Chapter 39: Tokusake ren monologue: A disgusting harmony.
I used to be a merchant who killed without hesitation, driven by necessity and survival. In that past life, I was cold, calculating, and efficient. I did what needed to be done, no matter the cost. It was a life where emotions were a luxury I couldn't afford.
But now I was given a chance , in this world, surrounded by people who care, who show kindness and compassion, I find myself torn. I sometimes feel like shimo sees through my facade,which sounds impossible to me . But Shimo–She cares in a way that I never expected, and it both comforts and terrifies me. What if I let her in, let her see the parts of me that I've buried deep down? Would she still want to be around me?
After I show her the disgusting harmony that is inside me?
I want to change. I want to be someone who doesn't have to kill, who can make a living honestly. But I fear that if I let go of that cold, efficient adult, something much worse might happen. Maybe I won't survive. Maybe I'll lose everything I've fought so hard to protect.
I struggle to understand if I should be that adult who doesn't show emotions or a teenager who feels intensely. Part of me wants to embrace my emotions, to let myself care deeply. But another part of me knows that showing emotions can make me vulnerable, can be used against me. I did that same exact thing in my past life , many times at that. So maybe I will face karma.
I feel like shimo believes everyone deserves kindness, even me. Maybe she's right. Maybe I can find a balance between unknown my past and present self. Someone who can be cautious and strategic, but also open and vulnerable when it matters most.
I don't want to go back to that life. I don't want to be the person who kills without hesitation. But I'm afraid that if I show my vulnerability, if I let people in, I'll lose myself in the process. I'll become just a shadow of who I used to be, and I can't let that happen.
I think I'm ready to embrace who I am now, the person who cares deeply and feels intensely. Maybe that's the true strength—being able to show vulnerability and still survive in this world.
But sometimes I feel like I might need that self of mine. A man who kills without hesitation. Because in this world , if you want to win , you must be ready to make others lose.
But I won't let the past define me anymore. I'll forge a new path, one that honors where I came from but also embraces who I've become. A mix between two selves.
A disgusting harmony.