There are many ways to punish the perpetrator. You can make him pay a huge sum of money, leaving him destitute. You can inflict massive physical injuries, making the unfortunate person flinch at any sudden movement. In the end, you can deprive him of his freedom to control his own life. Or you could just leave him alone with himself and his thoughts in a cold, completely isolated place. It doesn't sound scary at first. You sit in silence and calmness, except for the shaking of your teeth. But a scrooge's mind, like a human's, has to grab onto something. Let me explain. You're sitting in an empty, boring room... and suddenly, you hear the slith in the next room chugging dope and discussing sex with women. One, a clue. And you're already thinking about the slithes sexual preferences, laughing to yourself. Because you don't really understand how you can enjoy sticking your tail in soft places instead of your penis. And that's just one of the possible perversions of these reptiles. Or, for example, when you're facing out the window. And you see an asteroid fly by. And you are already thinking about how hard it must be to be a captain, because you have to constantly plan your route so as not to lose your way and not to run into a space block. But when you sit in a punishment cell, at a temperature of minus thirty, in a room completely isolated from all stimuli, you begin to slowly go crazy. Your eye is used to getting a picture, and all you see is black. Your ear tries to pick up some sound, but it only hears your own thoughts, which start to sound so loud that it seems as if you were saying them out loud. And your body.... body is shivering from the cold, and can't even stretch out fully in this cramped room. Who am I saying all this to? Oh yes, to myself. After all, my thoughts are all I have right now. I don't know how much time has passed since I've been sitting here. Time flows differently here. A whole hour is torture.
But judging by the way the guards brought me food pills - five days, at least. The only advantage of being in the punishment cell when you're a skroge is that you don't have to empty yourself, which means that the room where you're sitting won't stink. Is there a lot of waste from a body that feeds on clearly dosed pills? The question is rhetorical, which is why we don't even have an anus. Five days, sixty to go. That's exactly the length of time to be here for the fight. My thoughts periodically returned to various episodes in my life. From the beginning, to the end. Being here, even things that I shouldn't even remember in principle came to mind. The clanking of metal appliances, the gurgling of tap water... the clanking of iron doors. The pain of a puncture in my vein, then another, and another. That unpleasant sensation... when the needle is pulled out, and afterwards you're burning up, but you can't say a word - what to say when there's nothing in your head but your own sensations? Then you open your eyes and you see a room lit with green light and filled with incomprehensible objects. Some beings in white coats walking back and forth, talking about something, dropping something, taking notes... or here's a more pleasant scene. You are lying on a bed, a warm, pleasant-smelling human woman is fidgeting on you, in her head she wants to please you and knows how, where and with what effort to stroke, and in your head - emptiness. But your cock is full of blood. In the end, she - satisfied, fancying the next client, you - empty and wipe your belly with a napkin. Or if she's thirsty, you don't. Or the adrenaline rush moment when you land on someone's planet, the ship's gates open, and you just run... and kill anything that moves or breathes too well. At first it's quick and boring - a blow to the head and you're done. Then the methods become more and more sophisticated, and then you come out of some hut with bloody claws, covered in blood and guts, smelling bad, and laughing nervously as you enter the next one. What is now a bloody mess was once someone's long-awaited and beloved daughter. Finish in one day, and you are a hero of the race, a valiant warrior and a brave soldier. At least that's what they tell the people afterward... but you're just their tool, the perfect killing machine, asking no questions and demanding nothing in particular. Like hundreds of others like you. Feelings? What do we need them for? You want to color your life? Here's some dope, and don't fuck around. Let me know how it goes. It's weird. One minute you're looking at beautiful vistas of other, non-material worlds, the next you're waiting for this nightmare to end. Sometimes you have to face the truth. Once you do, you'll see that the pretty blonde sitting on your lap isn't looking for sex with you, looking languidly at your buddy. And you don't really want her either. Once you look, and the girl who sits behind the glass is not some funny animal, on which you can make experiments, but very much a living person. And this person looks at you as closely and attentively as you look at him. Perhaps, even, gets attached out of desperation... what else can he do? Lya... how is she now? Who is with her now in this cramped, iron room? Aurtror, perhaps? The prickly, focused, fiery type. Almost as much as me... or some scholarly know-it-all who's nonchalantly writing in a notebook while she's in pain? What does she feel for me? Is it attachment, attraction? Or just fear? Or is her psyche faking tenderness and caring to somehow survive all this horror? I don't know. I remembered her gentle, fearful kiss on my cheek, as if her lips were touching a blossoming flower rather than cold, hard scales. I remembered the way she'd touched me, so innocently, making every cell in my body respond. I remembered how smooth and soft her hair felt. How much longer would this last? I tried to push the thoughts away from me, but it didn't make me feel any better. If I wasn't thinking, I was feeling. If I wasn't feeling, I was thinking. Only occasionally did it all stop, when my consciousness briefly went to sleep. My ear caught the nasty, iron scraping of the door. I flinched.
- Kserd, come out. You're out, - the soldier said coldly, as if he were a computer.
What? Released? Is this some kind of joke?
- Get out, and straight to the security officer.
I was so exhausted and broken, I couldn't figure out what he wanted from me. Tell him what I'd done to Warten? Describe the spy who planted the bomb again? What did they want from me? These and other questions I asked myself, and before I knew it I had my nose in his office. I knocked.
- Come in, Kserd, - I heard from behind the door.
- You wanted to see me? - I walked in and sat down across from him.
- I'll be brief. I suggest we forget that ridiculous incident three months ago.
The officer spoke with determination and in a raised tone, which is very untypical for him.
- What?
- Did you freeze your brain off in that goddamn SHU? I said I can't take it anymore. All around them, they're talentless, they're junkies. Can't do a damn thing, don't want to do a damn thing. You were the only one who could handle them, and I didn't appreciate it.
He's asking me to be boss again? Why would he do that? Has Grote finally pissed him off with his incompetence?
- Whatever you say, Officer. But I have a subject.
- When you're done with him, you can take over. Unfortunately, there are no guards available to replace you.
His words reminded me once again that I promised her I'd release her.
- As a reward for your courage... you can ask for whatever you want.
- Officer.
I've been collecting my thoughts. This is the moment. My heart began to beat faster and my hands began to shake.
- I want you to hand over the facility assigned to me to my ownership, - I said shortly and quickly.
The officer stared at me intently. I was afraid he was going to make fun of me.
- Kserd, how do you envision this? Hopeless, good-looking specimens are sometimes given to a brothel, yes. But not as someone's personal concubine, it's distracting. And anyway... - He glanced at me. I'm afraid I must decline. Besides, your subject is of special value to scientists.
I didn't know what to say in response. I just couldn't find the right words, couldn't say anything. The caustic, gnawing feeling wouldn't leave me - his one-sided smile didn't fit the words he said.
- I... got it.
- So you finish with her, and get back to work, - he stepped back to the porthole.
- I'll see you later.
I left the office. My legs could barely move and my mind was a mess. I'd been reinstated, I should be happy. But instead of joy, I felt completely and utterly depressed and disappointed. Disappointment in everything, from my superiors to my outlook.
Back in my room, I was graciously greeted by Aurtror, who was guarding Lia in my place.
- It's over! Ugh, I'll finally get some sleep, thank the gods, fuck you! - he sounded as desperate as if he hadn't slept a wink since my arrest.
- Did you have a problem with that? - I said distractedly, not really wanting to hear the answer.
- Are you kidding me? I've got one girl assigned to me. Now yours too - I just can't tear up, what the hell were they thinking?! - he grabbed his head.
- I don't know. But it won't happen again. I'm the boss again now.
- What about the slugs? How are they gonna be without drugs in the workplace? - he laughed out loud, - Anyway, you know what, I'm outta here. Good for you, but I need sleep. I'm already seeing double, - he left the room at once, leaving me and Lya alone.
I opened the door for her. When she came out, she didn't even say hello to me, just looked sadly at the floor.
- It's because of me, - she said quietly, - I'm the reason they locked you up.
- You had nothing to do with it. On the contrary, you helped me, - I sat on the bed, leaning against the wall, unable to look her in the eyes.
She helped me. Indirectly, but she helped me. And I didn't help her.
- If that's the case, then... I'm glad, - she smiled at me, sitting down next to me.
- Did the redhead hurt you? - I asked quietly, staring fixedly at one point.
- No.
- Good, - I answered dryly.
She blushed and nervously pulled up her shirt.
- Kserd...I wanted to say... - she mumbled, swallowing saliva.
- Speak.
- I want you... - she moved as close to my face as she could, - I want you to be... my man. You're the only one I want to know what it's like before I die, - she threw off her shirt, exposing her thin, fragile body to me.
Hearing that, her words echoed in my ears. I couldn't get a word out, my face was blank. She didn't wait for my response, and a moment later I felt her soft, warm lips on mine. She lay on top of me, and I hugged her back, caressing her cheek with my hand. Not long ago, I would have gone about my business without a second thought, giving in to my instincts headfirst. But I couldn't honor her request because all I felt was a tight lump in my throat. I broke the kiss, and, trying not to look her in the eye, I answered:
- Not now. Not until I fulfill my promise to you, - I strained a smile.
I mean, never. I'm sorry, Leah. I'm too much of a coward to tell you the truth. The truth that I can't help you. I can't set you free... as much as I'd like to.
- Whatever... whatever you say, - she moved away from me, and with trembling hands shamefully covered her breasts with her shirt, - I hope you can do it... they do whatever you say, don't they?
- Yeah... - I turned my back to the wall away from her.
My eyes became moist.
- I believe in you, - she smiled as if she couldn't see how I was feeling right now.
- Lya - I struggled to say her name, - I'm tired. I'm sorry.