Once while at a party, I spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club
of avid listeners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, and obviously enthralling his audience. I went over to hearken to this fascinating speaker. I joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped
for a minute or two. Suddenly, it dawned on me: the fellow was
saying the most banal things! His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah,
but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion,
and therefore, he held the group spellbound. It convinced me that
it's not all what you say, it's how you say it.
"What's a Good Opening Line When
I Meet People?"
I am often asked this question, and I give them the same answer
a woman who once worked in my office always gave me. Dottie
often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I
was leaving for the sandwich shop, I'd ask her, "Hey Dottie, what
can I bring you back for lunch?"
51
How to Sound Like
You've Got a Super
Personality (No Matter
What You're Saying!)
✰11
02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 51
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
Dottie, trying to be obliging, would say, "Oh anything is fine
with me."
"No, Dottie!" I wanted to scream. "Tell me what you want.
Ham 'n' cheese on rye? Bologna on whole wheat, hold the mayo?
Peanut butter 'n' jelly with sliced bananas? Be specific. 'Anything'
is a hassle."
Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line
question is "Anything!" because almost anything you say really is
OK—as long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate.
How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are
OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you
break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.
Why Banal Makes a Bond
Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and
brilliant linguistic analyst of Japanese origin. He tells us this story
that shows the value of, as he says, "unoriginal remarks."11
In early 1943—after the attack on Pearl Harbor at a time when
there were rumors of Japanese spies—Hayakawa had to wait several hours in a railroad station in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He noticed
others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously.
Because of the war, they were apprehensive about his presence. He
later wrote, "One couple with a small child was staring with special uneasiness and whispering to each other."
So what did Hayakawa do? He made unoriginal remarks to
set them at ease. He said to the husband that it was too bad the
train should be late on so cold a night. The man agreed.
"I went on," Hayakawa wrote, "to remark that it must be especially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train
schedules were so uncertain. Again the husband agreed. I then
asked the child's age and remarked that their child looked very big
52 How to Talk to Anyone
02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 52
and strong for his age. Again agreement, this time with a slight
smile. The tension was relaxing."
After two or three more exchanges, the man asked Hayakawa,
"I hope you don't mind my bringing it up, but you're Japanese, aren't
you? Do you think the Japs have any chance of winning this war?"
"Well," Hayakawa replied, "your guess is as good as mine. I
don't know any more than I read in the papers. But the way I figure it, I don't see how the Japanese, with their lack of coal and
steel and oil . . . can ever beat a powerfully industrialized nation
like the United States."
Hayakawa went on, "My remark was admittedly neither original nor well informed. Hundreds of radio commentators . . . were
saying much the same thing during those weeks. But just because
they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side
so that it was easy to agree with."
The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like
genuine relief. His next remark was, "Say, I hope your folks aren't
over there while the war is going on."
"Yes, they are," Hayakawa replied. "My father and mother and
two young sisters are over there."
"Do you ever hear from them?" the man asked.
"How can I?" Hayakawa answered.
Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic.
"Do you mean you won't be able to see them or hear from them
until after the war is over?"
There was more to the conversation but the result was, within
ten minutes they had invited Hayakawa—whom they initially may
have suspected was a Japanese spy—to visit them sometime in
their city and have dinner in their home. And all because of this
brilliant scholar's admittedly common and unoriginal small talk.
Top communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first
words should be, like Senator Hayakawa's, unoriginal, even banal.
How to Sound Like You've Got a Super Personality 53
02 (043-92B) part two 8/14/03 9:17 AM Page 53
But not indifferent. Hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sincerity and passion.
Ascent from Banality
It is not necessary, of course, to stay with mundane remarks. If
you find your company displays cleverness or wit, you match that.
The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly. Don't rush
it or, like the Mensans, you seem like you're showing off. The bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own
triteness. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more
than your text.