My mind was running all over the place as I drove while Mother sat in the passenger seat ranting about the new wife of one of her friends' ex-husband.
"Honestly, I can't believe Conrad threw away twenty years of marriage for that wretched salope," she spat. "But if you ask me, Ingrid is to blame for hiring the putain as a maid in the first place."
The back of my neck tingled with the familiar sensation of my fury becoming disturbed. I was used to Mother's habit of insulting those she deemed below her but there was just something in her words that ticked me off.
"Being a maid doesn't make someone a whore, Mother."
"But stealing someone's husband does."
I scoffed. "Isn't the reason why they got divorced is because Ingrid was sleeping with their son's friend, who I assume is a minor? Sounds to me Ingrid deserves more than bearing with the humiliation of watching her ex-husband's new wife walk around the club, considering she's technically a rapist."
"Jude! How could you say such things to your mother!"
I pursed my lips, suddenly feeling the urge to scream hypocrite.
"Forgive me," I said instead, rubbing a hand over my face. "I'm just a little stressed. I didn't mean to project it on you."
She sighed, reaching for my shoulder and rubbing it lightly.
"Is this about your business meeting? Did it not go well, cheri?"
I shook my head. "No, it went fine. We'll be meeting again next week to finalize the purchase," I said, sighing. "It's Angel. I'm worried about her."
"What did that bâtard do now?"
I took in a steadying breath. "We've talked about not using that word."
"But she is! She's just a bastard borne out of your father's wanton acts and should not have the privilege to be called our own!" she declared, her accent becoming thicker the way it often did whenever she lost her composure.
"Mother, please stop that," I pleaded.
"I just do not understand why you must keep on caring for that petite pute!"
I gritted my teeth to hold back my tongue at hearing her call my sister that incorrigible thing.
"All she does is hurt you but you still stay with her. Is it because of Josef? You do not owe that man your life, Jude. You shouldn't waste your life away to keep a promise to a dead man."
"That's not it and you know that."
"No, I don't. I truly don't. So why, hm? Tell me why you continue allow yourself to be ruined for that bâtard's benefit."
"Because she's my sister."
"She's your right hand," she corrected. "If I had been able to bear another child, she wouldn't even exist in our lives. She was born for one purpose, to serve you, not the other way around. You are the heir and she is nothing but a glorified slave."
"Enough!" I snapped, unconsciously raising my voice and causing her to pull away from me. I sighed, tightening my hold on the steering wheel. "She's my sister and I will always care for her. I don't expect you to understand and you can hate her if that gives you satisfaction, but at least accept that she's precious to me and stop being so cruel to her."
"And what of me then?" she asked in a trembling voice. "Is your mother not precious to you?"
"That isn't what I meant."
"But it is," she hissed. "Every time you choose her over me, you show how little I mean to you. You've given her so much already, more than she ever deserved, and you continue to give her more. It is as if your world revolves around her and that isn't fair for you," she cried, her face softening as she gently brushed my hair. "You do not deserve to suffer because of her mistakes."
"The only mistake she ever made was having a different mother. It's not even truly her fault and yet you've been punishing her for it all her life." I removed her hand from my face, sighing. "Stop hurting her before I run out of reasons to keep forgiving you. I can only ignore so much, Mother."
She pursed her lips and turned away. "You are my only child," she whispered. "I love you and I cherish you more than my own life, that is why I hate what she is doing to you."
I wanted to tell her that everything that Angel did to me, all the pain she caused me, I deserved them. I had hurt her a thousand times more when I abandoned her ten years ago and I had vowed to never do that to her again. But now she was the one who was leaving and there was a voice inside my head saying that she won't come back. Ever.
I've tried to brush it off but seeing her, being around her, all I saw was how desperate she was to leave. To escape. To disappear. I could let her. Grant her the freedom she's always wanted and let her live the life she deserved but the thought of her being alone with no one to watch over her, to care for her, it scared the shit out of me.
When she'd told me about Cambridge, I was more than just ecstatic. She deserved it and I was so proud of her. She always did things beyond what anyone would expect of her and she was the bravest person I knew. But still, the more days that had come and gone, the more hesitant I was about this big step she was making.
She was brilliant, I've always known that since we were kids. Even as I watched her surpass me in every way, I had nothing but pride for her achievements, but she kept on making the wrong decisions and I was afraid that she'd make another if I wasn't around to guide her.
I've promised her that I'll always have her back but she was growing up and so was I. We were both making something out of our pitiful lives and as much as I wanted to carry her on my back every time she fell, I knew I had to let her stand on her own and that fact terrified me because I had done it once.
I let her go because I was too much of a coward to keep fighting with her and I lost her as a result. It broke her. Led her to a path of destruction and whatever was left of her identity was gone. She became an entirely different person, someone filled with so much anger and hatred that it consumed her completely until she finally snapped and did something unspeakable.
It had happened six years ago, a few weeks after her high school graduation. All she did was lock herself up in her room, only showing up if she needed to and sneaking out in the middle of the night. By then, I already knew she had developed a disease that had the ability to destroy her but still, I kept my distance and would just wait for her come home at dawn before I let sleep take over me.
Until one time, when she was sneaking back in, Father found her. They spat at each other and he ended up beating her like he always did. I wanted to stop him but I couldn't. I just stood frozen at my door. I couldn't move myself. I couldn't help her even though I could see her through the small creak in the door. The worse thing about it was that she saw me. She stared at me, begging me to swoop in and help her, like a decent brother would, but she didn't say a word. She smiled at me instead and ever since then, her smiles had been haunting me.
Her cries echoed throughout the house but nobody dared to interfere. I could still hear her body hitting the walls and floors every time I visited. Hear Father calling her disgusting names and how he should have just killed her like he did with her mother.
I've known she came from a different mother before she was even born. My memory of that time had become distorted over the years, but I will always remember Vivien, her mother and the first friend I ever made.
She lived with us in the estate but she kept herself locked away in one wing of the house, and I was never allowed to go there. One time, when Mother and Father were away, I couldn't sleep because it was raining so much and I was afraid the thunder would break through the room. I'd gone out of my room to search for my nanny, when I saw Vivien sitting by the lake outside the house. I'd thought she was a ghost and ran screaming back to bed.
The following day, the storm continued ever harsher and I couldn't sleep again. When I left my room once more, I found Vivien out by the lake again, dancing in the rain while singing over the thunder.
I was captivated by her. I had grown up virtually alone in that empty house, surrounded by empty people who only ever offered empty gestures and she was the first thing I'd ever seen that had even a hint of life in her.
I had watched her lonesome performance from a distance, close enough to behold her but far enough that she wouldn't notice. She was so beautiful, smiling into nothingness as she sang her soul out in response to the raging storm. For a young boy that I was, she was clouded with mystery, and I followed her ever since.
For months, I would wait for my nanny to leave after tucking me into bed and then snuck out of my room. Vivien would often sit by the lake and I would sit behind her in a dark corner where I thought she couldn't see and she'd read aloud to herself. Her stories beguiled me and every night I would be filled with excitement wondering what would happen next but one time, I fell asleep on the ground.
She had woken me up and she smiled at me, the way Angel smiled, with one side of her lips curling up into a mischievous smirk. As my eyes wandered around her, a sight caught me, her stomach was bloated as if a ball was tucked underneath her night gown.
Vivien became my only friend there. I was never allowed out of the estate and when my nanny did take me on rare walks to the nearby park, the children at the playground would be too afraid to come near me because of my bodyguards. Vivien made it better with her stories. Mother was always out somewhere and Father was often busy with his work so I was always left alone.
Vivien often baked cakes and cookies for me. We would play video games and watch cartoons until the sun came up. Sometimes, we'd sneak away from the guards and go out to get ice cream whenever Mother and Father weren't around. It was our own little secret. Nobody knew besides us and I think that's what made it even more of an adventure.
Not long after, we had another company. She was such a small little thing, so innocent and so angelic. Her eyes were just as bright as Vivien's. They were filled with wonder as she took in the world around her. The first time I laid my eyes on her, I knew, she had been what I was missing. The thing that gave me life and filled the emptiness inside me. Vivien made me promise to be a good big brother to her and always keep her safe but it seems that I've only been failing.
A few days after Angel was born, I noticed Vivien was gone. When I asked my nanny about it, she scolded me and told me to never speak of her again and forget about her. I never did.
Days after Father's beating, Angel became worse. She stopped eating and would bribe the maids to bring her alcohol. I let her be. I was too stricken with guilt that I didn't know how to care for her anymore. So I gave up. Again.
But one day, I noticed I hadn't heard anything from her room. The maids informed me that she wasn't well and she wouldn't let them in anymore. I went up to confront her. I knocked on her door, banged even, but she wouldn't answer. I kicked her door open and found her in the bathroom.
There were shattered glasses everywhere and cigarette butts on the floor. And then there she was, as the center of such a sickening attraction, all pale and lifeless, as she laid in the tub filled with water tainted red with her blood.
I'd screamed as I ran to her and quickly pulled her out of the tub. That was when I saw her wounds. Cuts. All over her body. Her arms, her legs, her neck, her stomach. God, the cut on her stomach was so wide that her guts were practically spilling out of her. She looked like she had been butchered.
She was barely breathing and her cold lifeless body was limp against my arms, her bloodied hand gripping a piece of broken mirror.
I felt foolish for leaving her alone when I was the only one she had, thinking that I couldn't do anything about it, because I could have. I just let her be taken over by the darkness she feared so much and I was so afraid that I'd truly lost her then.
She didn't wake up for a week and when she did, she wouldn't see anyone. She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't even speak. And when she finally did let me in, I could see in her eyes how angry she was. She asked me why I couldn't just let her go, blabbered about how stupid I was for doing what I did. She could have been dead, she said, she would have been dead if it weren't for me. But she said it not in gratitude but out of spite.
She wasn't the little Angel that I used to tell stories to. She wasn't my sister anymore. She barely even looked like her. All this girl was, it wasn't my little Angel. Ever since then, she pushed me further and further away but I never relented. I wouldn't give up on her. I've failed her once and I almost lost her. I couldn't care less if she hated me for doing what I did. It kept her with me, alive and breathing. I will always rather that than her cold lifeless body.
* * *
I strode through the entrance of the hospital, ignoring the large flat screen TV on the lobby as it played on loop an ad of me reciting the mission statement of our hospitals and urging people to lay their lives in our hands.
I noticed a group of young residents huddled by the front desk as I made my way to it and one of them caught sight of me. I noticed his eyes widen in recognition and he frantically relayed the information to his colleagues who immediately turned their heads to look at me.
Pursing my lips, I went to stand beside them, ignoring the feel of their eyes boring into me. I probably should have worn a cap over my head to avoid attracting attention.
I was about to speak when I heard one of the female residents mumble, "He's so pretty."
Pretty? Me? How dare you.
I glanced at them and found them staring at me still. My patience rapidly shortening, I decided to take a page out of my sister's guidebook on How To Get Rid Of Unwanted Attention.
"One-hundred thirty-five thousand and six-hundred twenty-four." I tilted my head, smiling faintly. "That's the number of applicants we received this year for a spot in our medical internship program," I said, casually glancing at each one of their name tags. "How easy it would be to have all four of you removed and replaced within the hour if you insist on pointlessly standing around the lobby in the middle of your shifts."
A horrified look appeared on their faces and they immediately muttered apologies before quickly running off, practically stumbling on their feet.
I cleared my throat and greeted the woman behind the desk with a polite smile.
"I'm looking for Dr. Frederick Richardson. Is he around?"
The receptionist gawked at me for a moment before nodding.
"I'll… page him... for you," she whispered slowly.
"I'd appreciate that. Thank you."
A few minutes later, I caught Rick rushing out of an elevator. He frowned at the sight of me.
"Jude," he said, approaching me. "What are you doing here?"
I shrugged. "I was hoping you could join me for lunch."
He eyed me for a moment, looking suspicious.
"I thought there was an emergency since I was paged to come immediately."
He glanced at the receptionist who was staring at us before rolling his eyes.
"But of course, it's just you."
"Oh, were you busy? I can wait."
He snorted. "Right. You're here and I have a feeling I know why. Let's get this over with."
I nodded. "Very well. Shall we go?"
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Sure. Let me just get my wallet."
"Oh. Don't worry about that."
He pursed his lips, probably because he didn't like being paid for same way I didn't but still, he nodded. We made our way to the parking lot, ignoring the employees who would stop and stare at me.
"You could have just called," Rick muttered. "I was doing well being lowkey around here. Now they know I'm associated with you."
I frowned, catching the look of irritation on his face. "Is there something wrong about being associated with me? We've been friends for years, Rick. I sure hope you don't have any hidden resentment towards me."
He rolled his eyes. "You're like a brother to me, man, but no offense, being associated with you has its downfalls. You're Jude Lastor. Your face is plastered all over the hospital and you're next in line for the throne. Some of my colleagues already met Angel and are assuming I'm dating her. They even think I got my job through her."
I quirked a brow at that. "Are you dating her?"
He pursed his lips, passing me a wary glance and I chuckled, patting his back lightly.
"Relax, Rick. I'm not here to kick your ass."
He sighed, stretching his neck. "I'm not dating her. We're just..." he trailed off and I raised my brows expectantly. "I honestly don't know what we are."
I was tempted to ask what they've both been up to but I held myself back. Angel deserved a bit of privacy from me. Even though I practically invaded every inch of her life without her knowledge, but I only did it for her own protection.
"How is she?" Rick suddenly asked as he sat in the passenger seat of my car. "I haven't seen her since the fundraiser. I've left her messages, but I haven't heard back from her."
I glanced at him, seeing the look I've seen on so many people. A look that meant she was inside them and I knew too well they couldn't get her out. Normally, I'd leave it be, but Rick was a friend and I couldn't watch him fall to ruin like those people eventually did. But I wasn't sure what to do. I've never seen anyone survive my sister.
At first, I tolerated letting him be around her because I noticed she responded well to him and he seemed to genuinely care about her. She needed that. To have someone not hesitate to do what was good for her and deny her of her whims. But now look at him, he was miserable. All because he couldn't prevent letting her get inside his head.
"She does that sometimes, disappearing," I said. "It happens when she's in pain."
"She's always in pain."
I managed to smile. "Yes, but when she can't bear with it anymore, she goes away to forget the pain. She often seeks out Andrea when she needs a distraction. They've been together the past few days. Last I heard, they just got back from Kansas."
"Who's Andrea?"
"Her best friend," I muttered bitterly.
I hated it when those two were together because they either ended up in a jail cell or in bed together, but I also knew that Andrea was the one Angel relied on for solace. I couldn't deprive her of that.
Rick nodded, running a hand through his hair. "Did she tell you about what I did?" he said, his voice quiet.
My hold on the steering wheel tightened. "What did you do?"
He stiffened, glancing at me warily. "I touched her scars."
I halted the car in a sudden jolt. This piece of shit.
I reached over and yanked at the front of his scrubs, gripping it tightly. I didn't even hesitate. I let a fist land on his jaw.
"How dare you do that to her!" I bit out, landing another blow on him.
"I'm sorry!"
"Do you have any idea what those things do to her?" I snarled, tempted to bash his head against the dashboard but let him go instead.
He let out a harsh breath, rubbing a hand over his face. "I do. Now, I do. I... god, I feel like shit. I didn't know it was that bad for her. She never tells me anything!"
"It's because she doesn't trust people and the fact that you even got close enough to touch those things means she trusted you. She fucking trusted you!"
I hit him again. He let me. His compliance only made me want hit him more.
"Every fucking time she sees those things on her body, she experiences it all over again. Can you imagine how excruciating that is for her? To be reminded every day of her failed suicide attempt? And you touched her? She's never even touched them herself! How insensitive could you be to put her through that!"
I caught him freeze, his eyes widening as he looked at me.
"What?"
I sighed, cursing myself inwardly for letting my emotions take over me but still, his ignorance had allowed him to hurt her. Sparing him this one piece of information could prevent Angel from suffering any more pain in the future.
"Six years ago, Angel was in a car accident. You visited the hospital, do you remember that?"
He frowned, nodding. "I heard in the news that she was in a coma and it wasn't likely she would wake up. I wanted to see how you were holding up since I knew you were close to her."
I shook my head, trying to cast away the memory of that horrible time.
"The car accident was just a cover up," I confessed. "In reality, she attempted suicide by cutting several major arteries. When I found her, she had lost over 70% of her blood and her heart was no longer beating. I got her to the hospital just two minutes before it would have been too late but she still suffered from hypovelemic shock and had slipped into a comatose state. Our family told the press she had gotten into a car accident to avoid a scandal."
Rick seemed stunned, staring at the road unblinkingly. He was quiet for a moment, as if he was trying to grasp the information I had just given him.
"I had theories, you know," he said after a while. "That she had accumulated them from fights. Or that she used to self-harm. But I never let myself consider that she had attempted suicide. It was too morbid."
He groaned, clutching his head as he bent over.
"Every time I touch her, she would freeze up and I could see the panic in her eyes. But then she snorted fucking cocaine in front of me and I just lost it. I told her not to do it but she didn't listen and started saying all this shit. And god, she was screaming in her sleep like someone was trying to kill her. She was in so much pain. I just... why is she like this? Who did this to her? It's driving me crazy," he rambled, gripping fistfuls of his hair.
For a moment, I just looked at him, his words registering at the back of my mind. He was done for it.
"You need to end this thing that you have with her, Rick," I said, my voice calm.
He stilled, looking over his shoulder and setting his eyes on me.
"What?"
I shook my head, sighing as I leaned back against my seat.
"I'd lay my life down for her. Sacrifice even my own for hers. But I'm not going to deny the fact that she's destructive. Everything and everyone she touches gets ruined. She doesn't mean to do it but it happens. She can't control it. She's just filled with far too much anger and she ends up hurting the people around her. What makes it worse is that she hates it. She hates hurting people. It's so bad, Rick."
This has been the only time I ever got to speak out about her. For years, I've been alone in this, and I still had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was, I needed to protect her from getting hurt even more.
I turned my head to look at him, seeing him regarding me intently, confusion evident in his eyes.
"She'll hurt you. I'm sure she told you that already. She always says it to everyone she meets. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Letting you spend more time with her would be a mistake and I need you to end things with her. Stop seeing her. Stop talking to her. Stop letting her pull you in. Everything. You're already miserable and you haven't seen everything yet. Trust me, Rick. You don't want to."
I wasn't only protecting my sister but him too. If he stayed around, I wasn't sure if he'd be able to hold onto who he was before he met her. Angel ruined people. It was a fact I had grown to loathe.
He looked at me for a moment before straightening, facing me with a determined look on his face.
"I'm not leaving her," he said firmly. "I can't turn my back on her anymore."
I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to cut through him. "Have you fallen for her, Frederick?"
He swallowed hard, looking away and I feared it was already too late to pull him out of the pit he had foolishly thrown himself into when he decided to pursue my sister.
"I'm trying not to because I know what will happen if I do, but I can't help it." He sighed, shaking his head, "She's in so much pain and I just want to take it all away."
His words pissed me off.
"Don't love her out of sympathy, Rick. She doesn't need anyone's pity," I spat.
"I don't pity her." He shook his head. "She's strong. I see that. She's so strong that she's willing to fight this alone instead of letting other people in. But I also know she's tired. It makes me sick how someone could have done this to her."
The constant rage inside me became unsettled at the mere mention of that someone. Someone who I happened to call my father. He did this to her, years of breaking her, ripping her apart, torturing her. I may have broken her heart when I left her but he turned her into this person. Made her want to destroy everything inside her in a desperate attempt to make the pain disappear. I could have stopped it, prevented any of this from happening, but I was too much of a coward to do it. All I did was watch my sister slowly disappear until all that was left of her was a shell.
"She's sick," I said. "You've seen it. Her addiction is so far gone that she can't go on a day sober. It drives her insane and she'll do anything to get her fix. Even hurt the people around her. Do you really want that kind of person in your life, Rick?"
He didn't answer, he just turned his head to face the window, his hands curled into fists as they laid on his thighs.
"She can be selfish and cruel, but I still see good in her. It's small, but it's enough to give me hope that she can still get better. I just need to make her see that."
I sighed, rubbing a hand over my face, trying to figure out how to make him realize he was on his way to a suicide mission. But in all the years I've known him, I'd never seen him turn his back on others. Even when it cost him more than what he might have initially thought, he was always willing to give anything and everything.
He was a lot like my sister in that regard, sefless and loyal to a fault. Because of that, I could not just watch him lead himself to ruin. I couldn't save Angel from it, but I might be able to spare him. I had to try.
"She's not good for you," I insisted. "She's going to take over your life so completely that you won't be able to sleep or eat, even breathe, without thinking of her. You'll just keep wondering where she is at two in the fucking morning, wondering if she hurt herself, if she's cold or passed out in some bathroom stall lying in her own vomit, or if she even ate enough food to vomit. Every time she walks out the front door, all I do is wait for her and she always comes back a little worse than when she left. You don't want that life, Rick. It'll kill you inside."
"Then why do you let her do this to herself?" he bit out harshly. "Why do you keep letting her run around and ruining her life? Why aren't you doing anything to save her?"
I reined in my temper. He was speaking without any grounds, only what he knew, which was barely a fraction of the entire story. He didn't need to know more.
"Because I can't save her if she won't let me."
I shook my head, screwing my eyes shut as the familiar pain clenched my chest whenever I let myself acknowledge my sister's situation. It was killing me day by day.
I blew out a harsh breath and snapped my eyes open, keeping my emotions at bay. It never did well to let those things take over.
"I use every resource that I have to protect her. I track her vehicles. Her phone. Her credit cards. I even have people watching her 24/7. She doesn't know. She'll probably never talk to me again if she did."
I laughed humorlessly as I dragged my fingers through my hair.
"Sometimes, I'd just sit and watch her movements while she's out doing God knows what. I never follow her. I used to but she's too smart. She caught me once and stopped talking to me for a few months. She always uses that fucking trick whenever she's pissed at me."
Sometimes, I wanted to hate her. It would be easier to hate her because loving my sister meant bearing with all of this. All the pain. All the suffering. All the hiding. I've wanted to give up on her for so many times but then I'd be reminded of the consequence the first time I gave up on her. She nearly died. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she died because I was too selfish to accept the responsibility of being the reason behind this.
If only I hadn't left her alone, it wouldn't have come to this. She wouldn't have gotten worse. But I left her and I let her suffer on her own.
"Do your parents know about her? About all of this?"
He just had to ask that fucking question.
I forced a laugh. "She's been like this for half of her life. Of course they know."
"Then why aren't they putting a stop to this?" he said almost in disbelief.
They knew. Didn't mean they cared. Why would they when they were the ones who caused her the most pain?
I sighed, finding it harder to speak without disclosing any information that he shouldn't know.
"It doesn't matter why anymore," I forced myself to say. "If you're staying, you don't get to leave when things gets worse. She doesn't deserve to be abandoned by another person she allowed to be in her life."
"I won't do that to her," he said gravely.
I sighed, nodding, resigned to the fact that he'd rather suffer the same life I had than save him. Unlike him, I had a responsibility over her. Even if I didn't, she was worth the suffering. If all this led to her finally breaking out of the misery she was in, then I'd gladly take everything.
"You can leave if she tells you to but until then, you'll take everything that she gives."
I reached for the glove compartment, taking out the brown envelope and tossing it on his lap.
"That's an NDA. It forbids you from sharing any information related to our family. I don't know how much you know, but the longer you stay around, the more you'll discover that Lastors are the most fucked up people you've ever met. Read it before you sign it so you know the consequences if you ever say a word about us to anyone."
He scanned to papers for a moment before looking at me. "What are you hiding?"
I offered an apologetic smile. "The reason why Angel Lastor is the way she is."
He pursed his lips, looking at the stack of papers again.
"Give me a pen."