My head was spinning, going through the things I had witnessed that I never thought I'd live to see.
I was sure I had gone a step too far by letting her drag me into something I shouldn't be associated with and I was seriously starting to doubt my sanity for even staying in that room, more so riding in the passenger seat with her driving aimlessly around the five boroughs.
She hasn't said anything since we left, her eyes focused on the road while she smoked with one arm out the window and her long red hair whipping along the wind. I was tempted to ask questions but I knew too well she wouldn't answer them.
She dragged me all the way to a place where no one in their right mind should step foot in. Find a dead body. Had me witness a threesome. Meet someone who was probably a fugitive and was most certainly a pimp. I deserved something at least.
"Angel, please say something. My head is messing with me right now," I finally said.
She sighed, flicking off her cigarette before running a hand through her hair.
"Ask me."
"If I do, will you give me a real answer this time?"
She shrugged. "Depends on the question."
"What happened there?"
"Specifics, Rick."
"Who was that guy?"
"I already told you, he's a friend."
"How do you know him?"
She clicked her tongue against her teeth. "If I tell you, he'll kill you," she said, making it sound so simple and yet I wouldn't doubt she meant her words.
I was under no illusion that their vague exchange had been about falsifying an identity in order to avoid the authorities. Why, I honestly didn't want to know. There was something about that guy. A sense of danger that made me feel uneasy.
"You talked about a kid... his kid?"
"Yeah." She paused her a moment, as if considering how much to give me. "Her name's Lana. She's my godchild."
"So how come he owes you for her life?"
She sighed, pressing the back of her head against the head rest and I prayed she didn't slam her door on me again. I had to tread carefully and not push too far.
"He knocked up Lana's Mom, Nadine, who happened to be the wife of a psychotic Russian mobster," she began. "They killed her and were going to kill Lana next so I put her in an orphanage the Lastor Foundation runs until they were... dealt with. I got one of my people to take her in as a foster two years ago. They're rich as fuck and can give her a good life, better than what Leo can ever offer her. He's owed me a shit ton since then."
"You really did all that?"
She shrugged as if this whole ordeal was just nothing. As if saving a little girl's life was nothing.
"You must really care about him."
"I didn't do any of it for him," she said, scoffing. "I did it for the little girl I delivered in an abandoned warehouse in the middle of a fucking storm. I did it for the innocent child who got caught up in a war caused by her parents' mistakes. I did it for the bright, kind, strong, and beautiful woman she's going to be one day. Leo doesn't deserve or need my unconditional support and devotion but my godchild does. Her parents may have been fucked up people whose fucked up choices led them to a fucked up life but Lana is gonna do great things and she will have a wonderful fucking life. I know because I'm gonna make it happen."
For a brief moment, I was caught by her uncharacteristic and blatant show of genuine affection. I've only seen her show a hint of it while talking about her grandfather and even then, her resentment overshadowed her affection for him.
"So how come you said those things?" I asked.
"What things?"
I pursed my lips, remembering the words she had spoken with so much intent and malice.
"That you'll ruin her life."
She chewed on her lip for a moment, looking like she was thinking about it.
"I gave a mother my word that I will take care of her family till my last dying breath since her husband is an idiot who constantly puts their lives at risk. When a mother begs that of you on her death bed, you tend to take that shit seriously."
"You mean those people at the bar?"
"Yes."
I nodded, remembering the night I had caught a glimpse of a different side to Angel Lastor.
"Have you known them for long?"
"Feels like it sometimes," she said with a ghost of a smile on her lips. "Mikey is a pretty decent guy, stupid, but decent. Mindy is a lot like him. Fucking stupid and does shit without thinking. Worse thing is, they run away when they have to face the consequences. That's why I have to keep her in line. I don't want to bail her out of jail any time soon."
"I'm sorry, by the way."
She glanced at me, frowning. "For what?"
"For speaking without knowing anything that night."
"Oh. That." She snorted. "I'm over it."
"Still, I'm sorry for thinking wrongly of you. The things you've done for these people without asking for anything in return is admirable, Angel," I said sincerely.
"Stop doing that," she said tersely. "You keep trying to find ways to redeem me but just because I do a few good deeds doesn't mean I'm a saint. I'm not a good person, Rick. I've done bad things that can never be forgiven no matter how hard I repent."
"Have you..." I cleared my throat. "Have you killed someone before?"
"No," she said, sighing. "But murder isn't the worst crime someone can commit. I've done every terrible thing you can think of except murder and child abuse. Rape too. That's where I draw the line."
I tugged at my tie, suddenly feeling like it was choking me even as it hung loosely against my neck.
"What was the point of all this?"
"You asked for my story a while back." She shrugged, shifting and holding the wheel with her other hand. "What you saw tonight, it's barely half of what I've got. It was the only thing I could show you without putting you in danger. If I brought you to the depth of hells, you wouldn't come out the same person. I'm not even sure if you'll come out at all."
I looked at her but it was like looking at a blank canvas. I had nothing to get me going, just my imagination. She offered nothing but I knew she was just trying to keep me out. It was pathetic how used I was with her doing this to me.
"You really think so low of me, don't you?"
She sighed, rubbing a hand down her face, and I saw the exhaustion in her features. It was like she was always tired but still, she hid it so effortlessly that no one would be able to see beyond the mischievous front she constantly put up.
"No, Rick, I think you're better than me. Better than most people. That's why I don't want you in my fucked up life. You deserve better."
"You keep saying that but still, you keep pulling me in." I turned my head away. "You may have taken me there in an attempt to scare me into running for the hills but in reality, you were just trying to prove to yourself that no one would stay with you because you believe you're a bad person."
She scoffed. "That's the thing. I'm the worst there is. Nothing about me is good."
I shook my head in dismay. "You know deep down that's not true. You just refuse to admit to yourself that there's still something good left in you because if you do, it would mean there was still hope for you. That's why you hide behind cruelty and violence because if you do bad things, you don't have to try to save yourself." I looked at her. "But no matter how much you act like you're the worst scum on Earth, I will always see the selfless and honorable person you truly are. You treat people like shit and use the fear and power that comes with your name to oppress everyone you meet but by God, I've never met anyone as fiercely loyal as you. Your loyalty knows no bounds or condition and that, Angel, is your salvation."
She swerved the car and hit the brakes so abruptly I had to clutch the dashboard.
"The next train for Journal Square leaves in ten minutes," she said, her voice cold. "I suggest you get going."
I looked out the window and realized we were parked outside the 33rd Street Station.
"Wait." My brows furrowed in confusion. "Are you... are you serious right now?"
She shrugged. "I have somewhere to be."
I found myself laughing. "I can't believe you're doing this to me again. Actually, I can't believe myself for thinking this time would be any different," I said, more amused than enraged. "You know what? This is my fault. I keep falling for the little things and it makes me disregard the bigger picture. You're a cruel, manipulative, and selfish person, even if it is just an act. Even though it's not really you, you're still the one doing it. You've become the lies you tell people and you can't see the line between the real Angel and the lies anymore. You know, I honestly don't know what's sadder. The fact that being this character is killing you or that you don't know how to live without the elaborate lies."
She simply sat there, unfazed and blinking lazily, looking so bored it drove me insane.
"You done?"
I huffed out a breath. "Fuck you."
"Did it make you feel better to get all that crap off your chest?"
"Yes," I lied, regret and shame filling my conscience.
"Good for you then."
She flashed me an empty smile and lit up a cigarette. For a while, we sat there in silence and I just watched her take one long drag after another while she stared at the dashboard. After she finished her cigarette, I realized she was probably waiting for me to get out when all she did was sit quietly.
"Seriously? Nothing?" I finally asked. When she didn't respond, I scoffed. "Fine. I'll go."
As I unbuckled my seatbelt, she spoke, her voice so hush I wasn't sure she meant to say, "You need to stop trying to save me."
She turned her head to look at me, her demeanor revealing the exhaustion she's been failing miserably to hide.
"Everyone I meet always try to save me and when they realize they can't, they hate me for their failure and I'm just so sick of it. I never asked anyone to do anything. I don't want help. You can't fix me. You can't stitch me back together. You can't repair the damage inside me. Believe me, I've tried. So many times in so many ways for so many reasons but I still keep falling apart. I'm a hopeless cause and you have to accept that or you'll drive yourself mad trying to save me. I'm gone, Rick. The real Angel you keep looking fort, the one you actually want, she's gone and the little things that you keep falling for are only remnants of her but eventually, even those will fade away. The Angel who was kind, gentle, and good would have been so perfect for you but that's not me and you can't fall for someone that doesn't exist anymore. This is me now and being like this has allowed me to survive and yes, I hate it but I promised Jude I would live for him and I can't do that if I'm not like this. So please-"
She reached for me, holding either side of my face and pressing her forehead to mine as she shut her eyes.
"-please, sweetheart, stop trying to save me. I don't want you to hate me too."
I reached for her hesitantly, expecting her to pull away but when she didn't, I wrapped my arms around her. I wanted to say something but I couldn't find the words. I wanted to ease her pain but I had no idea how. I wanted to promise her I would stop trying to save her but I couldn't lie to her. I wanted to do something, anything at all, but I knew no matter what I did, it won't make any of this better and as she cried against me, I've never felt more useless in my life.
"I can't leave you like this," I said, not caring that I might end up regretting my words when she eventually pushed me away again. "Let me stay with you tonight."
"Why?" she asked, lifting her head to look at me. "After everything I've shown you, after everything I've said and done to you, why? Why would you want me with you? I'm so fucked up, Rick."
I sighed, wiping her tears with the cuff of my shirt. "Honestly, I'm finding it better not to ask myself those things anymore. Wanting you doesn't make sense. You're such a pain in the ass."
A weak laugh escaped her and I didn't even hate I was falling for the little things again.
"Let me stay, Angel," I whispered.
She bit her lip, her tear filled eyes conflicted. Before she could answer me, my phone started ringing. I took it out of my pocket, wincing at the sight of Jude's caller ID on the screen.
"It's your brother."
She muttered a curse. "Answer it. You won't get rid of him either way."
Reluctantly, I accepted the call.
"Hello?"
"She's with you, isn't she?"
I pursed my lips, glancing at Angel. "Who?"
"Don't fuck with me right now, bro."
I grimaced. "Yeah, okay. She's with me."
"Give her the phone."
I willingly held it out for her. She looked at it, her face souring.
"He wants to talk to you."
She straightened, taking a deep breath before accepting the phone.
"The fuck do you want?" She paused, rolling her eyes. "It's none of your business. Just fuck off. I'm on my way, I just needed to cool off."
I caught her tense before looking behind us and scanning the street.
"Ouais."
I frowned, following her gaze and finding a lone black SUV with dark tinted windows parked across the street a few feet behind us.
"Who's that?"
She shook her head and then she started speaking in French rapidly while I just sat there staring at her, not knowing one word that came out of her mouth. A moment later, she cut the call, tossing the phone to me.
"Make a choice," she said. "Go home or come with me."
"I'm coming with you."
She sighed. "Knew you'd say that." She yanked the keys from the ignition and opened the car door. "Follow me. Don't talk and keep your head down."
"Why?"
"What did I just say, babe?"
I shut my mouth and got out of the car, following behind her with my head down as she strolled towards the black SUV. Two men got out, dressed in sleek black suits with stoic looks on their faces. Angel tossed the keys to the Wraith to the driver and he caught it easily. The other man opened the passenger door and nodded at me. I glanced at Angel and she flicked a finger, gesturing for me to get in, as the driver spoke in her ear.
"Sir," I heard the other guy call.
I settled inside the car and watched their exchange from my seat. The driver was seemingly trying to convince Angel of something but she dismissed it with a careless wave of her hand.
He pulled his jacket aside to reveal a holstered pistol and when he tried to give it to her, she slapped the side of his head and cursed him vehemently. They looked in my direction and I quickly dropped my head, feigning to buckle my seatbelt.
When Angel got in the car, she wordlessly turned on the ignition, going above the legal speeding limit and making indiscriminate turns at every intersection while overtaking every car before us.
"What the hell is happening right now?" I demanded as I held on for dear life.
"Emergency. I need to lay low tonight," she replied. "We're going to one of my safehouses. We'll spend the night there."
"What? Why?"
"Call it a life and death situation." She passed me a glance. "It's a common occurence when you're around me. Now, turn your phone off and stop asking questions."