You've been there. You're introduced to someone at a party or business meeting. You shake hands, your eyes meet . . . and suddenly
your entire body of knowledge dries up and thought processes
come to a screeching halt. You fish for a topic to fill the awkward
silence. Failing, your new contact slips away in the direction of the
cheese tray.
We want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling,
witty, and insightful. We want our listeners to immediately recognize how riveting we are. I was once at a gathering where everybody was sparkling, witty, insightful, and riveting. It drove me
berserk because most of these same everybodies felt they had to
prove it in their first ten words or less!
Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of
extremely bright individuals who score in the country's top 2 percent in intelligence, invited me to be a keynote speaker at their
annual convention. Their cocktail party was in full swing in the
lobby of the hotel as I arrived. After checking in, I hauled my bags
through the hoard of happy-hour Mensans to the elevator. The
doors separated and I stepped into an elevator packed with party
goers. As we began the journey up to our respective floors, the elevator gave several sleepy jerks.
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How to Start Great
Small Talk
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Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
"Hmm," I remarked, in response to the elevator's sluggishness, "the elevator seems a little flaky." Suddenly, each elevator
occupant, feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plus IQ,
pounced forth with a thunderous explanation. "It's obviously got
poor rail-guide alignment," announced one. "The relay contact is
not made up," declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshopper trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldn't wait to escape the attack
of the mental giants.
Afterward, in the solitude of my room, I thought back and
reflected that the Mensans' answers were, indeed, interesting. Why
then did I have an adverse reaction? I realized it was too much,
too soon. I was tired. Their high energy and intensity jarred my
sluggish state.
You see, small talk is not about facts or words. It's about music,
about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It's about
making comforting noises together like cats purring, children
humming, or groups chanting. You must first match your listener's
mood.
Like repeating the note on the music teacher's harmonica, top
communicators pick up on their listener's tone of voice and duplicate it. Instead of jumping in with such intensity, the Mensans
could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying,
"Yes, it is slow, isn't it?" Had they then prefaced their information
with, "Have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow?" I
would have responded with a sincere "Yes, I have." After a moment
of equalized energy levels, I would have welcomed their explanations about the rail-guard alignment or whatever the heck it was.
And friendships might have started.
I'm sure you've suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch.
Have you ever been relaxing when some overexcited, hot-breathed
colleague starts pounding you with questions? Or the reverse:
you're late, rushing to a meeting, when an associate stops you and
starts lazily narrating a long, languorous story. No matter how
interesting the tale, you don't want to hear it now.
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The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it
is to match your listener's mood, if only for a sentence or two.
When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your listener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it "Make a Mood
Match."
Matching Their Mood Can Make
or Break the Sale
Matching customers' moods is crucial for salespeople. Some years
ago, I decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend Stella.
It was going to be a triple-whammy party because she was celebrating three events. One, it was Stella's birthday. Two, she was
newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed her dream job.
She had been my buddy since grade school, and I was floating on
air over her birthday-engagement-congratulations bash.
I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an
attractive back room for parties. About 5 p.m. one afternoon, I
wafted happily into the restaurant and found the seated maître d'
languidly looking over his reservation book. I began excitedly babbling about Stella's triple-whammy celebration and asked to see
that fabulous back room I'd heard so much about. Without a smile
or moving a muscle, he said, "Zee room ees een zee back. You can
go zee eet eef you like."
CRASH. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all
the party spirit out of me, and I no longer wanted to rent his stupid space. Before I even looked at the room, he lost the rental. I
left his restaurant vowing to find a place where the management
would at least appear to share the joy of the happy occasion.
Every mother knows this instinctively. To quiet a whimpering
infant, Mama doesn't just shake her finger and shout, "Quiet
down." No, Mama picks baby up. Mama cries, "Ooh, ooh, oh,"
sympathetically matching baby's misery for a few moments. Mama
then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hush happy
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sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you
want them to stop crying, start buying, or otherwise come 'round
to your way of thinking