Rick did not see himself as a bad person nor did he see himself as good person. How could he? It was the apocalypse and a good or bad person was no longer distinguishable.
Everyone wanted something for themselves, he knew that.
The people in the safe zone wanted to feel safe and the survivors beyond the wall wanted to survive. This meant often or not , their own desires are what made them them. Everyone was selfish and he never could trust just anyone.
Except, he had to admit, for a few people. Like Martin, he was scarred by the zombie apocalypse more than anyone Rick knew, and yet was one of the few people who could make a joke when outside the city safe zone.
Ross was a friendly guy who always managed to stop fights and keep peace... except when he was with Liam. Those two were fire and water, always turning each other to reach boiling point. But Ricky loved them like brothers.
Yeah, his team was made up of what could be considered good people, atleast by Rick's standards. They'd been together for a long time and he knew that if the time came, they'd probably die together as a team. Atleast that was what Martin always said when they left the safe zone and it always made everyone chuckle.
It just did and it made Rick believe that's how they'd be.
However those days were gone these days were different, far different. When Lesley's death became official the team underwent a ripple effect. First it started with Liam, Lesley's cousin , affecting him in a deep emotional level. He did not show up for two excursion assignments and they were forced to be on standby.
Besides losing their source of money, there was the loss of the laughs. Martin became glum, truly becoming a specter of gloom. His jokes became fewer and really lacked the wit they had before. That inturn made Ross glum aswell, meaning the three of them all were gloomy and grim.
Even when Liam came to work, he showed little initiative and his temper was just sizzling under his skin. It got so bad that Liam almost faught Martin. Eventually Rick had just told them to take leave for a few days, he'd thought it would help and fix things. But that was before he got a call he had not expected.
After Lesley's proclaimed death he'd felt like a shadow rose up from behind him, of a memory he'd thought was long gone. It's silhouette was constantly in his mind, bleak like a fleeting black shadow and yet as dark as the night. He knew its cause , it's purpose for being there but he would not say it out loud.
Rick was feeling guilty.
Of course this guilt, was before he recieved the call from Lesley or even the betrayal. The guilt was born from a feeling of failure and a past memory of incompetence. He felt like he could have saved Lesley, if he'd been there or more attentive. Just like he'd have been able to save their last rookie, that guilt was the source of the shadow. Another failure mark on his record as a captain and for Lesley it was worse because they hadn't even had the body.
The tale he heard from Ross and Liam had been checked out, but the only dead body they found was Darwin's. Will and Justin's disappearance made the whole thing seem mystical , too mystical. Apocalypse or not some things could not make sense and hence could not be true. Bodies didn't just disappear unless...
Rick didn't want to think about that. He believed he would die if that was true!
Such wete his thoughts, dreams of mental plays of ' what if '. That was the turmoil that Rick had about not having saved Lesley, a dark rewind of fantasies and thoughts that had made him sleep restlessly for days. He'd finally decided to do something about it and sought out a male form of venting; physical satisfaction. Finding a willing partner was not hard, especially since he was not pressed for cash.
But just as the nights began to settle down and he thought maybe it would be time to call the squad team, he'd recieved the call from Lesley. At the time he'd still been in bed and so had the man he'd bought for the night.
When he had woken, he'd been annoyed to get a call but when the agent said it was an outside call from a survivor squad fighter, he decided to hear it. The moment the voice reached his ears he couldn't believe it. It had felt like the trickle of poisoned honey flowing through his veins, twitching each nerve with thrill and trepidation. Lesley being alive meant more than just a life preserved.
It meant that he, Rick as a squad captain, had abandoned a teammate to be taken by the zombies and the survivors. Instead of mentioning that he'd stated the teammate as deceased, that was a careless mistake and the reason was thus;
Although Deapool organization had a bit of leniency with the lives of its squad fighters and often left them to their own devices on excursions , it was still a very important figure being constantly watched by its superiors. The agreed rule amongst those superiors was that if a squad fighter died in an excursion it was fine, but if a squad fighter was assumed dead but was not found , the assumption was coercion into joining survivors. This was the case if the person was dead or not, and because Lesley had been such a case , the squad team 19 had said he was deceased because calling him a traitor would be the ultimate blow.
Instead of saying that Lesley was a missing terrorist, the general and official belief was that Lesley Woodsman was dead. That was the main source of pain for the group, fear of Lesley's unknown fate.They all wanted to know what has happened to him and it tore them up inside. They couldn't search for him because the Deapool-HQ would say he was a terrorist and order his execution.
So the lie was he was dead, since no one knew where he was or if he wasn't dead. But hearing Lesley's voice meant the lie was broken and Rick had not refrained from shouting his shock on the communicator.
How could he not ? He was the one who signed the contract for releasing Lesley's obligation to the city, and he'd stated that his lover was dead to the Deadpool-HQ squad team supervisors. If they had found out the squad was unsure and lied then the whole team would have been executed or imprisoned for treason, having hidden Lesley away with survivors.
That's why he'd thought fast, calling up for security guards after telling Lesley to wait for him. After kissing his bed partner goodbye , he'd showered and left as soon and as fast as lighting. All the way his heart was beating fast , not with excitement but with fear.
What if Lesley had joined a survivor group? In this world people did what they desired most after all. But, he had to admit that he was not sure if that applied to Lesley, since he wanted the end of zombiekind.That's the dream that Lesley always said he had.That still didn't guarantee anything for Rick though and his anxiousness stayed constant.
Finally he'd arrived at the spot where the communication signal had come from. Seeing the red head had been a practical shock through his soul. Although dirty, with a pale complexion and slight odor, Lesley was still Lesley. This was why he did not shy away from the hug that he was given, but his consciousness would not let him return it. On one hand he had cheated on his lover and on the other ; he was still thinking about whether he could trust the person infront of him or not.
The small interrogation proved fruitless and Lesley hidden secret made Rick not trust him more. Before he could get farther in the questioning an unforeseeable horde of the undead had come and attacked them. Then right at the brink of escape, Rick had decided on something that would change his life forever; he'd decided to be just as selfish as the rest of the world. He wouldn't go down for Lesley, not even the team would go down for Lesley, no matter how much he loved him. It would not be worth it.
That's what went through his head as he shoved him out of the Rover.
So, he'd gotten rid of Lesley, telling the Deapool-HQ organization that it had been a survivor trap against him and that the guards ( he killed them both before they reached home) had died aswell. This had surprisingly been accepted well and he'd been offered a recommendation for a better status. He'd refused, knowing it was just a lie.
In his heart he knew he'd done wrong but to his mind...it was a necessary evil.
However, right then, as Rick raced through the seven story building he was in ,with zombies on his heels, he couldn't help but wonder if this was fate. Was destiny getting revenge for Lesley's second death?
Little did he know that the day he kissed the stranger in his bed goodbye, Death had come to kiss him ' hello. '