The past week has been a drag. I didn't have to go to class so I barely got out when the sun was up and I only left the apartment at nightfall to tend bar.
Andrea dragged me to some Hollywood party in LA but I just spent the night stealing drinks from other people's hands before sleeping with a random guy whose name, and face, I didn't even remember, all in a desperate attempt at distraction. I ended up shoving a needle into my arm just so my mind would get quiet long enough for me to fall asleep.
I was getting worse. I didn't have anything to distract me. Even the drugs weren't working and I couldn't up my dosage anymore or I'd risk a sure death.
I couldn't place myself. My sleepless nights were wearing me down more than usual. My demons used to stay in my dreams but now, they insisted on keeping me company every waking moment, whispering ways of destruction, things that I've already known but never said out loud.
Jude's graduation was today and it was as tedious as I had expected. I wandered around the campus until I got a text from him telling me to get back to my seat in time for his speech. He glanced my way as he took the stage and I sent him a wink.
He was dressed in a black toga and an immaculately pressed under shirt with his hair slicked to the back, the structure of his face prominent under the spot light. He was the epitome of perfection, all in years of practice until it became second nature. I could copy that within the blink of an eye but only in a mere effort. I was far from being near my brother's perfection.
He began his speech, half serious and half humorous. His fellow MBA graduates along with the faculty and loved ones lending him an ear or two. He spoke with ease about the trials and hardships of his studies, the great relief of finally closing a chapter, and greater expectation of what was to come later on. He spoke without stuttering a single word, captivating his crowd and commanding attention with barely a lift of a finger.
I was faintly aware that most of the female population of my brother's elite business school swooned at each word he uttered while I just rolled my eyes at each bullshit phrase as he thanked his professors and glorified our parents, and of course, said something about being proud to have his family see him and blah-di-ba-blah-blah. I wanted to shoot myself as each second passed.
As the ceremony ended, the graduates began mingling, dragging each other for pictures. I was about to stand and go to Jude but Father placed a hand on my thigh, wordlessly bidding me to stay in my place, both literally and figuratively.
Lowering my head, I submitted to the silent command. This was a family moment. Their heir had achieved a milestone, placing him just a few steps away from reaching the goal Father had constructed for him. I was simply the right hand, the shadow. My purpose was to serve and obey my future master.
To the public eye, I may be Jude's reckless little sister and our parents' spoiled princess but in reality, I was nothing short of a slave. I had no place in their picture perfect family and the only reason I was even granted the privilege of attending this event was because Jude refused to come unless I came with him.
"Miss Lastor?" the bodyguard assigned to me for today called.
I glanced at him and he held out a bouquet of long stemmed Dahlias with varying colors, Jude's favorite flower.
"Take it to our apartment and tell Mrs. Roberts to arrange it in my brother's room," I said, looking away.
"Pardon me, but I was ordered to remain within eyesight of you at all times and to dismiss any orders that could hinder that, Ma'am," he said almost apologetically.
I gritted my teeth. "Was the order given by my Father?"
"No, but-"
"My brother?"
"No."
"There are only two people in the Lastor family who possess more authority than me, my father and my brother. Everyone else is inconsequential." I tilted my head back slightly, looking at him from the corner of my eye. "Take the fucking flowers home. Now."
"But Mr. Jenkins-"
"Mr. Jenkins is the Head of Security. Not my master," I cut in sharply. "If Ben wants to question my authority, have him call me. Now go before I lose my patience and fire you for gross insubordination, you fucking idiot."
He bowed his head lightly before turning and walking away. I caught the people sitting on the row behind me staring at me in shock and I glared in return.
"Fuck off."
They immediately stood, walking hastily away from me as if I carried a contagious disease. I let out a breath, consciously making an effort to calm down.
I watched Jude as he was posing for photos with his batchmates, most were female and reeked of desperation. I noticed Stella, who had come together with us but sat on the other side of the auditorium when our parents arrived, watching him get hounded by sleep deprived graduates while trying to keep a smile on her face as she kept her distance.
I glanced over at Mother as she was posing with Father in front of an army of photographers and she gave me a curt nod. I wordlessly obeyed, lighting up a cigarette as I sauntered over to Stella and slung my arm around her shoulder.
"Isn't it pitiful?" I murmured, watching the women practically claw at Jude, dragging him beside them for pictures.
"Wha-what?"
"That." I pointed at the pathetic scene. "Here's a bunch of highly educated future industry leaders and they've got their panties in a twist over that douchebag just cuz he's got a nice name attached to his pretty face." I scoffed. "It's pitiful."
"I think Jude's admired for more than his name," she mumbled like a love lorn admirer. "He's intelligent, generous, patient, and a great leader. He's.... perfect."
"Maybe, but that's not all there is to him, is it?"
She frowned. "What do you mean?"
I shrugged. "Just saying, he's not the prince charming everyone paints him out to be."
I looked at her, tucking her hair behind her ear and brushing my thumb along her cheek.
"There's a darkness to him that you've been trying to ignore but the closer you get to him, the more that darkness seems to grow. But like everyone else who made the mistake of falling for a Lastor, you want to get closer. To bring light into his darkness and show him that there is a wonderful world beyond the black hole he's locked up in but like so many others, you'll just end up being swallowed whole by it and one day, you'll find yourself lost in the abyss of my brother's darkness."
She was staring at me as my words engulfed her mind, casting doubt upon the purity of her affection towards my brother. And slowly, fear slithered into her precious heart like a menacing serpent, choking it and threatening to destroy it. I inwardly urged her to fight it. To banish the doubt and fear. To prove to me that her love for my brother was strong enough to survive whatever calamity came to them. I terribly wanted to believe she could love my brother the way he deserved to be loved, fiercely and completely.
As she set her gaze upon him with a look of surrender and uncertainty, I knew my initial fear that she would only bring him temporary joy followed by eternal hell was an inevitable reality. She was too weak to love a Lastor.
Jude seemed to notice us and I caught the fleeting look that both of them shared before Stella broke away. My brother seemed to want to come to her but was caught by our mother. They shared a few words and my brother nodded before glancing at me.
"That's my cue. Bye, baby face," I said, kissing her cheek. "Stay strong, yeah?"
I flicked off my cigarette as I made my way over to them. I gifted a wink to a few men I passed by, my red tinted lips curling up as I offered a smirk. I sidled up to my family and Jude immediately took my side when Father moved to stand beside me.
A photographer came up to us, asking to take our picture and I bit back a wince. He led the way to the stage, telling the few graduates taking pictures to give us some space.
It didn't even take a damn second till every photographer in attendance had turned to us, snapping away like maniacs and yelling for us to look this way and that way.
I merely smirked, bowing my head to the side to at least hide as the attention gathered around us. I fought through the anxiety that slowly creeped up my spine at every flash that came my way. I tried to ignore it, tried not to let it get to me but it was too fucking hard when they were snapping away with no end.
I should have expected this though. The university housed one of the top notching business schools in the country and was also producing Anthony Lastor's heir who was without a doubt following his footsteps.
There were reporters too, some from the university paper and others from the local news. They came up to us, directing questions to my father and brother and some actually wasted time to get me to talk.
"You just graduated from Princeton last month, are you planning on pursuing medical school afterwards or will you be focusing more on business school?" one asked.
"Yes," I answered curtly but of course, it didn't quite satisfy her thirst.
"Have you any thoughts on the schools you're considering?" she pressed.
I held back a sigh and glanced at the camera before covering the lens.
"Off the record. I don't do interviews. Please go away."
My father came up to my side, putting an arm around my back and wordlessly bidding me to shut the fuck up. I gladly obliged as he took over the interview, speaking in my behalf while I stood mutely beside him.
We spent a few more minutes shaking hands with anyone who came up to us. Father was engaged in a conversation with the president of the university who was expressing his gratitude for my father's generosity of admitting students into Lastor International's internship program.
Jude congratulated more of his fellow graduates and talked with his few friends about a celebration at some bar but Jude respectfully declined and invited them to the party our parents were hosting in New York tomorrow.
I was sneaking off to the parking lot so I could bail before I got dragged into dinner with them when I found Stella getting out of the limo my parents had arrived in.
She ran to her car and got in before driving off, in tears. I looked at the limo and found Mother looking at me through the open window. She gestured for me to come and I wordlessly obliged.
"Did you do what you were told?" she asked as she sipped on champagne. I nodded. "And?"
"She's weak and naive," I answered. "I barely had to say much to convince her she won't survive in our world. She'll walk away if she knows what's good for her."
"Oh, she will," she said with a hint of malice in her smile. "I've made sure of it."
I wanted to ask her what she had done to the poor girl but I held my tongue.
"I don't want Anthony to hear about this, understand?"
"Of course."
She huffed in satisfaction. "See to it my son does not see or speak to that lackey ever again."
"And if he does?"
She arched a brow, passing me a dismissive glance. "Then dispose of her."
I curled my hands into fists. "Jude would never forgive me if I do her any harm."
She smirked. "Then make sure you cover your tracks."
I pursed my lips, guilt sliding up my spine like a cold shudder. "I can't do that to him."
Her face fell, her eyes going cold. She grabbed fistful of my hair and wrapped a hand around my throat, her fingers digging into my skin.
"I don't have to remind you who you belong to, do I?"
"No."
"Then do as you are told and never question me again, petite pute."
I gritted my teeth, fighting the instinct to obey her. "I am Jude's right hand," I reminded her and myself. "My life belongs to him. I swore absolute loyalty and a lifetime of servitude to him. He comes first before me or anyone else and I will not betray him. Not even for you, Mother."
She fumed, slapping me. "Get out."
"Thank you."
I got out of the limo and went back to Jude, finding him scouring the place for Stella. He caught sight of me as I neared.
"There you are. Have you seen Stella?"
I sighed. "Jude, listen."
He took out his phone and started calling her. "We were supposed to go to dinner. Why isn't she answering her phone?"
"Jude."
"I'm gonna look for her in the parking lot. Wait here."
"Mother knows, Jude," I snapped.
He froze at my words, staring at me. "What?"
"She knows."
"How? Did you tell her?"
"No! Why would you even think that?"
"Then how-"
"Our mother is not a fool," I said with a sigh. "And anyone who was paying attention would have noticed you spent the entire ceremony staring at the poor girl."
He cursed. "I have to find her."
"Jude, you can't see her anymore," I said. "It's over."
He looked away, scanning the crowd once more. His face was unreadable but I knew he was panicking.
"No," he said, shaking his head. "Not like this."
He dragged me to the parking lot, driving like a maniac and stopping fifteen minutes later at a shabby apartment building on the bad side of town. He tried to buzz in but no one answered and I watched him desperately bang on the front door of the building.
He took out his phone and paced back and forth as he held it to his ear.
"Answer dammit."
He tried again and on his fourth try, I just couldn't sit there and watch him make a complete fool of himself anymore.
I got out of the car and grabbed the phone, holding it away when he tried to reach for it.
"I can't believe you're forcing me to be the sane one in this duo. It's not a good look for me."
"Will you give me my phone back?" he bit out.
He reached for it again but I caught his wrist, twisting his arm and grasping the back of his neck before slamming him against the side of the car.
"I told you there would be consequences," I hissed, twisting his arm further when he tried to break free. "It was okay when she was just your dirty little secret but now it's out and you have to do the right thing before it's too late. Let her go. She's too good for our world and if you don't let her go, you're gonna end up ruining her."
"Don't give me the same bullshit you tell yourself every time someone tries to get close to you," he fired back. "You're always running away because you think if you do it first, then they can't leave you."
"And you know why I do that right?" I asked. "Because once upon a time, I relied on you, my brother, my hero, my fucking everything, to be there for me and you fucking left. Call it bullshit all you want but everyone leaves, Jude. You show them a hint of the bad stuff and they run because they can't handle it. Stella's no different than the rest of them."
He shook his head. "You don't know her."
"Maybe not but guess what? She's fucking gone. So let her go."
"No," he hissed. "You can let them control you but I refuse to. This is my life."
"That's where you're mistaken," I said, shaking my head. "Your life isn't yours. Not truly. You're a Lastor and that may offer us certain luxuries but we can't have everything. We have a responsibility that we cannot deny. You're our father's heir. I'm your right hand. I only have to follow your bidding. You, on the other hand, have to follow his footsteps without fault. Anything that threatens the future he has envisioned for us will be disposed of. Is your love for Stella so selfish that you'd let her suffer because you're too much of a coward to be alone?"
I caught the flicker of apprehension in his eyes, as if these facts had only just occurred to him. He's been making a habit of forgetting who he was too often.
I let him go. "You can love her but you cannot be with her. That's a fact you need to accept."
Defeated, he fell to the ground on his knees, his head bowed and his fists pressed against the concrete.
"You gave me your word," he said, his voice breaking. "You looked me in the eye and told me you won't let them take her from me."
"I made that promise as your sister. Right now, I'm your right hand and I have to put my duty to you and the family above everything. Stella has no place in your future. You know that."
"I love her, Gel," he whispered. "Doesn't that count for something?"
The pain in his voice was like a knife in my chest and I couldn't stand it.
"If I give you one last goodbye, will you let her go?"
He shook his head. "You can't ask that of me. It's too cruel."
I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself from being affected by my emotions.
"Do you really think Father isn't already aware of your relationship? He might not have done anything yet but if you continue to pursue this, Stella will pay for the consequences."
"I can protect her," he tried to tell himself. "I won't let him hurt her. I would never allow that."
"You know you can't protect her. Not from him."
"Then what can I do?"
He lifted his head, looking so helpless and anguished it was tearing me apart that I couldn't make all this better.
"Please, tell me what I can do. I just can't lose her. Please, Gel."
He wrapped his arms around my waist as he cried and begged, his tears seeping through the material of my dress. I'd never seen him cry since we were kids and I hated the sight of it.
Jude deserved to be happy more than anyone else but I couldn't allow him to keep going with this any longer. I had given him my blessing prematurely, unaware how deep his feelings for her ran but now, I've realized this could be something that had the potential to destroy him and as his right hand, it was my duty to protect him from anything and everything, even from himself.
But as his sister, I couldn't stomach the thought of taking away the one thing that brought him happiness in his life.
I sighed, crouching to level with him. "Okay," I relented, wrapping my arms around him. "I'll bring her back to you. Just stop crying. You're making me feel like shit."
* * *
I found Stella standing on the platform with a train ticket in her hand and staring at her phone as it rang endlessly. Sighing, I went to stand beside her.
"He's not going to stop unless you answer it, you know."
She jumped away from me, gasping. "Angel! What... why are you... how did you…"
"You left the Google result page for train schedules open on your computer."
"What?"
"Oh, I went to your place. I don't know you enough to think of places you'd go to so I had to be a little invasive. You should really consider moving, you know. The security in your building sucks."
"I'm so confused," she muttered to herself as she sat on the bench behind her.
I sighed, sitting beside her. "I was a bitch earlier. I didn't mean to scare you or anything."
Her phone started ringing again and she stared at it until it stopped. When it rang again, I grabbed it and answered the call.
"Bro, you need to chill. You're coming off super creepy right now."
"Is she with you?" Jude asked stupidly.
"No, I just carry her phone sometimes cuz we're besties, you fucking dumbass. Will you fuck off for a sec?" I cut the call and handed her the phone. "Where were we? Oh right, you shouldn't let my actions reflect my brother. He's actually a good guy. A little creepy, sure, but aren't we all?"
She blinked, staring at me with a confused look on her face. I sighed, leaning back and spreading my arms over the bench.
"He's really crazy about you, the poor guy."
She lowered her head, staring at her phone. "I talked to your mother."
"I know. Did she try to buy you?" She nodded. "She can be such a cliché, though I am curious, how much is my brother worth to her?"
She took a deep breath, letting it out harshly. "A hundred million dollars."
I made a face. "That's not even a third of what Jude has in the bank."
"A hundred million dollars is a lot for people like me."
"Not for people like us. Certainly not for mommy dearest."
"It doesn't matter. I didn't take the money."
"Good. You don't want to attach yourself to our family that way, or any way really." I tilted my head to look at her. "But you wanna be with him, yeah?"
She pursed her lips. "I can't if it means putting my family in danger."
"You love them?"
"They mean the world to me. They're the reason why I've worked so hard. I want to take care of them."
"You love him?"
Tears filled her eyes as she nodded. "But I never thought it would be this hard."
"I don't know understand the point of it, love, I mean," I confessed. "I comprehend the theory and as a child, I was foolish enough to apply it in my pursuit of my parents' approval. It ruined me so badly that I'm afraid the damages have become irreversible. There's no fixing me anymore and every time I try, I just end up breaking more pieces of myself. But Jude's different. His heart is still whole and he loves me with so much of his heart, and I hate it. I hate being loved by him because I don't deserve it. But you do."
I looked at her, wiping her tears away.
"You can love him the way he deserves to be loved, Stella. And he's earned that. He's earned the right to love and be loved by someone like you and I'd be damned if anyone takes you away from him. That's why I'm here. I have a favor to ask you."
Her eyes were wide and filled with uncertainty as she stared at me.
"Wha- what is it?"
"Can you lend me your coat? I'm freezing in this fucking dress."
She frowned. "Oh, of course. Here."
She shrugged her coat off and draped it over me.
"Thanks. I owe you."
"Don't be silly. It's nothing."
"No." I leaned closer to her. "I owe you. Anything you want, I'll do it. Whatever you need, I'll give it to you. No questions asked."
She seemed confused and I knew she didn't get it. I needed her to fucking get it to her pretty little head.
"I'm not fond of being indebted to and I always see to it that I pay back what I owe. So let me repay your kindness and generosity. Ask me, Stella."
"Ask you what?"
I smiled. "Anything that your heart desires, baby face."
Slowly, the realization dawned on her and a mix of disbelief and joy appeared on her face.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded. "As long it's within my means, I'll get it done."
She let out a breath. "I don't... I don't know what to say."
"Well, most people ask for protection cuz it's like a blanket term. It could be protection from bankruptcy. Protection from failure. Protection from harm. Any way they need it, I'll protect them no matter what."
"So... is that… what you want-"
"No!" I sighed. "It has to be what you want."
"Okay. I, uh, want you to protect me."
"Just you?"
"Oh, and my family!"
"And who else?"
"My friends, too."
"Of course. Anyone else?"
"Does Jude need protection?"
I shrugged. "Just include him to be sure."
"Okay, Jude too."
"That everything?"
Her brows furrowed in thought. "Yeah, I think so."
"Alright, you got it then."
"Do I… sign anything?"
I laughed. "Nah, sweetheart. Let's just shake on it."
I held out my hand but she lunged at me, wrapping her arms around me tightly. I stiffened from the unceromonious assault.
"Uh... okay. Hugging will do too."
"Thank you."
I let myself relax, patting her back lightly. "As Vivien Angel Howard-Lastor, I swear to protect your love for my brother. No matter what."