(Trigger warning: This chapter contains the subject of miscarriage-related issues.)
Ashley and the boys were at the front door as soon as they pulled into the driveway. Jake helped Perri out of the car and carried her up to the house.
"Jake, I can walk. This is not necessary."
"You just went through something very taxing. You are not walking to the house when I am capable of carrying you."
She put her head down, resting it on his chest.
He kissed her on the top of her head.
"I love you, Jake."
"I know, and I love you too. I'm sorry you have to endure this."
"You've had to endure this too. I didn't lose a baby; we lost a baby."
"Is there anything that I can get you?" Ashley asked.
"Maybe some water and one of my Percocet."
"Sure."
Jake put Perri on the couch. The boys came over and gently hugged her.
"Are you okay, Mama? You look sad," Patrick said, placing his little hands on hers.
"Mommy is sad. But I think hugs from my boys will help."
Bodhi climbed on the couch and took in as much of her as his little arms could gather. Patrick put his head on her lap.
"We love you, Mama. We are here for all the hugs and kisses you need," Bodhi said, kissing her cheek.
Jake could see that she was straining to hold back tears.
"Hey, boys, why don't we go get some jammies on? You can watch a movie in your room."
"But what about Mommy?" they asked together.
"Ashley is here, and so am I. We will take diligent care of Mommy. You trust us too, don't you?"
"Of course we do," the boys said together.
"Baby, I want to soak in the tub."
"Are you allowed?" Jake asked.
"Yes. The nurse recommended it."
"Alright, I'll go fill up the tub."
"I'm going to need help stepping into it. It's really high up."
"Don't worry. I'm not leaving your side." He held his hands out. "Come on, boys. Let's get ready for movie time. "
They each took a hand and walked with Jake out of the room.
Ashley sat down next to Perri. She gave her pills and a glass of water. "How are you doing, given the circumstances?"
"I'm in so much agony, Ash. Mentally and physically. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. What did I do? I want to know what I did wrong. Did I move wrong? Did I not pay enough attention to how much she was or wasn't moving? Should I have eaten different foods? Take more vitamins?"
"Do not do that to yourself Perri. You took the best care of yourself. You did nothing different than you did with the boys." She hugged her. "Wait. She?"
"It's a baby girl. Was. We named her. You know they give you a stillborn certificate. Nothing is filed. It's like she never existed."
Ashley took her in her arms. Perri sobbed. Ashley rubbed her back. "Do you want to tell me her name?"
"Gwendolyn. Gwendolyn Faith James-Thorsell."
"You gave her Jake's last name?"
"She was Jake's daughter."
"Your boys are Bodhi's sons. They don't have his last name."
"Because I hope he never finds out they exist," she said.
"You know that's not right. How do you think he will feel if he does? Those boys will start to ask questions. And when they get old enough, you can bet your ass they will do one of those DNA tests. All they need is to find one of his cousins, which will start the snowball rolling downhill."
"I never even thought of that. I can't think about this right now. I have enough to deal with. I don't want to think about Bodhi O'Neill. I want this Percocet to kick in and take a bath."
"Alright, my beautiful girl, a bath awaits you." He picked her up. She put her arms around him and rested her head on him.
"Will you come in with me? I want to sit with you."
He lifted her like a bride and gently placed her into the tub. He sat down, and she sat between his legs. She leaned her back against his chest. They held hands as he wrapped his arms around her.
She swished the water back and forth with her legs.
"How are you feeling? Physically? How is the pain?"
"The pill helped with the pain."
"I am so sorry this happened."
He kissed her cheek. She closed her eyes and placed her hand on his jaw.
"I need to know something."
"What?"
"You and I are done, aren't we?"
He sat up straight. "Why would you say that?"
"I lost our baby. Why would you want to be with me now?"
"Persephone, I love you. I wasn't sticking around because you were having my baby. This has been a horrible day, but I know we will get through it."
"What are we going to tell the boys?"
"My grandmother once told me that when a baby dies, it's because God needs angels," Jake said.
"I think it could be a good way to put it to them."
"When should we tell them?" she whispered.
"I think it should be sooner rather than later. They are going to know something is wrong with you.
They were so excited to have a brother or sister. Do we tell them it was a girl? Do we tell them her name? I know they are brilliant; I don't know if they will understand. They are still little kids."
She had started to cry.
"Oh, Sweetheart." He kissed her shoulders. "Maybe we should get away from here for a while. You, the boys, and I can go somewhere tropical, maybe."
"I guess that would be nice. Maybe after I am healed."
"Mentally or physically?"
"Both."
"Okay. We will take as long as you need."
"I love you." She craned her neck and kissed him softly at first and then a little more intensely.
Jake pulled away. "Persephone, I don't think this is a good idea."
"I need you to know how much I love you."
"I know. Trust me, I know."
"I want to get out now. The water is getting cold, and I need to get some rest."
She struggled to get to her feet. He stood up, helped her to her feet, and stepped out of the tub.
He lifted her out of the tub. She took off the wet shirt and wrapped herself in a towel. Help me to my room?
"Why do you keep asking me for help? Just tell me you need me. You and I are in this together."
They slowly walked across the house to their rooms. She was exhausted by the time they reached it.
"I wish you would have let me carry you."
"I need to walk. If I actually had a baby, they would have me up and walk hours after."
He lifted her onto the bed so she didn't have to climb.
"You had a baby. Don't think you didn't just because it ended... well, like it did. No matter how it ends, we love and will never forget her. And we don't have to."
"I am going to get you some pajamas, and we are going to get you dressed."
"I need underwear, too. And a pad from underneath the sink!"
He put on a pair of gym shorts and headed to her room.
He shuffled through her dresser and got what he needed.
"Here Baby girl. Do you need help getting dressed?"
"Better to have a little help before something happens."
She was still on the bed in the exact same place he had set her down.
"Can you not call me that?"
"Oh, I am so sorry. Of course."
"Do you need some help?" He asked, stepping into the room and holding her clothes.
"I do."
"The bleeding has slowed down. I didn't see much in the tub." Jacob was helping her into her underwear.
"Yeah, I guess it has." The last bits of my daughter going down the drain.
"What movie do you want to watch? I will even watch a chick flix if you want."
"I really don't want to watch a movie. I want to lie down."
He put her in bed and climbed in next to her. She snuggled up to him, putting her head on his chest. He started stroking her hair.
"Do you feel warm? Do you have a fever?"
"I don't think so."
"Let me know if you start getting chills or a headache."
There was a soft knock on the door.
"Come in," Jake called out.
Ashley came in holding a tray. "Hey, guys. I made you some soup, and I want you to eat it. You can't heal if you don't have calories to burn. I also made some fresh-baked bread. She put the tray down on the side table.
"You make sure that she eats." She jabbed her finger at Jacob.
"Maam, yes, ma'am".
"Goodnight, you two. I put her pills on the tray in case she should need them. I love you both."
"Love you too Ash," they said together.
"You aren't going to eat, are you?"
"I am not hungry. I feel like I will never be hungry again. Maybe I'll starve to death. I already feel like I am dying."
Do not say that. He held her head. You will not do that to yourself, to your boys, and to your family.
He held her tight. "We are going to get through this."
I want my baby back inside me.
She started crying. "I want my baby back inside me!"
The harder she cried, the more he tried to draw her into him. He kissed her head.
Even though he meant this to comfort her, it only made her cry harder.
He just let her cry. She needed to cry. He cried silently with her. You wouldn't even know that he was crying if you didn't see his tears.
They both cried themselves to sleep.
"Jake." She shook him gently. "Jake."
He jolted awake. "What? What's wrong? Are you okay?" He was breathing heavily. His heart was pounding.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to panic you. I need to go to the bathroom. Can you help me?"
"Of course I will."
Jake slid out of the bed and helped her down. "What do you want me to do?"
"Just stay outside the door in case I need you."
The pain medication had worn entirely off, and she was now in full-blown pain. It hurt to pee. She made whimpering noises.
"Babygirl? Are you okay?"
"I'm okay. I'm almost done."
She looked at herself in the mirror before she left. She looked older than when she went to bed the night before. All she saw was a failure. She failed at being a woman and a mother. She had failed, and that was all she could think about.
He helped her back into bed.
"Did you need more pain medication? I have something stronger they gave me when I twisted my knee. It's a bit old, but I am sure it will still work."
"Do you feel like talking?"
"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"
"I'm sorry I did this to you."
"You didn't do anything to me. This is an us thing," Perri said.
"I really thought the condoms were enough."
"Now you know why a backup is highly suggested. When I heal, I am getting an IUD. I'm not going through this again."
"What do you think she would have looked like?"
"Persephone, don't do this."
"I want to. We can use it as a healing exercise.
"If you want to. I think she would have looked like her beautiful mother. She has to have your eyes. I love the color they get when you're excited."
"You're right about the eyes, but I think she would have looked more like you. How about her hair? Do you think it would have been blonde like me and Mom or dark and thick like you?"
She ran her fingers through his hair. "I would have wanted her to have your hair. Girls with long dark hair are so beautiful.
I think no matter what she grew into, she had good genetics on her side. She would have been a real knockout, just like her mom.
She smiled a small smile. "Can I have one of my pills?"
"Sure."
He handed her a pill and a bottle of water. . He ran his fingers down her cheek, tracing the curves of her face. "I love you. You know that, right?"
He looked at her. She looked so tired and so sad.
"Do you love me less than you did yesterday?"
"Persephone, what do I have to do or say to convince you that I do not blame you for the miscarriage?"
"Kiss me," she said, looking into his eyes.
He kissed her again, very gently on the lips, but this time, he lingered. He parted his lips, and her tongue touched his. He pulled her close, and they continued to kiss. It was kind, slow, and filled with authentic, unfiltered love.
"Jacob, please don't ever--"
"I could never. Where you go, I go. Where I go, you go. At least, I hope so."
"I love you, Babe," she said.
"I love you more."
"I love you the most," she said, kissing him on his nose.