concludes his stay.
Art class is dull and everyone is a stranger. He considers whether or not to even attempt making acquaintances. His mother's job should be steady enough to stay here until he graduates, but regardless...
It feels useless. He simply doesn't care.
Suddenly, a girl sits down beside him. Long straight hair and a cute complexion.
"Hey, you're the new kid, right?" Her voice is soft yet loud.
Sirius nods and gives her a forced smile. He's made friends with plenty of boys, never any girls. This is probably a dare by her friends, so he doesn't think too much about it. Instead, he simply acts as usual, polite and perfect.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?"
"Of course not, go ahead."
She talks and talks the entire class. Sirius consciously ignores her but acts like he is listening. From the little he hears, apparently, she doesn't have many friends.
The class ends and no other class contains her presence. Sirius tries to forget her existence.
The next day, she returns to his side and talks. Her aura emits friendliness, but something just feels wrong to him.
After a couple of weeks, Sirius decides to drop his barrier. He listens to what she says and becomes captivated. For some reason or another, he doesn't want her to stop talking. The upcoming weeks carry on the same.
Sirius listens and shares about himself with her. She listens, fully captivated just as he does. She talks, and he listens. He talks, and she listens. Sirius has never told anyone the things he told her.
Gradually, the two grow closer and closer. Sirius' mood improves considerably, not that anyone else would be able to tell. But she does.
They start going out as friends. Going to the mall, watching movies, pulling each other into each other with no one in their way. Sirius hasn't even told his family of her; he doesn't want anyone to interrupt.
Before he knows it, feelings for her arise. For the first time in his life, he's in love.
"Where do you want to go today?" She asks as they walk out the school doors.
"Hmm, I don't know, where do you want to go?"
"You always make me decide..." she pretends to sulk. "Can't you choose?"
"Umm, the park?"
"The park??"
"I don't know!"
She laughs it off and they head to the park.
They climb around on kiddie equipment, cracking jokes and laughing. A ding on her phone pulls them out of their daze.
"Oh!"
"What's up?" Sirius asks, hanging upside-down off a bar.
"I just scored a date tomorrow!"
A sinking feeling in his chest emerges. His heart drops.
"Oh...?"
"Hehe," she squeals in excitement. "I'm so excited! What should I wear? What should I do with my hair?"
"..."
The next day Sirius walks home alone. For half the school year now, she had walked with him to either his mother or father's house, despite it being off her way home.
When had she developed a crush on someone else? Why didn't I notice? Why am I so upset?
His feelings start to flicker.
The following weeks include him helping with her potential boyfriend. He picks what she wears, how she does her hair, her makeup, and where they should go. He hopes desperately that her feelings fall apart.
But they never do.
One day, right after school ends, he hears her voice from behind him.
"Sirius!"
Sirius turns around and greets her with a happy smile.
"What's up-" The sight before him practically cuts off his tongue. There she stands, hand-and-hand with the guy she's been chasing. He stands proud, he's on the taller side.
"Guess what!"
"What..."
"We started dating!"
Her happiness resounds through his eardrums. Pure joy in every syllable.
He feels his heart get torn apart.
All he can do is offer her a fake smile.
"That's awesome! Sorry, but I have to go, tell me about it later!" He runs off before he hears another word.
The way home is silent. Apart from the sound of static.
That night she texts him. She tells him she's happy. He tells her he's glad. This is a happy moment for her, so why aren't you happy for her?
#%^#&%: Is something wrong?
Sirius: What do you mean?
#%^#&%: You seem upset about something.
Sirius: Why would I be?
#%^#&%: I don't know. I mean, it's not like you liked me or anything, right?
...
He never talks to her again.
Anytime he spots her in the halls, he promptly gets away. The class they shared swapped to something new without her. He ignored her until she became a distant memory.
All she did was prove to him something he learned long ago.
Don't make friends.
Don't get close to anyone.
And in the end...
He decided not to love.
May 2nd, 2021
Age 15
Soccer is an escape.
To get away from his father. To get away from his mother. He feels like he is slowly losing his mind around them. Despite his fondness for his mother, she is still frustrating to be around.
On the field, it is only slightly more tolerable. But he takes whatever he can get.
He smiles that tiring smile. He's a model teammate. Caring, supportive, funny, everything you could want out of someone.
His teammates love him, praise him, but nothing is ever felt. He holds his teammates in no regard, not even a sliver of care for them. He just wants to play. To do something.
A tournament approaches. The team is practicing hard. Sirius, being moderately skilled, is in need of improvement. But he feels no motivation to do it. Despite his unwillingness, he presses on.
Every day during and after team practice. When he comes home, he goes into the backyard and practices by himself. Until fatigue makes him break, he presses on.
Despite his efforts, he doesn't improve.
When the first game of the tournament arrives, his team is marginally ahead. Everyone has improved, it's easy to see. He feels left behind.
A gap in skill becomes apparent.
His self-consciousness makes him choke. Every time he's given the ball it ends up in the other team's possession. He falters at the critical moments, and at his position mostly involves missing shots. Off-sides. Penalties. It all comes crashing down.
His team's lead slims until a choking tie.
Overtime approaches, Sirius is exhausted by his own failures. One more goal and victory is theirs. After the striker of their team gets injured, the coach suggests Sirius play upfront.
"What do you say? Can you try playing the nine?"
"I'm not sure-"
"No time for hesitation, you're going out there, alright?"
With his team's goalie taken out, all their focus is set on making the final shot. With the ball in play, everyone plays their best. Perfect passing and communication. The chemistry of the team is admirable.
In front of the goal, a perfect pass lands at Sirius' feet. All that stands between him and victory is the goalkeeper. With a final shot, he drives it towards the goal...
Into the goalies' arms.
...
After the soccer incident, Sirius' motivation plummets. His teammates assure him it wasn't a big deal, but he thinks otherwise.
Before he knows it, his grades catch up with him. He was so focused on soccer that his academics tanked. They have been slipping for a while now, but this was a new low.
With multiple tests on the horizon, he studies. He studies until his brain can't function and then sleeps. He puts soccer aside and his skills plummet. He gives everything possible to earn a good grade, and when the test comes back to him...
No improvement.
Not in sports. Not in school. Not in anything.
Nothing ever changes. Not himself or the world around him.
He stagnates.
As the days go by, he chooses not to improve. And so...
He decided not to care.
He decided not to try.
November 14th, 2023
Age 17
He stares at the paper.
Career: ____________
College of choice: _____________
...
He's never thought of it before. His idle days have conditioned him into thinking nothing will ever change.
-What do I want to do with my life?
Presented the question, his thoughts scatter. He taps his pencil against the page, tapping to the rhythm of the ticking clock.
The day concludes with nothing written on the lines.
"Your teacher emailed me; she said you haven't turned in your future plans sheet." His father's displeased tone irritates the boy.
"Oh yeah, I just didn't know what to write down," Sirius gives his father a soulless smile.
"You're going to be a doctor, aren't you?"
The way he says it seems like this had been decided for years. In a way it has, his father has always expected him to become either a doctor or a professional athlete. No in-between.
"Right..." he laughs it off, assuring his father he has made the choice.
...
The paper remains unfilled a week later.
"Hey, Sirius! Do you want to go on a bike ride with me?"
His mother's rare suggestion catches him off guard. They hardly ever go out to do something.
"Sure!" He giddily accepts, just wanting something new to do, and the mother-son-duo set off.
It is an odd occurrence. Not even Canopus was invited to tag along, not that he would accept the offer.
Their small car passes through the countryside. Trees seem to fly past as they speed through the dirt road. The satisfying crunch of small rocks is accompanied by the smell of passing nature.
With a screech of the tires, the car comes to a halt.
"Where are we?"
"Hehe," she carries herself in a smug manner. "I heard there was a waterfall in the forest over here."
"In the middle of nowhere?"
"Come on!" She turns off the car and they each pull out their mountain bikes. Sirius hasn't used his in years.
Riding over fallen leaves, they skim across a hardly recognizable path. They weave through low-hanging branches and glide over water, getting their shoes wet. His mother talks about work, about a dog she saw while shopping, and other random things. Sirius listens to her rambling, not knowing what to say. He simply responds when spoken to and smiles like he cares.
The trail comes to a dead end and his mother ponders what to do next.
"Where should we go from here?" Sirius asks, taking in the scenic environment.
"Hmm," she hops off her bike and walks over to a nearby bush. She shifts the leaves and peers behind the blockade. "Aha, the trail continues through here!"
-Why is she so energetic?
They walk their bikes around the bush and continue up the hill. Handles in hand, they step over jutting tree roots.
"Hey, Sirius, what kind of rock is that?"
"Hm? I don't know," he laughs at the odd question. "Why?"
"...Just curious," she gleefully skips on ahead.
The top of the steep hill brings them in front of a tiny waterfall leading into a shallow stream.
"Is that your waterfall?"
"It's smaller than I was expecting, but I believe so."
They grab a seat on top of two large boulders at the edge of the stream. The two watch the clear water run through the molded Earth. Sunlight pokes through the autumn leaves, glistening in the waters below.
"Do you like nature?" His mother asks in the same curious way.
Of all the unknowns in his life, this is one thing he knows the definite answer to.
"I do."
"..."
"..."
"So, I heard you've got some late assignments."
"Way to kill the mood," he jokes.
She giggles.
"Aw, I love it when you joke around like that."
"..."
"Anyways, tell me about it."
"Ah, it's just some future plans stuff. I don't know what to write."
"Do you have any ideas for the future? About what you want to do?"
"...Not really. A doctor maybe?"
"Is that really what you want to do?"
"...I don't know."
"Hmm."
A melancholic air absorbs the atmosphere.
"Sorry."
All he can think to do is apologize.
"Oh, don't apologize," his mother teases. "Well, you said you like nature, right?"
"Mm."
"Why not go into something related to that? Maybe marine biology? Or own a zoo? Geology maybe?"
"...Geology could be interesting."
"You think so? Nice! You should look into it and see if it calls to that big brain of yours." She pokes him on the forehead.
"Okay."
...
A part of him will feel guilty if he goes down this road. What would his father think? He would be disappointed, that's for sure.
The following day, without looking up anything beforehand, he fills out the sheet.
Career: Geologist
College of choice: Undecided
After mindlessly following his mother's advice, he came to a realization.
He hasn't done a single thing he's wanted to these last couple of years. He willingly does what anyone asks of him with a smile. After all, it's what people expect him to do. It's what he has made everyone expect from him.
He realized he'd forgotten what he even wanted to do with his life. Or rather, he's forgotten how to live as himself.
At some point or another...
He decided not to live.
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
Aureole closes the cover of her studying notebook.
She stretches her arms and exits her room. She wasn't able to get much done today. Her thoughts were occupied with worry for a certain someone.
So, she decides to seek him out.
She checks his room but there is no sign of him. Out of curiosity, she decides to snoop around.
His clothes are in piles. A journal is spread out on top of his desk. The writing is incomprehensible but consistent enough to deduce it as a different language. His bed looks unslept in.
Entering the bathroom, her attention is immediately brought to the mirror. A carved smiley face stares back into her gradient eyes. Chills run through her wings, and she decides to leave his dimly lit room.
Aureole makes her way to the door the next room over. She hesitates to knock, she doesn't know Korlin that well. Remembering how he acted with Pholy, she steels herself and knocks.
No response.
With Pholy on her mind, she decides to search for her too. Maybe she knows where Sirius is.
It doesn't take long. Aureole finds Pholy with ease, she has memorized her friend's rough schedule, so she always knows where to find her.
Her friend resides within the kitchen.
Pholy shoots a pink spark from her fingertips which lights the stove ablaze. Meat identical to bacon sizzles in a pan.
"Pholy?"
"Aure, what's up? Do you want some ryge skins?"
"They do smell good..." temptation threatens to overtake her mission. "Wait, maybe later, do you know where Sirius is?"
"Ehhhh," she groans at the mention of him. "He just asked me to teach him gardening so that he could "be useful" or something."
"What did you say?"
"What do you think?"
"Mm, I wish you'd be a teensy bit more friendly."
"I know, I know, he just gives me strange vibes." She flips the ryge skins over in the pan and fuels more pink flame to the stove. "He's being way too polite, and it freaks me out."
"I know what you mean..."
"Was he always this... formal? He seemed normal when I first met him. More normal than the other one at least..."
"No, he wasn't... that's kind of why I want to find him." Sirius is losing his memories, that's what he told her. Undoubtedly, mixed with dying and being brought to this mansion, he is overwhelmed. He's scared and doesn't know what to do. Aureole desires to comfort him in any way she can, she knows how scary being roped in with royalty can be. "Do you know where he went?"
"I think just over there down the hall," the small girl points further down the hall. "Though, for some reason, he grabbed a knife on his way out."
"A knife?! Why??"
Aureole starts to panic. The entire time she's been acquainted with Sirius, he's been in a troublesome mental state. Him being alone with a knife gives her unease.
"Not sure... I was trying to get him to loosen up, so I joked saying "Instead of trimming plants you should focus on trimming your hair" and he agreed. So maybe he's cutting his hair with the knife."
Aureole's mouth hangs open.
"And you just let him go?"
"I'm making food," she pouts.
"Huh," Aureole sighs. "Save me some!"
She runs out of the kitchen and away from the pleasant scent of food. She rushes through the hall towards the closest bathroom, it is the only room this way with a mirror.
Sure enough, as she gently presses the door open, the figure of the boy stands in front of the mirror. His umber hair is soaked and dripping. A jagged cooking knife threatens to cut off his bangs.
"Ah!"
Catching her image, Sirius is startled and slices off a small chunk of hair. Strands float down slowly, landing in the sink below.
"What are you doing...?"
"Haha, I'm just trimming my hair up a bit. It's gotten a little long, you know?"
Sirius' facade is apparent. He doesn't want to cut his hair.
"It looks fine to me."
"You think so? Thanks, yours looks pretty too." His flattery goes nowhere.
"..."
Sirius raises the knife to his hair once more. He lifts the blade against a handful of soft strands.
"Sirius, put the knife down, please."
"It's alright, I'm just going to cut a little. Or maybe I should shave it?"
"Do you know what you're doing?"
"...Of course, it's just hair."
"That's not what I meant."
Sirius puts down the small blade.
"..."
"..."
"You know," his somber voice is coated with a shallow laugh. "My entire life I've had short hair. Basically shaved."
"O-oh?"
"My dad would always shave my head when I was little. Then, for the past couple years, he had my hair look exactly like his." Reflecting in the mirror is the image of his father's head, Sirius diverts his view. "Up until a couple of months ago, that's just how it was."
"Why'd you decide to grow it out?"
"...I don't know."
...
"Um," she tries to lighten the mood. "Do you like your hair long?"
"...Yes. I like how it looks."
"Well, there you go! You like it, isn't that reason enough?" She stands beside him; they look at each other in the reflection.
"It shouldn't be this long; my dad would be upset." Curling his hair around his fingertips, he scoffs at himself.
"Don't say that... I'm sure he doesn't care what you look like."
"..."
"Er, I shouldn't say that, should I? I don't know your family situation, I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize," he gives her a closed-lip smile.
"...I say... you should keep it how you want. Your father isn't here, you don't need to try and please him."
"..." Sirius briefly laughs. "I don't know how I want it."
"..."
"Can you decide? What should I do?"
"I don't know if I should-"
"Please?"
"...I..." she doesn't know what to say.
-Should I really make this decision?
"Um, since you like the look of it..."
"Do you like the look of it?"
"Huh- uhm..." This is an unnecessarily hard conversation for her. She decides to answer truthfully. "I do."
A bright smile emerges on his features.
"Then I guess I'll keep it long then."
She gains a subtle discomfort from his sweet reply.
"..."
"I should probably get back to class, sorry for taking from your time." Rising up he grabs the rigid blade. "I should probably return this too." Knife in hand, his footsteps retract themselves from the room.
Seeing him walk away from her in this state again, she desperately wants to intervene.
"Sirius!"
"Yes?"
"I said that you could talk to me, didn't I?!"
Desperation reaches out to rip the boy out of his delusions.
But he doesn't hear it.
"I shouldn't bother you," he smiles. "I'll see you later!"
His pace hastens until he disappears from view.
Silently standing in the corridor, Aureole fiddles with her wristlet.
"It's me, isn't it? I'm doing something wrong. Sorry, Sirius... I don't know how to help you."