I awoke to the sound of myself screaming and I sprung up in a jolt, breathless, my head running a mile as it offered me glimpses of my father. Beating me. Drowning me. Torturing me.
I let out another scream as I hit my head, wanting to break my skull open to make the wretched images go away.
"Angel..." a voice called and then I felt something touch me.
I jumped, crawling away from it in fear of still being stuck in that awful memory.
"It's me. It's Rick."
I blinked my eyes repeatedly as his face registered in my mind. I groaned, dropping my head and fisting at my hair as pain drummed in my skull.
"I'll get you some water."
"No. Leave me alone," I bit out, hating that he had witnessed me in such a state again.
"I'm not doing that."
I groaned in frustration, throwing the duvet aside and heading for the bathroom. I entered the shower stall, letting the harsh jets of water rain down on me and I sighed as the freezing temperature gradually calmed me enough to breathe.
We're okay. It's just a dream. We're okay.
I slid to the floor, the clothes I had no recollection of putting on clinging to my body but I didn't care. I tilted my head back as I leaned against the wall, the harsh stream of water piercing my skin but it felt better than the agony clawing its way out of me.
When I opened my eyes, I caught sight of Rick standing by the door, watching me with an unreadable expression on his face. I couldn't read what he was thinking as he watched me pathetically fight through the pain. I was past caring. He can go fuck himself.
"Enjoying the show, sweetheart?" I chuckled humorlessly, pushing my hair off my face. "Isn't it lovely to wake up in the morning to the sound of me screaming the house down? It's the most effective alarm clock there is. Jude can vouch for that."
I laughed, banging the back of my head against the wall as I closed my eyes again.
"Feel free to leave. I don't care."
"Here."
I opened my eyes, seeing him standing outside the shower stall, holding out a towel.
"You shouldn't stay too long in there or you'll get sick."
For some unknown reason, anger ripped right through me.
I sprung to my feet, shoving him away from me.
"What the fuck do you want from me, huh?!" I snapped, seething with fury. "What? Are the fucks too good to walk away from? Or is it the perks? What! Fucking tell me! Why can't you just fuck off and go back to your perfect life! Tell me! What. Do. You. Want!" I shrieked hysterilly as I shoved him again and again but he would not fucking move.
He started slapping himself. "Is this what you need, huh?" he screamed at me as he slapped his face repeatedly. "Go ahead! Hit me!"
"Fuck you!" I screamed back at him, shoving him.
He caught my wrists, pushing me up against the wall.
"You can do anything with me. Let out everything on me. I'll take it all and more, because I care about you and I'd rather be your punching bag than watch you drown on your own. So use me all you want. You can even hate me if it makes it easier, but don't ever belittle my intentions. I don't fucking deserve it," he snarled, pushing himself off me. "I'll go get us breakfast."
He left the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I screwed my eyes shut, taking in a ragged breath as I gritted my teeth, holding myself back from breaking into a fit of screams and pathetic sobs.
He was driving me even crazier than the demons in my head. I would have laughed at it if I wasn't so angry. I fucking hated having him with me. I hated standing beside him and be reminded of what I wasn't and couldn't ever be. Of what I could never have.
I stayed in the shower, letting the freezing cold water calm me as I took in conscious breaths. I emptied my mind. Fighting the constant battle I had to face every waking moment of my life. I was so tired of this shit. I just wanted it to end already. But like an idiot, I was holding on. I wasn't even doing it for myself, which made me even more of an idiot.
I was starting to crave. I hated the cravings. I hated how pathetically weak I was that I couldn't fight them. I always succumbed. I always chose to let them win instead of fighting.
I caught sight of my boots set by the bedroom door and I crawled towards them, searching my left boot for the bag of snow. I took it out, curling my fist around the damn thing. The thing that could keep me going. It was pathetic.
I laughed bitterly, angry tears escaping my eyes as I went back to the bathroom, pouring out enough white powder on the sink to keep my demons at bay and sated. Until the next fix. And the next. It was an unending cycle that I couldn't break away from.
I took a crumpled bill from the pocket of my coat and rolled it, my fingers trembling as I held it while staring down at the white powder on the tiled sink. It was as if the damned thing was taunting me. Telling me that I couldn't ever break out of the hold it had on me. Telling me that I couldn't live without it.
I was crying like a fucking idiot, but still, I didn't make a sound. I was good at that. Suffering in silence. I've been doing it all my life.
I raked a hand through my hair as I lifted my head to face the mirror, the gut wrenching sight of my reflection greeting me and yet, I barely knew the girl staring back at me. I hated it. I hated what my reflection reminded me of. That woman. That fucking whore who did this to me. The one who pushed me out of her cunt and threw me away. The one who never wanted me. Fuck her. If she wasn't dead, I would've gladly killed her.
I took a steadying breath, pushing away the dark thoughts my demons were feeding me, taking advantage of my weakness. I bent over the sink, preparing to take a hit when a voice came in the room.
"Don't do it," Rick said.
I ignored him. He can go fuck himself. I took the line. Sniffing it. Shoving it up my nose.
I bet it was a once in a lifetime sight, to see Angel Lastor on the verge of falling apart and snorting a line of snow to keep herself together. People would pay good money to see this shit.
I inhaled sharply, letting out a satisfied breath as I tilted my head back, closing my eyes and waiting for the drug to hit my fucked up head and make the voices go away.
They didn't.
I curled my fingers around the edges of the sink, fighting the urge to rip myself apart. They've been enjoying making me miserable more than usual, not sparing me even a second of silence unless I was freezing myself to death because they still couldn't swim. I didn't know what to do anymore. The drugs could barely tame them and the alcohol made shit worse but at least it helped me sleep at night.
I was so fucking tired of this shit.
"So you're just going to keep doing this to yourself, huh?" Rick said.
I forced a laugh, a bitter empty laugh. "You think I enjoy this?"
I opened my eyes, grinning as I turned my head to look at him.
"I fucking hate it," I hissed, wanting to break something, hurt someone. Destroy everything. "Just fuck off if you're going to stand there judging me because you think you know shit. You fucking don't. If you did, you wouldn't even be here anymore."
I strode out of the bathroom, shoving him aside. He yanked me back, his arms coming around me. I didn't fight him. It would just humor him. I was so sick of dealing with him.
"What do you want from me, Frederick?" I said weakly.
He pulled me closer to him, pressing my back against his chest and I fought the urge to run as I stood motionless.
"I want you to let me in."
I let out a mocking laugh. "And what? So you can help me? So you can save me?" I scoffed. "I don't need another wanna be hero wasting his goddamn time on me. You and Jude are the same. Fucking blinding yourselves. I know you see it. I'm past the point of saving but you just won't accept it. Why won't you just fuck off and get a life? I don't need you in mine," I spat, ripping his arms off me and marching towards the closet.
"It's not too late, Angel. You can be better. You owe it to yourself to be better," he said from behind me.
"I owe it to myself to die."
"Stop saying that. Death is not the solution to something temporary. You can-"
"Temporary?"
I whirled around to face him, seething with rage.
"You think this shit is temporary?"
I shoved him, wanting to keep pushing him away until he was out of my life.
"If this was fucking temporary then why the fuck won't it fucking end? How long do I have to keep waking up like a scared little bitch? How much more do I have to suffer? Answer me! If you know so much about it then answer me because I've been bending over backwards trying to find out!" I screeched, beating my fists against his chest. "Tell me! Why won't it fucking end?"
"It won't end because you keep running away from it instead of facing it! You need help, Angel! Accept it!"
I let out a loud boisterous laugh, clutching my stomach as I howled hysterically, tears prickling the corners of my eyes as my chest tightened with the kind of pain I was so used to.
"Oh my God, you really are an idiot!"
I laughed, pausing to look at him, seeing the anger in him as if he was pissed that I wouldn't accept his help.
"You think you know me, don't you?" I mocked, grinning as I snickered. "You think just because I showed you a few things, you know me." I scoffed, losing all humor. "I chose to show those things. What you know is what I want you to know. You think you're so special, that you're different from every other person who's ever been with me, but you're not." I shook my head. "You mean nothing to me. You're just another desperate fool wanting a taste of what it's like to be with the Angel Lastor. You think you're the first person who's ever wanted to save me? Sweetheart, I've had every shape and form of every knight in shining armor begging to show me the world. Begging to be my salvation."
"Stop," he interjected.
"Everyone loves it. Being with the messed up chick and thinking they can be the hero. It's so predictable. And you know what else is predictable?" I smirked, raking my eyes over him. "You're falling in love with me. I see it. You never hide your emotions and you act purely on it. It's pathetic how an honest man let himself be blinded with something as shallow as a pretty face."
I turned away from him, going over to the rack of clothes.
"You can leave. I've had my fix of you. I'll find another toy to play with, someone who actually knows how to play. Go home, Rick. I don't need you here."
He was quiet, just standing behind me and staring at my back. It was unsettling but I just ignored him. It was what I should have done from the moment we met. If I had done that, he wouldn't have existed in my life.
"You're a really sad person, Angel," I heard him say. "I pity you."
I paused, my hands gripping the clothes I was holding.
"You cover yourself up with pretty smiles and clever tricks but when someone actually cuts through your bullshit, you get scared so you use cruelty to protect yourself. Too bad I don't buy any of the shit you show me. I see right through you, Angel. You're nothing but a scared little girl with demons to fight and you're too much of a coward to face them. That's why you use drugs so you don't have to live your life. You can't even handle me asking you something as simple as who the fuck turned you into this cold hearted bitch."
I glanced at him, seeing him looking at me in disdain, his eyes practically dripping with disgust directed at me. The hatred churned my gut.
"You're so damaged, not even the amazing sex and pretty face can make up for that. It's pathetic how loud you scream for help while you're asleep and go on pretending you're so tough when you're awake. You're full of crap. It's pathetic," he spat, his voice cold, sharp, piercing through me and digging deep, bleeding me dry. "Tell me, do you like being alone? Because no one could ever stand being with someone like you."
I swallowed hard as he came closer to me. I didn't move. I didn't want to satisfy him with running away.
"Come on. Answer me. Where's your tongue, Angel? Did you lose it? I thought you were tough. Why do you like you're about to run again?"
I pursed my lips, my breathing ragged as my throat tightened. He yanked at my shirt, a gasp escaping me as he pulled me towards him.
"What? Scared?"
"Get away from me." I hissed.
He snorted. "Why? Because my words are getting to you? Messing with you? Hurting you? Not nice is it? To have someone pushing you to the edge."
He pulled my shirt open, the buttons popping off.
"You hide behind this massive wall, thinking it can protect you from the world. It's pathetic. You're pathetic."
He placed his hands on my body and I stiffened at the feel of him touching my scars.
"This right here is where your walls can't protect you. You think you're so strong but you're not. Your weakness is so easy to see. So easy to use," he said, mocking me as he slid his palms back and forth my torso, taunting me as he touched my scars. "You did this, didn't you?"
"Stop it," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "Please, stop."
I gritted my teeth, my eyes screwing shut as the pain came to me, reminding me of the memory of myself cutting myself open with a piece of mirror until I filled the tub with blood.
"Enough," I cried.
I tried to move away but he grasped either side of my head, holding me in place. I was shaking, the pain and panic becoming too much to bear. I tried to breathe but my chest was clenched so tightly I could feel myself suffocating.
"I'm going to break you open, Angel Lastor," he hissed, his harsh breath fanning my face. "And when I find all the broken pieces you're hiding, I'm going to put them back together. Even if it means taking the pain that comes with being ruined by you."
He pulled away, taking a step back.
"Now get dressed and join me for breakfast."
I kept my eyes closed until I heard the door shut behind him and let out a gasp of breath, wrapping my arms around myself as I stood in the ruins of the walls that he had so easily demolished, the voices in my head screeching and clawing their way out of me.
* * *
I joined Rick in the courtyard as he ate breakfast, not bothering to say a word as I sat across from him, too humiliated to say anything.
This man had so easily wrecked me and what made it even more humiliating was that I didn't do anything. Couldn't. Not with him using my scars to his advantage.
It was unnerving, the thought that he knew so much. Too much. He knew how to break me. He knew where to push. Where to hit. What to say.
I was tempted to walk out the door and leave him. I should have done it. I doubted he'd stop me but I feared what he'd do with the information I had unwittingly given him. I couldn't trust him anymore.
He ate in silence, his face unreadable as he stared at me while sipping on his cup of coffee. I tried to ignore him but his intent gaze only served to worsen my anxiety.
"Your bruises," he suddenly said. "How did you get them?"
I pursed my lips, consciously tousling my hair to cover the bruises on my face. Some had been from my fights in the Pit and others had been from the beating Father had given me yesterday as punishment for speaking to the press during Jude's graduation. I was lucky enough that Jude managed to stop him before he got really started and I only suffered minor injuries and a few bruises that could easily be covered by makeup.
"Got into fights," I answered curtly.
He glanced at my hands, inspecting my healing knuckles. "I'm starting to think fighting is your outlet for your pain."
I shook my head. "I drink for pain. I fight for release."
"Release from what exactly?"
I sighed. "Everything."
"There are better and far more effective ways to do that."
I managed to smile, inspite of it. "You've obviously never beaten the living hell out of someone."
"I'm not a violent person."
"Could've fooled me."
His jaw clenched, shame appearing on his face. "Angel-"
He reached for my hand and I flinched when the tips of his fingers touched my skin, instinctively pulling away.
"Don't touch me," I snapped, panic filling me.
He was about to speak when Luis came beside me, holding a phone.
"Master Jude wishes to speak with you."
I immediately sprung to my feet and grabbed the phone, walking a few feet away from the table.
I let out a steadying breath before speaking, "Yo."
"Are you okay?"
I closed my eyes briefly. "Of course."
He let out a breath of relief. He always worried too much.
"Have you eaten?"
"I'm eating right now. You need something?"
"Yes, actually," he said almost hestitantly. "There's a fundraising gala today that the governor is hosting. Father can't attend since he's going to London for some business but he's donated an heirloom for the auction and he wants you to present it on his behalf."
I relaxed. Last night when he called, he had told me Father was wreaking havoc all over the house when he found out I had gone and had ordered for me to be brought to him.
Hiding from his wrath might spare me now, but I knew, I had to face my punishment eventually. This ploy to get me out in the open was just an attempt to create an opportunity for him to snatch me away from Jude. He knew my brother would never break character in public.
"What time do you need me?" I asked.
"The benefit starts at five," Jude asnwered. "I'll have the stylist bring a selection of dresses for you."
"Alright. Anything else?"
He sighed, taking a moment's hesitation. "Mother said you'll be bringing Andre Gustav as your date."
I bit my lip, running a hand through my hair. Mother's been making me take that asshole to social gatherings more often these days, just so she'd have an excuse to fuck him in the sidelines, using the fact that I was obliged to solidify our supposed relationship in the media to her advantage. More than once, she had me guard the door for them.
"I can tell Mother that I don't approve of it," Jude suggested. "He's too... crude. I never liked that guy."
I snorted at his proper way of saying that Andre was a first class pervert who'd get hard for anything with tits and a cunt.
I caught Rick glance at me and I turned away from him.
"Do whatever you want," I said dismissively.
"Very well. I'll tell Mother you already have a date then."
"All I have to do is show up, right?"
"You also have to present the donation," he said, sighing. "Father ordered it. I'd rather not humor him, but it would be best not to provoke him further, considering the current situation."
"It's fine. I can handle it."
"If anything happens during the event, let me take care of it. And please, no sneaking out today. I need you within my sight until this thing blows over."
I rolled my eyes. "I got it. That all?"
"Are you bringing Rick?"
I looked over my shoulder, finding him with his attention on his phone.
"I'll ask him."
"Ask him now so I can prepare a suit for him."
I bit my lip, gripping the receiver. "Rick?" I called reluctantly.
He raised his head, setting his phone aside. I pursed my lips, averting my eyes to the ground.
"I'm attending a fundraiser. Would you... would you like to come with me?" I asked, cursing myself for sounding like a little bitch.
He cleared his throat and I glanced at him, seeing him think for a moment.
"I'm actually visiting my parents today. What time is it going to be?"
"It's start at five."
He wiped a hand over his mouth, sighing. "I'm sorry. I can't. My parents live in Southampton. I don't think I'll make it back in time."
I nodded in understanding. "He can't come," I told Jude. "Andre can come then. I don't mind. Tell Mother I'll meet him there."
"Understood," Jude replied.
"Wait," I heard Rick call. I glanced at him. He pursed his lips, looking at me for a moment. "You know what? I'll just visit them next week. I'll go with you."
I frowned. "You don't have to."
"I'm going with you," he insisted.
I sighed in resignation. "Rick's coming with."
"Should I be aware of something, Gel?" Jude asked rather accusingly.
"What do you mean?"
"About you and Rick."
I pursed my lips. "It's nothing."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Is that all?"
"Alright. I'll ha-"
I cut the call and handed the phone back to Luis. I sighed as I closed my eyes briefly, massaging my temples. I was so fucking tired.
"Hey..." I heard Rick call as he approached me.
I flinched, backing away. He caught it and stopped mid-step, frowning.
I didn't mean to do it. It's just that I couldn't expect anything when I was around him. I was afraid of him touching me again.
"You look scared," he murmured.
I curled my hands into fists, tucking my head low, hating how he could easily see through me. It was unnerving and the anxiety was becoming unbearable.
"Angel, I'm sorry for what I did," he said, sounding truly apologetic.
I lifted my head for a fraction, seeing the genuine guilt in him.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I know I overstepped the line by touching your scars. I had no right to touch you like that. I was just so angry, I don't know what came over me, but that's no excuse for hurting you. I'm… I'm just so sorry."
I screwed my eyes shut, hating being reminded of the humiliating scene. It broke me. Had me clutching onto my shattering walls. Had me fighting a losing battle as I tried to block out the memory of myself dragging a piece of broken mirror over and over my body. Bleeding myself dry. Cutting myself open. Ending my suffering. Failing.
"Please, baby, look at me," he pleaded. "Don't shut me out. Please?"
I opened my eyes and I didn't know what he saw but it looked like it brought him pain. I was hurting him.
He took a hesitant step forward and I stiffened, instinctively glancing at the door. He sighed, stepping back, as if he knew I was going to run for it.
"Come here," he urged.
I watched him warily, trying to see what he was going to do, what he wanted. I just never knew with him.
"Are you going touch me again?"
He shook his head, his eyes faltering as pain overcame every inch of them.
"I won't ever touch you like that again."
I looked at him for a moment and for some reason, I trusted him. It came so easily, it baffled me.
I took a step towards him and he bit his lip, watching me expectantly as he held out his arms open for me. When I came within reach, he diminished the rest of the distance between us, his arms coming around me, embracing me tightly while I just stood there, not really knowing what to do or why I was letting him do this.
He was confusing me too much. Messing with my head. Making me doubt myself. Making me feel things I didn't know what to do with. It was terrifying.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, burying his face in my hair.
Why is he apologizing so much?
"I swear, that will never happen again. I'm so sorry."
I closed my eyes, his words somehow breaking another fraction of my walls.
What's happening right now?
"I'm confused," I mumbled.
He pulled away, a hand tentatively cupping my cheek as he looked down at me. I looked at him intently, seeing everything that he felt though his eyes. He never hid anything from anyone. It was as if he wasn't afraid of being seen at all.
"I thought you hated me," I said confusion, remembering his words from earlier.
I screwed my eyes shut, hating this. Not knowing. Being confused.
"I don't understand you. You spoke as if you were disgusted with me. You looked at me as if you hated me." I opened my eyes, frowning. "You hurt me, and now you're apologizing. I'm so confused. What are you trying to do?"
He was making things worse with this game he was playing.
Was he playing with me? Is that it? Fuck, I didn't know.
He sighed, shaking his head. "I don't hate you, Angel. You just... you make me so angry sometimes but that doesn't excuse what I did. If I could go back, I would never do something so cruel to you. Especially you."
He took my hands, kissing my knuckles.
"I was an asshole. I didn't know to what extent touching your scars would affect you and I used it to hurt you. I took advantage of your trust and I'm so sorry for that. What happened this morning won't happen again. I promise you that."
This was the opening I've been looking for to finally push him out of my life. Every time I'd done it before, he had easily rebuffed me but now, he could no longer use his good intentions as a reason to attach himself to me. He was far too sincere to be a hypocrite.
"I've been hurt so many times by people I thought I could trust. I always thought I deserved it but no one's ever hurt me like you did this morning."
I pulled my hands out of his grasp, taking a step back.
"I want to trust you but I can't, not anymore, not when I know what you can do to me."
His face broke and he screwed his eyes shut in a failed attempt to hide his shame.
"I understand."
He opened his eyes again, his resolve unwavering still. I wanted to get away from him more than ever.
"But if you give me one more chance, I'd like to earn your trust again. I'll do right by you, I swear."
I should have known he'd want to make things right. His sense of honor was so strong he couldn't turn his back on someone he had wronged.
"If I forgive you, will you leave?"
He frowned. "Forgive me when I've earned it, Angel. Not because you just want to push me away. That's not fair to either of us."
"I don't care." I shrugged. "I've made it clear I don't want you in life. I ruin everything I touch. I'm already bringing out the worst in you, and you have to stay away from me or else I'll take away every good thing about you. I don't want you to wake up one day and hate the person I've turned you into."
His eyes faltered and he looked away, his hands curling into fists.
"I never really had a chance since the beginning, did I?"
He brought his gaze back to me, the emotions in his eyes catching me off guard. The anger, the hurt, the guilt. It was all there.
"I care about you, I really do, and I'm so sorry for what I did and if you really do want me to leave, then I will respect that," he said in resignation. "But when I walk out that door, you don't get to pull me back in again. You don't get to show up in my life when you need someone to fill the void inside you. You don't get to look at me the way you do when we're alone. You don't get to make me feel like I have a chance only to be rejected over and over again just because you're terrified of the fact that you feel something for me."
I took a step back, fearing the way he was looking at me. He was making a mess of my emotions, turning them awry. I hated it. I couldn't shut them down. I couldn't just stop feeling anything anymore. Not with him.
"When I leave, I'm not going to turn around. I won't chase after you or even come near you," he said, looking exhausted. With me. "Is that you want?"
He was going to leave. Just like everyone else. I should be glad. He's going to stay away from me. I wouldn't be able to hurt him anymore. I won't ruin him like I did to everyone else.
I pursed my lips, wiping off any emotion from my face. "Yes," I said, my voice flat. Empty.
He shook his head, grasping my chin and bringing his face closer to mine. I held my breath, keeping my steady gaze on him as his eyes searched mine
"Not like this. If you're going to say it, mean it. Don't fucking hide behind your wall."
"You'll get hurt if you stay."
A small smile appeared on his lips. "I already told you. I'll take all the pain you have to offer."
I closed my eyes, biting my lip. He shouldn't have to take the pain. He shouldn't have to settle for someone as selfish and fucked up as I was. He deserved better. Someone who would never push him into doing bad things. Someone who had a heart as good as his. I had nothing.
"You don't want me to leave, do you?" he murmured, gently tucking my hair behind my ear. "Tell me to stay and I will."
I opened my eyes, not knowing what to say. It would be selfish to make him stay. It would be selfish to let him in. To give him all the pain I had.
"Angel, just say it," he whispered.
I groaned and turned away, clutching my forehead as it throbbed. The voices in my head were screaming, telling me that I didn't deserve to have him. That I was worthless and I didn't deserve to be with someone as good as him. That I'll just end up hurting him like everyone else. And he'll leave me.
"You're too good for me," I said truthfully.
"You deserve something good, Angel. Not everything in your life has to be bad," he said solemnly. "Just give me one more chance. I'll be good to you. Just stop fighting this. Stop pushing me away."
I was tired of fighting him. I was tired of pushing him away. He wanted this and I didn't want to be alone anymore. He always made things better.
"Stay," I whispered, my voice barely audible.