Once the last bell announcing the end of the school day rings, I'm about ready to just collapse, but also at the same time, I've been so tired for so long that I have gotten used to it. It started a few months into eleventh grade. The workload just kept piling on and on and I just couldn't deal. Exhaustion bred itself in me and has stayed with me throughout the year. Even now, I can't wait for the summer holidays which are five months away, good grief…
Also, earlier when I said I didn't care what was going on between Damien and Edward, I lied. I do want to know why Damien snapped at Edward today at recess. It was so out of nowhere. Kinda gave me the shock of my life, if I must be honest.
Damien is a very nonchalant and chill person who I've only ever seen smiling, smirking or neutral. Anger isn't something that anyone can bring out of him. I remember how this one time, his cousin dropped his phone in the pool… on purpose.
Damien merely looked over at the smug-looking, little shit and then went back to staring at the setting sun, shades covering his eyes as he rested leisurely on his camping chair. The disappointment on the kid's face couldn't have been missed even by a blind man. I was just surprised at his nonchalance. If that was my phone, I would've gone absolutely mental.
Feeling my phone vibrating in my jacket's pocket, I pull it out.
Mentally, I hope that it's not Amma messaging me to do anything for her or Franklin desperately needing help because he is understaffed. I don't think I have the energy for that today. I just want to sit through the bus ride back home, listening to my music as per usual and when I get back home, I am high tailing it to my room and planting my face into my pillow. Hopefully, dozing off until supper time.
When I see the name of the person who messaged me, the corners of my lips tilt up until I realise that I'm still in the parking lot, flooded by a bunch of students. I do not want to seem like a weirdo who smiles all alone.
Once I have glanced around and seen that I'm in the clear, I place my attention back onto the text that has been sent to me. By Kai.
My teeth gnaw on the inside of my bottom lip and I cannot help thinking that he's such a weird child. Why does he insist on talking to me every day? And yes, I did save his name in my contacts now. He is not worthy of the unknown pile.
While making my way to the exit, I send him a simple message back. Hi, it reads.
As I rush over to the bus stop, I start feeling bummed out that Fleance will not be waiting there for me. Since his other older brother has bought him his very first car now, he can drive himself to and from school. He does not have to use the bus like a loser. Like me.
Well to be fair, I do have a car. All I need is to conquer my fear of potentially murdering someone in a car accident then I can also ditch taking the bus and be a winner, like Fleance in his sports car. It has already attracted the mass majority of the students. Girls and boys.
Once I have arrived at the bus stop, I smile in greeting at the girl who's sitting there, also waiting for the bus. I don't know her name since she is not a senior. Shyly, she reciprocates the action without really meeting my gaze until she directs her eyes back onto her novel. I plant my bottom on the bench. It has lost the green coat of paint it previously had and is mostly silver now.
Looking down at the time, I notice that we have nine minutes before the bus arrives. Craning my neck out, I make sure to look over to my right to see if today it will be earlier, but I know how on schedule Jim is. I could catch the bus at the first bus stop which is much closer to school, but that's where everyone else catches it. I'd rather not get shoved around by children who don't know the meaning of standing in a line.
When my phone vibrates again, I look down at it and see that Kai has sent me another message, So are you carrying your camera with you?
Sheepishly, I glance down at the camera hanging around my neck. The one that my dad got for me and while biting down on my bottom lip, I reply, Yeah… of course… I promised, didn't I?
Liar, is his response, but I'm almost certain he's not upset at me.
I grin down at the message in amusement.
Then I release a deep and heavy sigh, for some unknown reason feeling the weight of the unresolved tensions between Dominic and I weighing heavily on my mind. As I sit up straight, my thoughts drift back to him and I can't help but feel like I let him down by failing to properly express my thoughts and feelings to him, leaving him to make the first move.
Looking back, I wish I had been more forthcoming with my emotions and told him outright that I liked him way before anything transpired and went to shit, instead of relying on him to take the lead. I cannot seem to shake the feeling that I missed my chance with him.
What if I just told him?
What if I just told him... now?
I slowly glance down at my device and psyche myself into tentatively typing out a simple message to him.
I like you.
Without even thinking about it to get to a point where I talk myself out of it, I instantly press send. And immediately release a deep breath as if to expel all the tension from my body.
There. I did it.
"So," I start to try and make conversation so that I can distract myself from the nerves eating away at me and the girl beside me slowly glances up at me widely, "Wha'chu reading?"
"Um…"
She says something but I can barely hear her. It is almost as if the wind carried all her words away, letting them escape my ears. To be fair to the wind, I don't think she even made a sound to carry away. With furrowed brows, I ask her to repeat herself. Instead of doing that, she just shuts her book, keeping her finger in between the pages to mark the place that she was at. She turns the book over and shows me the cover of it.
One Of Us Is Lying.
"Oh, I love that book." My lips stretch widely. "I think I read it last year. The thrill, the mystery, the drama."
She says something else in response to my words and I don't hear her again.
I nod like I know what she was saying. "Who do you think killed him?"
She shrugs unknowingly. And I almost want to ruin it for her by telling her who it is, but I'm not that evil. "Well, are you enjoying it so far?"
This time I manage to hear her saying, "Yes, 's very high school."
I nod vigorously. "Right?"
She nods too.
Anxiously, I look down at my phone to see Dominic's response but when I see what I have just done, my eyes widen in horror as my heart races. I frantically tap on my phone to try and rectify the mistake. But he immediately starts typing something back.
Oh, God...
Instead of sending the message to Dominic, I mistakenly shared it with Kai.
My face flushes with embarrassment as I continue to mortifyingly watch the message disappearing into the digital ether, forever immortalised in his inbox. How will I ever face him again after this? Panic sets in and my fingers tremble as I contemplate what to do next.
I should just clarify the situation.
Kai would understand. That's the sort of person he is.
Before I can act, my phone chimes with a new response.
I like you too?
My head rears back in shock and my heart races a mile a minute, my eyes blinking rapidly as I try to make sense of what I just read.
He likes me too?
What does he mean he likes me too? The thought of it is overwhelming. I'm left with so many questions. Does he have feelings for me or does he just like me as a person? It's hard to tell without more context. I'm lost in thought as I try to decode his message and figure out what he really means. I mean, what's up with the question mark at the end of his message as well? Is he not sure?
I did not anticipate this turn of events. I have to come clean, don't I?
Just as I am typing back, I feel a poke on my shoulder and I look up at the girl sitting next to me, enquiring with my eyes what she wants. Is the bus here? I didn't even hear it. She points forward and my gaze shifts towards the street. When I spot the familiar, black car that I have driven in so many times, too many to even count, my smile drops. The passenger window is open and in the driver seat, is the one and only.
Dominic Lachowski.
The window slides all the way down and when he leans over the passenger seat, our eyes lock and I can't control it when my entire body stiffens up under the intensity of his gaze.
When was the last time he even acknowledged my presence? His stare still feels like the same old emotionless look that I've always gotten from him except I sense something else underneath the emptiness in his gaze. I think I always have after we spent that time locked in that cubicle. After we… kissed. The memory of the last time we spoke lingers, a bitter taste in my mouth as I replay the scene over and over in my mind.
His coldness and distant demeanour are what I most despised as if I am nothing more than a passing shadow in his world. What did I do to deserve such indifference? Has he ever truly seen me at all?
A moment passes and then, a throat clears to pierce through the awkward silence. I manage to pull my eyes away from him to see the girl sitting next to me reading her book with a small, amused smile on her face. Looking back over at Dominic, he beckons me over with his hand. I overcome my momentary shock and stand up to approach the car hesitantly. Once I am close enough, my hands grip the open window and I stare at him enquiringly.
"Get in," he says and I almost smile at how familiar this situation feels. "I'll take you home."
"The bus is about to arrive in," I inform him, checking the time on my Dora the Explorer watch, "two minutes so you should probably move your car from the way. Jimmy isn't going to like you being in his spot."
"I know." He nods. "Just get in the car. We haven't spoken… in a while."
We haven't spoken in a while.
I shrug indifferently and after bidding the girl goodbye, I open the door, placing myself in the passenger seat. The freshness of his car flows through my nostrils and I realise that his car always has that new-car smell like he just bought it recently. He starts driving after I have closed the door and the soft music coming from the radio fills in the previously loud silence which I am immediately grateful for. I don't have anything to distract myself with.
"You still wear my cap," he voices almost musingly, taking a quick glance at me through the corner of his eyes before redirecting his gaze back onto the road.
At his words, I widely stare at his side profile and slowly bob my head up and down. It's the same cap I took from him on the day he almost took a tumble out of my window that one time he climbed up the tree outside my room. I found it buried underneath the clothes that were strewn all over my bedroom floor the one time my mum forced me to finally clean up. At first, I was going to give it back, but I have just so happened to grow quite attached to it.
"Do you want it back?" I hesitantly ask, already going to take it off.
"No," he answers quickly, without missing a beat.
He realises that he answered my question a little too fast and he clears his throat, averting his gaze bashfully.
I stop taking the cap off and fix it back onto my head. A certain heat stains my cheeks and I manage to keep it under control so that he doesn't see me blushing for no reason at all. Slowly, I tilt my head and look up at him with a stiff smile to find him awkwardly chewing on his bottom lip. Rapidly, I direct my gaze out the window at the passing houses. I wrinkle my nose distastefully at how awkward this is.
Why does it have to be so weird between us? Why can't we go back to how we used to be?
Well, not the puppeteer and his little Pinocchio; what we were before the end, even before we kissed. I believe we were becoming friends. Although, luck is never on my side. It's always working against me, letting me have a taste of misfortune. It just feeds off my misery and distress. Then it plays with my feelings some more just for the fun of it. It is never satisfied. It keeps on kicking me even while I'm down.
An uncomfortable feeling overcomes me and I turn around to see that Dominic's eyes are on me. When he realises that he's been caught, he just says, "Hey."
After a moment of prevailing silence, I finally gather up the courage to open my mouth and whisper, "Hi."
Everything inside me is going haywire, my organs running around in panic since the sarge is not in control anymore. It's no longer my lungs only which shut down when I see him. No, my heart also takes the initiative to beat against my ribs erratically, smashing against the bones which are holding it captive. It screams for him, wants to be held in his palms. When that doesn't work, it tries to jump out of my throat, forming the lump which makes me gulp it back down into its place.
He's handsome, as usual. Today though, instead of the outfit of colour I always used to insist on him wearing to grab the attention of Jodie, he's wearing monotonous colours again. The only thing I recognise is the white, chic tee. It is the same one from the store, paired with white trainers which are a pair of Converse shoes. His unkempt hair is all over the place, the beautiful, messy mop falling over his forehead and his eyes. Oh, those eyes. Those dark, chocolate brown eyes.
He's beautiful.
"Put your seatbelt on."
After a full minute of just staring at him, his gaze narrows down on me warningly which unconsciously makes me turn around and reach over to buckle my seatbelt. It has all come full circle, I realise. One of his first words to me was that command. That I put my seatbelt on. Now, I'm in his car again and he has told me to put my seatbelt on.
Looking at the dashboard, I notice that the sticky note that was there is now gone. It saddens me a little, like a part of our time together has been erased.
Put the fucking seatbelt on, Seong Jin or I swear, isn't something Jodie probably wants to see every time she gets in his car.
All of a sudden a sneeze leaves my lips and I sniffle, wiping a sleeve across my clogged up nose. When another sneeze attacks me, my face bows into my chest again. Then two more sneezes. I wipe my nose yet again. This is not my shirt, it's Yang Jin's from the rock concert he once went to, so I'm okay with dirtying it with my mucus. Besides, he doesn't even do the laundry. I have to do it and sometimes when my mum's home, she does it with my help of course.
I sniff again. "Sorry."
"You better hope you don't get another cold. Remember how you fainted that one time?" he muses and I stop wiping my nose to gaze up at him perplexed.
"I would rather not remember that actually," I say to him, scowling petulantly when I see the corner of his lips tilting up a little humorously. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Why weren't you driving your car that day?"
Curiously, he takes a furtive glance at me through the corner of his eye before focusing back on the road and then he muses, "What day?"
"The day I almost ran you over in my car."
"No, I'm pretty sure you did run me over. It wasn't almost," he states playfully and almost unconsciously, my gaze falls down to his knee as if to reassure myself that he's okay. "My car was at the panel beater."
"Why?"
He looks a little embarrassed and hesitant to answer my question, but then eventually he admits to me, "I got in a little… fender bender a few weeks prior."
"What?" I exclaim, eyes enlarging.
"Yeah, this old lady crossed the street while the traffic light was green for me and I swerved into a street pole to avoid hitting her."
"Oh, God." I'm horrified at this news, burying my face deep into my palms and quietly muttering, now regretting the fact that I nudged him in my car all those months ago, "And then I ran you over in my car."
"Yeah, well it seemed I had a string of bad luck that month," he says and I don't miss the hilarity in his tone, but I don't find it funny.
"Were you hurt?" I ask worriedly.
His eyes move over to me through his peripheral vision and when he sees how serious I am, he shifts his gaze away almost nervously I note, and tries to come off as nonchalant, "Not really. I had a few scratches here and there, but other than that I was fine. My seatbelt saved me."
More silence envelopes us, a comfortable silence that allows me to properly process his words. That's probably why he always insists on me wearing my seatbelt.
He stops at a red light and coincidentally, an old lady passes by and I almost want to laugh at the timing. I don't though. I think that would be pretty inconsiderate of his feelings. I don't know if he's over that. To be quite honest, I wouldn't. I am still not over running him over in my car. To be fair, he did make fun of me about it afterwards.
No, in his situation he almost killed an old lady and managed to hurt himself. In my situation, I'm the one who nudged him with my car and I got off scot-free without a scratch. So in both situations, he nearly died. Yeah, I don't think I have the right to laugh about an old lady crossing the road now. To be on the safe side, I'm just going to keep quiet. Besides, it's not funny anymore since I've over-analysed the whole situation.
"So," he starts as the light turns green and he drives forward, "you got my gift."
Hearing his tone, I realise that it is not a question. I glance over at him and he tilts his head down at the hand resting near him. Even though I know what he's gesturing at, I still look down at my wrist. Lifting up the hand in front of me, I jingle the trinkets attached to the bracelet with a soft smile painting my lips as I act.
"Yes. I love it. Thank you."
I don't miss the satisfied twitch on his lips. "Good."
"How did you know it was my birthday anyway?" I watch him sceptically.
He releases a soft chuckle. "I had your vlogs, remember?"
I blink, realisation making me purse my lips grimly at even forgetting that. It's the one thing I had been complaining about the entire time that Dominic and I spent time together. To think I'd even forget that is shocking, to say the least. A light blush stains my cheeks when I realise that he knows my birthday because he watched the vlogs that I took on my birthday. The embarrassing ones where I was complaining about being rejected. Three times in a row.
"Right," I mutter under my breath, ducking my head.
"Yeah," he murmurs out softly, almost inaudibly.
Another round of quietness embraces us, heavily pregnant and very uncomfortable to sit through. So uncomfortable that it almost becomes unbearable so I merely resort to fingering my bracelet. Through the corner of my eye, I see a blue black item glimmering around his neck. I perk up when I realise that he's wearing the ring that I bought for him for his birthday. Weirdly, I never thought that he would still be wearing it.
Domi forever.
With a content grin, I turn around to stare out the window. The houses are becoming more familiar and in a few more minutes we'll be at my house. This is oddly relaxed and that might have something to do with the fact that we are both avoiding the elephant in the room. I don't think I want to remain tiptoeing around the topic.
We fought.
And after kissing me, he told me to leave.
He chose Jodie.
Blinking up at him in confusion, I quietly ask, "Um… not to sound rude or anything, but why are you talking to me? I mean, I'm not complaining, but I thought you made it pretty clear that you didn't want to see my face ever again."
He remains quiet for a while as his eyes connect with mine and his chest rises and falls evenly, as he thinks of a way to word whatever it is he wants to say.
"I just," he pauses thoughtfully and runs a hand through his hair in hesitance, "I was worried about you. Also, I said that I didn't wanna talk then, because we were gonna argue. I never said that I didn't want to see you ever again."
My heart skips a beat at that and I have to purse my lips so that I don't end up grinning like a fool. That doesn't prevent my eyes from showing the joy I feel from his confession. I clear my throat and rub a hand across my nose, sniffing to obscure my smile. "You didn't have to worry about me. I have survived rejection three times. I think I can live through it again."
"Who said I rejected you?" he says softly, causing my head to quickly snap to the side to glance at him in surprise at his words. My stomach fills with butterflies and they make me feel nauseous. Silence commences after he has said that, letting me process his words.
What is that supposed to mean?
"Look, I thought about where you were coming from and you were right. I did have your sketchbook and so the only person you could've blamed for all your secrets leaking was me. In fact, it probably is partly my fault that the letter got out in the first place. I should have never blackmailed you. It was wrong."
I shake my head with a small, dismissive smile, still reeling from his previous words. "It's okay. I think I forgave you a long time ago. Besides, holding grudges just weighs you down and I'm tired of that. I can't wait to graduate and go to university."
"Yeah. High school fucking sucks," he agrees, making a chuckle of mirth leave my lips as I glance at him amused.
"What do you have to complain about? You have a girlfriend."
He only smiles lopsidedly which really should make me happy, that he's being so unusually open with me. It weirdly doesn't, because it reinforces how good the relationship must be with Jodie. If he's this happy with her then I don't stand a fucking chance, probably didn't stand a chance even before that. He really does like her, huh? It's not just about getting laid, is it? I was wrong.
Finally, the car slowly comes to a stop. When I take a look outside the window again, I notice the familiar house that I lay my head at at night.
"How is that going anyway?" I try to sound nonchalant when I ask him that, playing with the handle of my camera's neck strap.
"I'd like to think… good." He shrugs to come across as indifferent, but I don't miss the light that enters his eyes as he speaks of Jodie, his girlfriend. "I mean, she hasn't dumped me yet so there's that."
I nod understandingly before rubbing my bottom lip to wipe away the scowl touching them. "Well, thank you for the ride. I'll," my eyebrow arches up questioningly, "see you around?"
"Yeah, I'll see you around."
With a bright smile stretching onto my lips, I get out of the car and throw my bag over my shoulder. After closing the door, I turn around expecting him to drive away after bidding me goodbye, but he shocks me when he also gets out of the car. As he walks around the front of the car to stand before me, I stare at him weirdly, wondering why he got out of the car too.
"Where you going?" I ask him slowly, furrowing my brows in perplex.
"Uh… I just want to emphasise that I really am," he sighs and looks over at me apologetically, a sheepish smile climbing onto his lips, "sorry for blackmailing you."
A grin of disbelief splits over my face. Did he just apologise to me? Huh?
"Well, I mean as much as it was annoying I, surprisingly, had fun." He lets out a silent laugh and I admire the expression on his face, palming my camera anxiously. "You've made my senior year a memorable one."
"Yeah?" he muses and I notice that the space between has decreased and his shoes are like three inches away from touching mine.
"Mm-hmm." I nod.
"Well, you've made mine a memorable one too," he whispers to me quietly, staring intensely into my eyes.
Our faces are so close to each other that one would assume that we are about to kiss. At that thought, my eyes flicker down to his lips and I notice that this time they aren't the parched colour I'm so used to. Whatever he has been using on his lips, it's making them catch onto their natural pink colour again. When his throat bobbles up and down with a gulp, I shift my gaze back into those piercingly brown eyes of his.
Dark.
Mysterious.
Not emotionless.
What are we doing?