I had to say. Although this had on surface been a celebratory end of exam, as well as a meet and greet party, I didn't know anybody here. I felt isolated, vulnerable and disconnected from everything that was happening. I was out of place. I didn't fit or belong.
"Jun Sihao," I said into a lull in the conversation around me, "put me down. I'm getting sleepy and your lap isn't comfortable. Your legs only just recovered, so..."
"Just a bit longer," Jun Sihao told me, patting my back as if I were a child.
"Dude, you can hide your boner with my shawl, ok? Just let me go already," I hissed at him. "Enough is enough. Otherwise I'm going home by myself."
"Does little sister-in-law want to go home already?" said the man with spiky hair. I had forgotten his name but remembered he was a police detective. "The night's barely begun."
"I'm not a night person," I said.
"Says the little girl I used to have to get bouncers to kick out early in the morning because she was partying so hard," said the club owner with a wicked grin. What was his name again? Gao. Kevin Gao. That was right. "You used to dance from before the sun set until long after all the good boys and girls have gone to bed."
"Ugh. Spare me," I covered my face with a hand. "I had to keep up appearances, ok? If I didn't behave that way, life would be unbearable. I'm a good girl now. Getting with the handsomest man in the world has cured me of my dancing procrastination and seeking any other thrills."
"So you've decided to stay with him?" asked the lawyer in gold rimmed glasses, leaning forwards in curiosity.
"Hey, he was my dream man. The one I had no way of touching or reaching before. Since by some fluke I've got my dream man by my side now, why would I look anywhere else?" I shrugged. I meant what I said but I also had some misgivings. I wanted to stay, but I doubted I was going to be able to. "If he doesn't hate me and doesn't kick me out, I'm gonna shamelessly cling to the only man I've ever really wanted."
"Sounds like you're in love, sister," said the man who owned a sports car store. How did Jun Sihao make friends with all these hidden bosses and high flyers?
"Ooh, I've had a crush on him since middle school," I said, looking up at Sihao who was looking down at me with a bemused expression. "That's why I didn't make too much fuss when all the stuff happened."
"You call that not too much of a fuss?" the police detective snorted. "Then what do you call a big fuss?"
"Oh, a big fuss would have involved burning the house down with me in it," I said, "and it'd only be big because I wouldn't be certain whether or not the neighbours would be affected."
"Would I have been in the house too?" Sihao turned his dark eyes on me and I couldn't read his expression.
"You? No way. I'd have found a way to tie you and Siming up somewhere out of the way, so that you couldn't come to my rescue," I struggled to get free from Jun Sihao's grip and off his lap but he wasn't letting go. That bulge had turned into an iron pole that was pushing through my underwear, making me realise how thin a barrier separated us. "Although, I reckon that what happened was a big enough fuss. I didn't expect Mrs Jun to crack. I'm sorry, Sihao. I never did apologise to you for everything that happened. I really need to apologise to you for ruining your family and life. I'm very sorry. It was selfish of me but Mr Jun really stepped on my tail."
Jun Sihao sighed and buried his face in my neck.
"Don't apologise," he said in a tired voice. "None of it was really your fault. It was Dad's fault. You didn't really do anything. You were a victim through the whole thing and got badly hurt. I'm the one who should be apologising to you."
"The upside is," said the silent Psychologist who had been sitting to one side listening for most of the time but not contributing, "you helped Sihao out of the deepest point of his depression and gave him the will to live on."
I stopped struggling.
"Really?" I looked up at Jun Sihao and felt his boner slowly starting to settle down.
"Only because he found someone far more scary and death seeking than himself," the Psychologist gave me a wry grin, "and who treats her own life with even more reckless abandon than he ever did."
"Ah?"
"Really," Jun Sihao hugged me tight. "Just how much do you want to die?"
"Hmm," I tilted my head to one side and pouted. "I tried most of the things in the song 'Dumb Ways to Die', but none of it worked the way I wanted. There were always these other dumb people around who stopped or saved me."
That made a few of the men laughed.
"How about now?" Sihao held my cheeks so that I couldn't look away. "Still want to die?"
"Hey, I'm free now," I patted the hands that were distorting my cheeks, wanting him to let go. "I don't have people micromanaging me and purposely trying to make my life miserable when I'm meant to trust them. I don't have to pretend to be a dumbass rebel wild child just in order to survive anymore. I don't have to feign blind obedience. Once we've sorted out who's trying to assassinate me right now, I'm really free. I can go to uni and not worry that I'll pass the exams too well in case somebody feels threatened by my intellect. I can stop smoking, binge eating and drinking myself blind. I can look forward to the prospect of controlling my own life and having a career. Imagine that. Being able to work and earn your own money without having it confiscated while you have to fawn and beg on some tight fisted person who actually hates your guts for your next meal. I can choose to marry the man I want and not be a sold slave who can only live in the shadows of society without any say. Why wouldn't I want to live now? Even if you don't want me, it won't be the end of the world anymore. Hey, and you don't have to be a businessman anymore either. You can kick the company over to somebody else to manage and go be whatever you want to be too. Didn't you used to want to be a doctor or something? You don't have to squeeze yourself in a box anymore."
I threw a peanut at Siming who had been brooding in another corner.
"And you, my best bro," I grinned at him when he looked up, "you can stop floundering around and start learning to swim. Or fly if you'd rather be a kite. We're free now."
"You're free," Siming told me in a dark voice. "You've got the man of your dreams, while I've lost the girl of my dreams to my brother. I've lost the mother I promised to protect and while you are actually a smartass behind your dumb façade, I am an actual dunce. You can go swim or fly or whatever you like, but my life is ruined. I'm literally a good-for-nothing…"
I kicked Jun Sihao to force him to let me go and then grabbed a cushion that I used to start bashing Siming with. He yelled in anger and then grabbed another cushion to pillow fight me back and defend himself. The two of us fought until the sports car shop owner and the Psychologist pulled us apart.
"Alright, you two. Calm down. Calm down. Have a drink."
I tossed my cushion aside and smiled around at everyone.
"I'm calm. Always was," I sniffed, while panting and grinning at Siming.
Siming glared at me a while longer and then broke into laughter. I laughed along with him while retrieving my stuff.
"You boys want me?" I crooked a finger at Jun Sihao and Jun Siming. "Come and catch me if you can. Thanks for the party, boys. This girl is leaving."
Before anyone could stop me, I had slipped out the door and was running. Running out of the nightclub, the city and everything I had known. I turned my mobile phone off and then dropped it off in Sihao's letterbox on the way. Armed with only my purse and the clothes I was wearing, I was glad that I had thought to dress casual and wear my runners when Jun Sihao had proposed we go out to celebrate.
Who knew I'd make a move on an impulse? I was never a logical person or even someone who thought very far ahead. I had always trusted in luck and Providence to help me survive. I would have to trust in them for a little longer because I could no longer stand staying in this city.
Although I had gotten the man of my dreams, just him alone wasn't enough. I felt terribly alone and confused. I needed some time to sort myself out and I could only do that by myself. As long as there were people by my side, I had no way of letting down my walls.