(Trigger warning: this chapter contains the subject of Miscarriage)
When they woke up, he was still holding her. His body was in the same position as when they fell asleep. She had moved around and was in a different position.
"Persephone, you have to wake up."
She rolled over and looked at him. "What's wrong?"
"I really need my arm back, baby girl."
She sat up. "Oh, sorry."
He moved his arm. His shoulder barely wanted to move, and his hand was completely numb. He shook his hand out.
He took and kissed the back of her hand. What do you want to do today?"
"The boys need new shoes. It's as if their feet grow before they leave the store."
"You know we have to go shopping for the nursery. She's going to get here and have to sleep in a drawer.
She stretched her back out. "My back hurts. These Braxton hicks' contractions are not fun. I must have slept weirdly."
"You're so convinced that we are having a little girl?
"I am, and I can't wait to be proven right." He put his hand on her belly."
"You know we can find out at the next ultrasound."
"Getting pregnant with this baby was a surprise, So this should be another surprise. How many times in life have you gotten such a genuine surprise? I want to be surprised.
"But I want to know," he whined. He started to run his tongue up her neck.
"Hold on, my love. We need to brush our teeth."
"Yeah, I think we do. Then kissing?
"Then kissing." She sat up and felt a rush coming from her vagina. She threw the covers back. "OH MY GOD! Jake, I think there's something wrong."
They were both staring at the blood on the sheets.
She turned to look at him with horror on her face. "This is not good."
He kissed her on the nose and looked her in the eyes. Hot tears were running down her cheeks.
"Let's not panic. Let's get ourselves together and get to the hospital," he said.
"Should we call an ambulance?"
"By the time they get here and get you loaded and leaving, we can be there."
"I'll get dressed. I will be right back. You stay here."
Jake grabbed his jeans and a T-shirt. He went to the bathroom, used some mouthwash, and dressed quickly.
Persephone walked into the bathroom after him.
"Babe, I told you to stay in the bed."
"Jake, I think I'm in labor. It's too early. I'm only 25 weeks."
He embraced her and kissed the top of her head.
"I'm starting to get some really bad cramps or contractions. They just hurt badly, like when I first went into labor with the boys."
"We need to go to the hospital. Now. Let's get you dressed. I'm going to go get you some clothes. We're going to get through this." He handed her a large towel, clean as much as you can.
He went to her room dresser and picked out some clothes. Tears started rolling down his cheeks. He loved the fact that he was going to be a father, thinking of little clothes, diapers, bottles, and car seats. He slammed his fist down on her dresser; everything shook and rattled. It was like a sledgehammer.
"I can't believe this. Why? We were ready for this. Don't take it away from us," he said to himself.
He called Ashley. Holden and Joanna were away for the weekend.
"I'm sorry, Jake. I'm sorry my body has taken this away from us."
He handed her the clothes. She hugged him.
"Get dressed. Let's get going. You're starting to look extremely pale."
"The contractions are getting worse."
When they were both dressed, he helped her downstairs. Jack loaded her in the car. He got in and pulled out of the driveway, tires squealing.
She doubled over. "I think I am going to be sick. This hurts so bad."
He parked the car in the ER entrance and gave the valet his keys. He lifted her out of the car and carried her in. He walked with her in his arms up to the desk.
The nurse at the desk looked up. "Oh, my goodness, what do we have here?"
"I believe my girlfriend is in labor," he said, panting a little.
"How far along is she?"
"She's twenty-five weeks."
"Let me get a wheelchair."
"No, just show me where to go, and I will take her there."
He followed the nurse into the back. He carried her into the room. She had her head buried in his neck. Her hot tears were streaming down his neck. He laid her on the bed. She didn't want to let go.
"Babygirl, you need to let go."
After several minutes, a different nurse came in and finally released him.
"Hi. I'm Krystal. I need to put in an I.V."
"Can I get something for the pain?"
"The doctor is right behind me. You can ask him."
She put the tourniquet on and began looking for a vein. When she found one, he sat down and took Persephone's hand.
"You know I hate needles, Jake."
"I know." He stroked her hair.
He kissed her hand and lovingly stroked her hair. "Just squeeze my hand as hard as you need to."
"Are you the husband?"
"No. Boyfriend."
She looked up at him. "And the father."
"Oh, yeah. That too."
The nurse poked the needle into her vein. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath.
"That's right. Now let it out."
"It hurts Jake."
"The needle is already out, baby."
"That's not what I am talking about. The cramps or contractions or whatever they are."
The nurse pulled a cart over and strapped a fetal monitor on her stomach. She moved it around, searching for the heartbeat. After a minute, she unstrapped the monitor. The look on her face spoke volumes.
The door opened, and a middle-aged man walked in.
"Ms. James, I'm Dr. Fitch. It says here that you believe you are having a miscarriage."
"Yes. We don't know. Most likely."
He pulled a stool over and rolled the ultrasound machine over. With Jake's help, Persephone took off her shirt, and the doctor moved the transducer around.
Jake saw the little person on the grainy black-and-white screen.
"She's not moving, Jake."
They both began to have tears in their eyes.
The doctor hung up the transducer. His face got profoundly serious. "Unfortunately, I cannot find a heartbeat, and there is a lack of movement."
"Are you sure? Can you look one more time?"
"Mr... who are you? Are you the father?"
"I'm the boyfriend. I am the father. My name's Jake."
"Jake, I can look again a dozen more times, but the baby has no heartbeat. It probably hasn't had one for a while. Especially since your girlfriend is already in labor. The body is aborting the deceased fetus.
She started to cry hard. Jake continued to hold her hand and stroke her hair.
"I am going to get you on some Pitocin to help speed up the labor, and then we will do a dilation and evacuation. I'll get you something for the pain and something to relax you. I need to do a pelvic exam to see if you are dilated at all. We'll take good care of you."
"You'll take the best care of her," Jake said.
He held on to her hand and stood up.
Dr Fitch looked at him. "The absolute best care."
He left the room and the two of them alone.
He sat back down. "Should I call your parents?"
"I don't know. I have barely spoken to them in years. They've seen the boys three times since they were born. They are about to be three and a half. Jake, our baby is dead. Are we going to bury her? Or cremation?"
"Babygirl, don't worry about that right now." He continued to stroke her hair. The look of fear in her eyes was devastating to see.
"How about a name? He should think of names. We didn't even make a list. What are we going to tell our friends?"
"Please don't. Right now, all I am worried about is you. Let's get through the next few hours and then make the next move."
Krystal came back holding a couple of syringes and a large I.V. bag.
"Okay, I have some Fentanyl for you. Hopefully, it will help with the pain, and if it doesn't, please let me know. I also have some Versed to help calm your nerves. I am going to start the Pitocin. It's going to start off at a slow rate, and then we will gradually increase it."
She gave her the pain medication and the sedative. "If you need anything, give me a call and let me know if the pain doesn't let up at all."
She left the room and closed the door behind her.
"Good drugs?"
"I guess. It doesn't hurt as bad."
"You seem a little more relaxed."
"I am," she said, trying her best to smile.
He kissed her forehead.
"Call Holden, please. If you don't get him, try Jo. She never turns it off."
"Okay. Anything else you need or want, Baby girl?"
"I want our baby."
"I know. I do too."
"Well then, maybe we can try again?"
"We weren't trying in the first place. You and I both know it was a mistake."
"But it was an amazing mistake."
She ran her hand down her cheek. "I love you so much."
"I love you the most."
"These contractions are really starting to hurt."
"Do you want me to let the nurse know?"
"Yeah, I do." She grabbed her stomach and gasped.
"I'm going to find Krystal."
"Okay."
"I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. I mean it this time." He kissed her on the forehead
The nurse came in with some more pain medication. "How are you feeling?"
"I am in pain."
"Well then, I have unwelcome news. I need to turn up the Pitocin. Are the contractions getting any stronger?"
"I think they are. I didn't know if it was because the pain medication didn't work."
She pushed the pain medication. A feeling of relief came over her.
"Wow, that feels a whole lot better than last time."
"This is Dilaudid. Your boyfriend said the Fentanyl didn't work."
"It didn't take very much of the edge off," Perri said.
She adjusted the flow of the Pitocin. "It is going to start to hurt."
"I'm sorry for your loss. I hate seeing young couples go through this."
"Thank you for your condolences," Perri told the nurse.
"I'll be back in to check on you in a little while."
She opened the door and Jake was standing next to it. She pulled him a little further away from the door.
"Your girlfriend just got some more pain medication, and we turned up the Pitocin. Her contractions are going to get worse. She will need to squeeze your hand and don't be upset if she says some things that might be rude or self-deprecating. She is going to blame herself for a long time. We will be giving her information about a support group and a practice that has some great therapists who take her insurance."
"Thanks, Krystal."
He made his way into the room, closing the door behind him. "I got you some ice chips, Babygirl.
"Thanks, Jacob."
He took the spoon and put a few chips in her mouth.
"It feels like my uterus is falling out of my vagina."
"Are you still bleeding?"
"It feels like it."
He lifted the sheet to check. "I am not sure. I think there is a small stream."
She grabbed at her stomach. "Oh, my fucking Christ, this hurts so bad." Tears streamed down her face.
The contractions were getting close together, and I felt like I had to push.
"Jake, I think it's time. I really feel like something is coming out."
Jake called for the nurse who came in with Dr. Fitch. He examined her and confirmed that she was completely dilated. He broke her water.
Jake stayed up by her head, holding her hand and trying to calm and comfort her. The whole thing was over in fifteen minutes.
She cried and looked at Jake.
"What is it, Dr. Fitch?"
"It's a girl."
There was nothing but silence in the room. No crying, no happy tears. No Jake screaming, I told you so. Just the beep of the heart monitor on Persephone's finger.
"You were right." She took in a ragged breath. "It was a girl."
"What happened? Is it something I did? Is it something I didn't do?"
"Why don't we discuss that a little later? I know this is hard right now, but do you want to hold her? Sometimes, the parents will take pictures for remembrance," Dr. Fitch told them.
"Can I?" She asked with swollen red eyes and a runny nose.
"Of course, you can." Krystal swaddled the little girl and handed it to Perri.
Perri gasped and started to cry inconsolably. She held the little girl close to her chest. Jake just stood there helpless, tears in his eyes.
"Come on. Smell the roses and blow out the candles," Krystal said in a soothing tone.
Perri inhaled and exhaled.
"Smell the roses, blow out the candles."
She started to calm down. "Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she the most beautiful little girl you've ever seen? She's so tiny. Look at her little fingers and fingernails. We could have painted each other's nails when she grew up."
While they looked at their daughter, the doctor finished up the delivery of the placenta. She didn't even notice. All she could see was her little girl's face, her nose so cute, the shape of her face.
"Do you want to take pictures of her Persephone? We don't have to."
"I would like to. Do you think it's creepy?"
"I think it's a way to remember." Jake took several pictures of the baby and then some of Perri holding her.
Her hands shook as she took pictures of Jake and the baby.
He kissed the baby's head. She was like ice. Like a plastic doll. "What happens now?" Perri asked Jake.
"I guess we have to arrange for her to be laid to rest. I'm sure they can tell us what to do next."
The Dr. Fitch and Krystal came back into the room.
"What went wrong?
"A knot had formed in the umbilical cord, cutting off her lifeline."
"But- but I felt her moving.
"Sometimes, the movement of the mother will make it seem like the baby is moving. Now, as far as how you are going to feel..."
Perri couldn't hear what the doctor was saying. Something about bleeding and breast milk and Post-Mortem.
Jake sat there listing. His head in his hands.
"The remains will be sent to a mortuary where you can decide if you would like a cremation or burial. I'm sorry for your loss, Ms. James. Is there anything else I can do?
"Do we get a birth or death certificate?"
No. We can provide you with a certificate of stillborn birth. We can also take handprints and footprints if you like, Krystal offered. You can take the blanket and the cap.
"When can she go home?" Jake asked.
"Let's give it about two hours of observation, then as soon as the paperwork is all finished, we can go ahead and get her discharged. She needs to follow up with her OB. She might be bleeding and cramping for an extended period. The grief will be worse than any physical pain. You need to make sure you take the support of the people around you. We have a lot of information for you to take home. Don't leave her alone for the first forty-eight hours."
"I'm not leaving her side. I'm always going to be there for her."
"Can I get some pain medication before I leave?"
"I will have Krystal bring in another dose and I will send a script down to the pharmacy. You can pick it up when you leave for home."
"Thanks, Dr. Fitch."
"I'm sorry for your loss." The doctor walked out, leaving the two of them alone.
"I guess we need to decide what we would like done with..."
"Our baby girl?" she squeaked out.
"She needs a name."
"I want to name her Gwendolyn Grace Thorsell-James."
He put his forehead on hers. "I think that is an absolutely beautiful name. I love it. And I love you."
"I love you too, Jacob."
"I want her cremated. I don't want her rotting in the ground. I want her with me."
"Okay. I will tell the nurse and call Atchley's to have them take care of the details."
Krystal came in with a dose of pain medication and the statement of stillborn certificate.
"Did you decide on a name?"
"Gwendolyn Grace Thorsell-James," Perri said
"Oh, that is beautiful. Honey, I am going to have to take her now."
Allie kissed Gwendolyn's head.
"I'm going to call Holden and Ashley and let them know how things are going. I'm also going to see if Ash will take the boys for the night."
"No. I want the boys. I need my babies."
"Alright, I'll go make some calls."
"Hello?"
"Holden? It's Jake."
"What's going on? How is she?"
He squeezed the bridge of his nose, and a couple of tears were forced out. "It's over. She had the baby. It was a girl. Our baby girl."
Jake started to cry. "How are you doing," Holden asked.
"I held her. We held her. We took pictures. She's beautiful."
"God, Jake, I am so sorry. Have you told her yet?" Holden asked.
"No. I was going to wait a little longer, but now. She's not going to go with me. She won't want to be away from you, Jo, and Ash. I can't blame her."
"How is she?"
"She's not well. She is in pain both physically and emotionally."
"Can you call Atchley's and have them call the hospital to arrange a pickup? We have decided to cremate her." The words burned his mouth like acid.
He went down to the hospital pharmacy and picked up her prescription. Krystal met him in the hallway.
"She's all ready to go."
"Okay. Her brother called the funeral home, and I guess they know what to do next."
"I'm sure they know exactly what to do. Let them handle it. I am so sorry for your loss. It is beautiful to see the relationship you have with her family. My son-in-law drives me nuts, but my baby girl is in love. Take care of her and yourself." She patted him on the arm.
He went into her room. Perri was attempting to get dressed.
"Hey. Persephone, let me help you."
It was slow but they got her dressed and then made it to the car.
"I'm sorry, Jacob."
"For what?"
Her bottom lip trembled.
"Let's just go home. I want to put you to bed."
"Jacob?"
"What, my love?"
"I have been carrying a dead baby in my body for the last god knows how long. We've been talking to her and rubbing my belly, and she stopped hearing us at some point. I wonder what the last thing she heard was."
"Most likely, I love you, Peanut Butter. You said it all the time to her." He took her hand.
She was staring out the window. "I want my baby Jacob. I want our baby Jacob."
She started to cry hard. She was wailing. The loud sound filled the car. Jake pulled off to the side of the road. He hit the steering wheel repeatedly.
He, too, started to cry. "I WANT MY BABY! WANT MY BABY GIRL!" He yelled.
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I just moved into a new house, so my updates will be sporadic for a couple of months. Thank you!